Thursday, January 24, 2008

NEW BUSH COINS, Change For The Better

This is so fucking brilliant and hilar squared! You must watch it now. Nothing like a little Bush bashing to make a liberal's vulva start twitching gleefully in the am.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Split Knish with Ketchup?

So, yeah, I'm menstruating. I started yesterday. I had quite the mood swing molly pms experience this month. Cramps are doable. As for my down there's gush factor, well, let's just say that it's best if I keep me legs closed for a few days. On a thrilling note, I am menstruating with two women I love. This makes me very happy. I don't know why that is. Oh, wait, yes I do. It makes me feel even more connected to them.

Did we all read about Wisconsin Right to Life's love letter sent to 40,000 people in Racine, Wisconsin, containing a plastic fetus? Dave and Bonnie Obernberger, with the Racine County chapter of Wisconsin Right to Life, are the people behind the mailing. "They said the plastic figure represents an 11- or 12-week fetus. They sent it out this week to mark the 35-year anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade, the Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion."

Dave Obernberger said, "I pray that they'll look at it a little more than being offended by it, but being educated by it" I hate this shit so much because it's not about education, not even close. It's about instilling fear by shock and that just pisses me the fuck off.

God save us from Huckabee. Huckabee: Amend Constitution to be in 'God's standards'. The only redeeming quality Huckabee has is that he doesn't hide his religious agenda for running our government. "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Thanks to The Huck, we also now know that bestiality and homosexuality are one and the same. Oh, he's so tolerant that Huckabee. He makes me vomit. He offends me to the core of my being.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Seven Things you Don't Know About Me

Bethy, our favorite blogger, the dame who color coordinates her reading glasses with her outfits (I fuckin' love that so hard), tagged me for the seven things you don't know about me, meemish. Have you read her seven? FANTASTIC. Please read it. You'll love it. Run. Read. Now. In honor of Bethy, I'm doing this while listening to "Midnight Train to Georgia".

This is a stretch because there are so many things you know about me and will know about me this spring WHEN you read my book. Hey, a girl has to stay positive! Jumping to conclusions is also my favorite past time and sport of choice. So, ya know...

1. While it's true that I am queen of the cocksuckers, I have a wicked gag reflex. Not when noshing on cocsicles. No, mine is attributed to scent and food (look/texture/scent). If someone is bathed in cheap perfume, I will start gagging and potentially vomit. Overwhelmingly aromatic Thai foods, anything with eyeballs, fish, and peanut sauce (makes my teeth itch), will send me into the bathroom.

2. I never masturbate on Wednesdays. I'll fuck on a Wednesday and cum, but I will never touch myself on a Wednesday. On Tuesday's there's a masturbation window (7AM-10AM only). I have no idea why.

3. I am most comfortable writing about my most intimate thoughts and feelings, even though it's really fucking hard. I love the challenge it presents. However, when it comes to discussing my intimate thoughts and feelings with a lover or a friend, sometimes it's too difficult (working on it), so I'll break out third person Katie, to get my point across.

4. I love being alone. My independence means everything to me. I do not believe these things have to be sacrificed in order to be in a successful and happy relationship. There's a huge difference between compromise and sacrifice. The grand misconception is that there isn't.

5. I love, love, love really loud, overly dramatic farts. The shtunk I can live without, but I love the sound.

6. I have wicked, and I mean wicked stage fright. I vomit and panic every time I have to get on a stage and speak in front of people. I force myself to do it and when I'm up there it's great. I go into a completely different place. I don't remember what happened when I was up there, but I have never regretted a single performance or reading. The before part gives me shpilkas like you don't know and I have performed in front of 10,000 people. Is that a riot?

7. I am as shy and withdrawn as I am loud and outspoken. I can be a wallflower and go completely unnoticed or be the center of attention. I am as confrontational as much as I fear confrontation. I'm as aggressive and pushy as much as I willingly stand back, to listen and learn. I am as impetuous and impatient as I am patient and process oriented.

I am tagging anyone who wants to do this. It's kind of an interesting thing to do. I've done it before. Each time I do it, I share a little bit more. I encourage yas all to do it. Please!

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Many Vaginas of Coco

Coco's vagina for the blind.

Menstrual lips: when the twins get a reprieve for a job well done.

These lips were made for talking.

Fuck you, Revlon. I told you my lips were famous.

Coco's PETA lips.


