Sunday, December 31, 2006

barbie-Q


happy new year!
have fun. be safe.
have a healthy, prosperous and festive new year.

love,
jewgirl & jewcifer

Saturday, December 30, 2006

is there a better way to say, happy new year?!

maybe, just maybe


he'll get impeached this year. a girl can dream...

happy birthday cuntsteinowitz blog


the bitch's blog is one-year old today. can you stand it?!


prior to having a blog, I really didn't get the whole blog thing. don't judge. don't be vile to fehatty.

last year at this time, crionaberry encouraged me to start a blog. ok, she hocked me and I'm so damn glad she did! thank you darling crionaberry.

who knew a blog would be such a laugh and a half or that I would make such festive blog friends?! BUT, I HAVE!!! it's been super festive squared. I really appreciate everyone I've had the privilege of meeting, reading and shmoozing with.

thanks for letting me be a venomous snatch on wheels. making me laugh my fat ass off. making me think. and being all around good natured, INSIGHTFUL e-stalk and blog buddies.

hugs-kisses-and blow jobs (for good measure),
cuntsteinowitz

george bush is gay

darlings... d-cup, another favorite blog read, has spun a fab yarn all about jorge's gayness.

wee me


crionaberry give me the url for wee mee's. it's so retarded and camp, you must run now and create a wee mee.

and now for.... fartkisaf

welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays.

1. I keep having the strangest dreams, that just above my diaphram (not of the bc variety), I have a giant burser that could be misconstrued as a third tit. so, what have I done, well, I'll tell you, I've FREAKED MYSELF OUT to the point of trying to find those cancer sniffing dogs to be 100% certain these are not foreshadowing dreams. so far, no luck.

2. that I will get fired. it's a running theme in my life, and was my gig of choice in 04'. who am I to break with tradition. I realize there's a new year on the horizon, and as much as I'd love to give up certain neuroses, it feels forced and cliche. + we've bonded. we're tight. why give up something so near and dear to my heart?!

ps: I just realized that #2 covered two fears. that makes this a three fear week. not bad, schwartzy. in all honesty, if I actually wrote about each fear I had in a week, we're talking three page entries. scary.

more fears next week! excited?

Friday, December 29, 2006

double vadge

romius self help, a favorite blog read, posted about a chick with a double vadge. it's so god damned funny. tragic, right? perhaps not. it reads super fetish. check out his yarn about the twins.

guess what?!?!?!

it's the cauble family crotchmas letter. don't worry, people, I emailed her and reminded her that the christmas theme colors are red and green, NOT red and black.

the shame....

Thursday, December 28, 2006

katie hearts blair

as many of you know, I email blair for guidance and to comment on some of her unsavory, anti-christian posts.

if she is going to truly represent the body of christ, I expect puritanical zealotry!

she never responds, but she's really busy. I'm sure she will one day, and on that day the skys will part and the light will shine on me.

I dropped her a line today, you know, to check in.

here's the email I sent:
hey lees:

how's it going? did you and the caubles have a good CHRISTmas? whadya's do? I'm sure it was a big ol' nog fest, huh? did you go to church? I didn't see you there. not that I was there, but I have spies. I'm in the loop. you're not the only broad with a mainline to the big j.

I went for chinese and a movie. nothing special. don't worry, I won't admit anything. I hope you know you can email me back. you won't be like damned to hell or anything.

hey, do you and steve have CHRISTmas sex? what's the rule on that? do we know? can you masturbate? or is that like a TOTAL sin squared? I didn't do either. but, I always thought it would be fun to role-play something thematic and vintage, like, bc cross hanging. I guess that's sorta s&m-ee and that's not really my thing, but you might dig it. oh, I know, jesus saving mary magdalene. could be hot and you just need a few potato sacks for costumes.

what are you doing for new years? any big plans? I'm hangin' with jewcifer and making some homemade goodies. very low key.

have a great new years!

xo,
katie

mxyzptlk: Virgil B Baade

if you haven't been following the virgil yarn, check it out, along with fifth dimensions comments! mxyzptlk: Virgil B Baade

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

the virgin mary

today it occured to me that mary supposedly died a virgin.

if it were any other dame, there isn't one broad hopped up on orgams who's heart wouldn't break for her. so, why don't we feel bad for the virgin mary? she never got the penetration, the finger fucking, the fondling, the oral gratification, not one grand finale and poof she's knocked up and donchya know, dead.

is giving birth to jesus enough of a reward? shouldn't we feel badly for her? where's the moment of silence for mary's virginity?

I for one am extremely blue about the fact that nobody bent mary over and fucked her like a whore because lemme tell ya something, it's a fabulous feeling. every girl should try it, whether she's a straighty or a lezzie.

would jesus have been considered a dirty bird and less of a god if he was created out of intercourse? other babies aren't, so what gives?

