Katie Schwartz

The non-sequitur post from hell. The emails I’ve received for the wrong KatieGirl@gmail.com are worth reporting: UPDATE: Received today 11/14 “I can’t poo any longer i thought my butt was stronger! but I need your help to tacke this deamen out! Juust stick your hand up there and move it everywhere until u u puulll it. Ouuuuttttt ooooo ya ya yaaaa!!!!!!!!!” I bought software from StreamingFlix.com under the name Katherine. For the record, it’s Katie Louie Schwartz, mothah fuckah . Ga'head, read the rest ...

This week had a theme, a pretty straightforward one too: "Katie, Wilma Fingerdo", laced with syphilis, oozing herpes sores, attached to a gnome wearing a trollee-esq mask when you least expect it, EVERY FUCKING DAY?! I met with optadaddy on Monday to discuss my lady balls. While I appreciate his enthusiasm for Graves' ophthalmology because really, if a doctor has a raging hard on for something that's ailing you, s/he's the DR you want. Right? Right. I'm in the chair. Between us is the peeper machine that scopes your balls. While he's fondling mine with said machine, he's going on and on and on about his latest study with rabbits and rats and their peepers popping. Again, I appreciate his enthusiasm, but do I really need the deets? I said, "My sister had a rabbit named Clovis", thinking this would ignite the, oh-I've-said-too-much-gene, and make him stop. On the contrary, he didn't. After the fondlefest, I said, "Ya know, DRB, I r...

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My good friend, Lewchieloo of Democracy Hypocrisy made this fabulous Palinazi politoon for The Vey. Thank you, dollface. Loooove it . New vegan discovery of the week that even meataterians and vegetarians would dig, roasted tomato and red pepper soup. Ta-fuckin-die-for delish and thick. If you have a sensitivo stomach and get acid reflux easily, you'll need a ruhlaahds (rolaids) back. I'm just sayin' . I was just thinking.... Diva Jood , Helen Wheels and Hilly live in my neck of the woods ish and I think we should start a monthly or six-weekerly coffee sesh. @ AlizaSherman from Twitter, a fabgal, posted a tweet this week about the Women Respond to Palin website. Check it out, yo. They're having a live webathon on October 30th. Women will be performing their letters to Palinoscopy. Some of us should get involved. You disagree? Pcunt hardly represents the best of the vadge community. Unless, of course, you're a woman who hates women, then I suppose Palin would be...

Today, I was humilareena and her friends, Shame, Oh The Shame, and You Shameful Snatch. Seriously. What happened today is so embarrassing I wasn't going to blog it until my sister said, "How can this shamevent be off limits when you so freely blog about menses." The girl has a point. I scheduled an appt with the cable man today because I needed him to switch out my boxes (that is not an innuendo, schmucks). My DVR was tiling and squeezing up when I'd change the channels. It also incessantly froze and garbled. Being a lazy bitch who doesn't really give a shit, I wasn't bothered.... for six-months. At 10 AM, cabletard enters the premises on time (shock of shocks). He's pleasant enough and clean-cut. Having had cable / Internet issues to the degree that I have had with AT&T, I wanted him to stay and make sure that my Internet connection didn't go down and that I knew how to work the new DVR box. Being a busy boy, he got a little snippy. I needed to sh...

I was having a conversation with a very dear friend today and one of the things we discussed, I'm paraphrasing, was the concept that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences . I've always been conflicted about those two ideas. Often, I wonder, If I am in charge of my own destiny, why would I choose to derail myself with Graves' disease? Then I back flip and ask myself, If I'm not in charge of my destiny, why was this placed in my life? After yet another back flip, I ask, How can I control IT instead of IT controlling me? As you can see, I still haven't answered my own damn questions and remain conflicted. In my opinion, I don't believe we create illness. I don't think we ask for illness to overtake our bodies and shift the course of our lives. I don't think illness serves a greater good. Just as I don't think there's an upside to death. Losing someone you love is horrific, full stop. Admittedly, I am the worst at facing...

