Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Non-Sequitur Dish. Keep Pace


Danny Bonaduce has a MySpace page. Yeah. I know. Not one peeny pick. Though, he is wearing cheap mascara and dirty black eyeliner. I swear to God, this man's face looks like a prunicated, geriatric ball sack, dredged in vintage tar and soaked in southern chewed tobacco. I'm so glad he's not looking up from between my legs. I'd kill myself.



Busy day. Went to the laundrette tonight with my sister. We had such a laugh. I dished with an old friend. Weird convo. I'm afraid we're growing apart. You know those long pauses, like when you feel the person you're talking to is holding something back that you can't quuuuite put your finger on?! This was that. I hope not. I'd be such a bluejew. We've known each other for over 20 years.



I was thinking about the zelly set today and how they prioritize their love. The Lord comes first. Husband/wife second. Kids third. I'd have such a complex. Yes, I know they're freaks.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Oops


My divine cleaning diva now knows that I masturbate and it makes me a lil' uncomfortable. She's such a doll this broad. Since The Kid died there are some things I haven't been able to clean, so she comes in once a month to clean those things. I'm a freak, I know. When I'm ready, I'll clean those things myself. Anywho, I forgot that she also rips through drawers to organize them. I also forgot to hide my tools of the trade. You'd think she'd have left that drawer alone once she opened it. No. Not her. She organized my tools, according to size no less. Oy vey a shmear. Personally, I woulda left it alone. You know it has to be discussed, right? The question is, should I buy her one, and discuss that way, or should I ask her to refrain from organizing that particular drawer? Thoughts?


Did everyone have a delish Thanksgiving? Big weekend plans?


My Internet was down. It's back up. My modem peeled. The man came out today and gave me a new one. Ain't he sweet. Fortunately, when I heard the bleep-bleep-bleep of a truck outside, I flew onto the stoop ready to grab him. He had my name down as David Lieberman. I was insistent that he realize he was there for my jewrack, not some Jewjunk. How you get David Lieberman from Katie Schwartz will haunt me almost as much as Lady Hortz, which was way more plausible... I'M JUST SAYIN'.

Monday, November 19, 2007

A Little of This...


Bartholomew is doing a real bang up job tonight on naybah girl. I reckon the boy found her g-spot tonight. Good show, Bartholomew. I'm thrilled for you. Dying to know what he looks like. She's showering him in yelping mew's, gasping to call out his full name. You know how she likes to do.

Check out these keywords I've been coming up on:
  • danny bonaduce penis and danny bonaduce's penis: One post and now I'm the bondaduce teen peen queen?!
  • coco fishnet and coco fishnet dress: I post about her split knish, not her fishnets
  • vintage pussy: vinty whore, yes. geriatric porn fan, no.
  • christian domestic discipline: OCD about that, sweetie
  • john mayer jewish: Is he one of us?
  • Katie Schwartz: I would hope so. I'm disappointed nobody searched for cunt and found my blog.
  • thyroid: Good. Good. Really good.
  • pussy eating contest: wrong blog. I run vadgelip contests
I've had a rather successful menses this month, donchya think?!



Thank you all so much for your incredible kindness, support and generosity. Ah, ya's had me kvelly and teary with your wonderful comments and delishmails. A million thanks just doesn't cut it. Dildos? Vibrators? Cock rings? I guess a fruit basket won't make the cut after that, huh?! THANK YOU!!!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Best News Evaaaaaah!


So.So.So. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what?! I'M A FORTHCOMING TITLE. I've never been a forthcoming title. It's fuckin' tits, ahhhhkay. My essay collection is being published in the spring of 08' by So New Media, Amy Guth's publisher. It gets bettah, BFF Amy Guth is EDITING MY BOOK. I know! Are you plotzing and kvelling?! ME TOO. I'm beside myself. Don't ask. It's positively the most wonderful thing in the world. I am so excited. This Jewbroad is the luckiest dame on the planet.



Guthy, thank you for bringing my collection to ya publisher and fah being the menschiest of menschy dames and oy where do I begin?!



Crionaberry, we discussed... you know, my sweet.



