1. an orgasm pre-sleep is always a crap shoot for a woman. it puts her out or perks her up.
3. I felt I got distracted from my hate time. so, I woke up to do a few hate exercises and bitter runs.
4. haglette the hellnine dripping in, something-died-in-his-fat-fuck-farting-ass
5. wondering how I can jump on the, I-see-dead-people, wagon and make a few bucks.
6. reading my top 10 reasons to commit suicide and realizing, I'm onto something.
7. pondering how to be a contemporary guilt dispensing weapon
8. wishing I could remember the name of that, don't-pay-the-irs-and-don't-get-penalized, book.
9. curious about how long it takes cheese to pass through your system.
10. a girl's gotta pee!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
1. an orgasm pre-sleep is always a crap shoot for a woman. it puts her out or perks her up.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:24 AM
Monday, June 26, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:12 PM
Sunday, June 25, 2006
1. to compare katie schwartz's pussy with katie schwartz's pussy
I must say, I am severely curious as to why your katie schwartz doesn't have an email address. is she food stamp poor? is she a hippie? is she opposed to advancements in technology?
- how old is katie schwartz?
- how tall is katie schwartz?
- big breasts?
- hearty laugh with the odd snicker/snort combo?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:15 PM
1. discounts on white sheets
2. uniforms with matching hats
3. stupidity is celebrated, revered and honored
4. hate and ignorance are bliss
5. you can be part of a klan... it's so b.c. it's cool
6. much like the military, there is ranking and order, but without the crazy 4 am wake up calls
7. unisex baldness is hot. how refreshing during the summer months
8. lots of brainstorming about new and innovative ways to execute hate
9. not having to think for yourself
10. you get to go to camp once a year for free!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:30 PM
1. drug addicts have much more cachet and respect than food addicts
2. you can't quit food
3. if you're a coke whore, you get real thin
4. if you're a heroin addict, you vomit every time you dose. hence, you get thin
5. a meritage of highs await
6. recovering addicts have slogans
7. alienating your family is a guilt free slam dunk
8. it's far more cool to say, I'm jonesing for an 8 ball. it's not even remotely cool to say, man, I'm gettin' the shakes. I gotta score some mac & cheese.
9. recovering addicts get cakes if they maintain sobriety for "x" amount of time
10. volatile and unpredictible mood swings that blow a writer's creative process away!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:27 AM
I can't sleep.
I think it's stress.
joni mitchell isn't helping.
love her music.
she's so 60s-feminist.
what's not to love?
before a song makes it into the katie rotation, I listen to it for three days straight.
I am hitting new lows of frustration.
a neighbor moved out.
he was weird.
such a transient building.
why are growths on the foot called, corns? it really kills the cob for me.
I weighed myself today.
that was depressing.
when someone is nervous, why do they say they are on pins on needles?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:22 AM
Saturday, June 24, 2006
my best friend is gay.
in college, I was a fag hag. but, what chubby jewgirl in pink high heels with big tits wasn't?!
I love a voracious pig bottom as much as the next butch or bear top.
I think that brokeback mountain is an exquisite, profoundly moving, and long overdue gay love story.
now... having said that...
if it were any mother fucking slower, I would've fucking shot myself in the god damned fucking head. and the whole mountain-is-the-fourth-character, thing. oh-my-god. I wanted to scream, COULD YA JUST STOP FOR FIVE MINUTES with the intensity. a lil' levity, please. I swear to god it won't kill you.
I couldn't make it to the end. I know the end. an hour into it, I was so done, I wanted to burst. it was an exhausting film. but, very important.
that's how I feel about it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:36 PM
nicole's top 5 reasons to own a cat is so funny! you have got to read it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:26 PM
Friday, June 23, 2006
I woke up an hour ago sneezing and I haven't fucking cock sucking stopped! I've taken 4 antihistamines and what am I doing? sneezing.
worse. not 10 minutes ago, my neighbor poked her head out the window and said, "can you please stop. I can't sleep!"
can I stop? um, let's see... I'll get right on that. can I stop? I'm having so much fun sneezing in 3 second intervals and blowing my nose every 1 second, that I am praying to jesus right now to see if he can make me sneeze like this AWWL THE FUCKING TIME.
I was/am so pissed, I screamed, you miserable cunt, if I could control this fucking allergy attack don't you think I would? I would love nothing more than to rip my sinuses out and shove em' down your stupid, vile throat.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:49 AM
1. no matter how many lies you tell dogs, they always believe you.
2. dog farts outrank yours in depth and quality of stench
3. if you're a white girl and you own a beige or black dog, you're an integrated family
4. you can say, "hey, quit bein' a prick, you cocksucker," and they don't get mad
5. if you're a straight girl, I suggest you buy a boy dog, it's one relationship you can't fuck up
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:48 AM
blake hardin on 8:05 PM
im new ot this website and i dont know if you can leave just a general comment about a person and not just one post, so i just came here. anyway, wow. fucking wow. i am totally blown away, not only do you have the EXACT same name as my girlfriend, you seem to act exaclty like her too. this is weird. but wow, you are fucking amazing
so, ya gonna ask ya girl to email me? there just aren't enough katie schwartz's in the world. is she a jewgirl too? spill, child, spill!
and thank you for the kind remarks... she must suck a mean cock ;0
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:39 AM
Thursday, June 22, 2006
hey, what can I say... I can't help myself.
1. can he read pussy?
2. how do you expect him to give you directions?
