Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Happy Birthday, Lewchie

He is the Editor-in-Chief of Astonishing Adventures Pulp Magazine, a wickedly dark artist, a brilliant writer and a great friend, and today is his birthday! Lewchie, John Donald Carlucci, I wish you the happiest birthday ever.

This is your year, kid. I know it. I feel it in my bones. I wish you the world. Click over and wish him a very happy birthday, por favor.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

This Just In

I never ask ya's to sign petitions. Now, I'm akksin. Here's the dish and the URL:

"In 2007, the 'artist' Guillermo Vargas Habacuc, took a dog from the street, tied him to a rope in an art gallery, and starved him to death. For several days, the 'artist' and the visitors of the exhibition have watched emotionless the shameful 'masterpiece' based on the dog's agony, until eventually he died.

The prestigious Visual Arts Biennial of the Central American decided that the 'installation' was actually art, so that Guillermo Vargas Habacuc has been invited to repeat his cruel action for the biennial of 2008.


It's free of charge, there is no need to register, and it will only take 1 minute to save the life of an innocent creature."

Please, please, please sign this petition.

Dish and That, Get it? Instead of This and That. Duh, Schwartz

I e-stalked Peter Bebergal, co-author of The Faith Between us, another book I’ve been reading. It's great soul food, lots of spiritual nourishment that helped in the faith restoration department—you know, faith in oneself and the-dirty-little-secret-that-is faith in God. By the by, authors P&K take God out of the closet, introspectively, passionately, humorously and beautifully. I love it. You know the drill,

Ya’s all know that I’m a big proud Jew, that’s true. My relationship with God has also evolved and shifted many times. One of the things I adore the most about being Jewish is the latitude (I feel) it affords me to ask questions and search for enlightenment and atonement on my clock and on my terms. I digress. After sharing with Peter how much his book has impacted me (you must read it, really. Peter and Scott Korb wrote it, Jewish and Catholic, respectively.) I was telling him about this dame I ran into while waiting for an elevator en route to a doctor’s appointment. She asked me what I was reading (I schlepped The Faith Between us for moral support).

I told her what the book was about and why I thought she should read it. To say she had an adverse reaction would be a compliment—“Ewws” and “Yucks” followed by, “Books about religion make me SO angry.” Etc. Etc. Etc. This, after saying, “I’m a Jew like you.” A dame that presumptuous, please, a fast friendship had to be born. I followed her into the waiting room and pleaded with her to read Scott and Peter’s introduction. She did. PS: She fell so in love with the book, she asked me if she could keep it. Of course I gave it to her, duh.

I know I’m droning on. Anyhoodle…

I noticed that Peter and I are on a panel together at the
Pilcrow Lit Fest, Re-Routing: Recovery and other things that change the creative process, moderated by poet, Adam Deutsch. Other fabulous authors on the panel, Gail Konop Baker, Lynn Brewer, Rachel Cline, Cristina Henriquez and Amy Sayre-Roberts (I couldn’t find her webbysite).

I mentioned that to Peter in an email, and he asked me about my yarn re: recovery. Talk about a pausey-pause moment. I needed to think about that hard because I haven’t talked about it with anyone except my family, a handful of friends and my psychiatrist. I wrote a lot about it in my forthcoming title, Emotionally Pantsed. Though it’s not something I talk about. My roid of thy has been this crazy secret, categorized in shame and guilt. Of late, I feel a culmination of fear and need to start dishing about it from all perspectives.

I spilled the abridged version to Peter and felt dirty afterwards (overly dramatic enough?! I know). Still. That gave me the confidence to blog a wee bit about it
here. I felt the same queer ass dirtiness. Oy. However, something incredible happened. I got emails from two bloggers (I won’t mention because I’m a freak about protecting people’s privacy) conveying their thyroid mishigas, and asking me to share mine. It was incredible. I knew that I made the right decision to start draggin' my ass outta the thyloset (ha). It took a day or two to email the deets. I guess what held me back was wondering what they would think of me after reading about it because I'm still figuring a few things out-- It’s a process. Then again, what isn't?! PS: The comments on the post were so supportive and menschy and I so appreciated that.

On a super up note, I am figuring it out. And I like that. It's slow, yes, but it works. I'll also be dishing more about it.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Happy Anniversary

One of our favorite bloggers is celebrating her one year anniversary! Click over to CatolishaJewess, Frannylish's blog and wish that diva a very happy anniversary. Ga'head. Wait til' ya see that goigeous, happy shana punim, you'll plotz!

Thank You, Coffeylish

I just got the most fuck-off-fabulous postcard from our beloved Cup-of-Coffey. My crackberry's photo abilities don't do this baby justice. My apologies.

