Katie Schwartz

I'll be dipped in Jesus' shit, I think the Christian site I'm way OCD about broke the fuck up with me. I am hoppin' fuckin' mad. That's not right. It's the holidays. Either you break up with someone a month before Thanksgiving or after the first week of January. That's a break-up rule. Not to mention the fact that it's very anti-Christian. What if I was on the road to redemption?! What about my soul? Has she no interest in salvaging that?! Mother fucker.

I have been a real fuckball blogger this week. I suck fat mannequin ass. It's been a hell of a week. Did you know Evil Knieval died? He peeled at 69. I wasn't a fan or anything. But, he was Evil Knieval. That name alone warrants some type of honorable mention, right? I'm on a Christian tear again. I've noticed that many of the Christian blogs I fly threw, prioritize God before their families. I don't know about you, but if my ma said she loved God more than me, it would be a real self-esteem buzz kill. Let's break it down. If I was the husband, I wouldn't feel half as sexy. J-man had abs of steel, a kitsch thorn hat and strutted around in a loin cloth. How do you compete with that?! He oozed power and presence. If I was the child of a born again, I'd feel like I could never live up to Jesus' standards. I can't turn water into wine. I can't walk on water. I can't bring things back from the dead or resurrect more than my own erection (if...

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