You know how OCD I am about Coco's cavernous taco. Oy, how can you not feel badly for her split knish? Vadge handlers, can you imagine the ahj? This weekend, they were out in grand style. Coco's taco really made the rounds. They were seen here and here and here and here. The only time her vagina gets a reprieve is when she's in a dress.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:24 PM
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I'll be dipped in Jesus' shit, I think the Christian site I'm way OCD about broke the fuck up with me. I am hoppin' fuckin' mad. That's not right. It's the holidays. Either you break up with someone a month before Thanksgiving or after the first week of January. That's a break-up rule. Not to mention the fact that it's very anti-Christian. What if I was on the road to redemption?! What about my soul? Has she no interest in salvaging that?! Mother fucker.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Here's a sampling of the below video.... Do not get comfy. Seek only to be filled by Jesus. Don't be a friend of the world, that's adultery. Only be friends with God. If you listen to Jesus, you can't be co-opted. Don't put a crippled lamb on the alter. Man up. When he forgives us, he forgets we whacked him. That Jesus is such a mensch. Stop playing footsie with other religions. If you preach self-help and someone drops dead without optioning into J's program. Their blood is on your hands. Make sure other people are comfy. Tickle their ears. Try to help God along. Don't get twitchy, he's coming. Chill. Watch it.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
My sister and I schlepped to the Beverly Hills AT&T / Cingular store today to get her an iphone. We've banned the other locations closest to us because of their dead dog jokes.
Ker is "i" obsessed these days. It started with an ipod 3 months ago. A month ago, she broke up with PC and bought a Macbook. She's now a no-joke igirl.
Anywho, as we were heading into the store, we noticed a stream of people leaving the Episcopalian church across the way and can I just tell you that I had no idea what great racks Episcopalian birds have. It's unbelievable or it's just Beverly Hills. These blond broads hiked up their hooters, their skirts and broke out their deepest v-necks for Jesus. I nevah saw such a thing.
When my people go to shul, we don't usually inject silicon into our lips and slut-up for God. I guess episkys do, which, if you think about it, is kind of a refreshing change from the prairie muffin crew.
I need to stop blogging now and write. Must focus.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Go GodTube, Go. Smooth move telling these beautiful voracious bottoms to be and gorgeous lesbian divas eager to come out, how very wrong they are for knowing in their hearts and souls they are gay. Good job. Good job. Good job.
For the love of God, if I mean anything to you at all, I beg you to watch this. It is so fucking funny. It's also sick and wrong on several if not all levels. It's how they indoctrinate children into going zealy nuts. Josh let his friend die before sharing the one thing he could.... his personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
This morning when I was cruising the news, I saw this video of cats being cloned to glow in the dark. That's cruel, offensive and deeply disturbing. Call me stupid, but why is it that cats need to glow in the dark? This qualifies as a noteworthy scientific endeavor because?!?!?!?
Saturday, December 08, 2007
One of my bottles of perfume came five minees ago. I am so over the moon, I could scream. This week, I went on a scent tear and bought a few bottles of my favorite scents. New York by Nicolai is a scent that I haven't been able to find for ages. I found it at (I hate lame irony) LuckyScent. What's fabby about this particular scent is how frequently it changes throughout the day. It's damn sexy and worth every penny, children. PS: It's great for men and women.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I know that we all feel great disdain for the anti-Semite, sugar tits inventor, smell shitson. This, we all agree on. That said, let's not forget the stud that is David' O'Hara from Braveheart. This man in that movie with his full beard sent my vulva lips deranged. You wouldn't want him to take up residence between your legs? Are you retarded?! Come on... You know you want him, too.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
- danny bonaduce penis and danny bonaduce's penis: One post and now I'm the bondaduce teen peen queen?!
- coco fishnet and coco fishnet dress: I post about her split knish, not her fishnets
- vintage pussy: vinty whore, yes. geriatric porn fan, no.
- christian domestic discipline: OCD about that, sweetie
- john mayer jewish: Is he one of us?
