Sunday, December 30, 2007

Coco and her Vagina

You know how OCD I am about Coco's cavernous taco. Oy, how can you not feel badly for her split knish? Vadge handlers, can you imagine the ahj? This weekend, they were out in grand style. Coco's taco really made the rounds. They were seen here and here and here and here. The only time her vagina gets a reprieve is when she's in a dress.

Friday, December 28, 2007

And How was Your Day, Katie?



On Friday, I was so fuckin’ angry I wished I had a penis. No, I don’t have penis envy. Friday, though. Friday, I wanted a penis, so I could say “SUCK MY MOTHAH’ FUCKIN’ DICK”, to everyone. I wanted to march myself out into the world in groin clutching, crotch enhancing man jeans, grabbing my dick at the speed of light, screaming at the top of my lungs. That’s how I angry I was.



If I could’ve thrown every piece of glass and ceramic I own against the wall so hard that I would’ve felt the reverberating debris inside my womb, I would’ve. I wanted to watch it all crumble into a gazillion little pieces onto the floor. I don’t think I could’ve screamed as loudly as I wanted to, but I sure as shit wanted to try.



The health care system in this country isn’t fucked up, it’s a diseaseapalooza.



Doctor’s secretary, we’ll call her Spawn of Satan says, “Take this new medication. If you have side-effects and feel sick, call.” Katie asks, “What side-effects should I look for? Can you describe what feeling sick means?” Spawn of says, “I don’t know. You’d have to ask the doctor.”



Hmm… Doctor’s on vacation until the end of the first week of January and doesn’t have a handy-dandy-sidekick, so who the fuck do you suggest I call if I have side-effects?! Jesus? It is the holidays. Maybe he’ll make an appearance if I’m desperate. Or should I call 911? What’s the split on that dosage? 99/1? If I’m short, how about some thirty-something ovum? I’m sure a recovered crack whore and her city hall husband, Monty, would be none too pleased to have a thirty-something Jew egg. What would be more insulting I wonder, the “Jew” or the “thirty-something?”



Fuck.Fuck.Motherfuck.Fuck. Fuck them with a fine tooth comb covered in lice and crabs. Fuck their eyeballs with searing hot, multi-colored toothpicks. Fuck their noses with impregnated-ready-to-pop black widow spiders.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Have a Very Leather Christmas!


To all of my fabulous non-Jewish readers, I wish you a very Merry Christmas!



Love,
Jewgirl & Bondage Santa

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Jaymahlyn Keep Ur Baybay, Love LeeWee


Thanks to the goddess that is SaltyMeat, we have this meaty dish: Former Teen Star Applauds Jamie Lynn Spears for Keeping Baby. Lisa fuckin Welchel (AKA) LeeWee is proud of this 16-year-old abortionphobe for keeping the spawn of her loins.



And, what would LeePee do if her beloved daughter came home with a cum clad womb after taking a vow of chastity before God. PS: daughter wears a purity ring and all, as a reminder of her blessed virginity.



LeeSkeev's comments on Spears decision not to have an abortion, "I'm so proud of her for stepping up and being courageous and taking responsibility for her choices, and I believe she's being a good role model — a good role model in that situation, to choose to have the baby, and … I am supportive of her in that situation."



I want to scream at this snatch, at the top of my lungs, SHE is a CHILD having a CHILD. This is wrong.wrong.wrong on every level. These God fearing Christians need to wake the fuck up and teach their children about sex. Kids fondle and fuck. Arm them with knowledge and teach them to use condoms. The fear of God clearly isn't cutting it.



Let's think for a minute, the man they are supposed to worship is HOT. Stay with me for a minute: Easy on the eyes Jesus is hanging on a Cross in nothing but a loin cloth and a thorn hat. He's got a wicked manly physique and these kids are not supposed to have thoughts about what it would be like to have sex with him?! Build a bridge, my friend. There isn't a Christian queen or teen that hasn't fantasized about Jesus showing up at their bedside for a little midnight delight.



Stupid.Stupid.Stupid.



Ah, thank you, Salty Goddess. This was fuckin' tits dish! You made my night.



PS: my other loves MadamZ, Creepy and Ribbed wrote the best comments, aaaaaaand some fabulous new found faves commented as well. Check it out. Fucking hilar.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Slutney Spears is Knocked up at 16


Oh, I lah'me some white trash God fearing Christian gossip. Jamie Lynn Spears is 16-years-old and knocked up. Fuck me around the corner with a giant Cross and a thorn hat. The shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.