Thank you to the most supportive and divine writerly writer friends and fellow bloggers. Ah, you just don't know. When times are shitty, ya's are there. When they're great, you're there, too. You're the best community I have ever known. If I could stuff ya's inside my womb and show you how much I appreciated you, I would. But, you'd have to fly in via my cunt. I say that like it's a bad thing. What am I blogtarded?!

Mama Gin Strikes Again


One of my favey bloggers, CPunchman is guest posting on All the Way from Oy to Vey! I'm so excited!


If you are as a big a fan as I am of Mama Gin, you will love this. What Cpunchman captures is always genius.




-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Gentle Readers of All the Way from Oy to Vey,



Katie has generously offered to host this week's episode of "The Mama Gin Files." I was unable to post it on the front page of Coaster Punchman's World for fear of retribution by Poor George, who forbade me from publishing the video. However, since the trials and tribulations of living with Mama Gin is my story too I feel altogether entitled --- at least as long as I don't get caught.



Click here to experience Poor George trying to practice his bass clarinet in the face of Mama Gin's daily dose of harassment.


Google Video has been acting really weird lately, so it may take several clicks on the "play" button before you actually get to see the video. (It might tell you it's "unavailable" a bunch of times - something Google is trying to iron out.)


And if you aren't amused by crazy Chinese ladies harassing their gay sons, there are also some cute cats in the video. Maybe that will make up for it.


Enjoy.
CP

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Oh What a Menses it has been!



Yesterday, I started menstruating and got good news. Today, I was cramp free and flowing a'plenty and I got the BEST FUCKING NEWS EVAAAAH. I will loop all of ya's shortly. I have a few phone calls to make and e-stalks to send. You know how you do. This weekend, I'll be spilling like nobody's bizola. All's I can say is The Kid's an angel and he's really looking out'fah his mama.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'm Menstruating and More!



This afternoon I started my menses. Last night, I was in crampsnatchville. Today, the cramps are very heating pad friendly and the flow is steady as she womb rolls. No clotting. No tempests. Just standard menstrual happenings in flangette town. Tonight I am prepared for a war zone and believe you me, I will win the war.


According to Spinner.com, LL Cool J's pre-concert peenyquirements are "(1) small bottle of Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil and 24 long stem de-thorned roses".



Let me tell you why I love him so hard for this, he's creating a romantic masturbatory experience and sharing it with the world. The visuals are fabulous. I imagine he dims the lights. Stands in front of the mirror and slowly takes off his shirt, smirking at his reflection and gushing at the image of himself. He watches himself jerk off and cum into each rosebud. It's just a hunch, ahhhkay. According to rumor, his cock is otherworldly huge, like vadgey run for your life huge.



Speaking of cocks, check out today's spam headline that came in my box: stimulate a tremendous shlong Katie. Spammers might not know my gender, but at least they know I'm a Jew. Props, children, props.


You must, must, must read Guthy's latest 6S, Juniper Place, it's an excerpt from her second novel and it is so beautifully written. You'll fall madly in love with this character in just six small sentences. Run. Read. Now.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Fixx Reading Series



This Thursday, November 15th, don't miss Amy Guth's The Fixx Reading Series!


Here's the dish from Ames, pay attention, children. That's your cue to be good listeners. That was my big teacher moment. I've always wanted to have one, I just envisioned it would be with a man... Wait, I'm getting sidetracked - FOCUS, PLEASE.

The Fixx Reading for this month has been thoughtfully moved forward as to not get lost in the shuffle. So, that means that you can get your lit fixx this Thursday, November 15th @ 7:30pm with this month's guests: John Sheppard author of Small Town Punk and Renee Rosen author of Every Crooked Pot


The Fixx Coffee Bar
3053 N Sheffield Ave.
Chicago, IL

Please note that due to various winter holidays, there will be no reading in December but a stunningly awesome January event, to be sure.

You heard the broad, get your Fixx, peeps. Great authors. Great host. What's bad?! Bupkas that's what. Run like a dawg this Thursday night.

The Writer's Strike


Of course you've heard of the writer's strike, you're not writetarded. Make no mistake this is a no-joke ishy of epic proportions. The writers are in the right. Writers are asking for 4 cents. 4 cents-- that's it. The networks and studios would rather lose millions of dollars every day than pay 4 cents. This makes sense to you?! Oy vey.