I don't know. I just don't know. but it's givin me ahj.

creepiest couple of 06'


this is so wrong on every single level.

tori and dean on their love

"We sat on a bench overlooking the lake and I gave Tori her last Christmas present" – an antique platinum ring with an Edwardian oval-shaped sapphire from Neil Lane. "I'd wrapped the ring in a much bigger box, and as soon as she opened the ring box I asked her to marry me again. It was very romantic and magical."

Spelling adds that as soon as McDermott proposed, "I immediately started crying and said 'Yes! Again and again and again!' What made it so special was the notion that a year ago when he proposed, the thought of having a baby together was just in our hearts, and now our baby boy that we created from our love is nestled in my belly."

I'm not sure what creeps me out the most, the fact that she said they made the baby from their love or the fact that they are procreating.

thoughts?

Monday, December 25, 2006

queer ass poll

like I said, queer ass poll.

super jewey christmas to ya

this is like the season finale for your people. the season finale for my people is october, yom kippur. so, have yourselves a super beautiful christmas.

here's something highly entertaining I found over at a favorite blog read of mine, into the sunrise, soy makes you gay!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

the hypocrisy of blair

when I'm a blue jew, god sends me to coffee talk with blair. she's very encouraging that blair, even with her lackeys. she's also graciously implemented a strict don't ask don't tell policy for jews. THANK GOD!

anywho... I am very confused about this week's journal entry, the mom time christmas party. there are a lot of anti-christian sentiments that are of great concern to me. I sent her an email last night for some clarity and guidance about it. I'm still waiting to hear back, but I'm filled with the spirit of jesus so it's not like I'm freaking out or anything.

dear warnsey:


get it? no?! lees, c'mon, facts of life nickname!

happy CHRISTmas. you must be like so excited! the season finale is finally here. too cool.

I read this week's journal entry, about the mom time annual christmas party at the mall. you gals really seemed to whoop it up doing the, eat like a scavenger hunt game you worked SO hard on. I guess my evite got lost in cyber space. had I received it, I so would've partied with you girls.

while I enjoyed the post and I super did, I have to admit that I found myself a bit flummoxed by it. I'm hoping you can straighten me out and set me back on my path.

this was a mom time / dad time event and you divided the teams boys against the girls. that seems very anti-helpmeet, especially since you say that your team annihilated the boys. girlfriend, a woman's role is to be of service to her husband and to cater to his every whim and need. to provide a home with love, arrows in his quiver, food and darning his socks. aren't you like advocating emasculating him and shattering his manhood?

you call yourself the game nazi. that could seriously be misconstrued as anti-semitism and I would hate for anyone to feel that you're a jew hater. cause you're like the most accepting girl in the whole wide world! so, couldn't you just say something like, game cunt or game bitch?

one of the items on the eat like a scavenger hunt list are gummy boobs. OMG. OMG. OMG. so appalling! blairish, breasts! ewww. that is so inappropriate. that store should be on the christian most wanted list! I can't believe you didn't contact the christian science monitor or send a blast mail to your soldiers about banning them. how horrible. actual b-r-e-a-s-t-s?!?!?!?! my unborn eggs read your journal do you realize how damaging this could be to them? irrevocable damage, blair.

as you can see, I really need you to get back to me asssap on these very important issues.

now, I realize that because it's the birth of our lord and savior, you might not have time to fly in the closet for a face to penis with jesus this weekend, but, girl, you seriously need to explain yourself to me!

xoxoxoxoxox,

katie

fallen queens

one drunken evening, miss nevada exposed her boobies and her high tight (bitch) ass. gave a lil head. noshed on some mock pussy. sucked a lil' tittie, and she's lost her miss nevada title because of it?! hmm. the ambiance and the lighting might be different, but it's still the miss usa pageant. so, what the fuck?

even more disturbing, miss nevada is apologizing for her behavior. she has no business apologizing. she's done nothing wrong. we live and we learn.

she's positioning herself as a cautionary tale for your young girls. and, do you know what her messages are, be careful because you never know who might take your picture. honey, please! she was so far up that camera's ass, she was belching film. missy nevada is also apologizing for her behavior, saying it was reckless. question, the drinking or not videotaping the millionth installation of tales of sapphic sororities?

here's what really offends me, the drug lord that is miss usa is deserving of a second chance but ol' sapphic isn't?! how is that right? what makes DL more of a role model?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

what's in a name?

been thinkin' see, bout' a new blog name and address. help me decide. stay with katie schwartz or go for one of these (available, so don't even think about boosting) camp names:

jewtawkintame : jew tawkin ta me
jewdish : jew dish
yojew : yo jew
supjewgirl : sup jew girl
superjewgirl : super jew girl
heeblette : heeblette
allthingsjewish : all things jewish
gotjew : got jew

and now for... ffartkisaf

welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays.

