Katie Schwartz

Where was Bubbsie today?! Evidently, I'm a bullettard, so today when I heard six loud booms, I was surprised. I said to myself, "No, those weren't bullets. No way. It's 3:04 in the afternoon." Pause. Check body for holes. "Were those bullets? Should I call the police? What would I say to 911, I think I heard bullets, but I'm too much of a fucktard to know for sure and I'd hate to put you out." Not two minutes later, three motorcops rolled on through and were aksin' all kinds a Q's. Within 10 minutes, the street was blocked off and the streets were swarming with detectives, CSIs, uniforms, the whole she-bang. Here's the scoop.... Two guys in a mercedes wearing ski masks drove by and shot two machine guns into the air. They were aiming for the building next to mine and the building across the street. Okay, whatever happened to drive-by etiquette? Don't these things happen before dawn or late at night? The schmuck who planned this a...

New Year's Eve isn't always something to be celebrated. Before you beat me with a stick and put a hex on me, so that in my next life, I come back as an ambisextrous-leprechaun-midget with ferocious gas and a lazy eye, let me explain. Thanks. The natural order of January 31st is to end one year and move into a new year. It's a death/birth thing. As the clock strikes midnight, it doesn't change the events you've been through or will go through. Whatever hurts your insides, is still going to hurt, it might even hurt worse for whatever reason. Pending mishagos, uncertainty, sadness, none of those things wash away at the stroke of midnight. All of that being said, what I cherish the most about the death/birth aspect of a new year is the concept of hope, gratitude and the opportunity to implement change. I think if you've had a shitfuck year, celebrating the fact that you're still standing, to bring in the new year is a positive thing. Or maybe for some, there is ...