3. does he have blind accessories or does he have to fondle his way there?
coping by way of humor. can't knock it, can ya?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:19 PM
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
re: spawn sean:: "I get up in the morning with him and he's, like, all ready to play and stuff," Federline told Access Hollywood."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:50 PM
when you log onto your online bank account and you cover your eyes and hold your breath, terrified of what you're going to find.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:38 PM
you say to your sister:
"he thinks of himself as honey and he sends out dipped honey sticks for fat desperate bees like me when he's bored."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:36 PM
so, we got a new fagella in the building and he just LOVES HIS mid-day fuck. you should see the chicken strutting through the halls. (I'm working from home at the minute taking care of jewboy). the grunts, groans and thuds that permeate the walls... you know, I think he's an S&M daddy.
at least someone is getting cock!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:31 PM
why do people have such an issue with the curse word, cunt? which shouldn't even be a fucking curse word. it's so snarky-cunty-cutting. I just love it. cunt, cunt, cunt!
who cares anyway?! 4 people read my blog. I'm not exactly a hit online.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:29 PM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
re: nicole's comment on my cheese post:
"NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!!You are NOT giving up CHEESE!?!?!?!?!?Who will I comiserate with now that I've lost my cheese sister-wife!??!?!?"
I laughed my ass off, ahhhkay.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:11 PM
"As you go about your days, you may think to yourself, “I wonder what Lisa did in this situation?” or “I wonder what Lisa thinks about this?” or “How did Lisa handle this challenge?” If so, send me an email with that question. I will store them in a special place and occasionally I’ll pull out a topic that seems to be creeping up more often than others and simply offer my point-of-view. After all, I think that is what discipleship is all about - walking together on this parenting journey and learning things along the way. Can I join you on your journey?"
I can't tell you how much this creeps me out... scroll awwwwl the way down if you click through. but don't forget to click the pics!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:16 PM
Saturday, June 17, 2006
over the past few days something tragic has been happening. something I haven't wanted to face. hoping desperately it would pass. but, it's not passing. it's a persistent and unrelenting issue that keeps rearing its ugly head. poking and prodding like bush at a woman's right to choose.
a love affair that I have been engaged in for several years seems to be coming to a catastrophic ending. I feel lost, unsure of how I'll forge onward without the comfort and closeness we shared. my heart aches and breaks. I keep telling myself, maybe it's not really happening. maybe it's just a nightmare. keep forging onward, katie, try to keep you two together. yet, try as I might, all of the answers seem to be pointing to a break-up.
endings are devestating enough, but this one, well, this one is just riddled in angst and grief. in the hopes of trying to make sense of such a painful loss, I sat shiva today and shrouded my mirrors thinking only of the good times we shared. the love we felt for each other and how heart wrenching it is to say good-bye to such a loyal companion.
so, here is my final good-bye... to cheese. all cheese. sharp cheddar, jack, parmesean, and other italian blends, mozzarella, soft goat, cream cheese, veggie cream cheese too, brie, and of course the undiscovered cheeses. I don't even want to think about the incredible journey we might've had together.
it's time. lately the smell of cheese is nauseating and I'm not even knocked up. the taste, still divine perfection, but the smell is killing me.
good-bye dear, dear friend. thanks for the good times. I will miss you every single day. you were loved and revered by me and will always claim a space in my metaphorical heart (not arteries).
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:52 PM
Friday, June 16, 2006
"I'm not sure if I'm still married to my dominatrix circus performer or if I'm married to a famous poducer. I've had so many concussions this year and have been peed on by so many Bolsheviks I don't know what's going on."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:24 AM
"I love to kiss with my eyes open," she says, "because I can take in the entire situation and know if I'm enjoying it or not."
well, isn't this a bit of insightful-savvy trivia?!
at least now I know that during my previous make-out sessions, even though I was geting felt up or felt down, because I had my eyes closed, it just seemed like I was enjoying it. I guess I'll never really know .....
thank you, jessica.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:10 AM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
patrick henry college is the most fucked up, depressing, vile and inexcusable excuse for a university ever to be created. what this college does to young and impressionable minds defeats the entire purpose of college. this agenda pushing, rhetoric spewing 'college' is a sin.
ps: can't wait to see how many unwed mothers come out of this joint and you know, you just know kids are fuckin their straight-gay-std-pregnancy-pot smoking heads off.
Statement of Ethical Values and Standards
All Trustees, administrators, and staff of Patrick Henry College have the right, privilege, and responsibility to:
Demonstrate Christian living and obedience in personal growth, in the interactions of College life, and in dedication to Christian calling and service.
Seek an understanding and articulation of how the Word of God directs the search for truth; pursue excellence in the performance of their work; and show concern for those under their care and instruction.
Value the contributions of all members of the College community and support each other in their various tasks.
Be passionately committed to the mission, vision, and distinctives of Patrick Henry College.
Integrate a biblical worldview into all aspects of their professional lives.
Comply with policies and procedures established by the College.
Participate in endeavors for improvement of the spiritual, economic, social, and cultural life of the community, especially when they have an expertise which may make their contribution particularly valuable and when such a contribution can be made without interfering with their primary obligations at the College.
Statement of Faith
There is one God, eternally existent in three Persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship Him in Spirit and in truth.
Jesus Christ, born of a virgin, is God come in the flesh.
The Bible in its entirety (all 66 books of the Old and New Testaments) is the inspired word of God, inerrant in its original autographs, and the only infallible and sufficient authority for faith and Christian living.
Man is by nature sinful and is inherently in need of salvation, which is exclusively found by faith alone in Jesus Christ and His shed blood. **shit. I guess this means heebs are out again. fuck. fuck. fuck.**
Christ's death provides substitutionary atonement for our sins.
Personal salvation comes to mankind by grace through faith.
Jesus Christ literally rose bodily from the dead.
