Katie Schwartz

I'M FUCKING OBSESSED.

I feel like she doesn't. it kind of bothers me. fear not, I have a plan: leewee , here's a masturbation-sex meemish that I wrote just for you. however, you are free to tag a few of our fearless soldierettes. 1. did you lose your virginity to steve cauble or jesus christ ? 2. did you masturbate to jesus or another high school crush? 3. have you ever masturbated? 4. if so, do you recall the age and whether or not you had an orgasm? 5. was it vaginal or clitoral? 6. what is the best way to reach a woman's g-spot, and does it involve any " hymns "? 7. do you masturbate weekly, monthly or just on special occasions? 8. do you have a vibrator, a dildo or a shame-o (you know, a homemade vadge ride)? 9. do you feel dirty after you masturbate? if so, how do you cleanse? do you use a special talc? 10. what's your favorite porn? bush christmas or it came upon the midnight clear?

you know you love your new nickname, leewell, donchya? it's camp, lighthearted, even a bit whimsical. OK. we ARE SO done with flattery time. do you know why? because, missy, I have a bone to pick. a serious, ginormous bone(r). STOP IT, KATIE. leewee. get it? it's a pee pee joke. seriously, welch(es) (oh, that sounds like felches). but, welches, that's a juice of the grape variety. good for blood pressure. ya ever get a spike, leepee? if you do, suck that liquid back like it's the blood o' j. so, child of a lesser god, though you don't email me back, I'm holding my breath in the hopes that you will. I don't understand why you didn't go to church for christmas. that's so harsh, dude. you know he felt slighted. you hock him all year long and the one day he asks you to toss a lil' thought his way, what do you do? you eat mexican food and open prizes. girl, you're like, omg, I hate to say it, but the... anti-christ. I am so disheartened by yo...

ok. point blank. the j-lovin diva is getting thin again and she's chucking her quacker factory prints for real life people clothing . what the fuck?! this sucks ass. it's totally unfair. those are not store boughten c-bones either. those are real. cruel, I tell you, cruella de ville squared. breathe, schwartzy, breathe. this crotchmas, our blair outdid herself. she threw a big ol' tarjay soiree. "our annual, Target Party for the Cauble kids. Each year, they invite their friends to the local Target store for a party. I went to Target early and bought $5.00 gift cards for every girl, Sharpee'd their names on them, and hid them for the morning Advent Calendar hunt. It is always so much fun to see which kids actually try to find something good and which ones buy the biggest gag gift they can find." big christian fun. wait! it gets better. "Christmas day was as magical as it should be. Full of gifts, home movies. traditions, homemade biscuits, naps, movies, M...