The quote underneath these two adorable divas reads, "Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practise witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." --Pat Robertson, US Politician, 1992


Thank you, Bethy, you made my day, child.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

And How Was Your Week, Schwartzy?

I feel menstrually betrayed. My sister and her BFF began menstruating on Friday without me. No memo was sent to my womb. Here I sit in a PMS stupor going it solo. While in the car with her last night, I courted her hormones with champagne, strawberries, chocolate, salty potato chips-n-dip, anything to entice the mones to mingle with mine so wombareena would bleed. This morning... bupkas. Refresh. Sigh.

In an effort to drag myself out of the thyroid closet that I've been living in for the past five plus years, here's the dish: I got fabbylish news last night from my endocrinologist about my thyroid. I'm 14 points away from having a balanced thyroid. Having been severely hyper and hypothyroid for so long, those 14 points have taken my wig off, I'm over the moon. Your thyroid regulates your mind and body. If that bitch goes awry, all bets are off-- youse are all kinds of jacked whether you're hypothyroid or hyperthyroid. Anyhoodle, in my forthcoming title (Emotionally Pantsed) from So New Media Publishing (check out their fly new website), I wrote all about my thyroid mishigos and, yes... disease (Graves' disease and a rare version of Graves' Ophthalmology). I could end with something wise ass like, "Eww, disease, who wants to fuck me, now?" Or "Is Jewgirl contagious?!" I won't and for the record, I'm not. Though I am still trying to figure out if my eggs are. I want to say (ha), I won't.

My website is almost done. I know, I know, I know, "Jewgirl, you keep saying that. Gahhhhd." The design is finished. After I update the content, she/me will be online. One more week, please. Loving...

Newest blog crushes: Yikes 101, Politits' Unglued and FreidaBee.

Yikes101, I'm new to her blog and I'm crushing hard. She's a feminist, a liberal and outspoken in the very best way-- what's not to kvell about?! Her political posts are off the mothah fuckin' hook.

Politits recently created a new blog called Unglued chronicling her major life changes, separation, parenting, work, etc... Her posts about The Celibacy Project and falling off the abbywagon are outstanding and gut wrenching.

We all know and adore FreidaBee. Her posts are funny and smart and her poetry is beautiful. This particular post, What Up? provides a glimpse into, well, all of our heads, really. What Up is a barrage of questions chronically racing through FreidaBee's mind, and I think, our brains, too. Read it, it's hauntingly beautiful.

Only a few more weeks until Pilcrow, 4 to be exact. Have yas donated? See the ChipIn widget on the sidebar? Hit it, beautiful babies. A few more "Five With's" have been posted on the Pilcrow Lit Fest blog, Elaine Soloway, Jami Attenberg (phenomenal authors and dames) and Adam Deutsch, a fabulous poet with a new title out, North Park Gallery Series.

Apartment on Twin Peaks

One of the poems I fell madly, wildly and desperately in love with is in the pages of one of the books I'm reading at the minee, "Women of the Beat Generation". So in love, I can't put it down.

Apartment on Twin Peaks, Written by Helen Adam:

I remember, when the moon shines clear
How I'd whisper in my husband's ear
Like a dentist saying "Open wider"
"Don't you want to be a good provider?"

"Don't you want to be the gracious host
In a lovely home of which you're proud to boast?
When my girl friends come to call
We've got to have carpeting from wall to wall."

After the carpeting he fought and bled
Trapped in the jaws of the Davenport bed!
He screamed as he vanished up the vacuum spout.
In triple-sealed bags it spat him out.

We chased his skull across the Twin Peaks stones.
Maud's pet Chihuahuas ate the rest of his bones.

Another gnawed ghost, another gone man,
Another mild husband in the garbage can
Served up colder than his marriage vows
On his bones let Chihuahuas browse.

Tell me this poem doesn't make your vulva lips twitch and your womb spontaneously combust with creative possibilities and promise.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The Most Brilliant Paragraph Evah

By way of Guthy, I found Lauren Cerand's very New-York-literary-fabulous blog and an interview about her, and that's how I found the paragraph in: Women of the Beat Generation, a book I'd never read, though something I have been searching for. Today, it arrived and I am devouring it. I'm 50 pages into it and can't put it down. I'm savoring every word. It's all brilliant, one of the paragraphs is without a doubt the most brilliant I've ever read:

"In many ways, women of the Beat were cut from the same cloth as the men: fearless, angry, high risk, too smart, restless, highly irregular. They took chances, made mistakes, made poetry, made love, made history. Women of the Beat weren't afraid to get dirty. They were compassionate, careless, charismatic, marching to a different drummer, out of step. Muses who birthed a poetry so raw and new and full of power that it changed the world. Writers whose words weave spells, whose stories bind, whose vision blinds. Artists for whom curing the disease of art kills."