Jesus Christ literally will come to earth again in the Second Advent. **thanks for the heads up. would hate to not be prepared with a nosh for his arrival**
Satan exists as a personal, malevolent being who acts as tempter and accuser, for whom Hell, the place of eternal punishment, was prepared, where all who die outside of Christ shall be confined in conscious torment for eternity. **so, this is where bush is going, right? like, I shouldn't worry about his exist strategy?**
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:53 PM
you have got to read cormac's latest story. it's so engaging, so well written and so damn good!
cormac brown, arms aching
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:40 PM
"If this recipe were any more 19-fucking-50's, it would have a pack of unfiltered Kent's baked into it. " rick crowely on my mayo cake post
that is fuckin brilliant. I laughed so hard, I peed a little, and I'm still laughing. you have to run, not walk, run, like a dawg and read rick crowley's blog. he is so sick and so disturbingly funny. he's hilar squared.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:50 PM
1. the irs can't come after you for taxes
2. bush is not anywhere near, nor can he EVER come close to arriving at your heaven
3. you're eternally thin
4. you can haunt people
5. you can wear couture clothing and not have to pay for it
6. you never have to use an atm again
7. you don't have to work
8. homelessness has cachet
9. born again christian zealots are forced into slavery, or circus work
10. why not?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:55 PM
I found this online and I am mother fucking cock sucking offended by this. there is a cake that has been floating around for (apparently) 60 years with MAYONNAISE in it.
it doesn't get more wrong. ok.
chocolate mayo cake
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 1/2 cups mayonnaise
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/2 cups water
2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:52 PM
fuck this cunt whore bitch for sending me notification of a fucking multi-million dollar lotto ticket that I will never surely win!
CLAIM NO: 17940128111
RE: WINNING FINAL NOTIFICATION
GLOBAL SOFTWARE LOTTO
INTERNATIONAL PRIZE AWARD
We are pleased to inform
you of the result of the
Global Software Lotto Winners International programs held on the 14th of June, 2006. Your e-mail address attached to ticket No: 17940128111 with prize No 1581015/HL drew €750,000.00 which was first in the 2nd class of the draws. You are to receive €750,000.00(Seven Hundred And Fifty Thousand Euros).
Please be informed
that because of mix up in
cash pay-outs, we ask you to keep your
winning information confidential
until your fund ( €750,000.00) has been
fully remitted to you by our
accredited pay-point bank. This measure
must be adhered to in order to
avoid the loss of your cash prizes.
Prize-winners of our cash prizes
are advised to adhere to these
instructions to forestall the abuse of
this program by other
participants. It's important to note that this draws were conducted formally, and winners are selected through an internet ballot system from 74,000 individual and companies e-mail addresses, hence, the draws are conducted around the world through our internet based ballot system.
The promotion is sponsored and promoted by Global Software Group.We congratulate you once again. We hope you will use part of it in our next draws; the jackpot winning is €20million.
winning must be claimed not later than 25 days of this draw.
this date all unclaimed cash prize will be forfeited and included in the next sweepstake. Please, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications remember to quote your winning numbers in all correspondence with us.
again from all members of
the Global Software Lotto.
Thank you for
being part of our promotional
program. For immediate release of your
cash prize to you,please kindly
contact our processing Department with
the following information for
onward forwarding to the paying Bank:
telephones and fax numbers
Contact person:Mr. Phil
(International Processing Department).
net and firstname.lastname@example.org
Congratulations once again.
NB:CLAIM YOUR PRIZE THROUGH
ADDRESSES: email@example.com and philowens06@myway.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:49 PM
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Jerry Lewis Suffers 'Mild' Heart Attack
Wednesday Jun 14, 2006 8:15am EST
By Stephen M. Silverman
I love jerry lewis. so glad I'm not a jerry's kid... still, I thought he was one of those perpetually-dead-but-living, guys, like, john wayne, sonny bono. I had no idea jlew had a pulse. you?
Probe Finds Bogus Hurricane Aid May Top $1.4 Billion
FEMA Relief Funds Paid for Football Tickets, a Caribbean Vacation and a Divorce LawyerBy LARRY MARGASAK, AP
WASHINGTON (June 14) - The government doled out as much as $1.4 billion in bogus assistance to victims of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, getting hoodwinked to pay for season football tickets, a tropical vacation and even a divorce lawyer, congressional investigators have found.
"This is an assault on the American taxpayer. Prosecutors ... should be looking at prosecuting these crimes and putting the criminals who committed them in jail for a long time."-Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Texas
wonder what he thinks of his posse's total and absolute disregard of the katrina victims.
I also don't recall seeing his name on any type of proposal to fix the levy's he fucking KNEW were shot and worn, and in desperate need of repair pre-hurricane. yet, he expects retribution because of, once again, fema's negligence in how they appropriated 1.4 billion?!
June 14, 2006
CBS affils rebut FCC's 'Trace' fine
WASHINGTON -- CBS affiliates told the FCC that its proposal to fine stations for airing an episode of "Without a Trace" should be tossed because the complaints didn't come from real people. In a motion filed Tuesday at the commission, the affiliates argued against the complaints that resulted in a FCC proposal to levy $3.3 million in fines for CBS stations that aired the "Trace" episode. The affiliates claim that not one of the 4,211 complaints the FCC received came from any place outside "the websites operated by two advocacy groups -- the Parents Television Council and, to a much lesser extent, the American Family Association." (Brooks Boliek)
The Federal Communications Commission addressed more than 300,000 backlogged indecency complaints Wednesday, including a charge against the CBS missing-persons hit Without a Trace.
"All four big-timers--ABC, CBS, Fox and NBC--fell prey to the hunt for indecent content, with CBS leading the pack, as the FCC proposed fining the network and affiliates an unprecedented $3.63 million for a December 2004 episode of Without a Trace that featured teenagers engaging in orgy-style sexual shenanigans. The fine is to be shared by 111 CBS stations, according to Reuters."
let's hope this is the beginning of a beauuuutiful backlash against the fcc that exposes them and their sick christian cohorts as the malign, insidious and vile freaks they are.
slit on k-rash (ya know:: why brit loves her k-fed)
"he's simple and his heart is awesome"
interpretation: he does what I tell him and he's not smarter than me.
Paris Hilton says she enjoys being single
NEW YORK - Paris Hilton says she's enjoying The Single Life. Hilton, who stars in E! Entertainment Television's "The Simple Life" opposite ex-friend Nicole Richie, told "Live With Regis and Kelly" on Tuesday that she's "single for the first time" in her life.
"I always have a boyfriend all the time, so I've never really got to know me and, like, have time for myself because I spend all my energy on the boyfriend," the 25-year-old hotel heiress-actress said.
What has she learned by not having a man on her arm?