- Katie Schwartz: I would hope so. I'm disappointed nobody searched for cunt and found my blog.
- thyroid: Good. Good. Really good.
- pussy eating contest: wrong blog. I run vadgelip contests
Thank you all so much for your incredible kindness, support and generosity. Ah, ya's had me kvelly and teary with your wonderful comments and delishmails. A million thanks just doesn't cut it. Dildos? Vibrators? Cock rings? I guess a fruit basket won't make the cut after that, huh?! THANK YOU!!!
Friday, November 16, 2007
So.So.So. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what?! I'M A FORTHCOMING TITLE. I've never been a forthcoming title. It's fuckin' tits, ahhhhkay. My essay collection is being published in the spring of 08' by So New Media, Amy Guth's publisher. It gets bettah, BFF Amy Guth is EDITING MY BOOK. I know! Are you plotzing and kvelling?! ME TOO. I'm beside myself. Don't ask. It's positively the most wonderful thing in the world. I am so excited. This Jewbroad is the luckiest dame on the planet.
Guthy, thank you for bringing my collection to ya publisher and fah being the menschiest of menschy dames and oy where do I begin?!
Crionaberry, we discussed... you know, my sweet.
Thank you to the most supportive and divine writerly writer friends and fellow bloggers. Ah, you just don't know. When times are shitty, ya's are there. When they're great, you're there, too. You're the best community I have ever known. If I could stuff ya's inside my womb and show you how much I appreciated you, I would. But, you'd have to fly in via my cunt. I say that like it's a bad thing. What am I blogtarded?!
Dear Gentle Readers of All the Way from Oy to Vey,
Katie has generously offered to host this week's episode of "The Mama Gin Files." I was unable to post it on the front page of Coaster Punchman's World for fear of retribution by Poor George, who forbade me from publishing the video. However, since the trials and tribulations of living with Mama Gin is my story too I feel altogether entitled --- at least as long as I don't get caught.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yesterday, I started menstruating and got good news. Today, I was cramp free and flowing a'plenty and I got the BEST FUCKING NEWS EVAAAAH. I will loop all of ya's shortly. I have a few phone calls to make and e-stalks to send. You know how you do. This weekend, I'll be spilling like nobody's bizola. All's I can say is The Kid's an angel and he's really looking out'fah his mama.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:41 PM
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Let me tell you why I love him so hard for this, he's creating a romantic masturbatory experience and sharing it with the world. The visuals are fabulous. I imagine he dims the lights. Stands in front of the mirror and slowly takes off his shirt, smirking at his reflection and gushing at the image of himself. He watches himself jerk off and cum into each rosebud. It's just a hunch, ahhhkay. According to rumor, his cock is otherworldly huge, like vadgey run for your life huge.
Speaking of cocks, check out today's spam headline that came in my box: stimulate a tremendous shlong Katie. Spammers might not know my gender, but at least they know I'm a Jew. Props, children, props.
You must, must, must read Guthy's latest 6S, Juniper Place, it's an excerpt from her second novel and it is so beautifully written. You'll fall madly in love with this character in just six small sentences. Run. Read. Now.
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Fixx Reading for this month has been thoughtfully moved forward as to not get lost in the shuffle. So, that means that you can get your lit fixx this Thursday, November 15th @ 7:30pm with this month's guests: John Sheppard author of Small Town Punk and Renee Rosen author of Every Crooked Pot Please note that due to various winter holidays, there will be no reading in December but a stunningly awesome January event, to be sure.
This Thursday, November 15th, don't miss Amy Guth's The Fixx Reading Series!
Here's the dish from Ames, pay attention, children. That's your cue to be good listeners. That was my big teacher moment. I've always wanted to have one, I just envisioned it would be with a man... Wait, I'm getting sidetracked - FOCUS, PLEASE.
You heard the broad, get your Fixx, peeps. Great authors. Great host. What's bad?! Bupkas that's what. Run like a dawg this Thursday night.
