Katie Schwartz On Amy Guth: The Three Fallen Women by Amy Guth
this was so much fun to do and I was so happy that amy thought of me! check it out! it's fantastic squared.
if you haven't read opium magazine. it's so addictive. best fat free high o' the week. any week really. there are oodles of great yarns: sumptuous stories. delicious interviews. brazen reviews. and art that will take your wig off. run. read. now. opium.
ps: if you haven't bought amy's book yet, three fallen women, buy it! read it. my copy is en route from amazon. be patient. they can be a bit slow. but, you know it's worth it, yo!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:05 PM
mazel tov to, Editorials from Hell's leading daily newspaper, the brimstone daily pitchfork. 4,000 uniques a day and growing!!!
it's a proud, proud day when you've got hits from halliburton and hate mail from right wing fascists. left wing lovers and readers who can't get enough of your ass.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:45 PM
oh yes, my lip loving friends, an interview with the big vagina is en route and it is is going to be cuntastic!
I am dripping with joy.
"your vagina. see it. love it. own it." owned and operated by a proud, glistening and glowing V.
interview coming next week...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:43 PM
I ate thai food and
fucked my vibrator, paco. oh, please. who the fuck am I kidding. nothin' was gettin' in or gettin' out tonight. the V was, and remains on lockdown for bad behavior. she was a bad girl last night. bitch was out of control. such a snatch. oompha. sometimes a girl's gotta manage her meat and show her who's boss. boundaries, sweetie. we just don't see eye to V sometimes. it's becoming an issue. she can be a real slutty, opinionated, lippy whore and I'm tired of it! you know the yarn. it's centuries old. there's always that one boy (or girl, depending on how your lips part) who cunteen just can't say no to.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:14 PM
Monday, October 30, 2006
today, I decided to wear floods all day. but, not just floods. cuffs that were clearly terrified of touching shoe. I wanted to see how people would react. I was very disappointed. I got a few grimaces and the odd sneer, but that's it! am I that unfortunate? I was hoping for some core laughs and wicked vile comments. instead I got bupkas. sigh. I'm a blue jew.
I'm on a budget this year, so I'm trying to decide what to go as for halloween. I'm torn. if I buy an afro and a rope, I can tie my kitchen clock around my neck and go as flavor flave. if I'm willing to invest in a black cabbage patch baby, I can go as madonna. but, if I add big round glasses and a leash, I can go as brad and angelina.
I'm so conflicted.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:17 PM
- if you're a virgin: still intact
- if you're a gyno: breaking ... since 1975!
- if you're a creepy, 18 and up skirt chasing, cocksucking bastard: I break for...
- if you're driving a really nice car: was worth the break
- if you're religious: not to be confused with hymn
- if you're stupid: my baby girl's name is...
- if you're still stupid: I would've given him mouth to mouth, but he was choking so I did the...
where is this coming from, you ask?! today, I saw the license plate, HYMEN on one of those ridiculously expensive cars and thought, if you're going to take the time to advertise HYMENS, don't you think you should give a jhush? offer some background or a snappy catch phrase?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:26 PM
Saturday, October 28, 2006
she has a message for us hedonists
::I hope you are able to find a few moments this week to sit in the presence of the Lord and be filled with His strength and joy::
she's so thoughtful that lisa welchel. always thinking of others.
::As you know, I’m under a crazy writing schedule these days and it probably won’t let up until December. I really appreciate your patience, understanding, and prayers. I’ll do my best to have at least a little journal entry each week.
This week I thought I’d just post a little thing I wrote the other day after reflecting on an especially sweet time just worshiping the Lord::
she's loving us hard this week. it's boring don't read it. but, do hit the archives. last week's was a doozy.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:12 PM
Shut Up and Ban! NBC's Newfound Protection of the Public
Drudge Posted Friday October 27, 2006 at 12:23 PM
Matt Drudge reports that NBC, in a sudden attack of conscience, has refused to run ads for "Shut Up And Sing," the rockumentary-turned-sociopolitical-exegesis that follows the Dixie Chicks before, during and after singer Natalie Maines' infamous anti-Bush statements at a London concert in 2003. According to reports, the network stated that it "cannot accept these spots as they are disparaging to President Bush." --you have to finish reading this article NOW--
O'Reilly's Big Lie on Letterman
by: Cenk Uygur
Bill O'Reilly at one point in his face off with David Letterman attempted to stump Letterman and prove Iraq had ties to terrorism by sighting Ansar al-Islam. According to O'Reilly, Ansar al-Islam was a terrorist group tied to al-Qaeda who was in Iraq before the war working with Saddam Hussein. Of course, it's a lie. --you have to finish reading this article NOW--
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:15 AM
THURSDAY OCTOBER 26, 2006 07:20PM EST
By Lisa Ingrassia
::: "Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not been putting on any weight," her rep tells PEOPLE in a statement.