"I'm a very strong woman. I don't need a man. I can be on my own," she said.
does this really need a comment?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:59 AM
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
thin music versus fat music
some songs sound so much thinner than other songs. example: Holly Brook's song, "Still Love." this is a thin song. it makes a girl want to brood on the streets of manhattan with a hallow stomach in a belly revealing t-shirt at 6 am with a back drop of garbage trucks and cursing garbage men.
whereas, miss shoulder pads and cinched at the ankles, jeans, alannah myles song, "black velvet," is a fat song. you want to stuff your gob with pots and pots of cheese, sour cream and ice cream, listening to that tune. it conjures bingey, purgey imagery.
everyone has a guy
there are certain things that everyone you ask in the free world has a guy for. example: you need computer work done, your carpets cleaned or that thing-a-ma-jig fixed, you ever notice how everyone seems to have a guy for that. he's always the cheapest and works the fastest. by the time you turn around 15 people later, your carpets are now hardwood floors and your in receipt of a new laptop, all free.
denial. what's bad?
I was thinking the other day... denial is great. it's also free, so why is everyone pushing me out? why are they all so hell bent on me fleeing? In denial, I have such a fabulous and fulfilling life. I'm thin. I work full-time as a writer. I'm coffin free. I have no financial woes. I live back home in nyc where I belong. I am surrounded by my family and closest bestest friends. my dog has perfect knees. I date men so fabulous, I can't decide who I want to commit to so I don't bother. what gives? why is this such a horrific place to be?!
this is my new self-deprecating nickname.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:49 PM
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I was going through some essays this morning and found an essay I wrote back in 2004. how scary is it that it's still so applicable two-years later.
Nowhere in the first sentence, or throughout the entire Declaration of Independence does it say that all men, “barring homosexuals” are created equal - That said if anyone was hip to homos, it was Jefferson. After all, he was bending the wife of France’s foremost artist, Richard Cosway. And in the event, one pious zealot or another chooses to wail, “Our Creator defines homosexuality as a sin.” I have this to say, with all of the perks so many religions are now offering; the competition for parishioners is fierce. Is it really wise to alienate such a diverse voting population?
The Constitution was written to insure the preservation of independence, equality and freedom for every American. Yet, Bush, who, by the way has single handedly motivated me to wax completely, is proposing we forego the institution this great country was founded upon so he can include a ban against gay marriage. Bravo, Bush, you’ve managed to steal the presidency, destroy our economy, kill and wound our soldiers, alienate the U.N., limit stem cell research, a woman’s right to choose and plummet our morale – And miraculously, all with incoherent boldness and in the name of JESUS.
If that weren’t enough, Freedom of Speech, an evident thorn in unintelligible Bush’s side warrants Federal Government intervention to castrate and exterminate those with a different voice than his own. That’s the spirit, Bushalicious. Lasso em’ in – Show em’ whose boss…
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness apply to homosexuals. Like it or not, it’s the 60’s all over again. A social uprising amongst a community of beloved, proud, tax paying Americans who are standing up and claiming what is rightfully theirs. Instead of longhaired hippies, they come in drag waving the flag! Hallelujah –
I’ve been married and divorced. I plan to do both again, several times. In fact, I aspire to have a divorce lawyer on retainer. While state marital laws differ, we can all agree that he/she who has the most money will pay. The downside, individual debt becomes community debt. From an economic standpoint, that debt has a much greater chance of being paid through marriage. Unwanted children increase their opportunity of being adopted. Granted they won’t grow up in a home as dysfunctional as the president’s, but there’s always hope.
Another Bush agenda is the preservation of family values. Let me get this straight, defending the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman safeguards family values how? While marriage rose slightly after 9/11, on the whole, 43% of new marriages end in divorce. Every 10 seconds a report against child abuse is made. 50% of all women experience some form of violence from their spouses during marriage. Single parent families’ account for 28%, traditional families at 7% and the total married people in the U.S. today is 59%. In 1970, it was 72%. With statistics like that, which exclude homosexuals, I can see why denying gay men and lesbians their basic civil and human right is of paramount importance. The idea of newlyweds purchasing homes, raising children, promoting family values and contributing to the economic growth in this country is downright blasphemous.
I can’t help but wonder what Bush would do if one of his daughters called him and exultantly bellowed, “Dad, I’m a dyke – A lesbian. I eat pussy and I’ve fallen in love with an African American, Spanish Catholic-Jewish activist named, Esperanza Williamoskowitz.”
In theory, a parent wants their children to be happy. Could Bush look his daughter in the eye and tell her she’s not entitled to the same equality that heterosexuals are? Would he willfully declare the fruit of his loins a sub-class American citizen? Cheney does, but what about Bush?
The Statue of Liberty, our symbol of freedom
“Send us your tired, hungry and oppressed masses and we shall give them refuge and hope and restore their dignity.”
Not, “Send us your heterosexual ONLY…” This nation was built on the backs of oppressed foreigners who fled to America in search of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Sad, isn’t it, gays and lesbians are touted as equal, yet remain the embodiment of oppression.
And finally, when doing something in the name of Jesus, remember, this altruistic philosopher saved a whore from being stoned to death…
So, what is it we’re really saying?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:02 AM
Friday, June 09, 2006
you know that lyric, "we built this city on rock and roll" :: I used to change it to, "we built this city on cock and soul."
you know that song, "silent night" specifically the lyric, "round yon virgin mother and child" :: I always thought the lyric was, "brown young virgin so tender and wild."
duh, schwartz. like some fuckin pedophile wrote that christmas jingle. not to rain on anyone's parade, but a nazi did write the wedding march, sp it could happen.
when I think of more shameful admissions. ok, so they're on the top of my head at all times. whatever. I need to take a shower.
what do we think of this slang, pussy fur?
it made me fall out, yo.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:03 PM
I have epic menstrual cramps. I am in agonizing pain, hostage to my ovum traveling at the speed of light through my womb and exiting with great fervor through my vaginal canal.
so, I read people online today to take the edge off.
the subtext of this photo.
we all see it on her face, right?
