Barack Obama's Infomercial

If you missed it, here it is. Watch it for inspiration, hope and the promise of change, something I do believe This One will actually deliver.

I'm so proud of my family. Each has been proactively involved in his campaign, from donating money to volunteering and getting the message out there: VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA and JOE BIDEN.

Sex and Politics

From my friend Patrick, Cabbage Patch Politics: Where McCain and Obama Can Both Win. Ha.

Obama Leads or Is Tied in 8 Key States, fab.

If we can turn our heads for just a wee minute from politics to, oh, I don't know, SEX. I have some delicious dish. My good friend Al Sensu is dispensing SEX ADVICE on Hard and Fast. Oh, man, this child was born to drop pearls of cum laced wisdom. Check it out, yo. You will not be disappointed:

Deep Throat (you want to do it or get it), Anal Angst (how many times have we all said that?), I Lost my Female Best Friend (awww. I feel for the guy).

After the read, e-stalk Al for advice. I have. Knock wood, I can now suck a bagel through an Asian man's cock. We all need a trick of the trade.

God, I hope my father doesn't read that last bit...

God Save the Queens

Palin Effigy Prompts Visit From Feds. West Hollywood, home of the brave and the proud is making a bold statement against Palin and McCain, a duo that wants to pray the gay away and send hold-outs to a remote island. In response, the Feds came for a social call? I digress. And. It's Hall-a-fuckin-ween. The parade will be filled with Palin and McCain drag queens done right for a change, and for less than 150K in clothing and 28K in make-up.

Are they kidding? The Feds.

As Promised to September's McCunt Essayists

We announced the September McCunt essay contest winner, Frannygirl and the October McCunt essay winner, DrugMonkey.

As an added bonus, we are giving (love saying we, especially when we all fucking know we is just me) September's essayists one more shot at winning! That's right, beautiful babies, you have until this time next Tuesday to vote for the three following essays:

1) Sometimes I want to call Cindy McCain a Cunt, too by writer and renaissance man JDC of Democracy hypocrisy.

2) I am John McCunt and I approve this message by writer diva of Pulp Friction.

3) McMunt's Idea of Health Care Reform by writer and man of moxie squared, Rick of Traveling Man Rick.

Here's the deal, children, leave your votes in the comments section for each of the essays you are voting for. You have one week. Only new votes are counted, so get ta'steppin, yo!

Loving,
Schwartzy

And the Winner of October's McCunt Essay Contest

Is.... DRUG MONKEY!!!

DM, you have won a dozen Bojamacakes courtesy of baking goddess Jintrinsique. CONGRATULATIONS, TOOTS! Thank you for your wonderful essay, If you Listen Closely as you Read This, You can Hear me Reaching Hard to Create Three, I May Have Turn a Rotar Cuff.

I would also like to thank your fierce competitors, essayists Fredrick Schwartz of Hell's Leading Newspaper, the Dis-Brimstone and Mister Mister of one of the net's finest poli reads, Earth Observation. You rocked it, beautiful babies.

Thank you, Drug Monkey and CONGRATULATIONS, ya big stud.

PoliToons and Such

My good friend, Lewchieloo of Democracy Hypocrisy made this fabulous Palinazi politoon for The Vey. Thank you, dollface. Loooove it.

New vegan discovery of the week that even meataterians and vegetarians would dig, roasted tomato and red pepper soup. Ta-fuckin-die-for delish and thick. If you have a sensitivo stomach and get acid reflux easily, you'll need a ruhlaahds (rolaids) back. I'm just sayin'.

I was just thinking.... Diva Jood, Helen Wheels and Hilly live in my neck of the woodsish and I think we should start a monthly or six-weekerly coffee sesh.

@AlizaSherman from Twitter, a fabgal, posted a tweet this week about the Women Respond to Palin website. Check it out, yo. They're having a live webathon on October 30th. Women will be performing their letters to Palinoscopy. Some of us should get involved. You disagree? Pcunt hardly represents the best of the vadge community. Unless, of course, you're a woman who hates women, then I suppose Palin would be your archetype. Excuse me while I vomit.

Courtesy of @Mickeleh on Twitter, I was updated about all of this dish: As the global market spirals into what feels like an inevitable depression with no hope of a Prozac comeback, I was outraged to learn that the repubes spent over 150K on clothing this bitch, and close to 30K on her make-up. Shouldn't America's #1 hockey mom be draped in Wal-Mart specials? Jaclyn Smith is as designeree as she should get. Palinunt even responded to the media elite, justifying her actions by accusing them of sexism. Wouldjya look who's calling the kettle beige?! She's the most sexist, misogynistic cunt in America today, topping only Anne Cunter. I was thrilled to read in the Washington Post that the majority of Americans how see Palin in a negative light. And even more delighted to read about an Internal Palin Insurgency McCain is dealing with. They're imploding, I love it.

Who didn't love this SNL video?

I thought it was brilliant!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a shit load of blog reading to catch up on and comments to respond to. Vat else is Schwartzy doing today? Erranding, painting my kitchen, maybe. Or a new knitting project. What do we think?

"Hey, Katie, nobody gives a shit." I know. Gaaaaahd. I'm converbating. Ha. Ah, I'm so shortbus sometimes.

Do not forget to vote for the final three in October. The winner will be announced on Monday! And you'll also have an opportunity to vote for three of September's essays, too. Yay.

