Monday, October 09, 2006

the perks of being jesus

total job security. nobody ever questions jesus. he doesn't get reprimanded or written up. it's assumed that he does his job. he's regarded as a skilled multi-tasking go-getter. but, I've never seen a monthly report, have you?

he's slim and in great shape. the man can eat anything he wants, and pig out until the cows come home. but, he never gains an ounce! he doesn't exercise and still, that jesus is so ripped.

he's a world traveler and apparently shows up at all major functions without ever having to buy a new outfit or pay for travel expenses. wouldn't it be great if loin cloths and white robes would catch on? oh, wait, the white robes have caught on, but I don't think the klan counts. do they?

he's been on the new york times best seller list forever. he's sold more copies of his books than any other author in the world.

he's ambisexual and has slept with some very prominent figures, like, mary, matthew, mark, luke, and john. yet, he's never had to pay for a date. how many men and women do you know who put out for flatbread and a piece of boiled fish?!

between the fundamentalists and the republicans, he takes a hit for the team ALL THE TIME and never complains about it. he's epitomizes being taken advantage of, but he's very cool about it. I've never once seen him deck anyone. you?

he's got a super pleasant disposition. he never raises his voice or gets angry. he's very even keeled that jesus. I wonder if he takes zolaft...

he's very popular with boys and girls. very much a social butterfly. extroverted even. he's never been called weird or or anti-social. he's the life of the party!

though he's wayyyy close to his mother, I don't think he's regarded as a mamma's boy. he's been able to seperate himself from her. he doesn't run to her every time he has an issue with a girl.

he's well read and keeps up on current events.

he's very well branded. you'll find his likeness in paintings, sculptures, photographs and on catchy phrased chachkeys like, what would jesus do, keyrings, mousepads, undies and t-shirts.

all in all, jesus has a pretty great gig. and, he seems to enjoy it. he doesn't have medical expenses. he doesn't have to worry about a pension or about saving money. it just doesn't suck being jesus.


Writeprocrastinator said...

You know that you're going to Hades for that jpeg...

ooops, I meant Nebraska. But it's gonna feel like an eternity!

yournamehere said...

"Jesus is just all right, oh yeah"

Ms Smack said...

yournamehere, funny how that song sticks.... now im sticking it...

Katie... i love the way you write. You make me laugh AND you make complete sense !

Jon said...

Funny post. I usually refrain from posting links to my own blog as a comment, but I thought WWJD? And the answer was: link to Jon's blog about Jesus from a few months ago. You seem like you'll appreciate it.

katie schwartz said...

oh, gee, wp, I hope I end up as an employee of the covenant trucking company. do you know it? look it up!

thank you, sweet honey smack, and right back atchya. speaking of that, I've been checking your blog daily and bupkas! when are you gonna update?? I love reading you! you're a savvy hysterical sexual dame.

grazie, jonny... I read your post. I laughed my ass off!

click through and read his post. it's so funny!

Writeprocrastinator said...

If everything that Google popped up is true, The Covenant Trucking Company shouldn't even be allowed to have the word "Christian" in the tile. The point of being "Christian" is to be Christ-like, not Wal Mart-like.


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