For the love of God, child, HAVE AN ABORTION. You people are done procreating. Use a condom and slam some foam up your flange. Turn that womb into a war zone. Would it kill you to have an abortion? You are a CHILD. Why isn't her mother encouraging her to have a fucking abortion?!



My favorite quote from the article is what mama trash said about Jaymalyn's pregnancy, "I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's never late for her curfew."



Come'on, you're white trash, you know better. You can still make curfew and get your fuck on, mama. Ain't nobody know that betterd'n you. You done got yurself all knocked up when you was 16'n all.



What a dumb ass thing to say, "Jamie Lynn is never late for curfew". How fuckin' stupid do you have to be to say that OUT LOUD. It's one thing to think fucktard thoughts, but to say them out loud brings it to a whole'notha level of shame. shame. shame. This is a shame sandwich with chips and dip.

Merry Christmas from George and Laura's Bush


Best email forward evah. Grazie ma.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Blacklisted


I'll be dipped in Jesus' shit, I think the Christian site I'm way OCD about broke the fuck up with me. I am hoppin' fuckin' mad. That's not right. It's the holidays. Either you break up with someone a month before Thanksgiving or after the first week of January. That's a break-up rule. Not to mention the fact that it's very anti-Christian. What if I was on the road to redemption?! What about my soul? Has she no interest in salvaging that?! Mother fucker.

Monday, December 17, 2007

10 Great Ways to Be Sure You Will Die Spiritual

Here's a sampling of the below video.... Do not get comfy. Seek only to be filled by Jesus. Don't be a friend of the world, that's adultery. Only be friends with God. If you listen to Jesus, you can't be co-opted. Don't put a crippled lamb on the alter. Man up. When he forgives us, he forgets we whacked him. That Jesus is such a mensch. Stop playing footsie with other religions. If you preach self-help and someone drops dead without optioning into J's program. Their blood is on your hands. Make sure other people are comfy. Tickle their ears. Try to help God along. Don't get twitchy, he's coming. Chill. Watch it.



Sunday, December 16, 2007

Beverly Hills Episcopalians


My sister and I schlepped to the Beverly Hills AT&T / Cingular store today to get her an iphone. We've banned the other locations closest to us because of their dead dog jokes.



Ker is "i" obsessed these days. It started with an ipod 3 months ago. A month ago, she broke up with PC and bought a Macbook. She's now a no-joke igirl.



Anywho, as we were heading into the store, we noticed a stream of people leaving the Episcopalian church across the way and can I just tell you that I had no idea what great racks Episcopalian birds have. It's unbelievable or it's just Beverly Hills. These blond broads hiked up their hooters, their skirts and broke out their deepest v-necks for Jesus. I nevah saw such a thing.



When my people go to shul, we don't usually inject silicon into our lips and slut-up for God. I guess episkys do, which, if you think about it, is kind of a refreshing change from the prairie muffin crew.


I need to stop blogging now and write. Must focus.

Loving....

Cunt Fit Squared


I cracked a mother fuckin' cock suckin' tooth-with-filling last night. fuck.fuck.motherfuck. FYI: It's very uncomfortable. I woke up again at 4AM with class-5 cramps and a tsunami bursting through the clam dam.



I got the lovliest, sweetest holiday cards from monkeyboy and bethylish. Isn't that so menschy. Thank you guys. I also got a postcard from Teeny. She's in Egypt. She said, "Eh, you've seen one tomb, you've seen em' all." Funny, no?!



Back to the cunt fit. I am so mad! Six weeks prior to The Kid peeling, I found out that my next door neighbor's dog peeled. My heart broke for her. She chose to get another dog, so I got her some dog chach. It was such a difficult time for her and I wanted to be supportive of her choice. Welllllll, do you know that since my dog peeled, I've run into this cunt a half dozen times and each time, she hasn't said word one to me. I am fuckin' furious about this. She won't even look me in the eye.



The reason why I'm hoppin' fuckin' mad right now is because it's The Kid's birthday month and I'm a bit overly sensitive at the minee. Anywho, I ran into her again this morning and she ignored me. WhadI do?! Bupkas. Argh. Woman up, Schwartzy. Geez Louise.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Gay? Hit GodTube.

Go GodTube, Go. Smooth move telling these beautiful voracious bottoms to be and gorgeous lesbian divas eager to come out, how very wrong they are for knowing in their hearts and souls they are gay. Good job. Good job. Good job.




A Letter from Hell

For the love of God, if I mean anything to you at all, I beg you to watch this. It is so fucking funny. It's also sick and wrong on several if not all levels. It's how they indoctrinate children into going zealy nuts. Josh let his friend die before sharing the one thing he could.... his personal relationship with Jesus Christ.