I was Humiliated!

Today, I was humilareena and her friends, Shame, Oh The Shame, and You Shameful Snatch.

Seriously. What happened today is so embarrassing I wasn't going to blog it until my sister said, "How can this shamevent be off limits when you so freely blog about menses."

The girl has a point.

I scheduled an appt with the cable man today because I needed him to switch out my boxes (that is not an innuendo, schmucks). My DVR was tiling and squeezing up when I'd change the channels. It also incessantly froze and garbled. Being a lazy bitch who doesn't really give a shit, I wasn't bothered.... for six-months.

At 10 AM, cabletard enters the premises on time (shock of shocks). He's pleasant enough and clean-cut. Having had cable / Internet issues to the degree that I have had with AT&T, I wanted him to stay and make sure that my Internet connection didn't go down and that I knew how to work the new DVR box. Being a busy boy, he got a little snippy. I needed to shut snipparena down, so I handed him 20 bucks and said please just make sure everything works, okay?

He took the 20 and coyly said, "Um, I don't want to... ya know... like, um, well" He was blushing, blushing, blushing. And then I realized what he thought the 20 was for.

I guffawed and said, "WAIT A FUCKIN' MINUTE, YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME? YOU THINK I'D PAY 20 BUCKS FOR YOU TO FUCK ME?!"

He heartily laughed it off and said, "Well, yeah."

YEAH?!

Are you fucking mother fucking cock sucking kidding me?!

As my friend Izzy said, "For 20 bucks, the most I'd ask you to do is strip down to your tool belt and dance for me." If, if, if that, ever.

I was so angry, I wanted to grab a baseball bat. Instead, I said, "I DO NOT PAY FOR SEX. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW WITH YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. LOOK AT ME? WHAT DID YOU THINK? I WAS SOME DESPERATE FAT CHICK LOOKING FOR SOME CABLE-COCK?! GOD DAMMIT. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU, YOU CABLE PULLING, BASEMENT DWELLING, INTERNET SCREWER UPPER."

At this point, he scurried into the corner like a banished five-year-old for spilling milk. I was even more infuriated with him for being such a fucking pussy, so I screamed, "Just do your fucking job and make sure everything works and then leave."

My Internet did go down three times and 30-minutes later everything was up and running. Now, mutually humiliated, he grabbed his things and scurried out the door. But, before he did, I gave him another guilt-$20 (in this economy, Schwartz? Guilt is a powerful weapon of mass distraction, so yeah.).

Say it with me, oh, the shame, humilareena....

FROM A SCHWARTZ

HA. I love it. A Schwartz sent it to me. I can't say which one cause, ya know, the Schwartz who sent it wants to remain anony. Out of respect for that Schwartz, I'll shut my pie-hole.

HOW FUCKING FUNNY AND FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS is this picture?!?!?! Ah, I love it.

Thanks for sending, Schwartzy.

ME

Surprise!

Some people love a paraaaahd. Me, I love a surprise.

This is a surprise that will make all McCunt essay cuntestants very happy, I think. I hope. Wait, was that too flat? Let me jhush that sentence up.

All McCunt essay cuntestants from October and September are getting a second chance to WIN a dozen Bojamacakes. Are you plotzing? Me, too.

Miss Frannylish, September's cuntest winner is living proof of how fabulous Jintrinsique's cupcakes are. Just ask her.

Here's the dish:

1) Starting today, Monday, October 20th, you have one more week to vote for each of October's essays. Leave your votes in comments, please. The winner will receive one dozen Bojamacakes.

For Katie Schwartz: 3 Cunts and 3 New Words and a Curious Insight Into the Kind of Woman that May Trip John McCain's Trigger, written by Fredrick Schwartz of Hell's Leading Newspaper The Dis Brimstone.

If you Listen Closely as you Read This, You can Hear me Reaching Hard to Create Three, I May Have Turn a Rotar Cuff, written by DrugMonkey of your Pharmacist May Hate You

500 Cunterific Words from the One The Only Mr. Mxyzptlk, written by Mister Mister of Earth Observation.

I'm not finished yet. WAIT.

2) Beginning Monday, October 27th, you will have one week to vote for September's essays (except Frannygirl's because she won), written by Travelingman Rick, PulpFriction and JDC. The winner will also receive one dozen Bojamacakes.

Fab enough fah ya?!

Good luck everyone! You all kick mothah fuckin' ass. Every single entry rocked my world.

The Thrill of Insomnia

I was having a conversation with a very dear friend today and one of the things we discussed, I'm paraphrasing, was the concept that everything happens for a reason and that there are no coincidences. I've always been conflicted about those two ideas.

Often, I wonder, If I am in charge of my own destiny, why would I choose to derail myself with Graves' disease? Then I back flip and ask myself, If I'm not in charge of my destiny, why was this placed in my life? After yet another back flip, I ask, How can I control IT instead of IT controlling me? As you can see, I still haven't answered my own damn questions and remain conflicted.

In my opinion, I don't believe we create illness. I don't think we ask for illness to overtake our bodies and shift the course of our lives. I don't think illness serves a greater good. Just as I don't think there's an upside to death. Losing someone you love is horrific, full stop. Admittedly, I am the worst at facing death head on and saying "Hi there. How ya doin'? Thanks for your time and for stopping by. You took my beloved. That's cool. Carry on. Have fun together. I'll catch ya later."