"She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition. It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder."
She's tired of everyone saying you don't eat, because she does," a source close to Richie tells PEOPLE. "She wants to gain weight. It wasn't anyone saying you have to go do this, it wasn't an intervention. It was her saying I'm tired of people saying this about me, I'm going to go get some tests. It was a personal decision." :::
perhaps someone could take the time to enlighten me... what is heroin thin's aversion to just admitting that she's bulemic with an anorexic back? is this a non-jew thing?
can't she see the fringe benefits? she's one semicolon away from becoming a lifetime television for women real story. she's thin. she's not addicted to ham and mayonnaise laced sandwiches. men still want to fuck her and who wouldn't want to be the new, "what to eat" teen poster child?!
is this a waiting game to see which publisher will offer her the most money for her exclusive life story that she can of course, "write"?
I will say this, the lengths she's going to, to spin the, I don't have a food issue, yarn are pretty god damn elaborate and funny. since when does it take a team of nutritionists to deduct that you're either an anoleem or thyroid challenged?!
let's face it, she just doesn't want to become a fat girl shunned again. what KILLS ME about this is that she was never fat to begin with. she was a beautiful girl.
what is so wrong with not being translucent thin?! why are woman's curves the anti-christ? I have met women (especially in los angeles), who have admitted that in order to stay ticonderoga pencil thin, they only allow themselves to eat once EVERY OTHER day. that is sick and wrong on several if not all levels. between the award winning, I-hit-a-deer facelifts and the rampant starvation practices, women are teaching pre-teen and teen girls how to hate and kill themselves. it's disgusting and devastatingly sad. it's also just obscenely ignorant and irresponsible.
I have heard women call other women who are painfully thin, fat. I have heard men say to their super skinny girlfriends, "you're getting fat."
the whole thing just makes me want to scream, STOP. JUST STOP IT. knock it the fuck off. grow a set ... of ovaries. fuck him. fuck her.
the choices that we make today could very well shape our 10 or 20-year tomorrows. isn't that worth, at the very least, a second thought.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:45 AM
Friday, October 27, 2006
now that's an entree, sweetie. succulent and delish. I'd fuck him with your pussy.
to which she replied, ohhhkay. I'm uncomfortable. why can't you just use yours?
so, I waved my hand across my beav and said, hi. temporarily out of commission. menses?! you can't fuck new meat with a bleedinV.
we hit a boundary wall. affectionately nicknamed, girlriend time.
photo credit:: menstruating barbie
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:43 PM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:59 PM
the full body project. photo essay. who knew spock had a hard on for the chubbettes?!
it's quite beautiful actually.
he's got big moxie.
you go, spock!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:56 AM
Thursday, October 26, 2006
so far this year, I cannot believe some of the offensive and racist comments that I have heard. that people have actually said TO MY face without giving it a second thought.
1: I thought your people were only allowed to eat unleavened bread?
2: do you know where I can find the best bagels in los angeles?
3: when it comes to the coloreds...
4: it's ok for lesbians to be in positions of power because they have an organic male ability to intellectualize a problem, but not straight women. they are far too emotional.
5: I don't think your parents will appreciate your brother bringing home an asian girl.
6: you were in an actual relationship with a black man?
7: middle class white people don't get std's. just gays and poor people.
8: immigrants are ruining this country.
9: I'm surprised you haven't gotten a writing job in television yet. jews run hollywood and you're a jew.
10: I would never fuck a fat chick. if I were drunk, I'd consider letting her blow me. but that's it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:33 PM
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
from the fabulous crionaberry
1: "thank god we can finally rid the internet of smut" list
2: "dirty jew" list
3: "fat jew" list
4: "fat" list
5: "her penis envy could lead to a sex change" list
6: "supports gay marriage. let's kill the bitch" list
7: "has compromised jesus" list
8: "hates bush" list
9: "stem cell junky" list
10: "feminist must be a man hating cunt" list
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:25 PM
::top 5 reasons you should never say, make love to me::
1: it's creepy
2: how could you possibly subject the following enthusiastic, sweet adverbs, "when we", "will you", "please" and "let's", to such cruelty and call yourself a decent human being?
3: the concept of making love makes no sense to me. how can you make love? it's a noun. and, don't give me the, "but it comes after a verb" argument. you're being asked to fuck a noun.
4: the phrase, "making love" is repulsive and equally wrong on every level.
5: there are a million ways to skin a romantic pussy. I can't imagine wood rising or cunt's dripping when someone says, let's make love. one man said this to me a few years ago and I could not stop laughing.
side note: my intimacy and commitment issues have no bearing on my disdain for the phrase, love making.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:18 PM
I'm such an open book. I think I've spilled everything. so, if any of this sounds familiar, just skip over it. or email me and call me a repetitive bitch.
