Thursday, May 31, 2007

astonishing adventures is live, baby, live

this from chief lewch: "The site is now up and running - please pop over and take a look. The magazine will be released on August 31st, so please sign up for the mailing list to receive your free copy of the Astonishing Adventures! magazine ePulp. The site itself will cover comic, DVD, movie, and genre interviews. We've just posted the first of the content tonight!"

girlistic magazine, summer issue is live!

girlistic magazine's summer issue is live! run. read. now. this issue covers feminism & marriage. ooh yummy!!! don't forget it's freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. yahooooo-ewww-eww.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

wendy's manager shot over chili sauce

I feel guilty posting this actually because it's such a bubs post. really, bubs, you're the one who should be posting this, not me. so, I expect a cross-post. pushy enough?

in flaaahrida, an employee refused to hand over more chili sauce and was shot... with a gun. yeah. ohhhkay. the employee cited company policy was to only hand out two sauces per bowl of chili. let's visualize that conversation, shall we?

wackjob: can I please get a few extra hot sauces?
manager: sorry, no. we're only allowed to give two per bowl of chili.
wackjob: please??? I really need extra hot sauce.
manager: sorry, it's company policy. only two per bowl.

so he takes out a gun and shoots the kid. what the fuck is that about? I'm not advocating shooting someone by any means. it's such a trailereena move. but, if you're going to whack somebody over hot sauce, what kind of a fuckin moron doesn't want to go to the top of the food chain literally?!

Monday, May 28, 2007

pedias unite

look what jewgirl found, bustypedia. I went on a pedia tear this evening and found a gazillion pedias. so far my fave is titpedia.

menspedia. but no peenpedia or penispedia. I want peenapedia. cuntopedia and vadgeopedia

Sunday, May 27, 2007


he's so funny. love him. still, it has to be said. they feel more like twins than husband and wife, right?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

astonishing adventures magazine

shalomers laaahvahs....

any pulp writers amongst us???? did you know that lewchers has started a fan-fuck-off-tastic pulp magazine called astonishing adventures?!?!?! pulp writers run like a dawg and submit. this magazine will be, well, ASTONISHING!

the line up of writers so far is enough to make your vulva lips twitch and your cock hard as a rock.

lewch is deliriously intelligent and a wildly talented writer and editor-in-chief. if you're not a pulp writer, support his magazine. read it and tell everyone you know about it.

ps: be friends with astonishing on myspace.

ppss: don't call him chief. he haaaaaaaaates that. so, call him chief. kidding, lewch, kidding.

jessica simpson's pearls

photo credit: courtesy of our beloved lewchers. (thank you, dahlink. this made my day).

that jessica simpson is so thoughtful. she's dispensing more introspective advice to those in need.

"Hey everyone. I hope you are all doing well! I am getting ready to start MAJOR MOVIE STAR and I am so excited! I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently.

I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." Michelangelo" Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."

These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength.

"Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we've mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this...What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action? Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I've discovered somewhere worth traveling to...In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I'm left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity. There is no discovery."

fyi: I'm about to realllllly get my cunt on right now.

dear jessica,

in order to have discovery, you need to have a brain. this isn't something you have to worry about in this lifetime.


hey kids, guess what!

I'm menstruating. isn't that fabulous! menses commenced 48 hours ago. it's shock and awe betwixt my gentle thighs. I'm over the moon. I love menstruating. I could live without the cramps, but... whatrya gonna do?!

did ya's read about the bomb threat at fallie's funeral? in the true spirit of censorship, a liberty-u student was going to take out all of the protesters with a gasoline - detergent bomb. what a clever boy. he was going to give burning flesh that fresh spring scent with tide. I was hoping someone would lynch falwell's corpse and adorn him in a mint green taffeta gown with some paris hilton pink lipstick and a pair of last season jimmy choo's.

I had a lovely white trash read, too, this week, short on truckers, haulers seek couples. the first sentence was just flawless: HELENA, Mont. -- Jim and Eva Sisler. that was all I needed to read to know the score. for you non-american readers, steak-seafood-sizzler, the all you can eat for 8 dollar trailereena buffet is an institution. I've never fucked in a truck cab. I think I'm going to have to give that a whirl. I did fuck an alaskan seafisherman once in his boat...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I am a wretched beast!

I am a snatch on wheels for falling behind on my blogging. ya's are so sweet leaving such fabulous reminders! thank you. I haven't been able to read my fave blogs either. all of that will be changing this week. I will be posting and reading all your delicious and fagulicious bloggies. can't wait :). pining hard.

omgeers, did you read about falwell's funeral? no worries if you didn't, I'm posting about it. the shame...