Check out this fantastic video Why We Fight, first discovered on my favey new site Very Hot Jews.










Shows are shutting down. The ripple is in full effect. Producers and below the line peeps are being laid off and fired. Authors scheduled to promote their books on late night can't. So many financial hardships could result from this mishogos. All this ahj is worth not forking over 4 cents?! I have nothing to say and everything to tawk.



I found a fabylicious interview with Joe Medeiros head writer for The Tonight Show. Oh, wait, not done yet, and equally juicyviews with writer/producers Judd Apatow, James Brooks and Gary Shandling. Sign a few petitions and show your support. This one and this one.



Boost my button, the one on the right lapel of my bloggy, the typewriter. Hey, I'm not a fuckin' designer. I'm a writer for crissakes. Whadya expect?!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The Jewish Reconnection Project







The Jewish Reconnection Project is spearheaded by Todd Schechter.

Todd said, "The video is the first in a web-only mini series I produced called the Jewish Reconnection Project. It shows young Jews in New York and Jerusalem talking to each other and sharing how their Judaism affects their lives. It's meant to give viewers a sense of the diversity of Jews around the world and to let college age people express their own ideas about Judaism. Ultimately, we hope that helping disparate groups of Jews understand each other will make for a stronger, healthier Jewish community. New episodes will come out every Wednesday for the next six weeks."

It's a six part series that you can view on their site or over at YouTube (links below). I've posted the first installment Chance for Peace. The other installments are Morally Damaged, Our Promised Land, Jewish Enough, Necessary Criteria and A Place to Call Home.

I watched the videos (5-6 minutes a pop. Ya'can't spare a half-hour?) I'm joining the Shmooze Group. You should, too. Pushy enough?! To learn more about The Jewish Reconnection Project and Todd's vision click here. Ga'head.

The videos are so well done and so interesting to watch. Some views you'll share, others you might not, but the project works because you feel connected.

Mazel Tov, Todd. Beautiful work.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The Toilet Revolution


This lovely asspalace cost a mere 1.2 million dollars. It's being built by Sim Jae-duck, chairman of the World Toilet Association. I had no idea that an actual toilet association existed. Oh, but it super does, complete with a delightful anal stimulating photo gallery. There's even a world toilet college. Just what I always wanted, an advanced degree in shit. Outside of fetishists, who would dream of becoming a shit erector? They even have a section dedicated to toilet entertainment. WTA must think we're shittards. Every savvy shitter I know fills their bathroom with the latest and greatest in shitware.


Lucky us, they have games, too! Catch a shit and Toilet Trouble Quiz were topping my list until I discovered Bathroom Chemistry Quiz: Do you know what’s in your toilet? I digress, I'm a shittard. Hi. Keenly aware of all the anal mishigos that goes on in my porcelain goddess.


Here are some excerpts from the article Mr Toilet Nears Completion of Commode-Shaped House.



"Sim is building the two-story house set to be finished Sunday to commemorate the inaugural meeting later this month of the World Toilet Association. The group, supported by the South Korean government, aims no less than to launch a "toilet revolution," by getting people to open their bathroom doors for the sake of improving worldwide hygiene."



"The toilet revolution should start with talking about toilet issues freely," said Song Young-kwon, head of the organizing committee for the five-day conference that opens Nov. 21. The Seoul conference will be accompanied by a toilet expo featuring exhibits to excite the public about the cause: including a "Hansel and Gretel" bathroom made from cookies and candy that gives presents to children when they flush, and a "toilet gallery cafe" where people can sit on colorful commodes while drinking tea."



And what about for seniors? They get bupkas? I guess the gift of shit is gift enough.


Children can pee in Mother Theresa. There goes a few more future fuckable men on the planet. I wonder if the flushtone is Ave Maria. That should help in contributing to ailing peens everywhere. In case that fails, boys can pish into an alligator's mouth. Let's hope it growls and howls. No future peeny dysfunction writing on that wall.



After peeing on Mother Theresa's eyes and claiming it was an act of God, give the kid a sweet piece of ass to wash his hands in. His weepeen won't reach her in the from-behind-zone. Luckily, his nose will be smack dab in the center of her tuchas, thereby stirring his imagination of one day becoming a graduate of the World Toilet College.