::five things you don't know about me::
1. I'm barely 5'4. I haaaaaaaate being short. I am the shortest person in my family. I always wanted to be amazon goddess tall. 5'9 or 6'. height is sexy. I'd be thin! I could date short men and look cool.
3. I have an inappropriate obsession with floss. I will not kiss a non-flosser. I will not kiss a flesh-hound unless he's brushed and flossed. it's a freakish trait. however... I have converted many non-flossers. if you don't want to lose your teeth, floss. if you want to make out with me, floss. if you want to fuck me, floss. if you want any sexual play whatsoever, floss. I'm a flossing zealot. but, I can suck a bagel through an asian man's cock. so, isn’t it worth it? plus, you get to keep your teeth!
4. at present, I am enjoying a full and robust bush, and I emphatically refuse to wax at this juncture.
5. I am a forearm whore. the first thing I notice on a man is his forearms. relationships have burgeoned on this criterion alone. ok. so, they weren't intellectually gratifying, but who doesn't want to be twirled by a manly set of forearms for 5 minutes or more?! however, I will admit that when I'm looking for relationship dick, all I care about are brains-wit-and-charisma. I don't care what a man looks like. if he makes me laugh. if he challenges me intellectually and introduces me to new ideas, etc. and he has charisma. I can't scream, where do you want my ankles fast enough?!
::I am tagging::
wp, online bff 4ever
sweet honey smack
al sensu fingerboy
ribbed for your pleasure
skirmish of wit
passion of the dale
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:08 PM
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I think it's great that owning african babies are en vogue. though it appears madonna is going to be renting one, she's no less committed then a rightful owner.
what I can't seem to get my head around is america's ability to embrace african babies and still find the time to shun black babies.
the color of their skin is the same, no? if I'm not mistaken they both bleed red. I suppose it's possible african babies have a softer red hue, but the similarities should be uncanny.
so, if someone could PLEASE EXPLAIN to me how it is fucking possible that we can live in a country that practices inequality, segregation and discrimination against black people yet manages to embrace african babies, I would really appreciate it.
oh, and while you're at it, make a pit stop in any predominantly black neighborhood, and of course justify why it is that a predominantly black neighborhood exists in america circa 2006 in the first place. and, also explain why poverty, violence, lack of education, and a complete and total disregard of their unalienable rights is the american way... that would be great.
better yet, make it easy on yourself. just read them the second paragraph of the declaration of independence and let them know that it doesn't translate.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:51 AM
Our gal pal and christian soldier lw, who from this day forward will forever be named, Bcunt (bitch cunt), posted a doozy journal entry this week.
forget darfur. ignore the war in iraq. fuck the homeless. don't give a second thought to the global aids crisis. screw stem cell research. bush has and look how much fun he's having!
none of it matters.
because Bcunt needs your prayers. she needs you on your knees and praying hard and fast on her behalf. and, she ain't fuckin' kidding.
Lisa Whelchel Weekly Journal
October 21, 2006
Choose You This Day
I’m just simply overwhelmed with work that needs to be done and not enough days to get it all done. Please pray specifically as I attempt to create this Bible Study Scrapbook project that I’m writing. It is so complicated, there are so many little pieces to pull together, and the deadline is looming. I also need to write all of the scripts that I will be filming for the DVD portion of the Bible Study that we will be filming November 7-10. Please pray for the filming, too.
sure, Bcunt is a creepy chick. but the fact that she is genuinely requesting that people toss prayers at her SCRAPBOOKING and FILMING success?! bitch has nerve she hasn't even used yet.
how do you like the gall.
the shame of it!
I'm not finished.
Steve has been out of town on business almost continuously and the young woman who helps with the kids while we are out of town (or when I need to write) was called to Michigan for a family emergency. To say the least, God is really stretching my faith, but I’m choosing to trust Him.
don't pray for Bcunt's (likely) illegal gal friday's family. BECAUSE GOD FORBID lisa miss her precious fucking republican cum sucking bible deadline.
I am so offended by this bitch, I can't even tell you.
I thought I’d share a handful of scanned pages from the rough draft of the Bible Study scrapbook, my story. childhood favorites. if I were a fruit, a room and a musical instrument. describe my (voracious bottom) husband in 15 words. my dearest family. inspirations along the way. churches. dear friends. I hope it gets you excited.
so who's wet? who's got wood? excited yet? well, don't worry. click on through and you will be. hot. hot. hot.
WARNING::: deeply disturbing and nauseating content. those with a weak stomach are encouraged to click through to Bcunt's bible scrapbooks with extreme caution, a bottle of gingerale, a pail and salted tops.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:04 AM
Sunday, October 22, 2006
what part of shitty market research did thomas KUNTcade miss when he sent me his little collectible christmas light spam?!
hi. jew. big fuckin jew. jewgirl jew. the jewiest of jews. with big fuckin tits. world wide web sized hips and jewergies to prove my super jeweyness.
thomas KUNTcade... SUCK MY (today wannabe male) DICK!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:22 PM
my cunt is menstruating like it might never have another opportunity to bleed again.
