Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Thrill of Insomnia

I was having a conversation with a very dear friend today and one of the things we discussed, I'm paraphrasing, was the concept that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences. I've always been conflicted about those two ideas.

Often, I wonder, If I am in charge of my own destiny, why would I choose to derail myself with Graves' disease? Then I back flip and ask myself, If I'm not in charge of my destiny, why was this placed in my life? After yet another back flip, I ask, How can I control IT instead of IT controlling me? As you can see, I still haven't answered my own damn questions and remain conflicted.

In my opinion, I don't believe we create illness. I don't think we ask for illness to overtake our bodies and shift the course of our lives. I don't think illness serves a greater good. Just as I don't think there's an upside to death. Losing someone you love is horrific, full stop. Admittedly, I am the worst at facing death head on and saying "Hi there. How ya doin'? Thanks for your time and for stopping by. You took my beloved. That's cool. Carry on. Have fun together. I'll catch ya later."

No, no, no. I hang on too tight. I haven't made peace with who I've lost. I do regard this as a shortcoming, definitely, and as a lack of maturity, perhaps. I am learning how to create a better relationship with death. However, I'm not sure I'll ever get to that zenny higher self, higher-whatever-the-fuck, place. I'm not being pessimistic, on the contrary. I'm selfish. I want who I love to be here with me, not there, wherever you regard there as being. I want to see, touch, feel and smell the people I love as often as possible. I can be cunty in that regard.

I do think we have choices about how we manage what we can't control. As my mother incessantly drills into my head process, process, process. She would be right. Managing choices is a process. Speaking for myself, when I was first diagnosed with Graves' disease and how I am dealing with it today aren't yet night and day, but there is a recent marked difference. I attribute that to Shrinktail, time, frustration and genuine support from the people who know me and love me.

So, back to my original questions, does it boil down to faith? And, if it does, what if faith in myself, in God and in people has been provoked to the point of what feels like delirium? Then what? If faith doesn't factor into the equation, what do I believe?

Wait. Gaaahd, I'm thinking. Geez Louise, give a girl 5-minutes, wouldjya?
Can I pee first? The walk will do me good.
Fine. Fine. Fine.

I'm back.

I do not think everything happens for a reason. From a purely scientific perspective, it's illogical. As Bukowski wrote, What matters most is how well we walk through the fire, essentially, managing what crosses our path. To that end, there is always an opportunity to take what we're confronted with and learn from it, I think. As for faith... it's on the mend, I hope.


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