My bloggyJewpal, Adylish scent me a fabulous, fuck-off link called Smell Me And. It's the perfect spokesvadge gig for the Cocster. In Vulva's own words: "Vulva original is not a perfume. It's a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your smelling pleasure."

When Coco's cooch runs out of steam from being split to death, thank God she has Vulva to turn to. Such a shondj she isn't working for them.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Lewchie's Meme of Regrets

Editor JDC of Astonishing Adventures Magazine has meemed me. WAIT. You've purchased the second copy of AAM, yes? You haven't?! Go, right now and get yourself a copy. It's SIGNED. Buy a copy and come back.

Lewch created a personal meme called "5 Things you regret and 5 things you don't." You have to read his. It's so honest. Oy, that boy just doesn't hold back. I'm hoping he moves into some non-fiction action.

Anywho. He tagged Writer Procrastinator, Madam Z, Ms. Guth, Dale and Jewgirl. Here's the dish: "You’ve just learned that tomorrow you will die at sunrise. Tell me the five things you regret and the five things you don’t regret."

I actually try very hard not to have regrets. One of my favorite singers Beth Orton wrote this beautiful song called the Sweestest Decline. One of the lyrics is something that I repeat often and try to live by, "What are regrets? They're just lessons we haven't learned yet."

Katie, enough wit the fuckin' exposition. Geez Louise move it along. Ahhhhkay, gaaaaaahd.

5 Things I Regret

  1. I regret my inability to cope with death and how final it is.
  2. I regret that I didn't speak up at certain times, instead allowing my fear of the consequences to dictate my actions.
  3. I regret that a high percentage of my decisions are rooted in guilt.
  4. I regret that I didn't go all the way with this burly, bearded guy I met in Lake Tahoe when I was a freshman in college.
  5. I regret that my dog died more than you will ever know.

5 Things I don't Regret

  1. That I had 10 uninterupted, beautiful, perfect years with The Kid and that he had such a profound impact on my life. That I was there when he took his first breath and there when he took his last.
  2. That I have driven across country over a dozen times. That I have lived in a half dozen states. That I have lived abroad.
  3. That I am my mother's daughter and my sister's sister.
  4. That I tell the people I love, that I love them, every single time I speak to them, even if it's 50 times a day.
  5. That my closest and bestest friends love me and let me love them back.

I am tagging the below people because I really want to know what, if any regrets they have, what those regrets are and what they don't regret and why. As Lewch said, be honest!

My Fake Baby

"The following three videos describe the very real phenomenon of women and couples buying fake babies called 'Re-Borns.' These 'Re-Born' dolls are oftentimes taken as emotional and physical substitutes for actual infants. This trend has been documented in Britain as well as the U.S. This is their story. Living Dolls : Explore the extraordinary lives of women who buy hand-crafted life-like dolls called 'Re-Borns'. Treated as real infants and costing hundreds of dollars these 'human' babies cry, squirm and are the objects of intense affection by their 'mothers'. Loved like real babies, they're taken for walks, bathed and even have their diapers changed."

glumbert - My Fake Baby

The fuck is wrong wit people, huh?! You have to watch the entire video. If you love me, if I mean anything to you at all, you will. However, for those with a weak stomach, please visit this off the hook creepy ass website called... Re-Borns.

This is such a Bubs post, isn't it?! Bubs, you should cross post.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Coco's Vagina Declared State of Emergency

Coco's vagina has consumed FEMA. Southern States pummeled by floods and avalanches are unable to provide assistance to residents. It's mayhem and madness. Residents were hoping that FEMA would get a reprieve from Coco's vagina. However, it's rumored that FEMA is trapped behind the Red Cross, Bush's dignity, and hundreds of North Korean nuclear missiles.

Governor Jim Gibbons-R of Nevada said, "This is no time for one of those liberal vaginapaloozas. Our citizens are in dire need of assistance. They're literally drowning. Six hours ago, we sent dozens of choppers and marines into Coco's vagina, hoping to liberate FEMA. We lost contact about an hour ago. But, we haven't given up. We're staying the course."

In a news conference that aired on ABC this morning, Bill Ritter-D of Colorado said, "Coco's vagina has already claimed too many countries, cities and lives. We will no longer be a hostage to Coco's vagina."

He believes Roswell and the movie Close Encounters weren't just works of creativity. Rather, he thinks the writers behind those stories narrowly escaped Coco's massive vagina, and based their stories on that very experience.