I need dick.
can't have the dick I want.
missed a call I really fucking wanted and needed to take, but my bitch ass crackwhoreberry didn't fucking ring.
mother fucking cock sucking fuckity fuck fuck
if I were a man today, I would tell everyone in the free world to suck my dick.
just shut the fuck up and suck my dick.
stop your yappin and suck my dick.
before you jump off that bridge, and you really should jump off that fuckin bridge, suck my fuckin dick!
I should've been born a man. but, I loooooooove being a chick. I do. I do. I do. I absolutely love being a beav. I love women. I think we are amazing.
but today... today, I want a dick. just today.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:48 PM
I got my menses yesterday.
my gash is on fire.
I have womb hostage worthy cramps.
I am retaining so much fucking water it's not even funny.
I feel like a big fat sow.
I can see my cheeks because my face is so fucking swollen.
I'm bleeding like a stuck pig and drainage in los angeles sucks ass, so I should probably send out a flash flood warning.
if I don't and somebody drowns, am I liable?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:35 AM
icet and coco
pussy eating contest
bionic jump passions
bleach spray cleaner
came in my mouth blog
junior high slow dance song
phobia of choking
submissive and pussy grooming
"unbuttoning my blouse" "spread my legs"
+1 jack @email@example.com 2006 email of zacharenko or dimitri operators in +370
bo duke sexy
farting is divine
craigslist, san jose, services, neurotic
loan & flange
nipple sucking obsession blog
ooh god i'm cumming
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:21 AM
I think I'm breaking up with an old friend.
I'm heartbroken about it.
so, I clean.
I listen to my favorite song, the goodbye girl.
and, I clean.
I can feel my brain defragmenting.
not finding resolution.
I hope I'm wrong.
but, I don't think so.
my great aunt fudgie always says, "kateala, it's only too late when you're six feet under."
I believe that.
everything is forgivable to a degree.
some things take an act of super strength.
If we break up, I will always feel an aching sense of loss.
the friend pool shrinks as you get older.
how many great friends does a person really get in one lifetime?
I wish things were different.
I wish that with every cleansing wipe, I could erase what happened.
that it was an apparition.
that it didn't really happen.
but I can't.
so, fuck me.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:55 AM
Friday, October 20, 2006
after pat's birthday, by kevin tillman
Editor’s note: Kevin Tillman joined the Army with his brother Pat in 2002, and they served together in Iraq and Afghanistan. Pat was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004. Kevin, who was discharged in 2005, has written a powerful, must-read document.
It is Pat’s birthday on November 6, and elections are the day after. It gets me thinking about a conversation I had with Pat before we joined the military. He spoke about the risks with signing the papers. How once we committed, we were at the mercy of the American leadership and the American people. How we could be thrown in a direction not of our volition. How fighting as a soldier would leave us without a voice… until we get out.
Much has happened since we handed over our voice:
Somehow we were sent to invade a nation because it was a direct threat to the American people, or to the world, or harbored terrorists, or was involved in the September 11 attacks, or received weapons-grade uranium from Niger, or had mobile weapons labs, or WMD, or had a need to be liberated, or we needed to establish a democracy, or stop an insurgency, or stop a civil war we created that can’t be called a civil war even though it is. Something like that.
Somehow our elected leaders were subverting international law and humanity by setting up secret prisons around the world, secretly kidnapping people, secretly holding them indefinitely, secretly not charging them with anything, secretly torturing them. Somehow that overt policy of torture became the fault of a few “bad apples” in the military.
Somehow back at home, support for the soldiers meant having a five-year-old kindergartener scribble a picture with crayons and send it overseas, or slapping stickers on cars, or lobbying Congress for an extra pad in a helmet. It’s interesting that a soldier on his third or fourth tour should care about a drawing from a five-year-old; or a faded sticker on a car as his friends die around him; or an extra pad in a helmet, as if it will protect him when an IED throws his vehicle 50 feet into the air as his body comes apart and his skin melts to the seat.
Somehow the more soldiers that die, the more legitimate the illegal invasion becomes.
Somehow American leadership, whose only credit is lying to its people and illegally invading a nation, has been allowed to steal the courage, virtue and honor of its soldiers on the ground.
Somehow those afraid to fight an illegal invasion decades ago are allowed to send soldiers to die for an illegal invasion they started.
Somehow faking character, virtue and strength is tolerated.
Somehow profiting from tragedy and horror is tolerated.
Somehow the death of tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people is tolerated.
Somehow subversion of the Bill of Rights and The Constitution is tolerated.
