One month ago, I sent the DMV my registration renewal with a check for $216., the amount on the notice. The check cleared about two-weeks ago. However, I never received my tags. Curious, no?! Last week, I called to inquire about my tags. I was hung up on twice. The Third person I spoke to had no idea who I was because she couldn't get the spelling of my name right. After 30-minutes of "kratie hortz, cattie scortz, radie shorts, katie schwats, hatie mortz, katie scorts and matie wartz", I was beyond done, I hung up on her (sorry).
Friday, still tag-free, I had no choice but to call. Fortunately, I got a really nice man on the phone. He was so helpful, I appreciated that a lot.
DMV Man: Name?
Katie: Katie Schwartz
(He got the spelling right on the first try. Sweet.)
DMV Man: You recently sent in your car registration.
Katie: Yes, I did and the check cleared.
DMV Man: I see that. We did cash the check.
(Not only were we communicating, we were on the same page, so far so good.)
Katie: Why haven't you sent me my tags?
DMV Man: Because you paid too much. The registration fee was only $86.
Katie: I see, but the renewal notice said the amount was for $216.
DMV Man: Yeah, that was a typo.
Katie: Okay, so why didn't you send me a check for the difference and my tags?
DMV Man: We didn't know what to do, so we did nothing.
Katie: (Laughing) You're kidding, rrrright?
(Schmuck, wake up, they did nothing. He was right.)
DMV Man: No. I'm not.
Katie: I see. We need a plan of action so that I can get my tags asssap.
DMV Man: And the refund? Katie: Well, I'd love the refund, but right now, I really, really, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally need those tags.
DMV Man: I can process the refund and expedite your tags right now, so you receive them in 5-days, will that work?
(I was so fuckin' irritated because there was no logic behind the DMV's decision to do nothing that I wanted to shoot myself in the head. But, he was so nice and he was trying so hard. Plus, he was being very honest.)
Katie: That would be great. Let's do that.
DMV Man: Okay, will do. Bye.
Katie: WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. Don't hang up, not yet. Let's process the refund together and make sure that my tags are coming. Can we do that, please? Pretty please?
(I'm pretty sure at this point he thought I was just a lonely freak of nature. I was fine with that assumption, I would've douched the man and sucked his cock simultaneously for those tagarooneys.)
DMV Man: Okay, processed.
Katie: Great! When will they come? DMV Man: 5 business days.
Katie: So, I should have them by next Friday? Should I follow up on Wednesday to make sure they went out?
DMV Man: No need to.
Katie: Thanks so much, you've been a gem! Have a good weekend.
Katie Schwartz is a comedy writer and non-fiction essayist, among other literary loves. She is a contributing writer for Zouch Magazine and Mock Paper Scissors. To read more, hit http://katieschwartz.com/bio