not a single new journal entry for the week. that bitch!
I hit the archives. I needed a fix.
I found some fabulous gems. this is a family portrait not to be missed. I need to hit my local LWA, lisa welchel anonymous, and inquire about the frequency of meetings.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:44 PM
as you may or may not know, I am not skilled in the art of vibrator ownership. I've never been a savvy vibrator or dildo consumer. it's quite embarrassing. no. really. it's true. I even wrote an essay about it called, born to fuck.
first of all, let me just say, these are not metaphors. they are sad and pathetic truths.
today, the cable man came out to replace my box because my box died a sad and tragic death on sunday. I was so forlorn. I love television. it's my favorite medium.
moving the fucking story along.
I have these two drawers under my television. one is for vibrators. the other is for remote controls.
he plugs the box in and says, you're all set. where is your remote control? like the moron I am, I say, it's in the drawer.
his chubby spanish fingers pull the drawer open. it creaks (I do love vintage chach). my eyes widen. I jump up realizing the drawer that he's opened. he looks inside. our mouth's dropped and our eyes locked for a moment.
he shoved his little mayan hand in my drawer and REMOVED MY VIBRATOR.
I ripped it out of his hand and said, wrong remote control! go. leave. bye.
as I'm pushing him out the door, he says, you have to sign the work order.
I said, yeah. not gonna happen. I've hit my shame quota for the day. just take the work order and shove it up your little ass.
I slammed the door in his face.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:58 PM
this post, and the wind cried beth, by mullet boy (viva las vegas) is the funniest post I have ever read in my life. I laughed so hard, I couldn't breathe. you have to read it. you will scream. I tore ass through veev's archives to find it. read. now. love.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:55 PM
not that anyone bothers to read my inane bullshit, but in the event one or two do, I will be spewing venomously this evening. I've missed my hog-blog. who knew?! it's been a hell of a week for fehatty. for everyone else too.
by the way, honey smack has posted four fabulous must reads, the far side, third best lay, is that it and g-spotting. very insightful, whimsical, painfully honest dish. vocab's got a funny, touching and thought provoking post about racial defiling. midget boy is hockin new dead people t's, but of peeps with a pulse. write-p's un grafitto vero is hilar. scroll down to, I slept through my blogiversary. it's some funny shit, yo. click on over to big mouth and read, reel around the fountain. very funny
go with god
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:44 PM