Katie Schwartz

this week one of my oldest and bestest friends who I've known for 25-years, called me. the conversation went like this: l: kates, I'm bisexual. k: good for you, you ambisextrous diva. is this a new noshing interest or have you always been keen on pussy and just never told me? l: no. it's new. k: care to elaborate? l: this past year I've developed an attraction to women. last weekend when I went out with some girlfriends, this hot blonde approached me and was flirting with me. next thing you know, we're on her bed 69'ng. k: I see. was there a working up to this (phase) or did you just mainline the taco? l: I went straight for the pussy. k: hey, you know what you want and you're not afraid to go for it. I think it's great. so, are you's two dating? l: no. just fucking. I'm addicted to her. k: this surprises you, miss ocd?! the rest of the conversation would just bore you....

today, I been doin' some thinking. I'm not a proponent of thinking or reading. both squeeze me up inside my head and spin me. the cliche, knowledge is power. for some, sure, but for me, it's a curse. seeing as I can't live without either, there's no question that I am, on some level, a voracious-hedonistic-submissive-bottom. everyone's got a shortcoming. it was the clog in my sink and buying extra-strength draino that got me to thinking. I chose the buchest strength they had. I dumped the entire bottle into my sink and watched the gel sift through the water and bubble at the drain. an hour later when I returned to the sink, it was empty, so I turned on the hot water faucet and ran it hard. I watched the water effortlessly slide down the drain and erase the memory of being clogged. and, I thought, outside of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and mood stabilizers, which I don't need, it's too bad there isn't a draino to erase the tiresome issues tha...

I was thinking... I have so many queer ass nicknames for my dog. here's the list: jewcifer haglette the hellnine shaggels louie jew buglet buglet wuglet shagamuffin shagaboombas (that's one of my best friend's nickname for louie) shags hag haganini schwartzy putz prick schmuck