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

leewee's back... kind of.

leewee's posted a breath of content in her journal this week.

Lisa Whelchel Weekly Journal
May 11, 2007
Sabbatical From Writing

“Dear friends, I am taking a sabbatical from writing for awhile. Please read through some of my archived “Coffee Talks” and don’t miss out on the journal entries from the “Family Dream” trip around America. Thanks for understanding and for your prayers during this time of being still and seeking to know Jesus with deeper intimacy.”

Blessings, Lisa

this was written before falwell dropped dead (speaking of falwell, top 10 still to come). how much deeper can she go with him? they've been in the closet together rockin' out to her ipod. she has chronic face-to-penis sessions with jesus. how much more intimate is she looking to be with the man?

what does stillness have to do with jesus? do we know? correct me if I'm wrong, but he's a schlepper, a real mover and a shaker. I just don't see him as a still kinda guy.

and, what about us, leewee, huh? cp and I rely on your ongoing guidance. this sabbatical could not have come at a more inopportune time for us. by the way, lees: family dream trip around america really isn't a decent parting gift.

mickey avalon jane fonda

best song every written. listen now. click. ga-head.

wtf myspace?!

I cannot figure out how to use myspace. I am so myspace-tarded. I don't know how to invite friends, not that I know so many myspacers. and, nobody wants to be myspace friend. what the fuck?! come on, people. myspace me already! geez louise. oy vey katie <- that's my-myspace. show me what to do. give me a myspace-tutorial. oh, ps: how do you change backgrounds and shit?

ding dong the dick is dead

hallelu and praise jesus, jerry falwell has peeled out. the spawn of satan himself is dead as a doornail. dead. dead. dead. he must be sooo bummed that he didn't make it to heaven.

the top 10 reasons to celebrate the passing of jerry falwell will be posted in a few hours. ya'll come back now, ya heah!

ooh, I am so excited, I'm as happy as a liberated gay, black hooker pullin' a train on the new zealand soccer team.


Monday, May 14, 2007

green card worthy bride?

evidently... not. and, I'm pretty god damned pissed off about it, too.

at the minute, I will admit that I am horizontally challenged. it's a shortcoming. it's changing. I will also admit that today while running errands, I flew out in sweats and a sweatshirt. hair was pulled back, but not in a scrunchie. those are just wrong on every level. I wasn't wearing make-up, but I had sunglasses on. anywho, juice and I were driving along minding our own business. we were stopped at a red light when said green card candidate glanced my way in a wanton way, which was quickly replaced with never-fucking-mind.

never-fucking mind?! AM I soooo grotesque that I'm not even worthy of being a green card bride? so what if that isn't on my to do list. that's not the fucking point. the point is that he should've wanted me, if for no other reason than to woo me for american citizenship. the fact that he didn't is just plain mean, so I called him on it because it's that kind of a monday.

katie: excuse me, why did you look at me like I'm the anti-christ?

green card candidate: no habla engles.

katie: don't cross me, child. you know and I know exactly what I'm talking about. one minute you look at me like I could be hot and the next, like I'm trash. what gives?

green card candidate: I married.

katie: I don't see a ring. and, by the way, mister, you can't half-fast flirting. either you commit or you don't. and, you cannot, under any circumstances de-flirt after you've initiated an obvious flirt. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!

he sped away so fast, I could barely see his bright yellow, circa 1970 vw dust

Suicidal Cliche

Sunday, May 13, 2007

and, what are your plans monday night?

if you live in fort worth, texas, drag your tuchas out to see amy guth on monday night! she's doing a reading of her book three fallen women. here's the dish:

Monday, May 14th:
Sixth Street Live

7pm sharp!
2736 W. 6th Street
Fort Worth, TX

ricky gervais interprets the bible

by way of our beloved creepy, I found this fabulous video.

ricky gervais is a comic genius. this we all agree. --well-- his interpretation of the bible will make you scream and pee. it is hilar squared and brilliant to the tenth power.

happy mother's day

do not forget to cawl ma, and showah ha in love and chach, capisce?! to all the mamas that read jewgirl have a beautiful mother's day. don't forget to thank haysus for yer lil' blessings, ya hear.


dude, from brooklyn to little rock. oy, who does she think she is...

