Katie Schwartz

Menses just commenced. It's 1:14 AM. I was asleep. That felt good. At 12:24, I popped up. I think I'm awake, maybe awakeish is more accurate. I'm always surprised when those handy-soapy-foamy-bottles run out of soap. For some lame ass reason, it never occurs to me that they ever will. They feel so lifetime supply , even though the bottles aren't more than 8 inches tall. Similarly, when I flip on a light switch and the light flickers to its death, I think "Now what?" Duh, schmuckette, you change the fucking light bulb . Intellectually, I know this, yet for some odd reason, it never comes to mind. In fact, a few years ago, my mother walked into my house and said, "Why aren't the lights working?" I said "I don't know, I flick the switch and they don't work." After a fit of uproarious laughter, she said, "Would it kill you to change the light bulb?” Hmmm. "No", I shamefully responded. I wonder why... it is that I hav...

For some reason when I saw this book on Sunday, it felt like a sign. Of what, I do not know. Care to venture a guess? Hit me.

Golly gee willackers, my day started with a glorious stretch and some yoga at home, followed by teeth brushing, flossing, some face washing and ear cleaning (I'm an OCDer to the core with floss and a few Q-tips). I was ready to embrace the day and opened my laptop. A few hours later, I made myself a generous helping of oatmeal served with a side of... Ohhhkkkay, surrealeena ?! While noshing on my meal-of-oats , helicopters circled several buildings bellowing from megaphones Come out with your hands up. I repeat, come out with your hands up and drop your weapon . So, what did my schmucky neighbors do? Run out of their houses and scurry down the street. Great way to get whacked. News?! I have a friend who is temporarily vegan and gluten free at the minee, too. We commiserate about how torturous it is for us , often. There are so few foods we enjoy. I understand a lot of people love being vegan and gluten free, I think that's fabulous. I'm over the moon for them. I'm j...

Officially, I am grossly behind on my e-mails, grossly , like it's embarrassing how behind I am in e-stalking people back. My sincere apologies. The past four days have been a cluster fuck wrapped in a riddle, served on burnt toast with rotting oysters and penicillin drenched cheese. The Way We Were, saltines and Ginger Ale, my combo cure-all for stress, is doing fuck all. I have stressrhea, stomach pains that would make Satan climax, nausea to the point of making bulimics everywhere green with envy. Oh, wait, and I'm ovulating. If I were fucking, even myself, I'd be worried about getting knocked up. I'm too stressed out to take 5 minutes and spin a get-myself-off yarn. The shame. It's time to back the fuck off and re-evaluate my life. Before I do... I'm supposed to participate in a sleep study because of my freakish, incessant nightmares. My shrinktail hooked me up with a Sleep Daddy Doctor of Doom. Whatever. I called their office today to inquire about the pro...

It's August, 2nd, 2008 and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Please, I spend so much time in my head, I blew " oy vey " away 10-years ago and replaced it with " oy gevalt ". Seriously, yo. I'm a brain dwelling freak'o nature, which wouldn't be so terrible if I wasn't a raging insomniac. I haven't really slept properly in about a week. What sleep deprived person do you know has perspective? I've been an irritable snatcharella on wheels. I know it and you know it. Impossible to communicate with in any meaningful fashion. God willing, I'll sleep tonight. Tomorrow, I'll wake up feeling, oh, I don't know, human. I'd love to say, refreshed, but that's a stretch. I have never excelled in the art of sleep. It's never been my sport of choice. I envy those who can hit the pillow and fall hard. My sister is a great sleeper. I wish I had that gene. My ma says she had insomnia in her 30s, too and chalks it up to hormones. ...

I am listening to the Goodbye Girl on the pod. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite movies. The kid and Richard Dreyfus do it for me in that flickundra, not Marsha Mason. Should I write a puzzle? I didn't fall asleep until midnight and when I popped up at 2ish, I was in the middle of a nightmare about being trapped in a crossword puzzle. I really love being continent. When my grandmother had a prolapsed uterus, she became incontinent. Worrying about my uterus becoming an accessory is now in the top 25 on my "Worry To Do List". Have you seen the movie Superbad ? That was a continent killer... Get it? "I laughed so hard, I peed." If Ellen Arkin married Adam Barkin and they spawned a fruit named Harkin, the kid's name would be Harkin Arkin Barkin. I can see it. The name screams rehab ready. He's almost three quarters of the way with the acronym HAB. I started reading one of Wade Agnew's poetry books "Solace For A Starving Naked Alone ...