No, no, no. I hang on too tight. I haven't made peace with who I've lost. I do regard this as a shortcoming, definitely, and as a lack of maturity, perhaps. I am learning how to create a better relationship with death. However, I'm not sure I'll ever get to that zenny higher self, higher-whatever-the-fuck, place. I'm not being pessimistic, on the contrary. I'm selfish. I want who I love to be here with me, not there, wherever you regard there as being. I want to see, touch, feel and smell the people I love as often as possible. I can be cunty in that regard.

I do think we have choices about how we manage what we can't control. As my mother incessantly drills into my head process, process, process. She would be right. Managing choices is a process. Speaking for myself, when I was first diagnosed with Graves' disease and how I am dealing with it today aren't yet night and day, but there is a recent marked difference. I attribute that to Shrinktail, time, frustration and genuine support from the people who know me and love me.

So, back to my original questions, does it boil down to faith? And, if it does, what if faith in myself, in God and in people has been provoked to the point of what feels like delirium? Then what? If faith doesn't factor into the equation, what do I believe?

Hmmm....
Katie?
Kaaatie?
Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatie?
Wait. Gaaahd, I'm thinking. Geez Louise, give a girl 5-minutes, wouldjya?
Can I pee first? The walk will do me good.
Fine. Fine. Fine.

I'm back.
Okay.

I do not think everything happens for a reason. From a purely scientific perspective, it's illogical. As Bukowski wrote, What matters most is how well we walk through the fire, essentially, managing what crosses our path. To that end, there is always an opportunity to take what we're confronted with and learn from it, I think. As for faith... it's on the mend, I hope.

Jewgirliva = Jewgirl Trivia

DivaJood has tagged me for the eleven things you don't know about me meemish. This is going to be tough. What haven't we discussed, really? We schlep down Schwartz Lane so often, dishing menses, family, Graves', writing, life, love (lack thereof), naybahs, and so much more. I can't say no to Jood though, she's far too fabulous. And, yes, I am tagging others, so yas best be ready. If you haven't read her meem, you should, it's delightful.

1. Clothes Shop: At the minee, I'm not shopping for clothes because I'm too busy getting my sphere-on. However, all that's changing. Slowly, of course. Anyway, I'm whoring myself to any shoe shop that will have me. Though, I am going for comfort fit, I'm pleased to announce that I still have a degree of taste in that department.

2. Furniture Shop: Please, are you new? Say it with me. What is Schwartzy's love when it comes to furn and tchoch? Come on, you know.... V-I-N-T-A-G-E. Specifically, Eames chairs, armoirs and end/side tables, 40s-30s couches and kitchen tables, 60s lamps and 20s-30s mirrors, statues of women and campy tchoch, 70s and depression glass.

3. Sweet: I'm not doing dairy and I'm low gluten. However, thanks to my sister, Ker, I have discovered Uncle Eddie's vegan peanut butter chocolate chip cookies and eat three a week. They are off the mothah' fuckin' hook delicious.

4. City: Well, let's see. My heart is in New York. My body is in Los Angeles. My brain often wanders to Machu Picchu.

5. Drink: Evolution Apple Juice, Fiji Water and ginger-fuckin-ale.

6. Music: Everything, seriously. Eminem, Billie Holiday, Alicia Keys, Yo-Yo Ma, Joni Mitchell, Regina Carter, KD Lang. The list is so long, oy.

7. TV Series: Monk, Sex and the City, Mad Men, True Blood, Dexter, Little Britain, South Park, Brothers & Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Testees, Six Feet Under, Arrested Development, Rescue Me. Again, I could go on for days, yo.

8. Film: Young Frankenstein, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, The Goodbye Girl, Nothing in Common, The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover, What Dreams May Come, Like Water for Chocolate, American History X, Requiem for a Dream, etc. etc. etc.

9. Workout: I'm walking a lot and doing a lot of stretchy-floory-yoga-ish exercises. I aspire to get back to running.

10: Pastries: Got any gluten free vegan ones that don't taste like the crack of a sweaty, puckered, ruptured anus?

11. Coffee: LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE FOR IT. Okay, this is where things get serious. I percolate squeezed beans from Pete's coffee and top it off with soy vanilla foam or mocha mix and I feel like I'm in heaven. Or, or, or, I will schlep my ass to Pete's or Urth for a vanilla soy double cappuccino on a Saturday and it is bliss in a cup.

I am tagging the following folks to pony up their 11 list using the same questions divajood answered and requested her tag-ees to post. That's fair, right? You betchya.

Cup of Coffey (I owe ya an email, honey)

Daleish

Pulp Friction (She'll figure out a way to polify it)

Telling Secrets

Frannygirl

DCup (I'm not sure if she'll go poli or not, but I'm curious to find out)

MonkeyMucker

Self Help Center

JDC - (He'll find a way to give this a poli-spin)

Hard-And-Fast

Helen Wheels (She'll find a poli spin)

From Cormac Brown

I have heard from our dear Cormac and he's doing okay. Everyone is holding up as best they can under the circumstances.

He's asked me to please extend his many thanks to DCup, Spartacus and Randal: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I will keep yas posted...