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I have now heard everything

I am having a severely detached-from-myself day. it has been the most awkward, strange, surreal, bizarre day ever. should I really be shocked that at 6:30 this evening it got even weirder? probably not. but, I am.

the folks who groom my dog are simply lovely. a pair of the most festive queens you'd ever want to meet, in a pink saal-on in weho with a disco ball and paw signed photos of their groomables. (ps) juice did not make the fame wall, but that's ok. we're not into breed cuts. we're puppy-cut-oatmeal-bath purists.

I scheduled a bath and a summer cut for the kid tomorrow @ noon. I got a call this evening at... 6:30. good. you're keeping pace.

R: katie, D walked out today and I think he quit.
ME: oh. really?
R: yeah. he got into a HUGE fight with one of our customers about paris hilton.
ME: w-w-w-what?
R: yeah. the customer said that paris hilton's toenails were dirty and D screamed, "no, they weren't, you dirty lying hag." and he screamed, "I quit" and, poof. he was gone.

at this point, I'm thinking, are you fucking kidding me? an argument about paris hilton's toenails not only took place, but actually cost someone their job?!

my mind is now racing, D must be a drug addict. you judgmental bitch. don't say that. he's lovely. he's so nice. or not. wait. I've allowed a drugged up queen to bathe my son. what if he dropped him and caused all of his knee and back problems? oh my god, I am a horrible mother. I should be locked away for negligence. but, wait, it's such a festive environment. hi, katie, obviously. drugs. who the fuck fights over paris hilton's toenails and practically decks someone over it. better yet, actually gives up a paycheck for it?!

are you mother fucking cock sucking kidding me with this?!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

paris hilton, how do you really feel about jews

apparently paris isn't a fan of my people. let's not forget paris's feelings about poor, public school girls, fat people and african americans. you didn't see that video. oh, here ya go.

according to technorati, these are my top tags, you know, what all the way from oy to vey is about

three fallen women in austin tonight

shalom beautiful babies (swingers, but, you knew that, right?)

don't forget to drag your tuchas's out to see amy guth's reading of three fallen women tonight at bookwoman

Wednesday, May 9th
918 W. 12th St. (12th & Lamar)
Austin, TX

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

free paris hilton

the queen of narcissism tops herself with a petition, free paris hilton. her friend joshua wrote it with paris's guidance and input of course. isn't that amazing? she did manage to write the intro to her petition on her myspace page all by herself. no, really. she did. see.

paris hilton myspace:

Monday, May 07, 2007
My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! NLINE PETITION CREATED TO SUPPORT PARIS HILTON To sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to Governor Schwarzenegger that I have created... please go here: htp:// I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition

please note the urgency.

now onto the debacle petition:

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton.
She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax". In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.

She is distraught and understandably afraid.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

is there really anything that could top that?

saving our vaginas one lip at a time

ladies, enough is enough. it's time for us to reclaim our mysterious lipstyle. we are killing our labia, splitting twins that were meant to work as one. we're not serving mclips with a side of fries. we're dishing up something way more delish (no offense to my beloved queens).

diva espanya sent me some serious lip centric sites (let us pray that even after she gives birth to the fruit, she will continue sending vadgey sites). the camel toe report. famous toe, man toe and severe toe. the site is a .org. ballsy enough?!

vote for my camel toe! the shame... broads actually send in their vadgiest shots in the hopes of winning. winning what you ask? BUPKAS. top fuckin' toe. like that's gift enough?!

and finally, the image... yet another toelink from diva ethpanya. grazie, babe. xoxoxox.

I found this pic at empty bottle. check it out. I'm going to read his site and see if it's something we can roll and love hard. he curses. I didn't see cunt anywhere. but, I could've sworn I saw fuck. read me. we'll see.

no jury duty today. I have to call tomorrow @ 11:30. wp says I should Go the political-nihilist route and you'll get out. that's much easier than having to show my tits in this heat. geez fuckin louise, it is hotter than a hooker's pussy in shlock angeles. I am shvitsing like a whooo-a. I don't have central air, but I do have a, will put hair on your chest, it's so butch, air conditioning unit. at the minee, haglette the hellnine is positioned quite perfectly between said unit and the fan.

forgive the boring post. tonight I'll be funny. no. really, I will. tomorrow maybe?

lip rivals

courtesy of eebie, australian fashion week reveals a big ol' lippy mess. looks like someone's givin' coco's lips a serious run for their money.

