Sunday, March 30, 2008

Firecrotch, But for Real!


This week menses commenced and the fire department came a knockin’—yes, in that order, but not to hose the aching, cramping, burning loins. They are two separate items.



I spent a week in pre-menses hell and finally the dams broke Wednesday early in the afternoon. In fact, my sister and I began menstruating at the same exact time. She wouldn’t be amused that I’m sharing that bit of trivia, but she’ll forgive me. Happy Period, Katie and Kerri!



Anyhochie…



My sister and I met in front of our buildinks at 4ish so we could run a few errands. I walked out of my aptula and smelled/saw smoke, and lots of it wafting from the back of the building through the roof. Hmm, I thought. That’s curious. It smells like burnt popcorn, or does it smell like hair and I’m having a massive heart attack in 5, 4, 3, 2…?!



I flew open the front door and asked Ker to come inside and tell me if she saw/smelled smoke, too. She walked in and winced, nauseated by the smell and gagging on the smoke. We still weren’t convinced there was a fire because there were no flames. I guess we’re just not fire savvy chicks.



Kerri said, “We need to call the fire department.” I said, “Wait, hang a mo, let me do some fact checking first. I’ll head up the stairs and see what’s doing.” I went up the stairs and the smoke was even worse. This was not a good sign. My sister was standing by the front door repeating, KATIE, CAN YOU HEAR ME? KATIE, ARE YOU THERE? KATIE, COME DOWNSTAIRS. KATIE, KATIE, KATIE. It was all very stop-drop-and-roll and way too overly dramatic, but cute.



I ran into my apt, grabbed my dead dog and my laptop and put everything in the trunk of my car. Ker called 911. Still unconvinced, I felt it was best to take a more reserved approach and called the fire department’s non-emergency number. I explained what was going on and said, “I don’t want to be an alarmist, so let’s chat about what’s happening and maybe you can send a man out to assess the situation. She instructs me to pull the fire alarm (which the building does NOT have) and start knocking on doors to evacuate. Evacuate?! Fabulous! I avoid the majority of my neighbors and now I have to start evacuating?!



So much for calling the non-emergency number…Within 5 minutes, 4 fire trucks and 20, TWENTY firedames and firedicks were in front of my building. The street was blocked off and chaos ensued. They started busting down doors to find the source. It was a 16-act drama, children.



There was a fire in the alley because one of my douche neighbors burned two fucking bags of fucking popcorn and tossed them into the fucking alley bin and it started a fucking fire.



My campy, let’s-throw-a-tea-party-proper-lady neighbor (love ha) walks out of her apartment in a suit, hair done and fresh lipstick ready for her close-up being saved by any firedaddy of doom. So shameful.



So, wait, it gets bettah... Slumlord calls me screaming because there's no fire alarm in the building, which is illegal (by the by) and then has the nerve to get pissy with me for calling the fucking fire department—HI—SMOKE EVERYWHERE. I do believe we made the right decision, yes?! Yes!



In the meantime, I’ve decided I need to create a fire-to-go-bag as a just in case.

Thank you, MonkeyMucker


Look what I got in the mail from MonkeyMucker this weekend, a vinty White Sox baseball card of Rusty Kuntz! Menschy enough. Thank you, SimianStud, this is so damn sweet of you. You know I lah'me some vinty tchach. Aww, ya such a mensch.

Purim Hangover...VideoJew visits Chabad Party

VideoJew's Road to Recovery, ha!





Yo, Left Eye, WTF?!


Police: Forsyth Man Hit, Killed Girlfriend With Truck I know this is a total bubbsie post, so if Bubbalish wants to cross-post, please post.


It's a postable I had to blog. Mark ran over his girlfriend with a half-ton truck and killed her, yet he was arrested for a DUI and out on bail for a mere $1,375?



Uh-ha.
I see.



He whacked his girlfriend, would that be the "serious" felony charge they reference in the article? Or the DUI? Are you mothah fuckin' kiddin' me?! I find this deeply disturbing and appalling that a man who violently and deliberately murders his girlfriend is out on bail, and for under 2K.



Okay, now onto the left eye. We all see it, it's not something one can miss. It's a rather expressive, Quasimotto wandering left eye. Can we all agree that it's a bit challenging on the peepers, that one might need a minute to take it in? Okay, great.