Friday Feel Good About Yourself Day - Yay

Times are tough, no doubt about it, but we're do-gooders, so we want to make a difference in some small way, yes? Yes.

I wanted to pass along a few things that made me feel good about participating in that you might be keen on, too.

My good friend Amy Guth is sooo very close to reaching her fundraising goal for St. Judes Children's Hospital. "Folks we need to talk! My deadline for raising the bulk of funds for the St. Jude Children's Research Hospital Marathon & Half-Marathon is upon us and I'm close to meeting the immediate goal of $2,000. Say 13 of you donated $50? I'd meet the goal today."

What an awesome accomplishment, and for such a beautiful, necessary cause that has touched her very personally. Click over and let's help this fab dame out.

Did you know that today is Free Mammography Day? It is and I've linked you to some resources where you can find out how to get one. Thanks to my friend Roz, I am now looped.

Missy Roz from Say it with eCards has some wonderful free reminders you can email to friends to make sure women know that they are entitled to a free mammogram. Get ta' steppin, we need to save our boobies.

Speaking of boobies... Have you read Larramie's review of Gail Konop Baker's Cancer is a Bitch? Read it. You'll love it.

We have all purchased Gail's book, right? If not, here's the link.

Loving...
Schwartzy

Cormac Writes

One of our favorite bloggers, Cormac and my online BFF4Evah has suffered a terrible loss in his family. He's written a beautiful eulogy to James. Please click over, give a read and send him your love.

He needs it.

Mind you, he'll whack me for posting this, but HEY, that's what friends do for each other-- lend support in times of need. Yes? Yes.

As I Fantasize About a Sinusectomy

Let's discuss other creepy and surreal things, shall we? Fab.

First, the above photo is Sarah Palin in her office. Did she whack the bear herself? When she's cold, does she drape the bear over her body so they're lying face to face? The God damned animal's shoulder blades are still intact. And the bear looks like he's fucking the top of her settee. What's happening with the crustacean? Stuffed and real or fake? Did the huntress capture it herself?

Second, 33 Million Dollar home for sale in Bridgehampton. Originally built in 1898 by local nobility Dr. John Gardiner and named Dulce Domum, this country residence was set upon a 20-acre parcel 200 ft. above sea level. The soaring vistas viewed southerly across the farm fields to the ocean and north to the Connecticut shore from the 50 ft. observation tower are breathtaking 475 tons of local rock was used for the base foundation of this 12-bedroom compound, which consists of the considerable main house with multi-level stone terraces, a substantial guest house with a greenhouse conservatory overlooking a botanical nursery and a palatial gunite pool, a substantial barn artist studio with gym, living quarters with a 4-car heated garage. Lovingly restored and renovated in 1998, accommodating every modern amenity conceivable for a first class lifestyle. This dignified gated property consists of three single and separate parcels - all organic, replete with rolling distinguished lawns, walking paths, gardens and tennis retreat with basketball court and playground. A haven of luxury!

I find this to be terribly surreal and have some rhetorical questions. How does one shop for a 30MM dollar home? Do you flip through "For Sale" ads, bypassing homes for 10MM, 15MM and 20MM until you reach the coveted 30MM and say, "Ah, perfect!" Do you look online? Do you put the word out to mega rich friends? Do you email vulgar-displays-of-wealth-realty-and-associates and say, "Hi, I'm in the market for a 30MM house, do you have any for sale?" What do you wear to purchase a 30MM house with 11 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms? What criterion do you look for in a 30MM home? As you browse from room to room, do you actually say things like, "Oh, you know what, the layout of this living room is kind of a deal breaker, it's just too small. I was looking for 10,000 square feet, not 9,784." "There's a weird creak in the upstairs hallway." "I had my heart set on 12 bedrooms, not 11."

What issues could you possibly have with a 30MM home?!

Third, I have been sneezing for three-days straight. If I don't get a reprieve, I'm calling my allergist for a sinusectomy tomorrow.

FOR KATIE SCHWARTZ: 3 CUNTS AND 3 NEW WORDS AND A CURIOUS INSIGHT INTO THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT MAY TRIP JOHN MCCAIN'S TRIGGER

One of my favorite writers Fredrick Schwartz, spun a yarn for the McCunt essay contest. This was originally posted on one of the most up-to-date, authentic, brilliant news sources online: Editorials from Hell's Leading Newspaper The Dis-Brimstone Daily Pitchfork, a read that you must feed. Consider it truth and liberal soul food.

I was on my way to Denver by way of a chartered Gulfstream V out of the executive jet terminal at Bradley International Airport which is nestled between the cities of Hartford, Connecticut and Springfield, Massachusettes. This has nothing, of course to do with John McCain or the word cunt but it is a timely and pleasant way to introduce the story that I have to tell about my first day at the Democratic National Convention.

The flight was nice the Gulfstream was stocked with the type of alcohol I like to imbibe and the "screwardess" was a very easy on the eyes green eyed brunette at 6' tall and about 160 pounds. I was joined in my journey by a man from Aurora, Colorado who was retuning home from a trip to Hartford. He's in insurance and was really a treat breaking out the backgammon set for three and a half hours of betting that saw me drop around 300 dollars all told. The gentlemen asked me not to use his name but did give me his card. The best part sports fans is that he is a reader of the Daily Pitchfork.

