I bought some new chach on ebay. I'm on a syroco sconce tear at the minee. (I'll post pickys of my digs and it will all make sense). anyhoo.... this afternoon my box came (ooh. go, schwartzy) and when I opened it, what didn't this cunt use to ship my package?!?!?!
plastic meat containers for chicken, pork and beef from "the walmart". USED styrofoam cups. pubic hair. ashes and a few gpc ciggy butts and the stench of DEATH and ASS.
I dumped the whole thing and cloroxed the counter to death. snatch.
I sent her a strongly worded email and told her to refund my money asap.
I am out of blog dish. I got nuttin' interesting. bubs asked me to elaborate on the douche yarn. here yas go.
after I told pershina she wasn't getting inside my box, she told me I was immature and irrational. me?! nervey enough. I said, you're from a very conservative country (I had to be diplomatic. I couldn't say ass backwards. wanted to, but didn't). I can't imagine it's acceptable for you to be handling my vagina. I kid you not, she ripped the cookie that was dangling from my lips out of my mouth and ordered me out of her house. cunt. I ran into her about a year later at bank of america. she said, I recognize you. where do I know you from? I couldn't help myself... I wanted to rent your apartment, but you refused to rent it to me because I wouldn't let you douche me. she ran out of there faster than time. (get it)?
I got nuttin.
I was tellin' guthy the other day about my naybah and her new fuck toy bartholomew. I have a serious issue with her fucking a bartholomew. why you ask? well, when she's cumming, she insists on wailing, I'm cumming bartholomew, I'm cumming. it's a problem for me. why can't she call him bart.
what else can I spill?
my brother sent me three books that I'm very excited to read.
oh, I'm waiting. I'm a lady in waiting. not for dick, though that would be a fabulous perk. I'm always up for fresh meat. this is for something else.
I have to return a phone call. I am so not in the mood to dish over the phone right now. oy vey. who can be bothered?
I took juice to the vet today so the vet could feel him up to make sure he recovered from his back surgery and lemme tell ya, that kid is so resilient. he's doing famously. he's already back at the park running and playing catch. not bad, eh?
I am so boring right now it's just not funny.
leepee hasn't posted anything. she's still cavorting with jesus. she's trying to hear some small still voice. what the fuck does that mean? so queer ass.
Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer and non-fiction essayist, among other literary loves. She is a contributing writer for Zouch Magazine and Mock Paper Scissors. To read more, hit http://katieschwartz.com/bio