Katie Schwartz

my sister and I did our laundry last night. while we were taking our clothes out of the dryer, a german shantzi sans undies in cargo pants walked by our folding station and said, "somevon put zayr svetah in my dlyah. zay aren't getting it back." Kerri and I looked at each other like, ok. when he took his clothes out of the dryer and over to his folding station, my sister whispered, "that's my sweater. he's got my sweater. it's my favorite sweater. let it go. he can keep the sweater." I said, "no way. I'm gettin' that sweater back." I walked over to him and picked up the sweater and said, "that's my sweater. I'm very sorry that I accidentally put it in your dryer." he freaked out and tossed his towels around, "you changed za temprachur of my dryer. you cost me time I cannot get back." why would he want to keep a dirty jew sweater, you know?! I put down one dollar in quarters and said, "here's a do...

this morning, my friend, e and I were having coffee outside on wilshire blvd. are you noticing a wilshire theme today?! all of a sudden out of a lexus, pours an eastern european taco in beige trousers. I'm talking a hardcore, no holds barred vagina. her lips were so cavernous, you could actually see where her pookie stopped and her ass started. I said to, e, "do you fuckin believe those lips? I mean, you saw them, right?" he was blushing and gushing with delight. I said, "dude, come on, you don't like that, do you?" with a shit eating grin, he said, "oh, yeah, I love pussy. and I love lips." what kind of a fuckin' broad features her lips?! you know?!

so, when I was taking louie to camp last week, I had a bag of his supplements, meds, his rope and a dozen cans of tuna and chicken. wellllll.... like an idiot, I left the bag on the top of the car. when I realized I had done this, retracing our steps made little difference because it was long gone. I was super blue. it was $200 worth of hellnine supplies. today I got a phone call from my vet saying that a doctor on wilshire had my bag. I was so excited, I called them asap. sandy said, "finally. we've been trying to call you for days. we've got the bag. in fact, you must've lost it just moments before I found it. come on up." I'm a jew. we don't do empty handed as gratitude. we bring food. I picked up a dozen gourmet chocolate chip cookies and showed up with a basket to claim louie's stuff. I showed them a picture of louie. thanked them profusely and we exchanged the goods. welllllll..... as I got into the elevator, I noticed the bag felt lighter then i...

the god damned shame of the fcc! pay attention! censorship abounds. March 18, 2006 FCC chairman Kevin Martin defended his agency's decision last week to fine broadcast companies nearly $4 million for airing indecent programming . "Whenever the commission is trying to determine what is appropriate and inappropriate, there's inherently lines that end up being drawn," FCC chairman Kevin Martin said during a news conference Friday. "And all of that ends up involving the context of the way particular words are used or not used. This debate is not new. The FCC's original indecency decisions, that were upheld by the Supreme Court, it was George Carlin's monologue ('Filthy Words'). I think the commission is going to continue to provide guidance consistent with our precedent on this and how those words are appropriate or inappropriate." Martin dismissed criticisms that the commission drew too fine a line when it ruled that someone could be fined for s...