We were halfway through our first heated match and I was up when he asked me what I did and I told him the truth. I showed him my press credentials and clearly they had the otherworldly sort of look to them being half in Hellac and half in English. All of this is above board and well within the rules for the deceased. I did not show him any negagraphs of the latest Torture League final but I did display a hologram of my girlfriend Terri. This made him laugh so hard he had to take a sip of his 151 and Coke to compose himself. Trapped in a flying plastic and aircraft aluminum tube with walnut trim I could tell him anything I wanted about Hell and so I did.

I asked him after exposing myself as a dead journalist who lives and works and fucks his girlfriend in Hell who he was going to vote for in the November election. The casually well dressed man who likely netted about half a million clams a year said without missing a beat, "Barack Obama." He went on, as he kicked my ass and took some of the Dis Brimstone's money, to explain that even at his rate of income the Obama tax plan was more progressive and would put so much money back in the pockets of the middle class that he would be a fool not to vote for Obama. Okay you bunch of howler monkeys I knew that already but to hear it from someone who is going to have their taxes raised was refreshing.

This was only half the fun. After about two hours the flight attendant, Grace, was bored and decided to "impose herself" on us as we cast dice with reckless abandon. She has never heard the Nantucket limerick in its entirety so as I finished with, " . . . if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it" I thought the fortyish woman would come unglued and jiggle right out of her very well fitted uniform. Quickly the conversation went back to politics especially the Middle East and how it relates to Senator McCain and Senator Obama in their race for the White House. My new found friend pointed out that McCain has a very specific policy regarding Israel and he wondered what my opinion of the facts that he laid out being close to several prominent members of both Likud and Labour-Meimad. This man who up to this point could have passed as goyyim anywhere in the free world said McCain has a taste in his mouth for Tzipi Livni and her policies regarding Jerusalem and Gaza. I sat back, eyes wide, totally ignoring that the man had rolled boxcars on me erasing my lead in pips.

He smiled a thin smile being puckish now as he had my full attention after explaining to the flight attendant just who the hell Tzipi Livni is. "Of course nothing would ever happen," he chuckled, "but it is a chip to have on your side if you like Kadima and how they've botched relations with Palestine. He leaned in as I ticked off my lousy roll of 3, "If Livni replaces Olmert, which is a given because Mofaz is too eager to bomb Iran, and McCain is in the White House as President in 2009 there will be UN troops working as "advisors" all over the Palestinian Authority before the end of 2010. You mark my words. McCain has no interest in the peace process going forward. Ever. Moreover, the prick thinks he can arm twist Kadima's leadership into doing his dirty work at Natanz for him and I can prove every word I say as true.

"The gastrointestinal reaction I had is called "kaaviq" in the Hellac tongue. I politely excused myself and went to the rear of the plane and walked into the lavatory where I stayed a full twelve minutes. The John McCain having the hots for Tzipi Livni thing aside it was verifiable which made it worse. My new best friend was on an AirPhone call to Israel when I came out and he handed me the phone. On the other end was an Israeli politician who Ser Kelso de Panama is very fond of who chatted with me for seven minutes and confirmed most of what the Insurance Mensch had offered. The three minute conversation I had with the man was enlightening to say the least in regard to how Israeli politicians on the Left of center view the McCain solution to the Isreali Palestinian problem.

The rest of the flight was uneventful and as we deplaned on a warm night at Denver Stapleton's private jet terminal the dapper old Jew turned to me and said, "Can you check on someone I know that's dead?" I paused and reached for my BlackBerry™ which is slaved to Pain and said sure gimme a name and a date of birth and I'll see what I can do. "My first wife, Colleen Xxxxxx- xxxx. She took me to the cleaners in 1979. Died of cancer in 2003."

Pain brought it up in a blink, she was working for an investment bank in the 36th arrondissment on Rham and doing quite well for herself. "Figures!" the Insurance Mensch said, "That was always one money loving ambitious cunt!"

Fredrick Schwartz
Managing Editor-Research
The Dis Brimstone-Daily Pitchfork
72 Melnar 2 AS

--
How do you like this kid's literary chops?! Kick ass, right? I know. Leave your votes in comments! You have one week to vote for Schwartzy's essay, FOR KATIE SCHWARTZ: 3 CUNTS AND 3 NEW WORDS AND A CURIOUS INSIGHT INTO THE KIND OF WOMAN THAT MAY TRIP JOHN MCCAIN'S TRIGGER.

happy birthday

Guess what today is? Okay, I'll tell you, it is D-CUP's BIRTHDAY! That's right, our Diva D, author of the fabulous Politits and Unglued, one of our favorite bloggers in the universe and one of the greatest dames I have ever known is having a birthday TODAY.

Please click over and wish our DivaD a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

My darling, you are stunning, brilliant and the most fabulous dame around. I wish you a healthy, happy birthday.

Loving you,

Katie

Everyone Needs Self Help

I am, of course referring to the Self Help Center run by Romius. He recently celebrated his blogaversery and being the absentminded snatchola I am, I failed to post about it. Fortunately, Romius reminded me. Believe it or not, I'm glad he did.

Romius blogs the Self Help Center, The Karl Marx blog and Bathos for the Misanthropic. He's not creepy insane, he's funny, clever, unhinged insane.