Monday, May 07, 2007

cunt broach

there's a cunt broach in the world and I don't own it. fuck. cunt.cunt.cunt.cunt.cuntity.cunt.cunt.cunt.

non sequitur of the day: cunt brunch. isn't that funny? it just popped into my head. who wants an invite?

autumn wants jewgirl

-----Original Message-----

From: autumn []
Sent: Monday, May 07, 2007 12:30 PM
Subject: it`s autumn


My name is autumn. I found your email. I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :( If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me.

this is a fucking spam. autumn doesn't want to fuck me. clit teasing cunt. autumn meet kiera. kiera meet autumn. I'm sure the two of you will be very fucking happy together dining on your spam laden, musked up twatsicles.

minty bitch

"I don't shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky. Coco Mademoiselle is the first women's perfume I've ever worn. I need something clean." - Keira Knightley

are you fucking kidding me, skank twat? what is wrong with this broad advertising a musky box in desperate need of a cleaning, even if it is perfume saturated? the shame of it. for the love. ha mothah needs to chat with ha.

fuck noses

lil fyi... when someone is sneezing their head off and harkin and shmarkin like nobody's business, would it fucking kill you to say, let me call you later, after you've mainlined a few antihistamines? where's the decency? since when is that remotely interesting to listen in on? people suck ass, ahkay.

I am in jewergy hell. I've been sneezing since 5 am. I'm delirious. do you hear me, de-fucking-lerious. I'm ready to chop my nose off and donate it to a phlegm sucking community.

fuck allergies. fuck my nose. ya hear me, fuck you nose! argh. twice in your eyes.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

keep your jesus off my penis!

rye rye over at earth observation has just posted the most fuck off fabulous, hilar squared video by eric schwartz called, keep your jesus off my penis. you have GOT TO SEE THIS. it is so smart and funny.

ps: another rye-rye post... christian??? it's a shocker!

and, on a serious note, rye-rye has posted about the afa (american family association), this is superty important. protecting freedom of speech, my ass, more like perpetuating hate crimes against gay, lesbian and transgendered men and women. article & video <- the day they kicked god out of school. seriously.

food whores unite ((update)))

our favorite almost ready to burst she's so pregnant, diva, tagged me for a food meem. I love food, so this is wayyyy up fehatty's alley. (I still owe creepy, cpunchman and sprawling ramshackle meems, which I will do today. totally looking forward boychicks).

the rules: List your top 5 favorite places to eat and tag 5 other people who live in different cities, states or countries (why isn't countries spelled cuntries?)

1: I am a mexican food whore bag. I love it hard. guacamole makes my vulva lips twitch. el cholo is the closest thing to san francisco mexican food I've had in shlock angeles. mouth watering burritos. to die for beans and veggie fajitas that would make you rise from the dead and fuck a mortician.

2: I also love koohbahn food. versailles is off the hook. their vegetarian platters should be illegal, simple. traditional. yummalish. the most succulent and savory black beans and white rice I've ever had in my life (except for my venezuelan bff's mother's black beans and rice). on occasion, I will treat myself to the plantains because ... every self respecting millennium gal should reach orgasm when she eats.

3: jack-and-jills has a veggie foccacia sandwich that is just wrong on every level. roasted red, green, yellow and orange peppers, goat cheese, avocados, grilled onions and artichoke with balsamic vin. omg.omg.omg.

4: for dessert, sweet lady jane. in los angeles, people don't really eat, especially dessert. this joint is for the serious dessert connoisseur. cupcakes. cupcakes. cupcakes, fruit tarts, cakes, pastries and pies that are so other worldly and so new york, you could spit twice and die. (ps: I am a serious cupcake lover and addict should anyone want to send me cupcakes. well, don't because I'm on the d.l.)

5: I would list thai, indian and chinese, but I broke up with chinese food a few years ago. I know, I know, how very sacrilegious of me. I broke up with thai and indian a few months ago. it's not permanent, we're just taking a break. my fifth favorite is the whole foods deli. a vegetarian can't beat it. salads, side dishes and fresh entrees for days.

6: I'm listing one more, zankou chicken. their hummus and babaganoush is AMAZING.

I'm tagging hardcore foodie bloggers...

  1. earth observation, (colorado, us) if you're a jewey boy or girl from new york, you have got to read this, ah, it will bring a tear to your eye and joy to your heart. for the non-jewey crew, other great eateries.
  2. wp (san francisco, us) you have got to read wp's food meem. it's lip smackin', tit grabbin' mmm-mmm-mmm-good.
  3. crionaberry, (los angeles, us) she lives in los angeles, which I know is a big no for this meem, but she's a native and knows all the great foodie lovin' haunts. she'll have sublime dish on the topic.
  4. amers (chicago, us) is a foodie jew, too. she'll serve up yummalish chicago lacto-ovo and vegan noshies for days.
  5. sand gets in my eyes, (saudi arabia) ex-pat dame living in saudi (great blog by the way!) I'd be very interested to learn about her favorite noshies and any cultural and customary differences when dining out.