The Fixx Coffee Bar
3053 N Sheffield Ave.
The Fixx Reading for this month has been thoughtfully moved forward as to not get lost in the shuffle. So, that means that you can get your lit fixx this Thursday, November 15th @ 7:30pm with this month's guests: John Sheppard author of Small Town Punk and Renee Rosen author of Every Crooked Pot
Please note that due to various winter holidays, there will be no reading in December but a stunningly awesome January event, to be sure.
Boost my button, the one on the right lapel of my bloggy, the typewriter. Hey, I'm not a fuckin' designer. I'm a writer for crissakes. Whadya expect?!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Jewish Reconnection Project is spearheaded by Todd Schechter.
Todd said, "The video is the first in a web-only mini series I produced called the Jewish Reconnection Project. It shows young Jews in New York and Jerusalem talking to each other and sharing how their Judaism affects their lives. It's meant to give viewers a sense of the diversity of Jews around the world and to let college age people express their own ideas about Judaism. Ultimately, we hope that helping disparate groups of Jews understand each other will make for a stronger, healthier Jewish community. New episodes will come out every Wednesday for the next six weeks."
It's a six part series that you can view on their site or over at YouTube (links below). I've posted the first installment Chance for Peace. The other installments are Morally Damaged, Our Promised Land, Jewish Enough, Necessary Criteria and A Place to Call Home.
I watched the videos (5-6 minutes a pop. Ya'can't spare a half-hour?) I'm joining the Shmooze Group. You should, too. Pushy enough?! To learn more about The Jewish Reconnection Project and Todd's vision click here. Ga'head.
The videos are so well done and so interesting to watch. Some views you'll share, others you might not, but the project works because you feel connected.
Mazel Tov, Todd. Beautiful work.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Children can pee in Mother Theresa. There goes a few more future fuckable men on the planet. I wonder if the flushtone is Ave Maria. That should help in contributing to ailing peens everywhere. In case that fails, boys can pish into an alligator's mouth. Let's hope it growls and howls. No future peeny dysfunction writing on that wall.
After peeing on Mother Theresa's eyes and claiming it was an act of God, give the kid a sweet piece of ass to wash his hands in. His weepeen won't reach her in the from-behind-zone. Luckily, his nose will be smack dab in the center of her tuchas, thereby stirring his imagination of one day becoming a graduate of the World Toilet College.
Friday, November 09, 2007
This broad exploited and perverted laughter. It was an atrocity. She couldn't be stopped. She laughed mid-bad-joke and at no-joke. She abused laughter, reviled it and stripped it of integrity. I am appalled, shaken and disgusted.
PS: This bag'a bones keeps landing easy-on-the-eyes peen and with a laugh gone so shamefully awry. Oy vey.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Oy, so much to say. Ahhhkay-- my darling Virgo (love'ha), hooked me up with a menses link that seriously took my wig off today. You know what a menstrual maven I am.
Metaformia, A Journal of Menstruation and Culture. When I logged on, it was love at first sight. I needed this today (thank you, Virg). Can I just tell you that Metaformia is a lip smackin' literary menses feast for the soul. There are articles, essays and poems. The poem I read today was so perfect. The blood we don't discuss, the blood that gets no love. Run. Read. Now: All Blood is Menstrual Blood by Judy Grahn.
I started linkdating VeryHotJews today. Super Jewey noshables. Run. Read. Now.
My father sent me a facebook friend request. It was sweet and funny in a new-millennium-dad-like-sort-of-way.
My darling DrugNazi (love him), sent me a snippet of Christian dish (thank you, bubbie) that made no fuckin' sense to me and seems like very anti-zealy behavior.
The Christian Nudist Convocation (CNC) Our name summarizes what we're all about: Christian - CNC events are first and foremost Christian events. We seek to honor God through the Lord Jesus Christ. That is our primary motivation. Nudist - Secondarily, we affirm the goodness of our bodies exactly as God created them. Convocation - Finally, we believe in the value of gathering as likeminded people for mutual encouragement and fellowship.