He's the kind of person you can say anything to, like, I had this crazy nightmare last night that my landlord raped a turtle while watching the gardener masturbate and he wouldn't judge you. You could also say, I think I saw a three-way between a couple of horses while driving along the PCH, but I'm not sure and he'd engage you. Or, Do you think clipping fingernails in a kitchen sink is gross? I do. He'd give you a laundry list of pros and cons.

That is how Romius rolls, yo, extreme candor. No judgment.

He writes what's on his mind, regardless of whether it offends you, makes you uncomfortable or makes you think. All of that is moot, really. He certainly won't refrain from expounding on how he feels to suit you. These are the things I adore the most about him.

To give you a sampling of his recent posts from Self Help, Magic Johnson Fakes Aids, I Pretend I can be Positive About Life, I don't get the Internet at Work, but I do get to see a lot of Pregnant Jail bait.

Romius, my dear, HAPPY BLOGAVERSARY! I might not comment on your bloggy as much as I should, but I adore you and I enjoy seeing you in the blogosphere. You would be painfully missed if you ever stopped blogging, so DON'T.

Love,

ME

Really?

I'm so furious right now, I could scream.

Before I do. Let me direct your attention to a beautiful new post on DearThyroid. Please click over and read this lovely dame's yarn and celebrate another cancer free anniversary (YAY). I'm so proud of her for sharing her story, I know it wasn't easy.

One last thing, breathe. I feel so guilty venting and ranting when there are much bigger issues in the world, and with people I care about. I realize stating this doesn't absolve me of my guilt. I wanted to acknowledge how frivolous this rant is going to be. You know it and I know it. Still. It's something I need to get off my chest, which is already grand enough (DDD).

There is someone in my life who urks me. No, that's a lie. He makes me crazy. No. That's not it either. He's more pleasant than a pap smear. Not as invasive as a colonoscopy. Definitely as irritating as an untreated yeast infection.

I have to deal with him. There are some people in your life, you don't have the luxury of not eliminating because if you do, you risk losing other people attached to them. I keep reminding myself, Katie, you don't have to sleep with him. You don't have to live with him. You don't see him every day. You don't even see him every week. You see him twice monthly, maybe. Man up, bitch. Grow a set and deal with him.

For whatever reason, today I can't deal with him. He skews needy. He talks. He says stupid things and sometimes I think he's a little retarded. Not severely, more like a twingey bit short-bus.

He's tolerant of other's choices to some degree, something I respect and appreciate. He has this strange set of ethics that I can't wrap my head around, though. He thinks people that choose divorce are funny and stupid. That bothers me. Yet, he supports gay marriage. I like that. He's cheap, not frugal, big difference. Loathe cheap. He's politically conservative, but makes no money. What is that about?! But, wait, he is voting for Obama/Biden, so there's that. He always has ear ghujshies and that FREAKS ME OUT. I want to buy the man a lifetime supply of Q-tips. He's hairy. Hey, I would be, too, if I didn't wax and shave.

We all know what I need to do, shut up, grow up and deal with it/him. I know. I agree. I just figured I'd vent a lil'.

Wouldjya Look Who’s Calling the Kettle Beige... BITCH

Palin Misquotes Albright: "Place In Hell Reserved For Women Who Don't Support Other Women"



At a rally on Saturday in California, Sarah Palin offered up a rather jarring argument for supporting the Republican ticket. "There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women," the Alaska Governor said, claiming she was quoting former Clinton Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

The statement came after Palin had recounted a "providential" moment she experienced on Saturday: "I'm reading on my Starbucks mocha cup, okay? The quote of the day... It was Madeleine Albright, former Secretary of State [crowd boos] and UN ambassador. ... Now she said it, I didn't. She said, 'There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women.'"

Actually, Albright didn't say that. The accurate quote is, "There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't help other women." (Sources made the same point to CBS's Scott Conroy.)

Palin seemed to realize that the line could be viewed as grating. As the audience cheered, she remarked: "Okay, now, thank you so much for receiving that well. I didn't know how that was gonna go over. And now, California, let's see what a comment like I just made, how that is turned into whatever it'll be turned into tomorrow with the newspaper."

Albright responded to Palin's remarks in a statement to the Huffington Post on Sunday. "Though I am flattered that Governor Palin has chosen to cite me as a source of wisdom, what I said had nothing to do with politics. This is yet another example of McCain and Palin distorting the truth, and all the more reason to remember that this campaign is not about gender, it is about which candidate has an agenda that will improve the lives of all Americans, including women. The truth is, if you care about the status of women in our society and in our troubled economy, the best choice by far is Obama-Biden."

Nothing says I love women like forcing your 17-year-old daughter to keep an unwanted pregnancy and making her marry Winnebago-Levi, or making women pay for their rape kits. If Palin's vagina loves my vagina any more than it already does, my vulva lips might swallow her whole hole.

PS: Let's not forget to vote for DM's essay.

Bojamacakes by Jintrinsique

What are Bojamacakes? Feast your eyes on the below Jintrinsique original cupcakes designed exclusively for the McCunt essay contest winners. I'm plotzing. I'm starving. I'm drooling. My vulva lips are twitching from all of this decadence.


After you've gotten your foodie fix, be sure to cast your vote for DrugMonkey's sick essay, If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotor cuff

If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotator cuff

I come here today my friends not to bury John McCain, but to praise him. To share a tender loving family values snibble of time that I hope transcends politics.