1. I am terrified of becoming incontinent and anally incontinent.
my grandmother, mary's uterus got bored one day and decided to trip the light fantastic by making a grand entrance into the world on my watch. was it traumatizing? you have to ask?!
one of the signs that you and your womb are about to have a sans consent "meet and greet" is incontinence.

I over kegel myself into an inappropriate frenzy. still, I panic about it.

though I've never had a face to colon, I worry about it for obvious reasons, and being forced into a colostomy handbag. it's just an accessory I'm not super keen on. ok, more like terrified of.

2. swollen eyelids
I worry that my eyelids will be swollen forever and that they will never go down. I'm told another year or two, but it's already been a year and a half. though they aren't as swollen as they were, they're still swollen. I hate it. it's a real self esteem buzz kill.

this concludes our ffartkisaf session for the week.

do not forget to stop by sweet amers blog tour to check out all 36 bloggers hanukah posts. they are so clever, smart and wicked funny, including amy's!

Friday, December 22, 2006

chanukah blog tour 5767


the enormously talented and wonderful amy guth, author of three fallen women has invited 36 jewish bloggers to participate in a most festive chanukah blog tour. she sent her heebs a list of 8 questions representing the 8 nights of chanukah. so much fun! thanks for thinking of me, amers. you're a honey squared. happy hanukah or chanukah!

Breathe. a quick intro yarn and the games begin because if I’m going to pay homage to Hanukah, I’m going to do it right. Capisce?!

Hanukah is my grandmother Helen Schwartz’s holiday. She was the greatest love of my life. She taught me how to make her great-great grandmother’s latkes. she always said that when you make latkes if you don’t bleed a little, they aren't made with love. between the peeling and the grating, please, latkes scream love!

Walking into her house during Hanukah was coming home. The smell of frying latkes, sour cream, fresh apple sauce, wax burning from the celebration of lights and loud voices, each outranking the other. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

I absolutely love being Jewish (queer ass as that sounds).

Moving right along…

1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren't already?). What would you add to them to dress them up, flavor and/or garnish them?

Like many of my fellow heeblettes, I want a homemade, heart attack worthy latke doused in sour cream and applesauce; including the goojshies… you know the goojshies.

I’ve co-prepared and shared, down home southern soul food meets Hanukah latkes. Brooklyn Italian ziti with a latke back. Venezuelan black beans and fried plantains with latkes.

That’s about as gourmet as I could go and the latkes I made were always traditional.

There’s nothing like a traditional latke grated by hand. Nothing. How could you not love/hate the feeling of egg, grated onions and potatoes and matzo meal sticking to your fingers?! And, that shtunk of oil, it just permeates your walls for weeks and months on end. It infiltrates your skin for god sake. You walk down the street and old Jewish men with ancient balls are swarming you. It’s a wicked aphrodisiac and probably a mating call in ft. lauderdale.

2. What is the dumbest thing you've ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

Oh, wow, I had no idea your people invented candles. I thought it was just bagels.

TRUE STORY. I thought I would die. My head cocked to the side and I looked at her with the most sinful grin.

My other favorite was when a guy asked me if hanukah was the holiday we have sex through a hole in a sheet.

Just when we fuck goyum, I said.

3. What's the best possible use for olive oil?

I am an olive oil whore! I love it. I use olive oil in everything. tapenades, homemade cornmeal crust pizza, when I sauté or roast any veggies.

The best use of olive oil is to remove any piece of jewelry, un-screw something that's stuck or anything that's wedged. It works like a dream!

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which to you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Latkes, hands down. there is no contest. But, I love, love, love, LOVE sufganiyot. They are the dreamiest fat pellets from heaven. The ideal meal for schwartz would be latkes with a sufganiyot back. Delish squared.

5. What's the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

Invite goyum and tell them it’s the Jewish version of twister and play on a twister sheet. It’s hilarious.

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the three women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

A latke fest with gloria steinem, adrienne rich and nora ephron would be tits to the tenth power! I respect and admire these women tremendously. they each have such a strong point of view. I love their work. it would be like a 60s beatnik revival. We’d drink wine. Smoke cigarettes. Wear black, and bash the bush administration. It would be fabulous!

7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

everyone should own a copy of three fallen women. another book I love to give, especially to the lads is, a mind of its own, a cultural history of the penis. A book I would love to receive this year would be, the play goes on by neil simon. I’ve been meaning to get it but haven’t.