And, finally, children.... The last excerpt worth mentioning from the article, "Occupants gain access to the roof balcony around the rim of the "bowl" by climbing up stairs through what would be a toilet drain - which is equipped to collect rain for some functions to conserve drinking water. The home is encased in smooth, white-painted steel that appears similar to the ceramics used to make toilets."



After rimming your way inside, he'll be serving tossed salad with unpurified toilet water. I sure hope I get an invite!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Unfuckable Laugh


I am the first to admit that I have a hearty, robust laugh. I live to laugh. It's my drug of choice. I howl and even snort at times. With all of those laughoibles, I have never been told that my laugh was unfuckable. EVAH.



Today, I witnessed an unfuckable, haunting laugh. A laugh so high pitched, so duplicitous and so from-the-neck cackley (not the womb, which is much deeper and more authentic), I wanted to vomit. No, run. No, vomit. No, run. Both. Yes, both.



This broad exploited and perverted laughter. It was an atrocity. She couldn't be stopped. She laughed mid-bad-joke and at no-joke. She abused laughter, reviled it and stripped it of integrity. I am appalled, shaken and disgusted.



PS: This bag'a bones keeps landing easy-on-the-eyes peen and with a laugh gone so shamefully awry. Oy vey.


PSS: I can also report that she laughs in front of her peeny suitors. I wonder if they're deaf.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

So Much Dish So Little Time



Oy, so much to say. Ahhhkay-- my darling Virgo (love'ha), hooked me up with a menses link that seriously took my wig off today. You know what a menstrual maven I am.



Metaformia, A Journal of Menstruation and Culture. When I logged on, it was love at first sight. I needed this today (thank you, Virg). Can I just tell you that Metaformia is a lip smackin' literary menses feast for the soul. There are articles, essays and poems. The poem I read today was so perfect. The blood we don't discuss, the blood that gets no love. Run. Read. Now: All Blood is Menstrual Blood by Judy Grahn.



I started linkdating VeryHotJews today. Super Jewey noshables. Run. Read. Now.



My father sent me a facebook friend request. It was sweet and funny in a new-millennium-dad-like-sort-of-way.



My darling DrugNazi (love him), sent me a snippet of Christian dish (thank you, bubbie) that made no fuckin' sense to me and seems like very anti-zealy behavior.

The Christian Nudist Convocation (CNC) Our name summarizes what we're all about: Christian - CNC events are first and foremost Christian events. We seek to honor God through the Lord Jesus Christ. That is our primary motivation. Nudist - Secondarily, we affirm the goodness of our bodies exactly as God created them. Convocation - Finally, we believe in the value of gathering as likeminded people for mutual encouragement and fellowship.

Whatever happened to that part in the zealy bible about, oh, you know, what is that again? Right... maaahdesty, maaahdesty, maaahdesty. Translation: Don't be struttin' your slut in front of no mans unleth-he-ya'huthband. And, mens don't be lettin' the kettle and tea bags shwing in the wind for her to see. gluttonous, hypocritical, bush votin', gun totin', "g" droppin' whooa's all of em.

Monday, November 05, 2007

The Faith Between Us


The Faith Between Us is a new book written by Peter Bebergal (Jew) and Scott Korb (Catholic). Scott sent me excerpts. PS: I bought it. Can't wait to receive it and read it.


The writing is exquisite, soulful, honest and insightful. Their friendship, the way they became friends and ultimately co-authors of The Faith Between Us-- Ah, so kvelly. The exploration of religion by their design and the way they seamlessly bridge the gap will take your wig off and bring tears to your eyes. It's beautiful. I can't wait to read it.


Please buy this book. Catch a reading. Check out their work. I am loving them so hard right now it's just not funny.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Happy Birthday Teeny!


Happy Birthday Teeny Weeny!
I wish you good health, creative inspiration and an abundance of happiness.


e-stalk our beloved Tanya Espanya a very happy birthday. Or leave a comment here. Or on her bloggy...


I'm plotzing our teenajha is becoming a woman.

Love,
Schwartzy

 

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