Whatever happened to that part in the zealy bible about, oh, you know, what is that again? Right... maaahdesty, maaahdesty, maaahdesty. Translation: Don't be struttin' your slut in front of no mans unleth-he-ya'huthband. And, mens don't be lettin' the kettle and tea bags shwing in the wind for her to see. gluttonous, hypocritical, bush votin', gun totin', "g" droppin' whooa's all of em.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Friday, November 02, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I ooed. I ahhed. Lovely. Until I saw this... 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Holy Shit...another fuckin' FAT ASS ACLU LOVING LIBERAL LOSER I WAS REJECTED BY EVERY IVEY LEAGUE KYKE BITCH writing her self-important JEW blog on the internet. What a fuckin' shock... Go blow a nigger and watch holocaust films WISHING you were a tall THIN Anglo-Saxon...
Oh, one last thing, Pagan, the next time you're sucking a juicy black cock and loving it, I would suggest watching a nice Jewey porn, something vintage Annie Sprinkle. Tell ya what, I'll do the same thing and we can compare notes. Let's check in with each other next week. Sound like a plan? Cool.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
I think Niagara is missing its Fall. Let's not have a *panic-picnic. I found it at 3AM between my thighs. Too bad it's not a holiday weekend, Taco Grand Rapids could make some serious bank on tourism.
It appears that a few stragglers have made it through without paying admission--fuckers. My mothah fuckin' cock suckin cramps have escalated beyond savage. Each womb gripping runner is laughing riotously at my heating pad and pain pills. I've been tossing and turning like a fish outta water all night. I'm overtired and in pain. Argh...
I am grateful. I'm menstruating and everything is working. Thank God!
*thank you, izzy
Thursday, October 18, 2007
- It's not torture. It's a routine I used to have every morning. I love the ritualistic aspect of it. By going through the motion, I can actually feel the texture of the hot buttery toast melting in my mouth and it gives me pleasure.
- I don't watch it consecutively for 30-minutes. I glance at it in passing while I'm getting ready or while I'm checking email or drinking coffee, or shmoozing on the phone. Knowing it's there brings me comfort.
- I've had too much change in the past 8 months. I need some semblance of continuity and for some bizarre reason, I find it in toast.
- I feel guilty because there are so many starving people in the world and to invest money and time into something that you aren't going to use is frivolous and inconsiderate. I know. It's just toast. Still. The guilt.
- It keeps me legal, I stick to my diet.
For all of those reasons, I make toast every morning.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
My apartment manager and I are in the middle of a shit war. Without disclosing the contents of an essay about our shitistory (fear not, you'll be able to read it soon! As if, Schwartzy. Anywho), our shituation has escalated. After taking my toilet's hand in marriage without my consent, he came back to the scene of the crime to (wink-wink) check on who-the-fuck-remembers, so he could chat up a storm and shit himself into a frenzy.
Ever since I denied him that porcelain privilege, I've noticed a faint, yet noticeable stench of anal wretchedness that no ass should legally be able to produce, just outside my bathroom window a few times a week. What should be a grassy area between my building and the building next door is a gassy area thanks to shitfucker.
While sitting in my kitchen this afternoon, I caught him quietly skulking past me and towards my bathroom window. I ripped open the blinds and said, WHATRYA DOIN?! He was so stunned, he said, Oh, oh, oh, nada, nada-nada-pipes-pipes-pipes. How stupid does this yutz think I am?! I said, Listen you, I am onto you and your funky ass. If I jump through this window, will I unearth your private dumping ground? Because if I do, you have no idea what deep shit looks or feels like. I'm about to crack your ass wide open, buster. MOVE IT ALONG.
He sprinted from the scene of the crime. I don't know for certain if he was shitting back at me because I came between him and his lover. I don't want to find out. Alls I can tell ya's is if I smell that funk again, it's on, my friends. It is ON.
It's my own little version of Like Water for Chocolate ... without the sex--Thank God.