8. What bloggers didn't participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

off the top of my head, a big jewish blog: one of the contributors is norman finkelstein and he just feels like that cousin.

church sign generator

run, don't walk: church sign generator.

emailing lisa welchel right now.











Thursday, December 21, 2006

where the hell has jewgirl been?

I never get sick. seriously. never. ok. maybe once a year. maybe. but that's it. what I just had. holy shit. I have hit my lifetime sick quota.

two weeks ago I got a head cold. fever. took a z-pack and rested. I was feeling much better until tuesday, a day after menses began. welllll... I just got my ass and stomach kicked by a flu that bent me over and left me for dead until today. I have never felt so sick in my life. I have never begged to be removed from my body until I got this flu. I never EVER want to go through this again. it was life changing. how strange is that? who knew a flu had such power. maybe it's just post flu blues. who knows.

I had a fever of 102-103. every orifice felt gang banged by 10 gnomes, 12 elves, 3 sleighs and 50 trolls.

after 4 failed soposotires, I called my doctor on wednesday night BEGGING HER for an anti-nausea drug. with insurance 175 = 9 pills. thank god for insurance because without it, it would've cost 700 for 9 pills.

amazing.

scary, isn't it.

all I know is that this afternoon I finally started feeling better again. like me.

who knew a flu could catapult a girl into, what? creepy.

Monday, December 18, 2006

moses has parted the seas

my menses has begun. I am experiencing hostage worthy cramps and have a heating pad strapped to my lower back. I'm taking pain medeys. I'm nauseas. headachey. I'm retaining enough water to cure a fucking drought. and, I feel as ugly as fat sally.

with all of that, I remain grateful that I am menstruating. every month I receive this bill is a month I celebrate.

riback, are you thrilled for me?

my desk


the contents of my desk... lewch asked and who am I to deny?! I've tagged him o' plenty. I am tagging a plenty, too. it's a good meem because I'm a nosy bitch.

I'll do the home desk versus the work desk because it's far more interesting. my work desk, you know, at my job, well that's just dull squared. let me just say, I don't have a proper desk. I have a giant table in my kitchen. I can't have a proper desk. it gives me agida. I can't write on something so proper. it makes me uncomfortable. I have to be able to lay on my table. sit on my table. sit on a chair in front of my table. see my couch. I can't feel stuck or trapped. I'm a freak. deal.

1950s better homes and gardens cookbook. I can't tell you how much this inspires me. it's just so camp. I love it. the language. the images. the recipes. what doesn't make me nauseas, which most of it does, makes me scream.

two sex books, one from the 1940s and another from the 1920s. again, the language, issues, images, hysterical. especially masturbation. for the record, it was regarded as a very healthy act as long as it was done in the severe privacy of your own dirty dark room. as to mutual masturbation, I haven't found it in these reads, but I imagine it was frowned upon. after all, it's dirty and it's very wrong.

louie jew. I have two giant frames filled with images of louie running, jumping and playing catch. he's the love. such a honey.

family. I have a collage of pictures of my brothers and sister. my mothah and my fathah. the collage is filled with good memory shots.

chach. vintage vase heads. my mother is an avid collector. so beautiful. she's given my sister and I a few. they are most dramatic dames. ceramic hearts and stars my mother made me. a few of the rocks I've collected over the years. vintage mixer. etc. etc.

itunes. super important. can't always write with music, but when I can, it's not a want, it's a need.

laptop. I'm not a hand writer.

blackberry. as if there was ever a question.

knitting. whatever I'm knitting is always within hands reach. helps me think. clears my head.

organizer. papers. books. zip drive key chain. I have an old organizer. no. really old. so old that it's got rubber bands around it. love it! I have a basket filled with papers. it's contained clutter and chaos. completely satisfies my need for chaos. and, boy do I need a certain amount of chaos to be creative. (there's a quote about that. I can't remember who wrote it or what the quote is. mother bitch. what is that fucking quote?!) moving it along... books I've read. will read. am reading.

tagging, riback. stanley. guth. daleish. crionaberry. romius. politis (big busted diva). al sensu.

whale vomit

oh, I seriously need to score some whale vomit. 18K here I come!

go, whale vomit.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

60 minutes tonight, hitler's secret archive


watch 60 minutes tonight!
Revisiting The Horrors Of The Holocaust
Millions Of Nazi Documents Are Being Made Available To The Public

(CBS) One man holds his fate in his hands: a list of inmates — his name among them, but crossed off — who were sent to a notorious slave labor camp few ever emerged from. Another holds the very card he signed as a teenager upon his entry to a concentration camp. A third sees a form the Nazis created to track the mail he never received in Buchenwald because the rest of his family had already been murdered at Auschwitz. All three Holocaust survivors are viewing for the first time the records the Nazis meticulously kept on them and 17 million other victims of Hitler's Third Reich.