Somehow suspension of Habeas Corpus is supposed to keep this country safe.
Somehow torture is tolerated.
Somehow lying is tolerated.
Somehow reason is being discarded for faith, dogma, and nonsense.
Somehow American leadership managed to create a more dangerous world.
Somehow a narrative is more important than reality.
Somehow America has become a country that projects everything that it is not and condemns everything that it is.
Somehow the most reasonable, trusted and respected country in the world has become one of the most irrational, belligerent, feared, and distrusted countries in the world.
Somehow being politically informed, diligent, and skeptical has been replaced by apathy through active ignorance.
Somehow the same incompetent, narcissistic, virtueless, vacuous, malicious criminals are still in charge of this country.
Somehow this is tolerated.
Somehow nobody is accountable for this.
In a democracy, the policy of the leaders is the policy of the people. So don’t be shocked when our grandkids bury much of this generation as traitors to the nation, to the world and to humanity. Most likely, they will come to know that “somehow” was nurtured by fear, insecurity and indifference, leaving the country vulnerable to unchecked, unchallenged parasites.
Luckily this country is still a democracy. People still have a voice. People still can take action. It can start after Pat’s birthday.
Brother and Friend of Pat Tillman,
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:17 PM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:51 PM
listen up you vile, evil, life sucking stringy cunt bitch whores, if you don't back the fuck off, I am going to rip you out of my head and burn you!
would it kill you to let up for 5 fucking minutes? aren't you the slightest bit concerned that you're going to hit your sneezing and stuffy nose quota? what if you're only allocated "X" amount of sneezes in this lifetime? do you have a fucking back-up plan?
how about being a little sensitive to ME? what about my needs? I'm in this relationship to, you know?! don't I get a say?
what are you, male? you have little COCKtails attached to the base of your seeney strings?
and, no, I don't feel like reconciling. we're so dead, we're petrified.
go with god, you sinus snatch
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:34 PM
Thursday, October 19, 2006
shalom. jewgirl here. wp, I am fulfilling my book meme obligation. and, might I add, this happens to be the first time I'm super happy to be meme'ing. thanks for thinking of me, muffin top.
1 ) One book that changed your life: WOMEN by charles bukowski
2) One book that you’d read more than once: wake me when it's funny.
3) One book you’d want on a deserted island: the dream of a common language
4) One book that made you laugh: me talk pretty one day, a mind of its own, a cultural history of the penis.
5) One book that made you cry: the true and outstanding adventures of the hunt sisters
6) One book you wish you’d written: good in bed, then she found me, the the true and outstanding adventures of the hunt sisters, and the horse he rode in on.
7) One book you wish had never been written: every fucking anne cunt coulter book that's been or will be published.
8) One book you’re currently reading: pledged and running with scissors.
9) One book you’ve been meaning to read: a million little pieces.
10) tag 5 people: I've already done this!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:49 PM
cast your vote! choose the winning essay. no way I can do it. ribbed for your pleasure and 5th dimension wrote the most fuck off FABULOUS ESSAYS! winner gets $25 sent via pay pal and a virtual crown with blair's pussy nestled right on top!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:10 PM
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
my online bff, wp, tagged me for a book meme. it's actually kind of a cool one. I'm gonna do it, but be warned, I am tagging the following for the same meme:
here are the questions...
1 ) One book that changed your life:
2) One book that you’d read more than once:
3 ) One book you’d want on a deserted island:
4) One book that made you laugh:
5) One book that made you cry:
5) One book that made you cry:
6) One book you wish you’d written:
7) One book you wish had never been written:
8) One book you’re currently reading:
9) One book you’ve been meaning to read:
10) Tag five people:
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:47 AM
wanting what you will never have because it's simply not requited sucks the ass of an old chipotle salsa topped latke eater's ass.
but, what broad in her right mind would want to be with someone who wouldn't want to be with her?!
and, you know it.
I know it.
wanting someone I care about to be happy means more than what I might want.
life is a mother fucker sometimes.
he doesn't read my blog.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:39 AM
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
goddess guth emailed me an article called, jewess bashes stay at home moms that I am passing on to you, and you fucking have to read it because this is a whole new level of hate. this broad's spin on the jew's need to eradicate christianity and homemaking is so sick.
you have to read it because it's important. these are the jew-haters we need to be aware of. she is hitler dangerous.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:00 PM
not me. dumb ass.
one of my best friend's, also named, katie.
she was a gorgeous bride.
the nuptials were in philly this weekend.
it was beautiful.
fantastic to be back east.
I saw friends and people I hadn't seen in 15-years.
I'm so glad I went.
and I am the anti-christ of weddings.
this was spectacular.
best wedding I've ever been to.
so happy for the blushing bride.
now let's discuss my deep sorrow about having to leave the east to come west.
it was so hard to get on that plane.
no. it was so hard to get on that fucking plane.