On Friday, I started to feel sore-throaty and sinus burney. Know what I mean? Anywhoodle, by Saturday morning, my throat felt scrubbed with sandpaper by 50 midgets. My sinuses were in the epicenter of an erupting volcano . The hacking was akin to a crack addict who smokes Pall Mall non-filters in between fixes. That said.... Sunday, the games continued, menses began. All I needed was a yeast infection, and as a friend noted this morning, I would've had a trifecta. Though I rarely take penicillin for fear of developing an immunity to it, I caved and called my doctor for a Zpack and a cough suppressant. I am on the mend, fab . Downside, the cough suppressant had an opiate (who knew?!). I am opiate intolerant unless I take it with an anti-nausea back. What a weekend. By tomorrow I should feel like a brand spankin' new Jew. It's time for Katie to make herself horizontal again. More dish latah.

My mind wanders through inaneville when I take a 3-5 minute on-a-whim-shit , an unplanned evening, or late afternoon, shit, one that doesn’t need to be lured by freshly percolated coffee. Often, parading curiously through my weird ass brain is the origin of words: Who decided to call fluffy white squares marshmallows? Molestation, why marry “mole” and “station”, two perfectly independent, doable words and turn them into a big fuckin’ nightmare. Who was the decision maker behind that gem? Nomenclature screams mutton chops. One of the meanings of nomenclature is dictionary, vocabulary or glossary. Loving words, I should have an affinity for this one. I just can’t get behind nomenclature; it sounds and feels like decrepit, beyond repair, vintage furniture. And we all know how much Katie loves vinty everything. Last night’s on-a-whim-shit , my mind wandered, of course. What popped into my head wasn’t a word; it was a thought: I wonder what my psychiatrist looks like when he takes a dump. ...

Best Spam Headline from BFF PaintPusher: Well Hung Christian Single Russian Girls . I feel like it's missing, insert-transsexual "here". Or insert-God-Fearing-Men "here". Thoughts? Our Bethy girl has a photo credit ! On Hollis Gillespie's site From my brother Ben, Mobile Locate . Check it out, you can locate anyone via their cell phone. Creepy enough?! Alterna Title Sequal Tive post by Cormac Brown is so fucking funny. Run . Read. Now. I broke up with Mac. I'm so sorry, I just couldn't do it. Mac is far too straightforward. I like an operating system that requires over-thinking. Please don't hate me. I almost got sent to Russia accidentally when trying to fly back to LA. How does one make that mistake?! Three hours into my flight from east to the west, I had an allergy attack and couldn't stop sneezing. The broad to my right kept glaring at me-- snatch. I was so irritated, I finally said, "You glaring at me will NOT make me stop sneezi...

well, this day sucks ass. no. really. it does. -- remember that phrase, a lady in waiting. it's not applicable. it's just a thought. -- defense megacenter huntsville : I'm just curious about the use of megacenter . is it really necessary to call a defence center mega? i t's not implied? -- leewee did post for us. she pulled some oldies but goodies . the god diet. big closet fun with j-dawg. the jews. and, of course the usual submissive leepee jerk off material we've all come to know and love. -- I'm off to edit, feel shamefully forlorn and wallow in deep, DEEP frustration.

"No pardner, this isn't where I work... It's where my money works for me. I know my savings are safe here, because wherever you see that insurance emblem displayed you know your savings are protected by an agency of the U.S. Government." that's one hell of an ad I found online, isn't it?! -- I've decided that abstinence is very similar to going carb free. there isn't an upside to either. -- I really think there should be a fat sucking program for the poor. I see it as a win-win. lemme splain. fattie poor folk get fat sucked out of their bodies making them thin. their fat is then injected into poor starving people making them healthy and robust. it's a good idea, no? -- I'm not sure what's worse, fat rash or fat pull. fat pull is when appropriatee fitting underwear still manages to get sucked under the majora belly roll. in my opinion fat pull blows fat rash away. fat rash though uncomfortable can be remedied with powder or lotion. one fello...