Their stories and other revelations from the secret archives previously closed for 60 years are part of correspondent Scott Pelley's report, this Sunday, Dec. 17, at 7 p.m. ET/PT on 60 Minutes.

post it on your blog!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

and now for... ffartkisaf

I am joining the legions of bloggers with a queer ass friday thing, but I'm an aquarius, so I'm posting it on saturday's.

welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.

1: waking up with an ant infested vagina
ants freak me out. they're highly organized and travel in massive packs. what if pussy juice is a delicacy in the ant world but nobody talks about it?! underwear isn't protection enough and we all know that. tights or nylons are my best bet for keeping my vadgey safe at night when I can't monitor what gets in and what gets out. though I might get a yeast infection, it's comforting to know that I won't wake up with ants swarming my lips and racing in and out of my v-canal.

2: waking up to an army of spider babies spilling out of one of my ears
I know the urban myth about a broad waking up and finding what appears to be a giant zit on her face. squeezing it and FREAKING OUT because of the army of vigilante spider babies pouring out. I'm not stupid. of course that's fake! it doesn't even make sense. what schmuck isn't going to notice a spider burrowing into her face for fuck sake?!

for me it's a two-fold issue: the idea of spiders using my ear like a 1950's make out lane to have reckless, unprotected sex because that's plenty disturbing and you know it. but, even worse is the fear of spiders loving my ear so much, they use it as a birth canal for their spawn. not only is that a vile thought, it's creepy and rude!

Friday, December 15, 2006

secret blog

I have a new secret blog. shh. I will share when I'm ready. let's see if anyone can even find it first.

oh, please, like anyone has the time much less the desire.

it's hanukah.

happy hanukah heeblettes.

I'm off to be super jewey.

hugs.kisses.blowjobs.
schwartzy

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

6 weird things you don't know about me


alsense tagged me. I was sick. flu with a sinus infection back. really hot. everybody cum! al, forgive me. after hitting vocab's blog tonight, I was reminded of the tag. I am now fulfilling my tagbligations as you have so generously done for me on a million occasions.

This tag has rules. pay attention
1. Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”.

2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly.

3. At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

:--0

1. I am not a hypochondriac. I fear death. there is a difference. so, I write eulogies. incessantly. shamelessly. about myself. the people I love. whenever I am more terrified than usual about the peel factor, I eulogize myself into a heated frenzy.

2. I get distracted way too easily when I masturbate. my mind goes off on tangents that are so random, I can't even begin to tell you. I get fixated on a word or a thought and repeat it in my head three times until I segue into yet another ridiculous, random distraction.

3. I have the worst gag reflex known to man and hate, detest, despise and abhor the smell of rose milk. it offends me and makes me so nauseas, I gag. but I love the smell of fresh cut roses.

4. I am an avid perfume collector of fine and vintage scents and have over 1,000 bottles.

5. I play the saxophone. badly, but I do play.

6. I take black and white photographs that I never show people but have sold under an assumed name.

I am tagging: write procrastinator, toady, crionaberry, honeysmack, mister mister (he hates it so much when I tag him that it's become a new katie-compulsion), drug nazi, c-punch and johnny yen.

fat men

when I was a kid, I asked my dad if fat men had penises. I asked because I couldn't see them.

what I can't figure out is if peni recognition at such a young age means I was molested or intuitive.

hmm. something new to ponder and hopefully obsess about.

what is wrong with people?

love this man. he's fabulous. must be a real yoga enthusiast.

the other day I found my neighbor standing in the hallway talking on the phone and peeing in a cup. I briskly walked by. he turned his back. like that's really going to help at that point?! after I walked by him, he said, sorry about that. I said, what do I care. you're not peeing in my cup. knock yourself out. pee in every corner of the building. I really don't care.

I think I'm becoming desensitized or I've truly stopped caring. either way, my life is a mess.

creepy neighbor

I have a neighbor. he's a dick. very cliche and pretentious. drives a convertible. struts himself around the block around evening time, toting his pussy-should-be-at-the-end-of-a-mop, dog, smoking a cigar twice his size. he's a bit of a mini me. works out to glisten. he's all about steamed chicken, veggies and maintaining his mini lean man physique. I'm sure I'm the anti-christ to him. he probably thinks if he stares at me too long he'll catch fat. I should send him a letter telling him it's not contagious, but I prefer when he quickly looks away.

yesterday morning we were both getting into our cars at the same time. I had jewcifer with me and in the creepiest fucking tone, he said, he's your buddy, isn't he? I thought, eww. that is so porn and so wrong. I said, no more than your dog is your buddy. he looked surprised. I raised an eyebrow and said, the way you said that was creepy. sorry. but, it was.

as if. louie is my son. I know divorce lawyers. believe me, I've heard the yarns. and, no matter how you slice it, it's rape. if someone can't consent, you are raping them. it's a boundary.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

comment verification enabled

after getting a gazillion viagra and plaxo comments, I realized it was time to turn on comment verification. I am most blue about this. I don't know why it bothers me so much. could be the cold medicine. maybe I'm a big ol' overly sensitive whoremoan at the mineee.

am I pms'ng?! if I am, I know mister mister will be most pleased.

tori spelling garage sale


I read somewhere that someone asked her publicist if the monies raised were going to charity and the publicist said, no. the money goes to tori.

