Thursday, April 16, 2009

ONE FOR THE SHAME BUFFET, PLEASE


As we've discussed a blog is one part confessional, right? Right.

Today, I was reminded of the ultimate shamevent, I was with my ma and we were at the Farmer's Market buying produce, minding our own business when I happened upon my ex.

He didn't see me -- I saw him -- which was MORE than enough to make me run -- like a virgin towards the starting quarterback. I flew through the market. My ma, is, of course, fast on her feet and didn't need me to explain anything, she just followed. PS: That's love.

So terrified he would see me, I made my way into the back of the market and dove into a dumpster. Yes, I know that's disgusting. Whatevs, a girl does what a girl has to do.

A few minutes later, I could hear my mother laughing her ass off while leaning against the dumpster, so I peeked my head out of the top. Through tears, she said to me, "What the fuck is wrong with you, child?" I whispered, "I saw my ex, he was buying avocados. Remember he used to call them avo's? I hated that."

She looks to her left, sees him, whispers, "Duck", and slams the cover of the dumpster shut. She hid behind the dumpster.

Do you believe the shame?

Ten minutes later, she came out from behind the dumpster and made sure all was clear before helping me out of the can.

Oy vey, the lengths I will go to, to avoid this ex... don't ask.

HEY, CHUBBARELLA


Nice ad, huh? Circa 19-we-call-fat-laaaydies-chubbies. Of course we've "evolved" past this. Presently, we just quickly look away from said chubbette for fear of catching fat, which makes perfect sense, it was in the NY Times.

If you've been following my tweets, you know that I am completely OCD about my kitchen window neighbor's shower habits. They shower 4-5 times a day. I keep wondering; if there are only two of them, what could they possibly be doing that requires such excessive showering. Are they rolling in mud? Peeing on themselves? Working out 24/7? Smoking meat? Then I wonder, wait, maybe people have increased their daily showering, maybe that's the norm, maybe it's the thing to do, and I'm just a skanky dirty whore for showering once a day.

I'm in a weird mood.
I have insomnia.

Oh, before I forget, thank you sooo much for the birthday wishes. My birthday was February 7th. Like the latetard that I am, I didn't get around to posting my GIFTIES until, oh the shame of it, April 5th. Do you believe?! I know, I'm such a cuntarell. Oy, forgive me gift givers.

On the 16th, which I believe is now, a certain someone from a certain Compound is coming to Los Angeles with his fangorialicious daughter, I can't wait to see them. We met at the Pilcrow Lit Fest last year in Chicago.

I'm trying to get my sister to consider doing an authentic expression for Three Dames With A Clue .

Does anyone know of any jewelry makers in the Los Angeles, Hollywood area looking for a venue to sell their jewels? I can't find anyone.

STUPIDITY ROCKS

What kind of a schmuck do you have to be to dive into a polar bear enclosure at a zoo? How completely fucktardian are you?! I'm just grateful the PB's weren't injured.






Polar bear mauls woman at zoo, wouldn't you if some asshole came into your house?

 

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