the perks of being jesus

total job security. nobody ever questions jesus. he doesn't get reprimanded or written up. it's assumed that he does his job. he's regarded as a skilled multi-tasking go-getter. but, I've never seen a monthly report, have you?

he's slim and in great shape. the man can eat anything he wants, and pig out until the cows come home. but, he never gains an ounce! he doesn't exercise and still, that jesus is so ripped.

he's a world traveler and apparently shows up at all major functions without ever having to buy a new outfit or pay for travel expenses. wouldn't it be great if loin cloths and white robes would catch on? oh, wait, the white robes have caught on, but I don't think the klan counts. do they?

he's been on the new york times best seller list forever. he's sold more copies of his books than any other author in the world.

he's ambisexual and has slept with some very prominent figures, like, mary, matthew, mark, luke, and john. yet, he's never had to pay for a date. how many men and women do you know who put out for flatbread and a piece of boiled fish?!

between the fundamentalists and the republicans, he takes a hit for the team ALL THE TIME and never complains about it. he's epitomizes being taken advantage of, but he's very cool about it. I've never once seen him deck anyone. you?

he's got a super pleasant disposition. he never raises his voice or gets angry. he's very even keeled that jesus. I wonder if he takes zolaft...

he's very popular with boys and girls. very much a social butterfly. extroverted even. he's never been called weird or or anti-social. he's the life of the party!

though he's wayyyy close to his mother, I don't think he's regarded as a mamma's boy. he's been able to seperate himself from her. he doesn't run to her every time he has an issue with a girl.

he's well read and keeps up on current events.

he's very well branded. you'll find his likeness in paintings, sculptures, photographs and on catchy phrased chachkeys like, what would jesus do, keyrings, mousepads, undies and t-shirts.

all in all, jesus has a pretty great gig. and, he seems to enjoy it. he doesn't have medical expenses. he doesn't have to worry about a pension or about saving money. it just doesn't suck being jesus.