This is Katie Schwartz reporting to you live from the safety of her apartment. Wishing FEMA and all of those trapped inside Coco's vagina, Godspeed and a safe return.

Images courtesy of the great TeenyWeeny (thanks, baby).

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Pilcrow Literary Festival Chicago

Major dish beautiful babies. Amy Guth is launching Chicago's first Literary Festival and it's called... Drum roll, please... Pilcrow. Is that tits or what? Oh, yeah it is!

If you're in Chicago from May 22nd-May 25th, come on ovah.

Check out Amy's post about the festival and how it came to be: IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY. Visit the Pilcrow website, to stay abreast of attendees, sponsors and events. Subscribe to Pilcrow's RSS feeds, too. Speaking of sponsors... Which one a'youse has chach and such, to donate? Come on, spill it.

Guess what?! Ready? I'm on the attendee list. I'm fuckin' plotzing. My first scheduled reading is at Guthy's The Fixx Reading Series on May 22nd with diva Jami Attenberg. We love'ha work. She's got moxie. All of this fabulousness is hosted by the delish dame Amy.

You must come! This event is going to be flawless squared. You know it and I know it.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Drive by Shooting at Schwartzys

Where was Bubbsie today?! Evidently, I'm a bullettard, so today when I heard six loud booms, I was surprised. I said to myself, "No, those weren't bullets. No way. It's 3:04 in the afternoon." Pause. Check body for holes. "Were those bullets? Should I call the police? What would I say to 911, I think I heard bullets, but I'm too much of a fucktard to know for sure and I'd hate to put you out."

Not two minutes later, three motorcops rolled on through and were aksin' all kinds a Q's. Within 10 minutes, the street was blocked off and the streets were swarming with detectives, CSIs, uniforms, the whole she-bang.

Here's the scoop.... Two guys in a mercedes wearing ski masks drove by and shot two machine guns into the air. They were aiming for the building next to mine and the building across the street.

Okay, whatever happened to drive-by etiquette? Don't these things happen before dawn or late at night? The schmuck who planned this attack surpasses fucktard. News... One of them took his ski mask off and threw it out the window, leaving it for evidence. DUH. Here's a thought, how about attending a drive-by shooting school. Obviously gang bangers aren't planning things the way the should be. Focus, people! If you're going to do a drive-by shooting don't spray your business all over my building. What message does that send, huh? Exactly!

New Year's Nosh

New Year's Eve isn't always something to be celebrated. Before you beat me with a stick and put a hex on me, so that in my next life, I come back as an ambisextrous-leprechaun-midget with ferocious gas and a lazy eye, let me explain. Thanks.

The natural order of January 31st is to end one year and move into a new year. It's a death/birth thing. As the clock strikes midnight, it doesn't change the events you've been through or will go through. Whatever hurts your insides, is still going to hurt, it might even hurt worse for whatever reason. Pending mishagos, uncertainty, sadness, none of those things wash away at the stroke of midnight.

All of that being said, what I cherish the most about the death/birth aspect of a new year is the concept of hope, gratitude and the opportunity to implement change. I think if you've had a shitfuck year, celebrating the fact that you're still standing, to bring in the new year is a positive thing. Or maybe for some, there is a need to mourn what was lost and just feel bluer than a blue whale.

I've noticed that there seems to be a giant misconception, that if you don't celebrate harder than Aerosmith back in the 70s and wake up on New Year's Day with an action plan, than your previous year will inform your new year. This is not so. I think sometimes easing your way into a new year and perhaps taking an extra minute to let go of the previous year can be the natural order of things, too.

Now, if you still want to hex me, hex away. WAIT. Before you do...

However you brought in your New Year, I hope that it was special to you and I hope that 08' brings ya's good health, peace, happiness, prosperity and objectivity. Not only do you deserve these things and so much more, these are good qualities that make us happier, better people. Yes? Yes.

I read some posts on New Year's Eve that I absolutely loved and wanted to share. WP wrote a post about the modern world vs. vintage advertising that is hilar squared. Diva Dcup spun a fabulously feminist yarn called "June Cleaver Doesn't Live here Anymore!" Fran I am wrote a very heartfelt post that took my wig off, about her personal views on abortion and how that doesn't factor into her politics. Schwartzy over at Hell's Daily News wrote a scathingly brilliant piece about Huckfuck that you must read! PS: Huckabee is so vomitatious.

You know what, let's just call this post non-sequitur New Year's, shall we?


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