Here's what I'm having difficulty with: He went and found himself a bird who loved him for who he was. At some point in the relationship, she rode her man's cock until she came on more than one occasion. She stared longingly into his left eye, showering him in affection. She didn't care about the eye, she got past it and saw the man. There aren't that many people who would do that.



WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE THINKING KILLING THE WOMAN WHO LOVED HIM?! How many chippy's out there are there for him?



---
Best wrong number of the week: "Can I speak to the parents of Haysus Banyos?" Sorry, wrong number. She calls back, "Wait, can I speak to the parents of Gustavo Suarez?" It's still the wrong number. I don't have children. She asks, "No children at this number?" Not a one. I wanted to say "Call the Jolie-Pitt residence. Ya never know, I'm just sayin'."



Best spam subject line of the week: Be Hard Even When Flaccid. Shouldn't market research indicate that I have a vagina?!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Tonight, Get your Fixx, Baby

"Fixx Reading Series super double feature, with readings this week and next!"

Thursday, March 27th (today!) @ 7:30pm

Larry O. Dean // Cris Mazza // Laura Van Prooyen

AND, next week: Thursday April 3rd @ 7:30pm

Shauna Compton // Jennifer Knox // Danielle Pafunda

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

She Dishes up the Best Coffey In Town


And today is her BIRTHDAY!!! Our beloved and fabulous diva, Bethykins is 49 today. She's written a gorgeous post in celebration of her day. Click on over and read and wish her the happiest birthday evah.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BETHY!
May this year be filled with great health, unbridled happiness and everything your sweet, sweet heart desires.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Trouble in Deville!


Trouble DeVille, A Southern Fried Crime Noir Novel by the fabulous and famous MonkeyMucker.



Simian Stud's debut novel is a must read. I thoroughly enjoyed it and I'm not even a noireyish chick. The boy knows how to spin a yarn. You read his blog, yes? Great, you already know that he's a most excellent writer. He only has a few copies left, I suggest you haul ass over to his blog asssssssssappy and buy yourself a copy before they're all gone.


MonkeyMucker, are we working on our second novel? "Yes, Katie" is the proper response.

Subject: I Just LOVE the IRS


Dear IRS;

Thank you so, so much for taking the time to read my letter. I know how slammed you are launching thorny, protruding objects into our rectums, by the way, we love that. It feels so good on top of inflation, the high price of gas, job insecurities, rising rents, impending foreclosures, oh, and overwhelming terror that McFuckain might actually become president. Yeah, it truly is the best of times.

Anyway.

Imagine my surprise when my accountant e-stalked me to let me know that after doing my taxes it turns out that I owe you the equivalent of a brand spankin' new medium sized car or a down payment on a modest house. Please don't think I'm ungrateful--I would hate for you to feel that way. I am grateful, really, even though 50% of my income went towards justifiable write-offs.

I super love you guys and can't thank you enough for the gift you've given me. Hey, quick question, can I get a free meal with this debt?

Loving,
Katie


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Oooh-Oooh-Oooh, Cherry Popping Dish


The Pilcrow Lit Fest "Five With" Katie has been posted. Check it out, yo. I just popped my literary festival interview cherry.



In other Pilish dish, Pilcrow is on Twitter, twitterfriend them hard for the latest updates and such. Pilcrow is also accepting donations, so fabulous. We can put our love of all things literary where our mouths are and chalk up a few buckaroos.



I know I'm way behind on my meemish detail. Let's not judge, tomorrow I'll start posting like nobody's bizola.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Ooh, Child

My site should be done in the next two-weeks and I am plotzarella squared. Jeff Zani is a magnificent designer and what he's putting together is off the mothah fuckin' hook. See the header of my blog? Check out the temporary About Katie page right here... Didjya's see that header there? I KNOW, RIGHT?! Kid's amazing. His work makes me scream. I'm so excited, I can't stand it.



Check out his work. If you need a website, or a logo, or a fabulous design, he is yo'man, yo. He's even MySpacing. e-Stalk him for work. Easy peasy.



My book is coming together beee-uutifully. I will have some dishable news to spill in the next few weeks. We like positive things, don't we?! Yes, indeed we do.



Off to read a few blogs before I meem myself into a heated frenzy.

Addictive YouTube Video, Chocolate Rain

My youngest brother, Nick, sent me a video called Chocolate Rain. It's so odd, and surreal, and strangely addictive. Watch, you'll see what I mean.