Friday, May 04, 2007

cpunchman's pretend interviews

have ya's been following cpunchman's pretend interviews with lulu? this is another series I've been meaning to post about. it's so damn funny, and just, well, good clean amurican fun. you have to read it!

guthmantics... a new series

have ya's been following guthy's guthmantics series? you haven't? schmuck. it's fabulous. it's new and it's all about up and coming and established authors and their latest books. you must check it out. you will love it.

doc's fun with fundies

fun with fundies fridays is a new series doc has launched on her blog, into the sunrise. it's that perfect blend of terror and humor. fashion trends, a muffin manifesto that is not to be missed, and the face of fundamentalism at the end, and oy, so much more. check it out.

deep in the heart of texas.... amy guth

listen up AUSTIN, TX and FORT WORTH, TX, muffins, you're in for a super jewey treat, amy guth is doing a reading of her fabulous book, three fallen women. if you haven't read it, for the love... it is so brilliant, so exquisitely written, do yourself a favor and read it!

Wednesday, May 9th
918 W. 12th St. (12th & Lamar)
Austin, TX

Monday, May 14th
7pm sharp!
2736 W. 6th Street
Fort Worth, TX

Thursday, May 03, 2007

katie's shortcomings

I know you're probably shocked to find out that I have shortcomings. well, wait. see I'm not so sure this particular issue is a shortcoming. though recent events have led me to believe that it very well might be. I've flossed three times today and still, I am no clearer. go figure.

I always leave my keys in the car. not in the ignition, dumb ass. in the glove compartment or on the floor under my seat and I never lock it. I learned this from my father. his car has never been boosted. personally, I think it's smart. I never have to look for my keys. I always know where they are. if someone wants in, there's no need to break a window. simply open the door and knock yaself out. what pisses me off is when some schmuck does decide to bust in and doesn't have the god damned courtesy to shut the door. that's just rude. here I went to all this trouble to leave the car open and you don't have the decency to shut it? that's just dicky. I'm almost positive that the reason my car has never been stolen is because of the shock experienced when they find my keys. they probably think the car is rigged. or maybe jesus is just lookin out for his a-number-one-jewgirl.

wait. I'm getting side-tracked. oh, right. ok. unfortunately this habit has crossed over. for a while, I didn't bother locking my front door. another habit I got from pops. it made my family crazy. after the hock fest, I started locking my door. however, in recent weeks, I keep forgetting to lock it. instead of just walking in, my sister insists on screaming from the stoop I'm here. I say, it's open. she walks in and gives me the face, followed by, hello. crazy people. lock-the-fucking-door. anything to exercise guilt in the schwartz family.

soooo.... this afternoon, I was busy doing what I do. louie was in the living room napping and someone WALKED IN. a stranger just strolled his ass right through my front fucking door. no knock. no ring. no buzz. bupkas. louie jumped up and got into dick, what the fuck you doin in my house, mode, and moron that I am was so shocked, I said, I'm not wearing a bra. (note to self, katie, when strange man enters house, that's a selling point, not a deterrent). I snapped out of that real quick and as he was turning to leave, I said, GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL CUT YOU. (cut you? as if.) he races out of the house, slams the door and knocks. (fucking knocks. the nerve.) so, I stand at the door and say, don't you think you've behaved inappropriately enough for one day? first you break in and now you knock on my door in the hopes of being invited in? it doesn't work that way. that's not how you place a fucking social call! were you raised by a pack of wolves? (I am so my mother's daughter)... he says, I'm the homeless guy from the alley. I didn't recognize him with his head out of the trash bin and all, so through the peep hole I said, you have to go bye-bye now. go.

I felt so bad. he seems pleasant enough in that homelessy kind of way. I always give him cash and pray your way out of homelessness christian pamphlets. not that it's helping of course. I felt so guilty about screaming at him today that I gave him twenty bucks when I was dumping louie's shit in a bin. guilt. it's what's for breakfast. oy-

the lesson of the day, LOCK YOUR FUCKIN DOORS, SCHWARTZY. no more absentmindedness for you, missy.

non sequitur of the day: one of my friends mentioned that while dining at the Y of a new betty he bent last night, that her loins smelled like chef boyardee pizza. he said it was so reminiscent of a childhood memory, he couldn't stop noshing and sniffing. after laughing my ass off, I said, I think that's creepy, but I'll let you know when I'm certain.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

got eternal life?


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