Thursday, May 31, 2007
girlistic magazine's summer issue is live! run. read. now. this issue covers feminism & marriage. ooh yummy!!! don't forget it's freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. yahooooo-ewww-eww.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I feel guilty posting this actually because it's such a bubs post. really, bubs, you're the one who should be posting this, not me. so, I expect a cross-post. pushy enough?
in flaaahrida, an employee refused to hand over more chili sauce and was shot... with a gun. yeah. ohhhkay. the employee cited company policy was to only hand out two sauces per bowl of chili. let's visualize that conversation, shall we?
wackjob: can I please get a few extra hot sauces?
manager: sorry, no. we're only allowed to give two per bowl of chili.
wackjob: please??? I really need extra hot sauce.
manager: sorry, it's company policy. only two per bowl.
so he takes out a gun and shoots the kid. what the fuck is that about? I'm not advocating shooting someone by any means. it's such a trailereena move. but, if you're going to whack somebody over hot sauce, what kind of a fuckin moron doesn't want to go to the top of the food chain literally?!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
I'm menstruating. isn't that fabulous! menses commenced 48 hours ago. it's shock and awe betwixt my gentle thighs. I'm over the moon. I love menstruating. I could live without the cramps, but... whatrya gonna do?!
did ya's read about the bomb threat at fallie's funeral? in the true spirit of censorship, a liberty-u student was going to take out all of the protesters with a gasoline - detergent bomb. what a clever boy. he was going to give burning flesh that fresh spring scent with tide. I was hoping someone would lynch falwell's corpse and adorn him in a mint green taffeta gown with some paris hilton pink lipstick and a pair of last season jimmy choo's.
I had a lovely white trash read, too, this week, short on truckers, haulers seek couples. the first sentence was just flawless: HELENA, Mont. -- Jim and Eva Sisler. that was all I needed to read to know the score. for you non-american readers, steak-seafood-sizzler, the all you can eat for 8 dollar trailereena buffet is an institution. I've never fucked in a truck cab. I think I'm going to have to give that a whirl. I did fuck an alaskan seafisherman once in his boat...
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Lisa Whelchel Weekly Journal
May 11, 2007
Sabbatical From Writing
“Dear friends, I am taking a sabbatical from writing for awhile. Please read through some of my archived “Coffee Talks” and don’t miss out on the journal entries from the “Family Dream” trip around America. Thanks for understanding and for your prayers during this time of being still and seeking to know Jesus with deeper intimacy.”
this was written before falwell dropped dead (speaking of falwell, top 10 still to come). how much deeper can she go with him? they've been in the closet together rockin' out to her ipod. she has chronic face-to-penis sessions with jesus. how much more intimate is she looking to be with the man?
what does stillness have to do with jesus? do we know? correct me if I'm wrong, but he's a schlepper, a real mover and a shaker. I just don't see him as a still kinda guy.
and, what about us, leewee, huh? cp and I rely on your ongoing guidance. this sabbatical could not have come at a more inopportune time for us. by the way, lees: family dream trip around america really isn't a decent parting gift.
best song every written. listen now. click. ga-head.
I cannot figure out how to use myspace. I am so myspace-tarded. I don't know how to invite friends, not that I know so many myspacers. and, nobody wants to be myspace friend. what the fuck?! come on, people. myspace me already! geez louise. oy vey katie <- that's my-myspace. show me what to do. give me a myspace-tutorial. oh, ps: how do you change backgrounds and shit?
hallelu and praise jesus, jerry falwell has peeled out. the spawn of satan himself is dead as a doornail. dead. dead. dead. he must be sooo bummed that he didn't make it to heaven.
the top 10 reasons to celebrate the passing of jerry falwell will be posted in a few hours. ya'll come back now, ya heah!
ooh, I am so excited, I'm as happy as a liberated gay, black hooker pullin' a train on the new zealand soccer team.