I'm so furious right now, I could scream. Before I do. Let me direct your attention to a beautiful new post on DearThyroid . Please click over and read this lovely dame's yarn and celebrate another cancer free anniversary (YAY). I'm so proud of her for sharing her story, I know it wasn't easy. One last thing, breathe. I feel so guilty venting and ranting when there are much bigger issues in the world, and with people I care about. I realize stating this doesn't absolve me of my guilt. I wanted to acknowledge how frivolous this rant is going to be. You know it and I know it. Still. It's something I need to get off my chest, which is already grand enough (DDD). There is someone in my life who urks me. No, that's a lie. He makes me crazy. No. That's not it either. He's more pleasant than a pap smear. Not as invasive as a colonoscopy. Definitely as irritating as an untreated yeast infection. I have to deal with him. There are some people in your life, yo...

My favorite line is "I'll try to find ya some, and bring em' to ya". Wait, she was being facetious when she said she stands for democracy AND freedom, right? I mean, right?! Loved her response to the passport Q, "The way I have understood the world is through education." Her stupidity is surreal. "Putin, where's his head?" with a hand wave. Fab. PS: Only three more days to vote for Frannygirl's cuntalicious essay ! Leave your vote in comments , please. Grazarella. Loving...

Shalom loverboys and lovergirls... So far TravelingManRick's essay McMunt's Idea of Health Care Reform has logged 5 votes! Today is the last day to vote, so click on over here and vote, vote, vote . Every vote counts, children. Other spillable dish, I percolated a fine Ethiopian blend this morning that I'm happily sipping with non-dairy creamer. Yeah, I like a caramel cup'a Joe. I miss sugar hard . The fake shit'll kill yas. The organic shit makes me neesh. Ohjjjvell. I'm PMS'ng. I have more errands to run today than a crack whore raising cash for a fix. I should clean today, really I should. I can't be bothered. I have too much to do and it's already 9:30. I've been up since the crack'a my ass. I've been reading all kinds of dish on my lefty lovin blogs (check my blog roll), as well as discovering some fine new reads slamming the snatcherella and loving every fucking word . I am off to brush/floss and shower. I love flossing... my tee...

Golly gee willackers, my day started with a glorious stretch and some yoga at home, followed by teeth brushing, flossing, some face washing and ear cleaning (I'm an OCDer to the core with floss and a few Q-tips). I was ready to embrace the day and opened my laptop. A few hours later, I made myself a generous helping of oatmeal served with a side of... Ohhhkkkay, surrealeena ?! While noshing on my meal-of-oats , helicopters circled several buildings bellowing from megaphones Come out with your hands up. I repeat, come out with your hands up and drop your weapon . So, what did my schmucky neighbors do? Run out of their houses and scurry down the street. Great way to get whacked. News?! I have a friend who is temporarily vegan and gluten free at the minee, too. We commiserate about how torturous it is for us , often. There are so few foods we enjoy. I understand a lot of people love being vegan and gluten free, I think that's fabulous. I'm over the moon for them. I'm j...

Officially, I am grossly behind on my e-mails, grossly , like it's embarrassing how behind I am in e-stalking people back. My sincere apologies. The past four days have been a cluster fuck wrapped in a riddle, served on burnt toast with rotting oysters and penicillin drenched cheese. The Way We Were, saltines and Ginger Ale, my combo cure-all for stress, is doing fuck all. I have stressrhea, stomach pains that would make Satan climax, nausea to the point of making bulimics everywhere green with envy. Oh, wait, and I'm ovulating. If I were fucking, even myself, I'd be worried about getting knocked up. I'm too stressed out to take 5 minutes and spin a get-myself-off yarn. The shame. It's time to back the fuck off and re-evaluate my life. Before I do... I'm supposed to participate in a sleep study because of my freakish, incessant nightmares. My shrinktail hooked me up with a Sleep Daddy Doctor of Doom. Whatever. I called their office today to inquire about the pro...

Have you seen the infomercial for Get Listen Up ? I thought the idea of a product that turns "Ordinary hearing into Extroidinary hearing" was too camp for words. In the mersh, a hospitable narrator takes you through all kinds of folks using it in church, hunting, watching television, listening to your spawn on the playground, all doable, right? Right. I was sold, too. Until.... my friendly narrator lady said "Listen to what your neighbors are saying about you." Okay, creeparella, how very big brother. Watch the mersh . Doreen sent me a kick ass, smart ass article this week in the NY Times called, " Skin Deep - Hey, Mom, the Rabbi Approved my Tattoo ". Speaking of Diva Doreen, I finished her flawless, brilliant book Queen of the Road (it's tits to the tenth, children) and she's graciously allowed me to interview her. I'll be posting that this week and you will love every word. Frannylish sent me, in her words an "oy gevalt" article ...