I didn't want to do it.
it took every ounce of strength I had to board. and, two valium.
fear not. I'm a jewgirl with a plan. kind of. in the making really. definitely. it's brewing in my head. and my heart. it has to ruminate. it has to blossom. it will.
I am so into kd lang's, hymns of the 49th parallel at the minute that if there were a lesbian recruitment committee now would be a great time to sell fehatty on the perks and benys of membership.
it was great to see haglette the hellnine. god, I missed him. he's very grounding. he had serious canine fun at canyon view. made a few friends. got his swirl on with a few of the bettys. kid loves shiksa labrador blondes. very upsetting. you'd think he'd go for something moroccan or ethnic. he's a shvatsa jew. what the hell is he doing with the shiksas, huh? this is the four legged man I raised?! how did this happen?! geez louise.
what else... jewergies are under control. I have bills to pay. not fun. all is well. no complaints.
ok, that's a big fat fuck lie, but I kvetch a lot on this blog. I am going to exercise restraint.
ok, that's a big fat fuck lie too.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:54 PM
Thursday, October 12, 2006
that divine creature, ribbed for your pleasure has submitted a FABULOUS essay for the 1st annual blair warner pussy eating contest and it's a doozy!!!!
I may not have the cachet Jesus has, but I am the best pussy eater in the world because I treat cunnilingus like a religion. God made fingers for feeling, and penises for peeing, but he put a tongue in my mouth just so I can chow down on your lips of love.
That’s right, Blair! Nancy McKeon may have given you a first taste of tongue love, but her Sapphic advances cannot compare to the legendary Mountjoy Mouth. It isn’t just the skill, it’s the enthusiasm that will have you in spasms. The devilish look in my eyes, as you peer down over your expansive pubic thatch (nice girl’s don’t trim "down there" do they?) to see just my eyes and forehead, hard up against your crotch. That feel of my warm breath on your thighs, as I trace my tongue up the inside of you legs towards the promised land. Let your Garden of Eden erupt with a river of love as I help unlock the pleasures of your Rosebud, so you can take a sled ride to heaven. And heaven it will be, because my mouth music will be a religious experience for you: as those thighs of yours clamp down around my ears when I’ve taken you over the edge, I know the muffled sounds I will be hearing are you crying out "Oh God! Oh Lord! Jesus H. Christ!". Amen.
(just be sure to wash well down there and use a good douche, okay? Some of your religious fuckers have enough funk down there to leave a Shroud of Turin on your gusset, you know…)
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:30 PM
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
from our fifth dimension darling, mister mxyzptlk.
please enjoy this wonderful essay submission for the 1st annual blair warner pussy eating contest ;0
I may not have the cachet jesus has, but I am the best pussy eater in the world because I am an imp from the fifth dimension and my little tongue can do things that a mortal human's cannot. Like for instance, it can focus on just one of Blair's clit cells at a time and can slurp at the speed of sound for minutes or hours if necessary. While I am eating Blair's pussy I can slip my little body inside her and tickle Blair's g-spot with my feet.
My hands can caress the base of her clit while on the outside my hat spins at warp speed adding a stimulating breeze to the works. My small size gives me the ability to eat Blair's pussy like a woman sucks cock. Yes, my hands can go up and down and around the shaft while my head bobs up and down on the tip of Blair's clit. I can flip upside down and twaddle Blair's clit with my feet while I lick and suck her g-spot.
Bet you humans never thought of that! I am a whole-pussy pussy-eater. And what makes you think I don't have the cachet jesus has?
BRA-FUCKIN-VO!!! YOU ROCK! YOU MADE MY DAY! THIS IS PERFECT!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:46 PM
who are the fuckers?
sinuses. I canNOT stop fucking sneezing no matter how many allergy shots I get or antihistamines I take. fuck. fuck. mother fuck.
the irony between louiejew and I right now is just a bit more than I can take at the minute.
jewcifer's medical expenses right now are way too much for one dame.
weight. weight. weight. I'm so fat right now that if you put sundial accessories on me, you could spin me and get an accurate reading. better yet, carve me, fly a lantern in my belly, spray paint me orange and what a perfect pumpkin I'd be.