PS: I am grossly behind on meeme detail. Fear not, it will get done today or tomorrow. Don't hate Jewgirl. Love a good meemish and ya's damn well know it.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

This Week Can Suck My Dick


This week started out curiously, not bad, not good, more like beige. I can live with beige, it's practical, efficient and sensible. Not all weeks are going to be fabulous, and, hi, I'm not a fucktard, I'll take beige over horrific any day. Right? Right.



Sadly, the last few days of my beigey little week morphed, hard. Kind of like being tossed into the film "My Private Idaho" without the, but-the-seizures-feel-so-good, moments, and the exquisite, albeit creepy, "Reqium for a Dream", dream sequences. I was forced into wearing a, hello-clarice-muzzle and porn-ball-gag, so I wouldn't roar, "FUCK-YOU-FUCK-THIS-FUCK-EVERYTHING." "SUCK-MY-MOTHAH'-FUCKIN-DICK."


I'm a peenqueen, not a peenbasher, this we can awwwwl agree on, yes? Great. I need five minutes, please, to vent about one very specific peen, please, thank you.



Peenestros e-stalked me twice. Three minutes later because I hadn't yet received or responded to said stalks, he called, DEMANDING that I tell him where his wife was. Your wife? Um, I've been friends with "your wife" for thirty years, I think you can safely refer to her as "Name" without compromising the impact of your question. I'm not Google maps. If she removed the location microchip you implanted into her neck, there's really not that much I can do, now is there? Finally if she didn't return your call within the hour, in the middle of her work day and this isn't an emergency... COULD YOU, OH, I DON'T KNOW, MAN THE FUCK UP AND QUIT BEING SO FUCKING NEUROTIC?!



With a smile, in the most acidulous tone I could verbalize, I fantasized about saying, "Sweetie, here's a penis, strap it on and pretend like you own it, okay? I know you can do it. Oh, you're such a good, good boy. Get to know it, see what it feels like to claim ownership of said penis. Feels good, yes? Now, go. Take that penis out into the world and use it for good."



Instead, I held my tongue, to keep the peace. Shame.Shame.Shame.



I had two power packed days of that drama, miscommunication with the majority of people who crossed my path and still SOMEHOW found a way to piss a few stragglers off along the way.



I'm so glad it's Saturday.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Frannylish's Middle Name Meemish


Big non-sequitur post with a point... In my own Jewgirl way.



I am OCD'ng myself into a frenzy with
Twitter. I can't stop twittering myself (pun yourselves into a good shvitz, ga'head. I just gave ya's a beauuutiful set up). I did manage to tear myself away, but it was sooooooooo hard.



I exercised.



It was a busy day. I was so very busy with myself.



I have many e-stalks to respond to.



I realized something today, too, I love multi-tasking. I think it's hardwired into my DNA? Lately, I've been dishing with one of my BFF's about simplifying my life, something I want to do. I also love multi-tasking. I'm trying to figure out how to do both better.



Frannylish posted about an organization called Black and Missing. Please read her post and support this endeavor- I'm so happy she posted about this.



I dished with my youngest brother today. He's a great kid. He's also 21, so when he calls I ask, "Is everything okay? Are you in trouble? Do you need anything?" Kid's great, thank God.



Today is my sister's anniversary. She's a married lady of two-years now.



I found a dishy new blog via twitter today that you must check out,
Aliza Sherman Rants and Raves, she's an insightful bird. Check it out.



I have so much to do, I don't know where to begin.



I love men with full beards. It started with a lumberjack I met while skiing in Lake Tahoe when I was a freshman in college. Three days of skiing, drinking and fucking. Oh, wait, we did dish a bit. I adored his wood driven yarns. They were so lumbery in that ice-cooler-proper-lunch kind of way.


I'm listening to Aretha Franklin sing Amazing Grace, live-- So beautiful.



AHHHHHHKAAAAAY ... Frannylish's Meem, The Middle Name Meeme



Here are the Rules


1. You have to post the rules before you give your answers.



2. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother's maiden name).



3. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person (or blogger of another species) for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged.)



My middle name is LOUIE. I'm named after my great grandparents, Katie and Louie. Is that TMI? Moving along.



L: Loquacious, loving and too literal sometimes. I can be shamefully gullible in that 52-card-pick-up-way. I've also missed the joke. Shame.Shame.Shame. While reading like-it-matters, even if I know what a word is, I'll mispronounce it and forget the meaning. I'm not sure why this is. Here's an example: I spent six-months looking for pre-sifted flour and could not, for the life of me, find it. Every time I strolled my ass down the baking aisle, I kept seeing prestified flour. Remember the movie The Untouchables? I never saw it, I saw The oon-too-shah-blays. I love falling in love as much as I love falling out of love. Weird, right? I know.



