Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Drive by Shooting at Schwartzys

Where was Bubbsie today?! Evidently, I'm a bullettard, so today when I heard six loud booms, I was surprised. I said to myself, "No, those weren't bullets. No way. It's 3:04 in the afternoon." Pause. Check body for holes. "Were those bullets? Should I call the police? What would I say to 911, I think I heard bullets, but I'm too much of a fucktard to know for sure and I'd hate to put you out."

Not two minutes later, three motorcops rolled on through and were aksin' all kinds a Q's. Within 10 minutes, the street was blocked off and the streets were swarming with detectives, CSIs, uniforms, the whole she-bang.

Here's the scoop.... Two guys in a mercedes wearing ski masks drove by and shot two machine guns into the air. They were aiming for the building next to mine and the building across the street.

Okay, whatever happened to drive-by etiquette? Don't these things happen before dawn or late at night? The schmuck who planned this attack surpasses fucktard. News... One of them took his ski mask off and threw it out the window, leaving it for evidence. DUH. Here's a thought, how about attending a drive-by shooting school. Obviously gang bangers aren't planning things the way the should be. Focus, people! If you're going to do a drive-by shooting don't spray your business all over my building. What message does that send, huh? Exactly!

New Year's Nosh

New Year's Eve isn't always something to be celebrated. Before you beat me with a stick and put a hex on me, so that in my next life, I come back as an ambisextrous-leprechaun-midget with ferocious gas and a lazy eye, let me explain. Thanks.

The natural order of January 31st is to end one year and move into a new year. It's a death/birth thing. As the clock strikes midnight, it doesn't change the events you've been through or will go through. Whatever hurts your insides, is still going to hurt, it might even hurt worse for whatever reason. Pending mishagos, uncertainty, sadness, none of those things wash away at the stroke of midnight.

All of that being said, what I cherish the most about the death/birth aspect of a new year is the concept of hope, gratitude and the opportunity to implement change. I think if you've had a shitfuck year, celebrating the fact that you're still standing, to bring in the new year is a positive thing. Or maybe for some, there is a need to mourn what was lost and just feel bluer than a blue whale.

I've noticed that there seems to be a giant misconception, that if you don't celebrate harder than Aerosmith back in the 70s and wake up on New Year's Day with an action plan, than your previous year will inform your new year. This is not so. I think sometimes easing your way into a new year and perhaps taking an extra minute to let go of the previous year can be the natural order of things, too.

Now, if you still want to hex me, hex away. WAIT. Before you do...

However you brought in your New Year, I hope that it was special to you and I hope that 08' brings ya's good health, peace, happiness, prosperity and objectivity. Not only do you deserve these things and so much more, these are good qualities that make us happier, better people. Yes? Yes.

I read some posts on New Year's Eve that I absolutely loved and wanted to share. WP wrote a post about the modern world vs. vintage advertising that is hilar squared. Diva Dcup spun a fabulously feminist yarn called "June Cleaver Doesn't Live here Anymore!" Fran I am wrote a very heartfelt post that took my wig off, about her personal views on abortion and how that doesn't factor into her politics. Schwartzy over at Hell's Daily News wrote a scathingly brilliant piece about Huckfuck that you must read! PS: Huckabee is so vomitatious.

You know what, let's just call this post non-sequitur New Year's, shall we?


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