"you belong to me now. period (no pun intended). look what I did for you. I own you. this blows a tatt away."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:52 PM
cormac brown (aka) write procrastinator, one of my favorite writers, spins such visually delicious yarns. you've got to check out his latest piece. it's sooo romantic and mysterious.
run. read. now. like a dawg.
he said little as they paddled their way along the sunken streets
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:38 PM
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Tenfold hike in indecency fines OK'd by Congress
By Brooks BoliekWASHINGTON --
Congress gave overwhelming approval Wednesday to legislation that will make broadcasters pay exponentially more for airing racy material the FCC considers indecent.
In a 379-35 vote, the U.S. House of Representatives sent the Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act to President Bush for his signature. The legislation raises the maximum indecency fine the commission can levy from $32,500 to $325,000 per incident.
Bush said he looked forward to signing the legislation into law."I believe that government has a responsibility to help strengthen families," he said in a statement.
"This legislation will make television and radio more family-friendly by allowing the FCC to impose stiffer fines on broadcasters who air obscene or indecent programming."
While the legislation faced little opposition in Congress, there were lawmakers who expressed concern that the bill goes too far."
What is at stake here is freedom of speech and whether it will be nibbled to death by election-minded politicians and self-righteous Pietists," Rep. Gary Ackerman, D-N.Y., said.
He recalled how after the Super Bowl halftime incident, numerous ABC affiliates refused to air the acclaimed war movie "Saving Private Ryan" because of its rough language.
But House Energy and Commerce Committee chairman Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas, said broadcasters have gone too far."
It is time that we reclaim America's airwaves for decency, and this bill is a firm message that we have had enough," he said.
The debate over broadcast indecency has heated and cooled over the years, but Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" that bared her breast during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show caused lawmakers to vow to do something about it. The commission recently denied a petition of reconsideration from CBS Corp.-owned stations facing $550,000 in fines over the incident.
Even without the legislation, the commission has stepped up enforcement, with total fines jumping from $440,000 in 2003 to almost $8 million in 2004.The agency recently handed down its biggest fine against CBS and its affiliates for an episode of the series "Without a Trace." If all the fines were paid, it would cost the network $3.6 million.
The National Association of Broadcasters said it would prefer to see the nation's 13,000 radio stations and 1,700 TV stations police themselves. "The NAB position is that we think responsible self-regulation is preferable to government regulation in areas of program content," spokesman Dennis Wharton said.But Parents Television Council, an aggressive critic of indecency on the public airwaves, praised Congress for listening to Americans "fed up with the sexually raunchy and gratuitously violent content that's broadcast over the public airwaves, particularly during hours when millions of children are in the viewing audience."
The PTC has been the most active organization demanding action at the FCC, as its supporters have filed the vast majority of indecency complaints at the agency.Since the 2004 Super Bowl incident, many broadcasters voluntarily have policed their broadcasts through means like five-second delays on live broadcasts.
As defined by the FCC and the courts, material is indecent if it "in context depicts or describes sexual or excretory activities or organs in a patently offensive manner as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium."
While obscene speech has no constitutional protection, indecent speech does. It can be aired from 10 p.m.-6 a.m. -- when few children are in the audience.FCC chairman Kevin Martin welcomed the new authority."Today's vote demonstrates that Congress shares their concern and has a clear desire for a more meaningful enforcement of our decency standard," he said. "The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act gives the commission more tools to enable parents to watch television and listen to radio as a family."
Martin also used the vote to pitch his plan to force cable operators to offer programming on an a la carte basis. Cable and satellite programming are exempted from the indecency statutes.Martin contends that giving parents the power to receive a pay-only for channels they want will give them the ability to keep undesirable programming out of their homes."
I believe that concerns regarding content should be addressed in a comprehensive fashion by empowering parents to choose the programming that comes into their homes," he said.While Martin's view has its detractors, it got a boost from Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., on Wednesday.
McCain introduced legislation that would give multichannel video providers a series of incentives that would lower their costs if they provide a la carte program choices.
Currently, many cable and satellite services offer a "family-friendly" tier and allow customers to block programming, though the cost of the blocked channels are not deducted from cable bills. New TVs also include the V-chip program-blocking technology.
Martin said he supports McCain's legislation, though approval of the bill is unlikely with the short time remaining in this Congress.
This is disgusting and so depressing! It's wrong on every level. The definition of inapropriate and obscene is not clearly spelled out - obviously - why? It's subjective. You idiot-assholic-morons who voted for bush are KILLING freedom of speech. Shame on you!
You have a remote control! Use it. How dare the government decide what is appropriate for me to watch on television. Fuckin zealot christian sickos learn to click!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:57 AM
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
if I could create and dispense email addresses for political figures and celebrities, here is what they would be:
george bush: firstname.lastname@example.org
paris hilton: email@example.com
nicole ritchie: firstname.lastname@example.org
donald rumsfeld: email@example.com
dick cheney: firstname.lastname@example.org
anne coulter: email@example.com
britney spears: firstname.lastname@example.org
jessica simpson: email@example.com
ashlee simpson: firstname.lastname@example.org
michael jackson: email@example.com
denise richards: firstname.lastname@example.org
bill clinton: email@example.com
jan crouch: firstname.lastname@example.org
pat robertson: email@example.com
oral roberts: firstname.lastname@example.org
tom cruise: email@example.com
mel gibson: firstname.lastname@example.org
dr. phil: email@example.com
guest submissions welcome! come on, peeps. the below are from my besty, paint pusher
Condoleeza Rice: firstname.lastname@example.org
Arnold Schwarzenegger: email@example.com
Tom Cruise: firstname.lastname@example.org
Pat Robertson: email@example.com
Donald Trump: firstname.lastname@example.org
Hilary Clinton: email@example.com
**let the record show that i LOVE hil's politics and think she's fab-fab-fab. so, if I were to write hil's email address it would be::
hilary clinton: so-I-eat-pussy-Im-Afirstname.lastname@example.org
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:24 PM
in fact, I am now launching the spammy awards. please submit your award winning spams to: katie for best spam of 2006. although, I do believe the below spam is going to absolutely win spammy of the year!!
