Tuesday, February 21, 2006

new behaviorist.

some freakish new behaviorist had the fuckin balls to respond to my let’s-help-katie-get-over-her-choking-phobia-mail, with:

Dear Katie,

I believe that the techniques of Energy Psychology are the most effective with phobias.


yeah, that's right, MUDFUCKER. how sprout loving, hemp wearing, california, organic, chanting nutfucko do you have to be to suggest to a broad who is terrified of choking that she should undergo ENERGY PSYCHOLOGY. are you fucking kidding me?!

what does he do for an encore? regress me to a past life rape!

tastes like chicken

is a very funny, irrevernt magazine, and in print, too. check out their second, HILAR, online radio show, tastes like podcast

the behaviorist and me

so, I have this intense phobia of choking. I mean it's really bad. anyone who knows me knows that this is my greatest fear in life, to choke or watch someone choke.

my phobia was under control until my dog choked on a ball about 3 months. it was fucking terrifying as hell. I got him to the vet in time, and the vet wasn't even sure he'd be able to get this specific ball out of his throat. I was a fuckin' mess. A MESS.

since, I can't get the choking out of my head. my fears have worsened ridiculously so. I watch people eat more intently. I stay even farther away from the foods I used to fear. I don't let my dog play with a ball (only a rope). I watch him eat. when he's out of my site, I panic, especially when he's at camp because they have balls there. I have nightmares about choking again. blah-blah-blah.

it's so fucking pathetic that I am petitioning the company that makes these specific kong balls to remove them from the shelf. the reason the ball is so dangerous is because it's so difficult to remove if a dog chokes on it.


so, my mother suggested I go see a behaviorist to resolve the issue and get it under control once again.


today some behavior phd chick called me back to discuss my case, so I tell her everything.

she says to me; "were you raped or molested?"

I said, "no. my phobia of choking stems from watching my father choke on steak three times as a kid."

I know, it’s anti-climactic.

she says, "are you sure you weren't raped or molested?"

I said, "I'm pretty positive. I think I'd remember."

so she says, "well, I think you were raped."

I said, "no, I think watching my dad choke repeatedly, because god forbid he take 5 minutes to chew vs. inhale, is what did me in."

she says, “listen, for $180 an hour, I can cure you of this phobia and get to the real root cause."

I said, "yeah. well, for $180 an hour, I can cure you of being a manipulative hack and a moron. whadya say?"

she hung up on me.

raped or molested?! please, like I would hide that, me of all people! if I were a sexual abuse victim, I'd be leading the 'we were raped' parade!"

the patriot guard..

this is so fucking sick. read this article. right wing, zealot freaks!

They call themselves the Patriot Guard Riders, and they are more than 5,000 strong, forming to counter anti-gay protests held by the Rev. Fred Phelps at military funerals.

Phelps believes American deaths in Iraq are divine punishment for a country that he says harbors homosexuals. His protesters carry signs thanking God for so-called IEDs -- explosives that are a major killer of soldiers in Iraq.

The bikers shield the families of dead soldiers from the protesters, and overshadow the jeers with patriotic chants and a sea of red, white and blue flags.

"The most important thing we can do is let families know that the nation cares," said Don Woodrick, the group's Kentucky captain. "When a total stranger gets on a motorcycle in the middle of winter and drives 300 miles to hold a flag that makes a powerful statement."

At least 14 states are considering laws aimed at the funeral protesters, who at a recent memorial service at Fort Campbell wrapped themselves in upside-down American flags. They danced and sang impromptu songs peppered with vulgarities that condemned homosexuals and soldiers.

The Patriot Guard was also there, waving up a ruckus of support for the families across the street. Community members came in the freezing rain to chant "U-S-A, U-S-A" alongside them.
"This is just the right thing to do. This is something America didn't do in the '70s," said Kurt Mayer, the group's national spokesman. "Whether we agree with why we're over there, these soldiers are dying to protect our freedoms."

Shirley Phelps-Roper, a daughter of Fred Phelps and an attorney for the Topeka, Kan.-based church, said neither state laws nor the Patriot Guard can silence their message that God killed the soldiers because they fought for a country that embraces homosexuals.

"The scriptures are crystal clear that when God sets out to punish a nation, it is with the sword. An IED is just a broken-up sword," Phelps-Roper said. "Since that is his weapon of choice, our forum of choice has got to be a dead soldier's funeral."

The church, Westboro Baptist Church, is not affiliated with a larger denomination and is made up mostly of Fred Phelps' extended family members.

During the 1990s, church members were known mostly for picketing the funerals of AIDS victims, and they have long been tracked as a hate group by the Montgomery, Ala.-based Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Project.

The project's deputy director, Heidi Beirich, said other groups have tried to counter Phelps' message, but none has been as organized as the Patriot Guard.

"I'm not sure anybody has gone to this length to stand in solidarity," she said. "It's nice that these veterans and their supporters are trying to do something. I can't imagine anything worse, your loved one is killed in Iraq and you've got to deal with Fred Phelps."

Kentucky, home to sprawling Fort Campbell along the Tennessee line, was among the first states to attempt to deal with Phelps legislatively. Its House and Senate have each passed bills that would limit people from protesting within 300 feet of a funeral or memorial service. The Senate version would also keep protesters from being within earshot of grieving friends and family members.

Richard Wilbur, a retired police detective, said his Indiana Patriot Guard group only comes to funerals if invited by family. He said he has no problem with protests against the war but sees no place for objectors at a family's final goodbye to a soldier.

"No one deserves this," he said.


with myself, first, above everything else.

I dislike someone who will remain nameless more then you can possibly imagine. this person is the archetype for stupidity. I am perpetually incensed, disgusted and overwhelmed with disdain for this individual.

here's the kicker. I have SO MUCH GUILT about my disdain for this person, you couldn't possibly imagine.

I am a wretched beast.

I'm in between hair colors, so I look like I have a fuckin' swarm of goldfish swimming around the top of my head; or like I'm trying to reenact a thorn hat scene from some semicolon biblical yarn.

Oh, I'm going back to my natural hair color versus the jet hideous black I was for so long. whatever, I'm so annoyed.

I hate when people stare at me. It makes me feel annoyingly short.


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