Sunday, January 22, 2006

bush's beaver

So last night, Laura called… Oh my God, I’m so exhausted. We were on the phone for like FOUR HOURS! She was crying and everything. George stopped going down on her when the war started.

The last time this happened was after George got sober. Billy Graham told him he had to stop all deviant behavior, so naturally he stopped going down on her. But after a year, Laura went ape shit and called Barbara. Barb talked to George and explained that he had to go down on her at least once a month and that giving his wife a modicum of sexual satisfaction was not deviant, it was normal. George said that he was afraid if he went down on her, he’d end up going on a bender. Barb told him his father did a shot of Nyquil right before and three shots of extra strong Listerine right afterwards. Laura said George Jr. worships George Sr., so he followed his dad’s oral protocol. Laura hated it, but said he really knew how to eat pussy, so she dealt with it.

Anyway… Just before the war started, Billy and George were spending a lot of time together. Billy spent every weekend at the White House. They were inseparable. One night Laura found them in Jefferson’s bedroom. Billy was cradling George in his arms, rocking him back and forth. He was going on about how George had to lead the fight against all abnormal behavior before the war started, telling him that he was in a position to force Americans to find God and leave all queer behavior behind. Consumed with power and pride, George cried. Laura said her husband’s vulnerability touched her so deeply that it totally turned her on.

She believes in George’s passion for his work, but she’s having a really hard time accepting that he won’t go down on her. I told Laura she had to put her foot down and confront him. I said, “Laura, eating your wife’s pussy is not deviant. You have to tell him.” But she’s just not the confrontational type and finding the words to say it is even more difficult. She’s super simple, but super sweet. She feels her role in their marriage is to make everything nice and pretty. I thought that was such an antiquated perspective. She got all defensive with me and screamed, ranting that I was taking an annoyingly liberal position on the whole thing. Can you believe that? I wasn’t having it, so I said, “Laura, you’re being really judgmental right now and it’s not okay. You call me at 2 AM and ask me for advice on getting your husband to eat your pussy and then scream at me when I say something you don’t want to hear?!” She apologized, but it was so disingenuous.

Anyway, by 4 AM, I was so over it. We were going in circles. She kept fighting me on talking to George. She said if he wasn’t all stressed out about his decline in the polls and total disenchantment with Americans protesting everything he did, she’d consider getting over herself – Whatever. Three hours into our conversation, she did admit that she made one attempt to address it with him. She slinked into the oval office in a short lacy nightgown one night, but wimped out because George, Rumsfeld and Cheney were in military uniforms with camouflage on their faces practicing evolutions and she didn’t want to interrupt their work.

I said, “Laura, do you think its possible George has bisexual tendencies and that’s why he doesn’t want to go down on you?” She was so mad; she called me anti-American and said, “Katie, the relationships my husband has with men are intimate, not gay.” I so wanted to tell her to get over herself, but I just didn’t have the heart, you know? I told her she should take a lover and she said adultery was a sin. In the next breath, in that polite Stepford way she said, “Would you look at the time? Its 6 AM, I better get going, Condi and I are going to Camp David this weekend for a good Old Fashioned slumber party.”

best line I've heard awwwwl day

"I'm Pam Anderson, but Mensa"

lifetime: television for women

You ever notice that in every lifer semicolon flick there's always a shimmy tomboy named, Jesse?! She's from the school of hard knocks. She's rough with a soft, predictible interior.


How annoying!


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