You see my friends the presidential campaign trail is long and hard, like a penis, and at one point on that long, hard, soul sucking, maverick busting into party yes man presidential campaign trail, John's loving wife Cindy came up to him, ran her beerlicous fingers through his hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there."

A moment of tender humanity in the loveless inhuman world that is American presidential politics.

"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt" Is what John McCain said by way of reply. I'm not making that up. Three reporters witnessed it.

God that's hot.

I bet they had steaming sex that night. White-hot nuclear powered cuntaramic sex until that makeup ran down Cindy McCain's face like water through a hydroelectric dam.

Which means it's good news for you and me and everyone else who believes this world has enough McCains that Cindy is on the hot-flash side of menopause. Because if there's anything our friends on the right have taught us about sex, it's that the only way it should ever be done is the way God himself intended. 100 percent organic, natural and bareback baby, so that all those sperm cells, bacteria, viral critters and every other element of a man's lovegoo gets deposited in the bank of cunt without any artificial manufactured interference from the House of Trojan.

It really is better for everyone that way. Except maybe for the 42,000,000 people living with the AIDS. And the 22,000,000 people who have already died of the AIDS. It probably wasn't better for them. And the post-pubescent children who get pregnant and then pressured by their right wing God-fearing parents to pop out a shortie and think to themselves they'll catch up on the college later. Because while some of these children will have mothers who will go on to be nominated for Vice-President, most will live the rest of their lives at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to the fight to grab enough of an economic crumb or two to eke out a living.

So really, when I say it's better for everyone to have no glove humpy humpy. I mean everyone except for people of color and gay men, who are most likely to fall victim to AIDS, and women, who so far have had 100% of all recorded pregnancies. Except for maybe that dude on Oprah. Which just leaves....straight white guys.

Which is why I come here not to bury John McCain. Because I'm a straight white guy, and I don't need any competition from you cunts when I'm looking for a job. Have that baby and vote Republican bitch, because I'm up for promotion. I'll save some trickle down for you.

Don't worry though. Even if the whiteyman jihad continues past 2009, we can look forward to improvement. Think for a second, does George Bush have any idea what a trollop is?

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Oh, DrugMonkey, you continuously outdo yourself. Your essay is fan-fuckin-tastic! Thank you for playing. Darling readers, please leave your votes in comments. You have one week to vote for DrugMonkey's essay "If you listen closely as you read this, you can hear me reaching hard to create three, I may have torn a rotator cuff" The winner will receive Bojamacakes prepared by Jintrinsique. For a truly unforgettable cupcake fantasy fest, click over here.

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About my good friend DrugMonkey: DM has been a community pharmacist for 16 years. He has slowly been developing into the type of guy you would never expect to do such a thing. He's so quiet, never bothers anyone, just kinda keeps to himself, you know? His writing may be the only thing keeping him from doing such a thing.

Best Wedding Invitation EVAH

I never post e-forwards. I had to post this, though. It was too hilar not to pass along...

Dish and That

Today's finds at our local vintage market were a steal! A 1930s lamp that works, for -- wait for it -- $10! I'm plotzing. Love it hard. The vinty Hull vase below, I scored for $5, that I'm selling on e-bay asssapy.

Sunday marks the last day to vote for Mister Mister's hilarsquared essay for October's McCunt essay contest. Tomorrow I'm posting a brand spankin' new essay from the one and only DrugMonkey. I have one more space left in October, so if anyone wants to enter, go for it! The winner will receive a dozen Bojamacakes from pastry chef Jintrinsique.

We had three more kick ass PoliQ entries from Rhchatlienblog, TellingSecrets and ColorSweetTooth (thank you, beautiful babies). I'll be posting recaps and links to their outstanding answers on Tuesday.

Off to catch up on my blog readin'. I've decided to Palinize my Palinabulary.

Fuck Frannie Mae, Too Little, Too Late

I just read the below on Propeller.com, 90 Year-Old Woman Shoots Self Inside Foreclosed Home

A 90-year-old Akron, Ohio, woman who shot herself as sheriff's deputies tried to evict her from her foreclosed home became a symbol of the nation's home mortgage crisis Friday. Addie Polk is being treated at Akron General Medical Center after shooting herself at least twice in the upper body Wednesday afternoon, her city councilman said.

On Friday, Fannie Mae spokesman Brian Faith said the mortgage association had decided to halt action against Polk and sign the property "outright" to her. "We're going to forgive whatever outstanding balance she had on the loan and give her the house," Faith said. "Given the circumstances, we think it's appropriate."

Meanwhile, U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, mentioned Polk on the House floor Friday during debate over the latest economic rescue proposal. You can learn more about this tragic incident in the CNN video below.

If I own a home that's in foreclosure and I shoot myself, you'll forgive my outstanding balance and give me the house outright? A few near fatal shots to my body and I become a homeowner again with, I assume, great credit? In my book, this constitutes economic terrorism, right here in the good ol' U-S-of-A. Un-fucking-acceptable, unless Bush is charged for attempted murder.

Are you really bothering with voting?!

Via Diva DCup. Push it around, my loves.

Dish and That

My best friend, Jonuel Pozo is having his FIRST show at the OJO Gallery in Jersey City. Guthy and Bubbsie met him and loved him. He's fabulous. The show is called Meage a Quatre and his photographs will be featured. His photography work is like nothing you've ever seen. He's wildly talented.