My name is Mrs. Fatima Sheikh, widow to late Mr. Abdullah Sheikh, former owner of Petroleum andGas Company, here in Kuwait, I am 68years old, suffering from long time cancer of the breast.
From all indications my condition is really Deteriorating, and it's quite obvious that I won't live more than 2 months according to my doctors, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage, I don't want your pity, but i need your trust.
My late husband died early last year from heart attack, and during the period of our marriage we couldn't produce any child, my late husband was very wealthy, and after his death, I inherited all his business and wealth,The doctor has advised me that I will not live for more than 2 months, so I have now decided to spread all my wealth, to contribute mainly to the development of charity in Africa, America, Asia and Europe.
I'm m sorry if you are embarrassed by my mai. I found your e-mail address in the web directory, and I have decided to contact you.
But if for any reason you find this mail offensive, you can ignore it and please accept my apology.
Before my late husband died he was a major oil tycoon, in Kuwait and deposited the sum of 25million dollars (Twenty Five million dollars) in a company in South Africa some years ago.
thats all I have left now, I need you to collect this funds and distribute it yourself to charity.
So that when I die my soul can rest in peace, the funds will be entirely in hands and management, I hope God gives you the wisdom to touch very many lives that is my main concern. 20% of this money will be for your time and effort, while 80% goes to charity.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:57 PM
Brin says Google compromised principles
By TED BRIDIS, Associated Press Writer Tue Jun 6, 10:47 PM ET
WASHINGTON - Google Inc. co-founder Sergey Brin acknowledged Tuesday the dominant Internet company has compromised its principles by accommodating Chinese censorship demands. He said Google is wrestling to make the deal work before deciding whether to reverse course.
Meeting with reporters near Capitol Hill, Brin said Google had agreed to the censorship demands only after Chinese authorities blocked its service in that country. Google's rivals accommodated the same demands — which Brin described as "a set of rules that we weren't comfortable with" — without international criticism, he said.
"We felt that perhaps we could compromise our principles but provide ultimately more information for the Chinese and be a more effective service and perhaps make more of a difference," Brin said.
Brin also addressed Internet users' expectations of privacy in an era of increased government surveillance, saying Americans misunderstand the limited safeguards of their personal electronic information.
"I think it's interesting that the expectations of people with respect to what happens to their data seems to be different than what is actually happening," he said.
Google has battled the U.S. Justice Department in court seeking to limit the amount of information the government can get about users' Internet searches. It also says it has not participated in any programs with the National Security Agency to collect Internet communications without warrants.
Google's free e-mail service is among the Internet's most popular.
Brin visited Washington to ask U.S. senators to approve a plan that would prevent telephone and cable companies from collecting premium fees from companies such as Google, Microsoft and Yahoo! for faster delivery of their services. Brin, dressed casually in jeans, sneakers and a black sport jacket, said he wasn't sure whether he changed any lawmakers' minds.
Google's China-approved Web service omits politically sensitive information that might be retrieved during Internet searches, such as details about the 1989 suppression of political unrest in Tiananmen Square. Its agreement with China has provoked considerable criticism from human rights groups.
"Perhaps now the principled approach makes more sense," Brin said. The Paris-based group Reporters Without Borders said Tuesday that Google's main Web site, http://www.google.com, was no longer accessible in most Chinese provinces due to censorship efforts, and that it was completely inaccessible throughout China on May 31.
Brin said Google is trying to improve its censored search service, Google.cn, before deciding whether to reverse course. He said virtually all the company's customers in China use the non-censored service.
"It's perfectly reasonable to do something different, to say, 'Look, we're going to stand by the principle against censorship and we won't actually operate there.' That's an alternate path," Brin said. "It's not where we chose to go right now, but I can sort of see how people came to different conclusions about doing the right thing."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:07 AM
Monday, June 05, 2006
this is brilliant!!! standing ovation brilliant, ahhhkay!
Huffington Post 6/1/06
Philip Slater: Wed May 31, 4:38 PM ET
Thoughtful Americans have long wondered how it is that fundamentalist Christians--followers of someone who preached pacifism and tolerance--became the poster boy for hate speech, touting "moral values" indistinguishable from those of the Taliban. They wonder why, for example, fundamentalist Christians so seldom quote from the New Testament--which is supposedly what Christianity is all about--but prefer citing the Torah and Old Testament prophets.
One reason is that the Old Testament is full of murder, vindictiveness, and genocide--all supposedly ordered by God. So when fundamentalists want a Biblical excuse for hate speech and hate crimes--which they seem to need with considerable frequency--they turn to Old Testament sources.
Christian homophobes, for example, carry signs saying 'God hates fags', which they justify by claiming that Leviticus 18:22 (condemning male homosexuality as "abomination") is the 'word of God'. Yet more than a third of the entire book of Leviticus is devoted to God's detailed instructions on the proper manner of making burnt offerings of animals to Him. (The rest deals with keeping Jewish dietary laws, avoiding pollution from inadvertent contact with menstruating women, forbidding haircuts and beard trimming, justifying slavery, and saying anyone who swears should be stoned to death). Why doesn't God hate those who fail to make offerings in the exact manner He so carefully spelled out in chapter after chapter? Since fundamentalists feel comfortable ignoring 95% of the 'word of God' in Leviticus, why have they latched onto this isolated phrase? If "God hates fags", then God must feel positively murderous toward people who don't make burnt offerings of animal carcasses in the precise manner so carefully indicated, and in such extreme detail. (God must also hate people who eat lobster, shrimp and pork, which are also "abominations" according to Leviticus).