Glow in the Dark Cats?

This morning when I was cruising the news, I saw this video of cats being cloned to glow in the dark. That's cruel, offensive and deeply disturbing. Call me stupid, but why is it that cats need to glow in the dark? This qualifies as a noteworthy scientific endeavor because?!?!?!?

Postal in my Vagina?


Yesterday morning I got my period. I followed protocol: pills. Pad. Rock back and forth. At 4AM I woke up to what must be at least 6 postal workers with machine guns spraying a half dozen postal offices. But, in my vagina. The wounded are pouring out and dragging my womb with them. If they don't stop shooting soon, I'm going to call FEMA and the National Guard. Oh, wait, they wouldn't show up.... The Coast Guard? This is a liquid issue.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Bush's Shit


Via Politits, I came to Fran I am. Two kick ass dames. Via one of Fran I am's posts about bushfuck, I found I can't believe it's not a democracy and a post about, I kid you not, what the secret service does with Bush's shit when he's out of the US. Can you believe that our tax dollars are being spent on a protocol for Bush's asstastic movements?! I'm not sure what's more offensive.



His shit ain't bein' brought back to the US for composting because he's a narcissistic bastard. I want to know what that doody is being used for. I am entitled to know. Spill, Bushy, spill.



I'm also curious about Bush's jiz and which secret service man has to drop to his knees for facials when Bushy is abroad getting his jerk on. Perhaps this is Bush's way of expressing his gayires without being, well, you know gay. God forbid.

Viva La Menstruacion


You know what a menses whore I am.... Here's the scoop, I got an email last week from Danae, a very fine bird and the creator of the menstruacion calendars. They are off the fucking hook. You have got to check these babies out. You will love them and want to buy one for everyone you know.

Just Arrived



One of my bottles of perfume came five minees ago. I am so over the moon, I could scream. This week, I went on a scent tear and bought a few bottles of my favorite scents. New York by Nicolai is a scent that I haven't been able to find for ages. I found it at (I hate lame irony) LuckyScent. What's fabby about this particular scent is how frequently it changes throughout the day. It's damn sexy and worth every penny, children. PS: It's great for men and women.



I'm an avid collector of vintage and modahn scents. I ain't tawkin outta my ass. Run and get yaself a bottle.



I can't stop smelling myself. Okay, that sounds weird when it's written. Maybe it should have stayed in my head.



PS: Hit Guthy's blog today to read about tampons. It's hilar squared. Politits wrote a scathingly brilliant post about festivus. Loved it. Loved em' both.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Housewife Tarot



From the 50s... I think I'm in love. I'm overcompensating for my shitty blogger of the year award by over-posting. Shameful, isn't it? I know. I know. I know.

So Weird


For the first time in over 5-years, I kid you not, I'm, well, cold. Can you stand it? It's such a shock. I am never cold. If my nipples weren't on the floor and it wasn't 30 below, I couldn't even feel a chill. My body temperature used to run suuuuuper hot. I think it's becoming normal. Weird. Exciting. Still. I ain't turnin' my fans off. The sound is so soothing to me. I can't use heat (FYI). Whenever the heat is on, I can't breathe. I have an allergic reaction to it. I can use a heating pad. Strange, no? Ooh, heating pad. It's not just for periods.

David O'Hara


I know that we all feel great disdain for the anti-Semite, sugar tits inventor, smell shitson. This, we all agree on. That said, let's not forget the stud that is David' O'Hara from Braveheart. This man in that movie with his full beard sent my vulva lips deranged. You wouldn't want him to take up residence between your legs? Are you retarded?! Come on... You know you want him, too.

And The Shittiest Blogger of the Year Award Goes to....


I have been a real fuckball blogger this week. I suck fat mannequin ass. It's been a hell of a week. Did you know Evil Knieval died? He peeled at 69. I wasn't a fan or anything. But, he was Evil Knieval. That name alone warrants some type of honorable mention, right?


I'm on a Christian tear again. I've noticed that many of the Christian blogs I fly threw, prioritize God before their families. I don't know about you, but if my ma said she loved God more than me, it would be a real self-esteem buzz kill. Let's break it down. If I was the husband, I wouldn't feel half as sexy. J-man had abs of steel, a kitsch thorn hat and strutted around in a loin cloth. How do you compete with that?! He oozed power and presence.



If I was the child of a born again, I'd feel like I could never live up to Jesus' standards. I can't turn water into wine. I can't walk on water. I can't bring things back from the dead or resurrect more than my own erection (if were a boy). If I was a girl, well, there is no competition, is there?

 

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