I imagine mama candy is so angry that she's actually making facial expressions!

blair family photos

like father like son. copping a feel, and so young. two christmas queens in a pod.

december 9th journal entry:: the busy guide's mom to bible study + early family CHRISTmas photos.

read it. it will affirm your love for blair.

tools for digging: write it down and walk it out. paralell translations. original languages.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

update on yarn to spin


lewch mentioned that my, yarn to spin, post might've made things sound super tragic. that is not the case. I would hate for anyone to think anything deathy is taking place. so I wanted to give a quick update.

nobody peeled. thank god. bad cold. fever. step drunk drama. it's all good. working on an essay to post. but, I got sick so I wasn't able to finish it. tomorrow is a new day and I'm on antibiotics :).

hope everyone's weekend is grand.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

a yarn to spin


sigh.

I will be back later with one hell of a yarn to spin.

really. come back.

Monday, December 04, 2006

bitter cunts unite

I'm having an angry day. I feel angry, don't I? I look angry, right? the rage is just oozing out of my snatch faster than the speed of light. I don't even have my menses or a yeast infection so what gives?!

more later.

loving.fehatty.

ps: new word, snatchtastic

Sunday, December 03, 2006

home for the holidays


thanksgiving at blair's... epic.

rumsfeld secret memo to bush

this administration is truly fucked. it's a hell of a hannukah gift! read excerpts from this article.

Rumsfeld Memo Proposed 'Major Adjustment' in Iraq
By MICHAEL R. GORDON and DAVID S. CLOUD, The New York Times

WASHINGTON (Dec. 2) - Two days before he resigned as defense secretary, Donald H. Rumsfeld submitted a classified memo to the White House that acknowledged that the Bush administration's strategy in Iraq was not working and called for a major course correction.

"In my view it is time for a major adjustment," wrote Mr. Rumsfeld, who has been a symbol of a dogged stay-the-course policy. "Clearly, what U.S. forces are currently doing in Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough."

Nor did Mr. Rumsfeld seem confident that the administration would readily develop an effective alternative. To limit the political fallout from shifting course he suggested the administration consider a campaign to lower public expectations.

"Announce that whatever new approach the U.S. decides on, the U.S. is doing so on a trial basis," he wrote. "This will give us the ability to readjust and move to another course, if necessary, and therefore not ‘lose.' "

"Recast the U.S. military mission and the U.S. goals (how we talk about them) - go minimalist." He added.

read the rest.

--
according to iraq body count, 54,000 + citizens have been killed
as of october, 2,ooo + americans & american soldiers have been killed
since september, 1,100 us soldiers have been wounded
grand total: 57,100 HUMAN LIVES have been lost and wounded since the war started

after all of that bloodshed. all of those lives lost. all of the heartbreak and devastation, the desire to save face and minimize the impact to those megalomaniac republican egos still rules out.

un-fucking-believable.

if there is such a thing as god striking a person down and sending them to hell, I truly hope each and every member of the bush administration tops the list.

christmas beer label banned


Ho Ho, No? State Bans Santa Beer
By CLARKE CANFIELD, AP

PORTLAND, Maine (Dec. 2) - A beer distributor says Maine is being a Scrooge by barring it from selling a beer with a label depicting Santa Claus enjoying a pint of brew.

the man has to schlep the world in less than 24 hours and he's not entitled to a celebratory beer? or is it his fabulous fat ass?

shame on you portland, maine!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

bye-bye

have a good weekend.
bye-bye now.
find a nice jewish girl and tell her you love her.

calling all jewish bloggers!

<-- introducing the matzo men.

amy guth needs jew! chhhhanukah is around the corner.

36 Jewish bloggers wanted. silly, festive Chanukah fun. drive plenty of traffic to your blog during Chanukah.

isn't it positively the most! email amy for all the dish!

*gimmie a break. I just saw gidget AGAIN. fab distraction content*

google analytics

did you know that google analytics is free? if I'm not the only asshole that didn't, get it for your blog. great tracking and super free. if you need a gmail account, email me. I have oodles.