I'm sending louie to camp this week (what an auschwitzy thing for a jew to say. the guilt). not wanting to at ALL. canyon view is a canine shangri-la. I used to love taking him. but, I am phobic he will choke. choking is my biggest in fear in life. he choked this year on a ball and almost died. they say facing your biggest phobia helps ease your fear whatever your fear is. they can kiss my freckled flappy lipped wannabe miracle of a vadge. cause that so ain't true.
loving ain't right now. it's that perfect blend of truck driving white trash and bible belt cow tipping teen.
that's it. I'm done. gotta go to work. argh. argh. argh.
ps::: if you don't know the origin of the image above... go away! kidding. but, you should know it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:46 AM
Monday, October 09, 2006
total job security. nobody ever questions jesus. he doesn't get reprimanded or written up. it's assumed that he does his job. he's regarded as a skilled multi-tasking go-getter. but, I've never seen a monthly report, have you?
he's slim and in great shape. the man can eat anything he wants, and pig out until the cows come home. but, he never gains an ounce! he doesn't exercise and still, that jesus is so ripped.
he's a world traveler and apparently shows up at all major functions without ever having to buy a new outfit or pay for travel expenses. wouldn't it be great if loin cloths and white robes would catch on? oh, wait, the white robes have caught on, but I don't think the klan counts. do they?
he's been on the new york times best seller list forever. he's sold more copies of his books than any other author in the world.
he's ambisexual and has slept with some very prominent figures, like, mary, matthew, mark, luke, and john. yet, he's never had to pay for a date. how many men and women do you know who put out for flatbread and a piece of boiled fish?!
between the fundamentalists and the republicans, he takes a hit for the team ALL THE TIME and never complains about it. he's epitomizes being taken advantage of, but he's very cool about it. I've never once seen him deck anyone. you?
he's got a super pleasant disposition. he never raises his voice or gets angry. he's very even keeled that jesus. I wonder if he takes zolaft...
he's very popular with boys and girls. very much a social butterfly. extroverted even. he's never been called weird or or anti-social. he's the life of the party!
though he's wayyyy close to his mother, I don't think he's regarded as a mamma's boy. he's been able to seperate himself from her. he doesn't run to her every time he has an issue with a girl.
he's well read and keeps up on current events.
he's very well branded. you'll find his likeness in paintings, sculptures, photographs and on catchy phrased chachkeys like, what would jesus do, keyrings, mousepads, undies and t-shirts.
all in all, jesus has a pretty great gig. and, he seems to enjoy it. he doesn't have medical expenses. he doesn't have to worry about a pension or about saving money. it just doesn't suck being jesus.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:08 AM
Saturday, October 07, 2006
amy guth's blog is one of my daily runs. love it! love her work! she's amazing. she posted a link, sex in christ, that is truly the embodiment of the fundamentalist's ability to spin ANYTHING!
check out these links:
sex in christ
oral sex and god's will
anal sex and god's will
viagra and god's will
threesomes within a christian marriage
bondage in christ
fisting and god's will
reader QandA, YOU HAVE TO READ!!!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:31 PM
Friday, October 06, 2006
blair warner loves jesus with all her heart. he's her daddy. still, this raises a question for me, though they seem to spend an awful lot of time together, does jesus really have time for a face to pussy with blaire?
and, what about blair's husband? she loves him with all her heart too. but, he's a serious shim who SCREAMS gas station, glory hole queen.
poor blair really doesn't have many pussy noshables in her life, now does she? in fact, it wouldn't come as a shock to me to learn that she has yet to even experience the wonders of good ol' fashioned american clit suckin', finger fuckin' goodness.
being a humanitarian, I am putting my most selfless foot forward in the hopes that we can crown one lucky king, queen or quig, the official 2006 blair warner pussy eater.
eligibility for the 2006 blair warner pussy eating contest: must be prepared to travel extensively for maximum dining opportunities. he, she, shim must excel in the art of the nosh with a track record to prove it! professional training with degrees, certificates and letters of recommendation are mandatory.
Candidates interested are to write a 200 word essay using this intro sentence, I may not have the cachet jesus has, but I am the best pussy eater in the world because... essays should be emailed in the face of the email, to: Ieatblair@bwpec.com. all attachments will be deleted.
finalists will be flown to texas, blair's home state, for a poolside, afternoon nosh on blair's pussy at the best western inn. so, get your mangos and ho's out, and start practicing!
the winner of the 2006 blair warner pussy eating contest: wins a red, white and blue life size silicon replica of blair warner's pussy sitting atop an enviable silver crown. all expenses paid travel with blair. and, of course, blair's needy, giant, god fearing pussy.
I'm counting on you to make this a world class annual event!
go with god,
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:18 PM
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I was having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine today about this boy who chonched on her beav last night. sure, he got her off... eventually. but, he wasn't a student of pussy. we decided this was a common issue.
if you're gonna nosh, whether you're straight or lezzy there is such a thing as pussy etiquette.
floss, and not with her stragglin' pubes. it doesn't count.
brush your teeth, no broad wants halitosis twat! this is hot because?
groomed fingernails, don't be thinkin' about digging your dark dirty nail grime inside mine or anyone else's cunt. yeah. that's a big NO. our boxes are breeding grounds for bacteria. trust me. we don't need any external forces contibuting to an already ripe hot bed of bacteria in waiting. as for hangnails... don't even think about it. if it scratches your face. hurts when it catches on your wool sweater or makes you wince, IMAGINE what it feels like scraping against the great v-wall.
clit lickers are welcomed, but for the love of god, fly a few fingers inside the flange. and this whole, "two is plenty" thing, fuck you. there isn't one self respecting millennium whore doesn't want to feel the burn!
girls, spill! nicoleo. vocab. honey smack. freak and a whore. big mouth. that black lesbian jew. all other divas... throw us a pearl.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:33 PM
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
day sucked a midwestern subaru driver's ass.
spoke to vet.
they say mean things.
yeah. I can be a delicious cunting whore, but I ain't mean.