O: Open, I am very open-minded and insatiably curious by nature.



U: Umbilical chord, not something I believe needs to be metaphorically cut in order to be independent.



I: Indecisive & irreplaceable, I'm indecisive about little decisions, not big ones. To love and be loved by the people in my life is what I regard as irreplaceable, not the tchoch.



E: Enraptured, entertained & enthusiastic. You write the definition. Kidding. I'm easily entertained and love to laugh. Each of my pursuits is done with great enthusiasm and drive. Hello, are you new, I'm enraptured by love.



Now, who to tag... Hmmm



Monday, March 10, 2008

Oh, Oh, Oh, I Almost Forgot


Today while dishing with my accountant's assistant, I asked, "Can I fax my tax dish over instead of dropping it off?"

He said, "Oh, sure, honey, no problem. Who is this?"

I said, "Katie Schwartz."

He said, "Fabulous! Fax it on over, HARRY."

Admittedly, I was perplexed and said, "I'm not Harry, I'm Katie Schwartz."

I kid you not, he said, "Yes, I know, Harry."

Jaw dropped, so like a dumb ass, I asked, "Is there someone in the office with you who thinks you're dishing with a Harry?"

He said, "No, it's just me."

I was so fuckin' irritated, I said, "WELL, I'M NOT HARRY. I'M KATIE."

And he said, "Yeah, I know."

Is it fucktard Monday?! For the love....

Again, I asked, "Why do you keep calling me Harry?"

He said, "I don't know."

THAT MADE ME SCREAM. HOW HILAR IS THAT?!

Now, I'm wondering, do I have a huskyish, maley voice? I thought I sounded like a chick. Cormac? Guthy? Do I sound like a woman or a man, give it to me straight. I can take it.


PS: Frannylish, I am doing the middle name meemish tomorrow.

Thrift Store Worker Returns 30K



Read the story, it's short and afterwards read my Howard Cosellian response. If you think it's cunty, fine, fine, fine.

Barbarita Nunez was sorting clothes on Tuesday at the Veterans Thrift Store when she found a small box. Inside was an envelope of cash. Nunez said at first she thought the money was fake. But just in case, she gave it to her supervisor.

The money turned out to belong to a woman who had recently died. It was returned to her family, who gave Nunez a cash reward.

Nunez said she will send some of the reward to Mexico so her mother can have an eye operation and will use the rest to buy a digital camera."

If I found 30K in that situation, I admit it, I'd keep it, I would. I really would. What cracks me up is the cliche ending of the yarn. I'm just sayin'.

Why Couldn't it have been JUST a Prostitute?!


New York governor involved in prostitution ring—Republicans get caught in prostitution rings, not democrats. You couldn't just go for the blowjob from a few hookers?! No, not you, doll, you had to take on an entire prostitution RING. Oy vey a shmear. Bubbalah.

"Spitzer gained a name for himself while serving as attorney general for pursuing Wall Street transgressions and prosecuted at least two prostitution rings during his time in office." What were you thinking, child, that you could set up a better business model? Please. Did you at least give the girls insurance?

He's keeping the gig despite the prossyring. Ya gotta love his moxie. I'm glad he's fighting the good fight. I'm always pleased when a public official is fucking, it gives me peace of mind.

PS: Governor Spitzalish if you ever feel like spilling about your kinks, we'd love the dish. Drop by any time.

How was your day? Enough about you!


I was stuck in traffic behind this debacle. Oh, what debacle you ask? The fucking fake, stuffed, identical dogs trapped in the windows, gasping for fake air with their fake tongues hanging out of their fake mouths dripping fake drool. Fuck. Fuck. Mother Fuck.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

MySpace Douchebags


Oh, Bubbsie Wubbsie I love you so-oh-oh-oh, Bubbsie Wubbsie, thank you so-oh-oh-oh.



Our Sprawling Daddy of Doom sent me a jpg and a link to.... Drum roll, please....
MySpaceDouchebags. Click now. You will fucking howl, it's hilar squared. The douchiest of douchebags are on this site with Howard Cosell commentary and all. What a find.



Thanks, Bubbsie!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I want to Marry The Onion!


Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

IM'ng with Coco's Vagina


Stunning.



Non-sequitur of the day: I love watching things come to a boil, not metaphorically, literally, specifically water and coffee.



This afternoon, I was logged onto Yahoo under my screen name, herecomescreepy and I got the strangest IM.



CojynaAtLarge: Hey, Katie, are you there?


HereComesCreepy: I am. Do I know you?


CojynaAtLarge: Not intimately... unless of course you're.... as cold as ice.


HereComesCreepy: Oh, like the Foreigner Song. You're as cold as ice, ya will learn to sacrifice... blah, blah, blah.


CojynaAtLarge: Um... No... Tha'mayns!


HereComesCreepy: Okay, point blank, who is this?!


CojynaAtLarge: Coco's vagina!


HereComesCreepy: SHUT UP.


CojynaAtLarge: Fer'reeeeeels.
HereComesCreepy: You're like FAMOUS and shit.


CojynaAtLarge: *blushing*


HereComesCreepy: You can blush?


CojynaAtLarge: Ya'd be surprized wat plastiks can do these days. I can blush in 3colers (pink, red and tangerine), tak, reed, rite, swallah my mans hole, chomp at the bit, sheet girl, I can do anythin'.


HereComesCreepy: You must so proud of your pussy.


CojynaAtLarge: Werd!


HereComesCreepy: Cojiiine, I don't mean to be a buzzkill or anything, I'm in the middle of a few things, so, uh, did you want to dish about something specific, or....?!


CojynaAtLarge: I'm bleedin'. it's ma free time--thot Id holla'atchya. You rite aboume all the times.


HereComesCreepy: You get time off to menstruate?


CojynaAtLarge: Yep. Gives us lips time 2 rebond. We nevr get Q2time togethah.


HereComesCreepy: Quality time?


CojynaAtLarge: Yep. Weer always apart. Coke keeps us separate so's weer stand alones.


HereComesCreepy: Well, that's just liperific. Not. Don't you miss being together? Admit it, being split to the degree that Coco divides you is wicked uncomfortable.


CojynaAtLarge: Wul... i gots to rollout. Weel chat again.



She signed off before we could finish dishing. I friend requested her. The next time she pops online, I'll IM her and get the 411 for yas. That Coco's vagina sure is interesting.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Focus, Dishing Hard


See that image? It's the header from this broad's kick ass vinty linens and accessories website. I'm crushing hard right now.



Important writerly dish! If you are in Los Angeles or going to be in Los Angeles on March 9th:



"Sign up for the WGA Industry Support Fund POKER TOURNAMENT!!!! It's March 9th at 2pm and it only costs $200 and the money goes to help non-writers who are in real financial need because of the recent writer's strike. If you have the time and money, it's something you really need to sign up for. Even if you don't have the time or like poker, the money will go to a very good cause and it will be a lot of fun. I swear! Please read all about the details and REGISTER TODAY at WGAPoker.com." From Jay Kogen, the menschiest of mensches.



This is hilar squared. My friend Joy sent me the URL for SundayNightProductions YouTube Videos of actor auditions for products, but from the porny perspective. YOU NEED TO WATCH Bang me like Obama and you need to watch it right FUCKING now. You will scream so hard. This broad is too much. She's perfect and flawless and I love'ha.



I got the mock ups today for the homepage of my website and I am plotz-a-fuckin-rella. I can't wait until it goes live. The minute it does, I'll send yas to the URL.



Do I always say "fuck" as much as I've said it in this post? Just curious...

Saturday, March 01, 2008

What's a Girl to do?!



We're so bullet pointing right now. It's my latest obsession yet again... And, wait, I'm in non-sequitur mode.

  1. I am OCD about looking for themes in my life, both positive and negative. Precipitated by my insatiable desire to unearth the origin of issues and answers to questions.
  2. I'm also a raging pain in my own ass and the ass of others. For such an ass driven bird, you'd think I'd love anal sex, but I don't. Go figure?!
  3. Have you noticed that as we get older, we have more days where we say, "Today was great, but," instead of "Today was great, period"?
  4. I need new bras and I am so not in the mood to go rack shopping.
  5. The hallways in the buildink I'm living in smell like mold. Creepy. Calling the slumlord on Monday to hock a chinek.
  6. I'm ovulating.
  7. Week was good, but...

I'm so dull today. Forgive me. Tomorrow, I'll post something dishylish.

 

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