Friday, February 10, 2006

define appropriate

I take my dog to this kick ass patch of grass in, too much money and too much time (beverlyhills), sometimes. this afternoon, that's where we went.

on the way out there's this gas station that I stop at to hose louie off. he loves it.
so there I am hosing louie. kid's havin' a ball. he's panting. he's drooling. he's in full canine bliss.

this car black car rolls up, so big and so money, like I never seen in my life. a man in an outfit gets out of the drivers seat and opens the passenger car door.

louie's now horizontal on the pavement and I'm pouring water in his mouth and hosing him off like a flower bed.

back to the passenger. she pours out of the car like evian water, cool and crisp. Draped in, let's-play-how-many-south-africans-died-for those diamonds. she was in her 70s and had a severe face lift. I'm sure she just finished lunching with the ladies and cross referencing bank accounts.

before strolling over she snapped her fingers and the hose went off. louie and I both stared blankly at the hose, then at her, then back to the hose.

the suit walked with her towards me.

she said, "girl, I'm sure the owners of that majestic beast would hardly appreciate seeing him in this paltry, unkempt condition."


I said, "honey. girl is the owner of this majestic beast. does he look unhappy to you?"

she looks at louie. louie looks at me, smiles and we both look at her.

"well, this is hardly appropriate."

"hosing my dog at a gas station or hosing my dog?" I was dying to hear her comeback.

"you are bringing shame to your family."

is that hilar or is that hilar.

I was so mad, I said, "listen, miss judgment. I come from a very respectable family in queens, ok, so that's an oxymoron, and if I could crack open a fire hydrant and follow in my great grandfather's footsteps, I would. so, why don't you get in your overpriced car and go back to minding your over-financed business. CAPISCE?!"

well, she laughed so hard, she nearly split a seam.

and all of a sudden this broad asks, "middle village?"

how did she know?

we became fast friends. turns out, she's a pretty cool dame.


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