Monday, May 14, 2007
at the minute, I will admit that I am horizontally challenged. it's a shortcoming. it's changing. I will also admit that today while running errands, I flew out in sweats and a sweatshirt. hair was pulled back, but not in a scrunchie. those are just wrong on every level. I wasn't wearing make-up, but I had sunglasses on. anywho, juice and I were driving along minding our own business. we were stopped at a red light when said green card candidate glanced my way in a wanton way, which was quickly replaced with never-fucking-mind.
never-fucking mind?! AM I soooo grotesque that I'm not even worthy of being a green card bride? so what if that isn't on my to do list. that's not the fucking point. the point is that he should've wanted me, if for no other reason than to woo me for american citizenship. the fact that he didn't is just plain mean, so I called him on it because it's that kind of a monday.
katie: excuse me, why did you look at me like I'm the anti-christ?
green card candidate: no habla engles.
katie: don't cross me, child. you know and I know exactly what I'm talking about. one minute you look at me like I could be hot and the next, like I'm trash. what gives?
green card candidate: I married.
katie: I don't see a ring. and, by the way, mister, you can't half-fast flirting. either you commit or you don't. and, you cannot, under any circumstances de-flirt after you've initiated an obvious flirt. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!
he sped away so fast, I could barely see his bright yellow, circa 1970 vw dust
Sunday, May 13, 2007
if you live in fort worth, texas, drag your tuchas out to see amy guth on monday night! she's doing a reading of her book three fallen women. here's the dish:
Monday, May 14th:
Sixth Street Live
2736 W. 6th Street
Fort Worth, TX
by way of our beloved creepy, I found this fabulous video.
ricky gervais is a comic genius. this we all agree. --well-- his interpretation of the bible will make you scream and pee. it is hilar squared and brilliant to the tenth power.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
apparently paris isn't a fan of my people. let's not forget paris's feelings about poor, public school girls, fat people and african americans. you didn't see that video. oh, here ya go.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
the queen of narcissism tops herself with a petition, free paris hilton. her friend joshua wrote it with paris's guidance and input of course. isn't that amazing? she did manage to write the intro to her petition on her myspace page all by herself. no, really. she did. see.
paris hilton myspace:
Monday, May 07, 2007
My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! NLINE PETITION CREATED TO SUPPORT PARIS HILTON To sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to Governor Schwarzenegger that I have created... please go here: htp://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781 I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition.
please note the urgency.
now onto the
To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.
Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax". In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.
As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.
We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.
As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!
Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.
This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.
She is distraught and understandably afraid.
WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.
is there really anything that could top that?
Monday, May 07, 2007
there's a cunt broach in the world and I don't own it. fuck. cunt.cunt.cunt.cunt.cuntity.cunt.cunt.cunt.
non sequitur of the day: cunt brunch. isn't that funny? it just popped into my head. who wants an invite?
My name is autumn. I found your email. I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me.
"I don't shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women's perfume I've ever worn. I need something clean." - Keira Knightley
are you fucking kidding me, skank twat? what is wrong with this broad advertising a musky box in desperate need of a cleaning, even if it is perfume saturated? the shame of it. for the love. ha mothah needs to chat with ha.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
rye rye over at earth observation has just posted the most fuck off fabulous, hilar squared video by eric schwartz called, keep your jesus off my penis. you have GOT TO SEE THIS. it is so smart and funny.
ps: another rye-rye post... christian??? it's a shocker!
and, on a serious note, rye-rye has posted about the afa (american family association), this is superty important. protecting freedom of speech, my ass, more like perpetuating hate crimes against gay, lesbian and transgendered men and women. article & video <- the day they kicked god out of school. seriously. run.watch.read.now.
- earth observation, (colorado, us) if you're a jewey boy or girl from new york, you have got to read this, ah, it will bring a tear to your eye and joy to your heart. for the non-jewey crew, other great eateries.
- wp (san francisco, us) you have got to read wp's food meem. it's lip smackin', tit grabbin' mmm-mmm-mmm-good.
- crionaberry, (los angeles, us) she lives in los angeles, which I know is a big no for this meem, but she's a native and knows all the great foodie lovin' haunts. she'll have sublime dish on the topic.
- amers (chicago, us) is a foodie jew, too. she'll serve up yummalish chicago lacto-ovo and vegan noshies for days.
- sand gets in my eyes, (saudi arabia) ex-pat dame living in saudi (great blog by the way!) I'd be very interested to learn about her favorite noshies and any cultural and customary differences when dining out.