Jersey City Artists Studio Tour 2008
Saturday, October 4th: 12-6
Sunday, October 5th: 12-6
Cocktail party tonight: 4-7
201-736-6922 / ojogallery@hotmail.com

Please attend! You will not be disappointed, I promise. I wish Wellie had a website I could send you to, but he doesn't. Other artists featured include, Marco Beria (adore him), Stefan Umaerus and Steve Cummings. Their work is deliciously dark.

Sarah Palin Debate Flow Chart

Thanks, Lewch, for e-stalking me this, it's SO FUNNY! Aden is the artist behind this fantabulous creation. Check out his bloggy blog.

I WANT PALIN'S VAGINA REVOKED!

After watching the debacle that is Palinoscopy during the veep debates, I have vowed never to eat apple pie again.

She doesn't deserve ownership of her vagina. The vadgeotricity living between her legs should be removed asssssapy.

During one of her many shitviews with Katie Couric, Palitler claimed herself a feminist because she hunted and fished alongside her brothers while growing up, and has a family and a career.

I don't know a single feminist who would regard charging a woman for a rape kit and making abortion illegal especially under extenuating circumstances, or who would go out of their way to espouse and institute laws that diminish a woman's equality, a feminist. She's the anti-feminist. And if she thinks true feminists are fucktarded enough to fall for her, she's grossly mistaken. Conservative women are speaking out against her. Conservatives.

The idea of an inarticulate, folksy, hokey, misogynist, power hungry dumb ass like Palin a heartbeat away from the presidency is terrifying. Her inability to answer direct questions by responding with nonsensical answers and chalking it up to only having been at this vice presidential thing for 5-weeks was offensive. She's clueless about federal and state policies, unless, of course they're about Alaska. Winking, disingenuously smiling and claiming her goal was to speak to Americans fell flatter than a split-ended head of hair.

During her interview on Fox News, she said she was irritated by Katie Couric's questions and that she wanted to speak about the real issues. Schmuck. Katie gave you a million-and-one opportunities to address real issues (Supreme Court Rulings, the economy, the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Bush Doctrine, etc. etc. etc) and you chose not to (cause you didn't know). You fucked up because you're an epic fucktard. Blaming the journalist in this case was so republican.

I fell out, yo, when Palin, a journalist major couldn't even name one new source she turns to. Saying people think Alaska is a foreign country-- what the fuck was that?!?! Since when do Americans think of Alaska as traveling abroad? PS: I wanted to say, "Ya nevah heard a' the fuckin' internet, cuntress?"

Biden was brilliant, articulate and answered every question directly, honestly and thoughtfully. He came across as very much an average guy who is an advocate for equal rights. I loved when he claimed Cheney as the most dangerous vice president in history. He was sooo right. Stating his intentions to ensure the role of the veep follow what was outlined in the constitution, not what was amended by Cheney was exactly what I wanted to hear. I know exactly what Obama and Biden stand for and what they will do for this country. They actually have working class and middle class Americans best interests at heart. The presidency isn't about their agenda, it's about giving our country back to us. Yet, I can't figure out how McCain and Palin differ from the Bush Cheney regime. If anything, they want more power. They won't be happy until they've run this country even farther into the ground than it already is and overturned every single civil liberty we have.

Letterman's Top 10 Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp were hilarsquared.
10. "Let's practice your bewildered silence."
9. "Can you try saying 'yes' instead of 'you betcha'?"
8. "Hey, I can see Mexico from here!"
7. "Maybe we'll get lucky and there won't be any questions about Iraq, taxes or health care."
6. "We're screwed!"
5. "Can I just use that lipstick-pit bull thing again?"
4. "We have to wrap it up for the day -- McCain eats dinner at 4:30."
3. "Can we get Congress to bail us out of this debate?"
2. "John Edwards wants to know if you'd like some private tutoring in his van."
1. "Any way we can just get Tina Fey to do it?"

*Photo credit goes to an anonymous blogger who left this fabulous gift in comments. I wish I could thank him or her for it. THANK YOU

And The Winner of the September McCunt Essay Contest Is

The country is going to hell in a bushbag. We're all too stressed out to breathe and too busy not to. In the midst of all of this turmoil, we gotta have a little fun... news?!?! Sure, the debates tomorrow will be a scream and probably draw more viewers than the Superbowl.

I am VERY proud to announce the winner of the September McCunt Essay Contest.... Drumroll, please.... FRANNYLICIOUS!

CONGRATULATIONS, BUBBIE!! MAZEL TOV!! YAHOO!! YOU HAVE WON A DOZEN BOJAMACAKES BY the DIVINE Ms. JINTRINSIQUE, Pastry Chef, arteest and kick ass dame.

This was a damn close race, I mean realllllllllllllllly close. If this were the presidential election, we'd be shvitsing like dawgs, pulling our hair out and panicking.

I wish I could send Bojamacakes to everyone who took the time to contribute their brilliant, hilarious prose. You are all winners and divine peeps I adore, and am grateful to know. A million thank you's to JDC, ZipGirl, TravelingManRick and Frannygirl.

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Mister Mister's inappropriately funny essay is the first one posted for the October McCunt essay contest. Be sure to cast your vote in comments, please. Loving...