Friday, December 01, 2006

one for the books


my mom is in the middle of a move.
my friend crionaberry was telling me about a deep tissue massage she had this evening.
so, when my mom called to discuss how sore she was, I said, ma, you should go get yaself fondled.
I'm tired ---ok--- it's been a long fucking week. it was a slip o' the tongue. not a fantasy, creepies.
my mom said, what the hell are you talking about?
I said, ma, you know what I mean. a massage. go get a massage.
she asked, and the fondling?
I said, well that's really none of my business, now is it?

we both howled.
how-wled.

I know. shut the fuck up, katie.

all lips are sealed.
good night, gracie.

love a good quote

joan crawford on love, love is like a fire, but you never know if it's going to warm your heart or burn down your house.

as far as I'm concerned, she invented the word cunt. love ha.

arthur miller on writing, to excel, to win out over anonymity and meaninglessness, to love and be loved, and above all, perhaps, to count.

love him.

donchya love the howard cosell play-by-play?!

stanley tucci, to life and its many deaths.

love him. you ever seen the imposters? he wrote it. directed it and starred in it. putz. rent it.

charles bukowski, what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

I love that man.

edna st. vincent millay, it well may be that in a difficult hour, I might be driven to sell your love for peace, Or trade the memory of this night for food. It well may be. I do not think I would.

exquisite. just perfect. what a dame, huh?!

world aids day, a little knowledge won't kill ya

Support World AIDS Day

get tested. be smart. wear a condom. swallow familiar cum aids.org.
my beloved queenies, please pay attention and stop with the bug chasing
who is getting this meshugena disease? don't be a schmuck. review. world. usa.

loving.

congratulations girlistic magazine!

the premiere first edition of girlistic magazine is live! head on over. download. print and distribute. girlistic is a feminist feast!

art. intellectually stimulating features, reviews and interviews. chach. sex advice.

and... girlistic is graciously publishing an ongoing essay series I'm writing called, my vagina and me. check out the first installation, my vagina and me, seeing eye to v.

run. read. loving.

flange watch 2006

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that when major news outlets such as the, New York Daily News, ABC News, Fox News (hate their fucking republican guts), MSNBC, Chicago Sun Times and the New York Post, are all tracking and headlining britney spears vagina, there's a serious problem.

if you google, britney spears vagina, you get over 1,300,000 search results. if you google, britney spears nether region, you get around 11,000 search results.

if you log onto technorati as I just did, you'll see that britney spears is a #1 search; leaving world aids awareness day so far in the dust, it's not even an afterthought.

people are really going for it, aren't they?

psychologists are literally allocating time to think about and speculate about why britney is on a vadge exposing tear. some say it's because she was married to a man who never loved her. yeah. ok. well. she may be the thickest tampon in the box, but I'd like to think she knew that going into it. others say it's a way of showing men she's available. what? like a mating call.

why are brit's lips the toast of such reputable newspapers? and, why are shrink's feasting on her Y to toss in their two cents?

we all need a distraction. hello. when I get so stressed I can't breathe, I devour online gossip like a soccer player stranded in the andes. but, I go to dirty little secret sites dedicated to all things famous, dumb, inane and hardly newsworthy.

does it really matter why britney is exposing her taco? she's a republican. maybe she's trying to get her pussy nominated as a candidate in the next presidential election. since bush has been in office, the enlightened voting american population is pretty hip to what a stupid twat looks like. or maybe she's trying to get a pussy showcase going on Fox with anne cunt coulter.

regardless of her motivation, she's single. young. brags about being southern white trash. and, she's got way too much money and far too much time on her hands. if she wants to follow in the footsteps of her mentors, paris hilton and lindsay lohan, she should knock herself out. flash away, girlie. spread those lips and legs like a gymnast. but, I ask you this, is it really a mainstream newsworthy topic?

--
in case you haven't seen the pop queen's pussy, knock yourself out: britney's pussy.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

fuck doc


run
like
a
dawg

see
this
moo-moo

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm tagging YOU!

shalom, jewlcious and non-jewlicious peeps. how is everyones jewsday going? wp meemed me and I am meeming... see below. this is a personal meem. like, it asks personal q's. could be fun. who the fuck knows. why not. worth a twirl, donchya think?








DO YOU SNORE?
as if my life depended on it!

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
that's a creepy question, comparable to someone saying, I want to make love to you.

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
choking.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
yes. I was insanely creative. loved to create legolands. but loved to spin yarns even more.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV?
hate it. it takes jobs away from writers. it's also fabulous. if your life sucks ass, reality tv proves your life is not half as bad as someone elses.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
incessantly.

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
duh. chubby hairy jewbaca. what's not to love?!