It's startling, in fact, how rarely fundamentalist Christians mention the sayings of Jesus. 'Morality' to them means the sexual inhibitions of ancient Middle Eastern patriarchies. They seem to be nostalgic for the pruderies of the 1950s, when the Hays office decreed that movies couldn't show pajama-clad married couples in bed together lest it incite teenage moviegoers to fornication. This obsession with sexuality is surprising, since Jesus seemed to have very little interest in the topic. In the four Gospels there are only four statements about sexuality, and these deal with adultery and divorce rather than sex per se. That is, with relationships--with causing injury to another.
Compare this with the nineteen statements Jesus makes about the importance of giving, and the value of divesting oneself of money and possessions. Yet we seldom hear fundamentalist Christians saying it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. Or quoting the ten statements exhorting us to turn the other cheek--a Christian idea that seems to be anathema to hate-filled fundamentalists.
The Bible becomes the 'Word of God' when a bigot wants to use it to bludgeon his neighbor, and a mere archaic relic when it would be inconvenient for him to take it seriously. Fundamentalists of all persuasions--Christian, Muslim, Jewish--often manage to find some sort of backing for their hatreds in their sacred texts; for these texts were written in societies that were misogynistic, militaristic, and rigidly authoritarian--written, furthermore, by men who believed the earth was flat.
The reason why so many fundamentalist Christians are so notoriously "unChristian" is simple: for the majority of Christians (Quakers are among many notable exceptions) Christianity isn't about the teachings of Jesus, and never was. The early church fathers knew that Jesus' rather Buddhist message of nonviolence and voluntary poverty wouldn't fly in the Graeco-Roman world, let alone in the Middle East. The idea of a Redeemer on the other hand--someone who would voluntarily sacrifice Himself for humanity and their sins--was very popular. Instead of having to give up their worldly goods and espouse non-violence, all the Romans had to do was believe in the miraculous stories surrounding Jesus' birth and death, which was easy for them, since such stories had been told about pagan gods and heroes and were already familiar.
Christianity as it exists among fundamentalists isn't about behaving like Jesus. It's all about faith--about believing the story. The underlying message seems to be: you can behave any way you want as long as you believe the story and say you're sorry before you die. Following the teachings of Jesus is much too demanding, whereas with the Christianity of fundamentalists all you have to do is shut your mind off.
There ought to be a term that would designate those who actually follow the teachings of Jesus, since the word "Christian" has been largely divorced from those teachings, and so polluted by fundamentalists that it has come to connote their polar opposite: intolerance, vindictive hatred, and bigotry.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:44 PM
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Bush backs federal marriage amendment
"Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and a wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society," Bush said in his Saturday radio address. "Marriage cannot be cut off from its cultural, religious and natural roots without weakening this good influence on society."
our bush... he's so brilliant, isn't he? who isn't proud of bush's politics and presidential prowess?! I mean, wow. of course it's an absolute fact that the welfare of children rests in the hands of a man and woman being married. duh! these male-female marriages are a terrific influence on society and provide children with epic stability.
it's not like a hefty percentage of kids who come from heterosexual marriages have and continue to be victimized by verbal / physical abuse, alcoholism, and sexual abuse.
only 40% of marriages end in divorce. plus, men and women can get married and divorced without restrictions.
gee, I wonder why bush never talks about the rate of child abuse by race:
White = 51% (if I could make this flash and pop like neon on every mirror bushy reveres himself in, I would. I would. I would!)
African American = 25%
Hispanic = 15%
American Indian/Alaska Natives = 2%
Asian/Pacific Islanders = 1%
"Sadly, President Bush is playing election-year politics with this divisive issue," the Rev. Barry W. Lynn, executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, said Friday. "He is shamelessly using this ploy to energize his right-wing base. We should never rewrite the Constitution to ensuring intolerance."
hit the rev's site, and get involved in prohibiting this blatant act of discrimination. that link will take you right to the messages you need to copy and paste, and submit!
"The amendment would prohibit states from recognizing same-sex marriages. To become law, the proposal would need two-thirds support in the Senate and House, and then would have to be ratified by at least 38 state legislatures."
it's always so refreshing when you see a democratic nation not just endorsing gay bashing, but encouraging others to join in the fun!
"Bush said there is broad consensus in America to protect the institution of marriage."
really? that's so funny because I just took about three polls online at aol.com, msn.com and yahoo.com, and according to those polls, 40-47% of americans don't support signing, sealing and banning gay marriage.
dip shit. that's what bush is, and a vile, inhumane christian zealot with a fierce agenda to eradicate the constitution at every turn. he seeks to control the nation and turn it into a god fearing land of freaks just like him.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:56 AM
at least I logged a few hours of sleep. I can claim that, which is a good thing. insomnia sucks so hard.
I was talking to my dad the other day about louie jew and he asked me how much his surgery was. I told him that with everything, including the vet visit to find out he needed the tplo surgery was, $4,500. here is the conversation:
dad: (in a snarky wise ass tone) why didn't you just put him down?
katie: when you needed open heart surgery, did I say, let's just put him down? no! gaaahhhd.
dad/katie: eruption of laughter ensues.
I sleep with the kitchen light on every single night for two of the most neurotic reasons known to man.
#1) I am terrified I will walk into the kitchen and see creepy crawly cock-sucking-roaches, which I don't even have in the first place. but, for some queer ass reason, I am convinced the light keeps them away.
#2) I fear that louie needs a path to see where his water bowl is. because it's not like he's operating on thousands of years of scent... dumb ass that I am.
it is hotter than a hooker's pussy out here. too hot to breathe. too hot to move. too hot to live. imagine living inside a working girl's twat, that's what it's like outside, un-fucking-bearable.
I need some dental work, a cleaning, a few silver to clear fillings replaced. that's next month's, katie's going into hock, adventures.
one of my oldest and closest male friends always refers to eating pussy as flossing his teeth. even though he REFUSES to dine on an unshaven y. he's so brooklyn.
I could go and try to make myself horizontal, but I'm not tired.