I ain't spiteful.
I ain't a cunt.
cunty and cuntish do not equate to cunt.
want this year to end.
need a new year.
new season. new beginning.
this is as vulnerable as it's going to get, people.
save boobs: boobiethon.com:: ends october 7th. what are you waiting for!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:18 PM
you know that song::
Jenny, I got your number
Jenny, I need to make you mine
Jenny, don't change your number
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?! what planets aligned so tommy tutone could sell this top of the pop chart, inapropriate tune?!
I am so offended that it popped into my head without any forwarning. I feel violated.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:03 PM
Monday, October 02, 2006
well, I'll tell you. after a discussion about my latest vetventure at $519., wp offered up the following pearls:
It's nothing, you know he's Super Dog. BTW, the vet should throw in a blow job and a portable DVD player at these rates.
save our boobies:: boobiethon.com!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:02 PM
which one of you bitches emailed this to me, may i have sex with you? initials dc. do I look like I was born yesterday? huh? do I? what am I? new! hardly. I won't publish shim's email address because that's just wrong on every level. a girl has standards!
today is my favorite holiday in the world, yom kippur. it was a perfectly heebalicious day. yom follows rosh. on yom we atone for our sins. rosh hashanah is the jew-new-year. both holidays are great. love the whole, atone-in-a-day. talk about fabulous. the services are quite beautiful. one of my favorite prayers, the kaddish, prayer for the dead always tops off the service. it's just a very introspective reflective holiday. I dig that so much (ok, 70s dancing queen).
happy jew year. atone beautifully.
show your boobs and raise money to stop breast cancer: boobiethon.com!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:21 PM
Sunday, October 01, 2006
I am so tired, oy. that jesus sure does love to dish. when my blackberry rang and the screen said, jesus calling, I was going to forward it to voicemail, but he'd only show up and want to have a girl's night. I'm menstruating, so I really wasn't up for that.
he wanted to talk about the lisa welchel/blaire situation. who knew there was one?! well, apparently there is, and a BIG ONE at that. he's feeling hocked to death (or to life, depending on your religious slant). she doesn't stop with him. she calls constantly. she has big time creepy chick syndrome. he is so OVER IT.
anyway, he asked for my advice. I really didn't know what to tell him. poor guy. she's way ocd about him. he's thought about filing a restraining order against her. but, he's afraid it would exacerbate the situation. he's in a serious conundrum. she constantly calls for guidance, thanks, a chat, to send good wishes to her family. to help her get through the day, finish her chores, have a larger following. she wants, and wants and wants. her neediness is overwhelming!
it's just way too one-sided. she never EVER asks about him. she's so selfish. and, you know how selfless that jesus is.
I told him that because she believes in the whole heaven and hell thing, he should recruit the evil forces of nature to lead her down the path of temptation. but to make her think it's what he wants. he thought it was a good idea, so he's going to give it a whirl.
I'll let you know how it goes. he said he'd call me next week.
show your boobies:: boobiethon.com
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:19 AM
this time of year, if I'm single, which I am, it always feels like cock hunting season. like god forbid I spend the holidays and valentine's day without a man. because it's the worst possible thing that could happen to a girl.
like I need to drag my fat ass out and strategically hunt for relationship dick NOW.
and, the fact that I haven't found commitment peeny makes me a fucking inadequate freak-tard, incapable of the shrewdness required to manifest a man.
well, FUCK THAT!
so, I'm a pain in my own ass. so, I like impossible men who couldn't possibly fulfill my needs. so, I have issues with emotional intimacy. compared to the men I am attracted to, I'm still a rook. so what gives?!
has it occurred to the self help set that I am choosing to be single for yet another holiday season until I can eradicate these issues? does it make me that much of a vile, disgusting, shameful whore bag?! since when does a meat free holiday season or two equate to relationship loser?!
show your boobies right now for breast cancer research:: boobiethon.com
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:34 AM
coffee talk with blaire. this week's journal entry.
this part's my favorite:
my mom chose the chili and sea bass. (That sounded really good on this crisp, cool, fall evening.) By the time my mom was served her ganache chocolate cheesecake, we realized she wasn’t going to get her bowl of chili. We later figured out she had ordered “Chilean sea bass.” Oops. We felt like real hicks.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:49 AM