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
I'm not sure. right now it is. though I vacillate. it would be lovely to be in love, but I would hate to be loved by someone I really didn't want loving me.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
I have a laptop. as if that's somehow cooler than a desktop. I mean, shit. how lame am I right now?! lappy toppy is gray. keyboard is black.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I would sing if it didn't cut into berating my fat fucking self.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
no. I'd like to. if I were thinner and had supple, small, perky boobs with topshelf nipples. definitely!

ANY SECRET TALENTS?
I can eat anyone under the table. such a gift. I can also exercise shameless fart control. I just choose not to.

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
wyoming. peru. argentina. cuba. puerto rico. that wasn't a plural question?

CAN YOU SWIM?
like a fish.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
no. no desire to. do I suck ass?

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
I do. but only when it's convenient.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I'm a biter. chill. I don't bite cock. just lollies.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
I can barely say the alphabet from a-z.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I love the whirring sound of electric. but you've just given me a fabulous idea for a shame free vibrator.

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
it's disgusting. I don't know how anyone can shoot a gun. it makes me sick. really sick. I don't want to be around it. but, I wear leather. people eat animals.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
I don't think so. I don't want to get married. I fear commitment. I'd love to live with a man and share my life with him. I don't believe in one-soulmate. I think people you fall in love with come into your life at different times to fulfill different needs. needs change and so do relationships. is that so horrible?

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
it's horrific. I write like an infant being gang banged by legos.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
everything. it sucks. meat. seafood. pollen. mold. bounce. cats. dogs with hair. grass. the list is far too jewbarrassing.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, I LOVE YOU?
I say it every single day, to my family and my dog.

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
sometimes. it's guilt related. or an old memory. or wishing the person I was there supporting would marry someone else. stop judging. I didn't say I was well adjusted.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
I don't eat eggs. disguised eggs. but, if I do eat eggs, they have to be scrambled and severely dry.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
just the ones with face lifts. or maybe it's just the blondes in los angeles. although, maybe they ain't so dumb after all. they have managed to become trophy wives or maintain first wife status. shouldn't we respect that?

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
I really don't know. it's either curled up underneath something. or it's mia forever.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
3:37 in the afternoon.

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
many. quats. katiegirl. kkkkkatie. schwartzy. schwartz. louie. kates.

IS MCDONALDS DISGUSTING?
love the smell. can't eat the food. it's a flesh haven.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
an hour ago.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
showers. in a bath I can't wear my shoes. I also feel way too naked for way too long.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
yes.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
I do. and my back scratched. what am I, a fuckin dog?

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
sometimes. but, I love the silence. or the sounds depending on the city I'm in. I also love the secrecy of night.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
food. cigarettes. guilt. shame. fear. self loathing. all the good stuff.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
creamy.

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
that's wrong on every level and way too hippie dippy.

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
once. I hope never to repeat it.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
I'm not sure. define drug free? caffeine is a drug, no? I'm a coffee ho.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
please... I've slept through tornados and woken up without a roof.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
brown.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
no. but, I'm working on it.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
with my mother, my sister and my youngest brother.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
are you new?

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
my vagina.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
just my parents. I was a kid. their wallets were out with what seemed like pots of cash, so yeah. I boosted a few bucks.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
no. but, I can ski.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
I'm a jew. we don't camp. we do outdoor things in the daytime and stay in hotels.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
shamelessly. love to laugh.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
yes.

ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
and woman's.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
of course. I've had a starter marriage. big fan of divorce. everyone should give it a twirl at least once.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I can barely dance.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
I do. it makes me sad.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
there's a nice chill in the air. it's refreshing. reminds me just a tiny bit of fall.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
cabbage salad with slivered almonds. so damn good.

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
no. it makes my nails sweat and it feels like their suffocating.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
one. he's a prick. I have no business liking him. if I dropped dead tomorrow, he wouldn't give it a second thought. so, what am I wasting my time for? he feeds my fear of commitment. what's not to love?! he's also smart and funny. total dick. hate his fucking guts.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
dashers. dashers and dashers. and, 1-800 dentist.

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
what is american eagle?

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
daleish got me back into portishead. the song: glory box

WHO ARE YOU TAGGING?
daleish <-- fabulous! loved it. read it.
crionaberry
vocab
mullet boy
drug monkey
freak and a whore
al sensu <-- I know. you hate me. skirmish of wit
mars
self help
ribbed for your pleasure <-- epic. dear.
mister mister <-- it's pretty far up my ass, but hey, if you feel like a cross country trek, knock yaself out. you're in good company.
girlie guth <-- I know it's a pain in the ass. thank you for saying yes.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

that's it


we're done now.
bye-bye.

quick hit


the reason why blogging is such great procrastination is because it's a shot of post. click publish and walaah there's your quick fix.

 

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