I'll give it a whirl. what's it going to hurt, right? right.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:46 AM
Saturday, June 03, 2006
this week one of my oldest and bestest friends who I've known for 25-years, called me. the conversation went like this:
l: kates, I'm bisexual.
k: good for you, you ambisextrous diva. is this a new noshing interest or have you always been keen on pussy and just never told me?
l: no. it's new.
k: care to elaborate?
l: this past year I've developed an attraction to women. last weekend when I went out with some girlfriends, this hot blonde approached me and was flirting with me. next thing you know, we're on her bed 69'ng.
k: I see. was there a working up to this (phase) or did you just mainline the taco?
l: I went straight for the pussy.
k: hey, you know what you want and you're not afraid to go for it. I think it's great. so, are you's two dating?
l: no. just fucking. I'm addicted to her.
k: this surprises you, miss ocd?!
the rest of the conversation would just bore you....
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:06 PM
today, I been doin' some thinking. I'm not a proponent of thinking or reading. both squeeze me up inside my head and spin me.
the cliche, knowledge is power. for some, sure, but for me, it's a curse. seeing as I can't live without either, there's no question that I am, on some level, a voracious-hedonistic-submissive-bottom. everyone's got a shortcoming.
it was the clog in my sink and buying extra-strength draino that got me to thinking. I chose the buchest strength they had. I dumped the entire bottle into my sink and watched the gel sift through the water and bubble at the drain.
an hour later when I returned to the sink, it was empty, so I turned on the hot water faucet and ran it hard. I watched the water effortlessly slide down the drain and erase the memory of being clogged.
and, I thought, outside of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and mood stabilizers, which I don't need, it's too bad there isn't a draino to erase the tiresome issues that burden me. how great would it be to have a brain flap that slides open, revealing a chute for mind draino.
let's face it, people, I'm onto something HUGE.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:47 PM
I was thinking... I have so many queer ass nicknames for my dog.
here's the list:
haglette the hellnine
shagaboombas (that's one of my best friend's nickname for louie)
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:21 AM
Friday, June 02, 2006
if I don't stop sneezing and harkin and shmarkin, I'm gonna rip the sinuses right out of my mother fuckin cock suckin head. (oh, the ironies)
I called my allergist and asked him if he could do a sinusectamy. apparently you need your sinuses. whatever. do you honestly think I'd miss sneezing?
I have been up since 4AM sneezing like it's the last fucking time my nose will EVER have the opportunity to sneeze.
do allergies fall under the stigmata umbrella? would be nice to benefit from said sneeze fests.
I've got antihistamines strapped to my body at all times and no matter how many I pop, I still can't stop sneezing. If one more god damned mud fucking hippy suggests thistle berry, I'm going to scream.
I didn't know that gout was caused by eating rich foods. I collect archie comic books. mr. weatherbee's got it something awful.
cormac brown has a very funny short essay about the spider protocol in his house. he doesn't whack them. read it.
I wonder if I would've made a good dominatrix. I hear there's big money in domination. like I couldn't get my swirl on being a pushy pain in the ass?! hi! that's the chewey jewey way. what's bad:
- get your ass in the closet and stay there!
- clean my house!
- menstruate on my behalf. oh, what's that, pussy boy, you can't? well, someone better find the way and fast!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:29 AM
Thursday, June 01, 2006
LOS ANGELES (June 1) - Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle in TV's "Saved By the Bell," has sued The National Enquirer for libel over an article that included claims she had a drug problem.
The suit, which seeks unspecified damages, was filed Tuesday in Superior Court.
The suit says Voorhies, whom it describes as a "famous and popular actress," lost several "potential acting and hosting jobs" after the tabloid published a June 2005 article that said she was hospitalized for a cocaine addiction.
since when is a drug problem a career killer? can you say, robert downey jr, charles bukowski, elvis presley, kate moss and... am I leaving anyone out? oh, that's right, 60% of hollywood. bad katie.
if I were her, I wouldn't want to go back to waiting tables either.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:30 PM
dc comics is launching a lesbian bat woman. that is fan-fuckin-tastic! I've called every queen I know to congratulate them. oh to be animated.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:39 PM
it's no secret that I've become obsessed with christian homeschool families and zealot christians. I'm writing a super dark comedy about it. hey, at least I know it had a purpose in my life. gaahhhd?!
in the meantime, during my online travels, I happened upon, hal lindsey, divine oracle, and this article about his show, the international intelligence briefing being canceled from tbn. he knew it was coming because god told him satan was about to launch a grand scale attack on his supreme high-ugliness. Apparently, halolicious was not reporting accurate news, and speaking too highly o' the heebs and spouting anti-muslim rhetoric at the speed of light.
so, I decided to email him about his tbn suspends iib post:
But you aren't reporting the truth, Hal, anymore than TBN is. You give food, clothing and a roof to the desperate poor international communities in exchange for a commitment to Christianity. What you practice is extortion and intolerance; a total lack of respect and regard to cultures with thousands of years of history and beauty. It is unconscionable and reprehensible. Sadly, it is you and your zealot brothers and sisters who are, as you say, Lucifer.
Shame on you and everything you stand for. You represent the ugliest and worst aspect of freedom of speech and the American dream.
My wish for you is enlightenment, awareness and tolerance.
Thank God you are off the air. God willing TBN will not be far behind.
after I sent that, sure, I felt better. but I got to thinking... how cruel of me not to also email tbn. I would hate to make jan crouch (has her own website) feel left out or anyone else from trinity disgusting network.
so, I sent this lil' note along:
In response to taking Hal off the air. Bravo! But, much like your colleague, Hal, my only hope is that TBN is not far behind. You are equally corrupt. One of your many sins: you give food, clothing and a roof to the desperate poor international communities in exchange for a commitment to Christianity. What you practice is extortion and intolerance; a total lack of respect and regard to cultures with thousands of years of history and beauty. It is unconscionable and reprehensible. Sadly, it is you and your zealot brothers and sisters who are, as you say, the devil.
Shame on you and everything you stand for. You represent the ugliest and worst aspect of freedom of speech and the American dream.
My wish for you is enlightenment, awareness and tolerance.
God willing TBN will be off the air and exposed for the thieves you are.
ok, so there's crossover... it's not like it's NOT worth repeating!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:56 PM