Friday, May 04, 2007
have ya's been following cpunchman's pretend interviews with lulu? this is another series I've been meaning to post about. it's so damn funny, and just, well, good clean amurican fun. you have to read it! run.read.now.
have ya's been following guthy's guthmantics series? you haven't? schmuck. it's fabulous. it's new and it's all about up and coming and established authors and their latest books. you must check it out. you will love it. run.read.now.
fun with fundies fridays is a new series doc has launched on her blog, into the sunrise. it's that perfect blend of terror and humor. fashion trends, a muffin manifesto that is not to be missed, and the face of fundamentalism at the end, and oy, so much more. check it out. run.read.now.
listen up AUSTIN, TX and FORT WORTH, TX, muffins, you're in for a super jewey treat, amy guth is doing a reading of her fabulous book, three fallen women. if you haven't read it, for the love... it is so brilliant, so exquisitely written, do yourself a favor and read it!
Wednesday, May 9th
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I know you're probably shocked to find out that I have shortcomings. well, wait. see I'm not so sure this particular issue is a shortcoming. though recent events have led me to believe that it very well might be. I've flossed three times today and still, I am no clearer. go figure.
I always leave my keys in the car. not in the ignition, dumb ass. in the glove compartment or on the floor under my seat and I never lock it. I learned this from my father. his car has never been boosted. personally, I think it's smart. I never have to look for my keys. I always know where they are. if someone wants in, there's no need to break a window. simply open the door and knock yaself out. what pisses me off is when some schmuck does decide to bust in and doesn't have the god damned courtesy to shut the door. that's just rude. here I went to all this trouble to leave the car open and you don't have the decency to shut it? that's just dicky. I'm almost positive that the reason my car has never been stolen is because of the shock experienced when they find my keys. they probably think the car is rigged. or maybe jesus is just lookin out for his a-number-one-jewgirl.
wait. I'm getting side-tracked. oh, right. ok. unfortunately this habit has crossed over. for a while, I didn't bother locking my front door. another habit I got from pops. it made my family crazy. after the hock fest, I started locking my door. however, in recent weeks, I keep forgetting to lock it. instead of just walking in, my sister insists on screaming from the stoop I'm here. I say, it's open. she walks in and gives me the face, followed by, hello. crazy people. lock-the-fucking-door. anything to exercise guilt in the schwartz family.
soooo.... this afternoon, I was busy doing what I do. louie was in the living room napping and someone WALKED IN. a stranger just strolled his ass right through my front fucking door. no knock. no ring. no buzz. bupkas. louie jumped up and got into dick, what the fuck you doin in my house, mode, and moron that I am was so shocked, I said, I'm not wearing a bra. (note to self, katie, when strange man enters house, that's a selling point, not a deterrent). I snapped out of that real quick and as he was turning to leave, I said, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL CUT YOU. (cut you? as if.) he races out of the house, slams the door and knocks. (fucking knocks. the nerve.) so, I stand at the door and say, don't you think you've behaved inappropriately enough for one day? first you break in and now you knock on my door in the hopes of being invited in? it doesn't work that way. that's not how you place a fucking social call! were you raised by a pack of wolves? (I am so my mother's daughter)... he says, I'm the homeless guy from the alley. I didn't recognize him with his head out of the trash bin and all, so through the peep hole I said, you have to go bye-bye now. go. bye.bye.now.
I felt so bad. he seems pleasant enough in that homelessy kind of way. I always give him cash and pray your way out of homelessness christian pamphlets. not that it's helping of course. I felt so guilty about screaming at him today that I gave him twenty bucks when I was dumping louie's shit in a bin. guilt. it's what's for breakfast. oy-
the lesson of the day, LOCK YOUR FUCKIN DOORS, SCHWARTZY. no more absentmindedness for you, missy.
non sequitur of the day: one of my friends mentioned that while dining at the Y of a new betty he bent last night, that her loins smelled like chef boyardee pizza. he said it was so reminiscent of a childhood memory, he couldn't stop noshing and sniffing. after laughing my ass off, I said, I think that's creepy, but I'll let you know when I'm certain.