Did that take your wig off?! I re-read it a dozen times, it took my breath away.

PS: Lauren (literary publicist) will be moderating "The State of Small Press & Independent Publishing Panel" at the Pilcrow Lit Fest in Chicago May 22nd-May 25th.

PSS: To kick off Earth week, check out this divine eco-creativity on The Debutante Ball by Amy.

In The News

From this article, Polygamist Women, I read the below two snippets and laughed my ass off. In fact, I do believe these could be the most hilarious things I've ever read in my life:

Polygamist Women Set Their Own Style, Celebrity stylist Ted Gibson said the women's unique hairdo gives off a "homely" impression. "It says 'I don't really care very much. I really don't have time to worry about the way that I look, because I have 20 children,'" he said. "He's going from wife to wife to wife, so why should I look any better than the other ones?"

The idea of a celebrity stylist being called to comment on polygamist fashion is as obscene as what's next, a reality makeover show. And we all know it's right around the corner. I predict Lips Rinna will host with Carson (from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy).

Anyway, it seems to me that if anyone was called to comment on polyfashionistas, it should've been students of polygamy, like, oh, I don't know, an anthropologist, maybe a theologian or two, and the odd historian. Fashion is only one aspect of the tragic and sad, cry-for-help that is this particular cult of polygamy.

When I read this, after reading the above, I screamed. Seriously, I did. Will polygamist fashions have any influence on mainstream style? Prairie skirts are in fashion this season, while dusty pastels and neutrals are being introduced to offset trendy bold colors and patterns.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Robert McEvily Six Sentences, The Anthology

During my web travels this week (don’t you love that? It sounds so, i-jetsettery), I stopped by Guthy’s blog and saw that Robert McEvily, Editor-in-Chief of Six Sentences online, and editor of Volume 1, the 6S Anthology was out! Oh yeah, V16S is O to the U to the T, babies, out and ours for the taking to dive into.

Six Sentences is one of my favorite litalicious reads. Publishing, poetry, fiction, non-fiction and other litsmackin’ goodness, Evileen welcomes unpublished and established writer’s to take a crack at spinning a yarn in… you know the drill, Six Sentences. He’s a renaissance man, an artist, a writer, a producer and a true showman in the campiest most fabulous way. Rob is unbelievably talented, a mensch, to be sure, and one of the most approachable, fabulous editor’s out there. Please, he’s published how much of my insanity?!

I was so fucking excited to see that the anthology was out, I simply had to e-stalk him assssapy with six questions about the 6S Anthology, now available on Amazon and Create Space. Known for his graciousness, he indulged me and spilled like nobody’s business—what a doll. After the read, do not forget to run like a dawg and buy your copy of VI6S.

I give you... Robert McEvily’s 6S

Why were you originally drawn to the idea of telling a story in Six Sentences?
I’ve always loved short fiction. As a reader, I’m a fan of quick payoffs. As a writer, it’s so much fun to get in, get your point across, and get out. You get that awesome feeling of completion, of actually finishing something. Novels have their place of course, but in this fast-paced world, with so many things competing for your attention, flash fiction’s a nice, time-saving alternative. I also love the sound of “Six Sentences.” Alliteration, baby!

How many authors are in the 6S Anthology?
Close to 200 – can you believe it? I love it! When I first mentioned potentially having a book, the reaction really encouraged me to do it. I didn’t want to simply package some of my favorite pieces from the site. I wanted the book to feature all new work. When I made the call for submissions, and they immediately came pouring in, I felt both relieved and excited.

How is the anthology organized, by genre, by author, by what, spill?
I struggled a bit with the book’s structure at first. Then I began to see it as a trip we were taking together, like a flight. So I structured the book like a flight! There’s a “Pre-Flight Announcement,” and then the book is divided into six parts: Takeoff, Ascent, Cruising Altitude, Refreshments, Descent, and Landing. Each part features roughly 45 pieces.

Tell me what to expect when I open up your fabulous new read?
Expect a mind-blowing orgasm. I’m not kidding. It’s THAT good. There are pieces that will make you think, laugh, cry, shiver, blush, and on and on and on. It’s a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions.

Since debuting 6S online in what ways has it surpassed your expectations?
The site’s reach never fails to surprise me. I started with the hope it would catch on in New York. I hoped it would become this little place for local writers to riff a bit, try stuff out, like comics work-shopping new material. The site’s now a year and a half old, and we’ve got contributors from England, India, Africa, Italy, Scotland, Ireland, Australia… it blows my mind. The power of the Internet – it’s staggering!

Where can I buy 6S and where can I catch a reading online or offline?
It’s available at CreateSpace, where the book is published on demand, and at And if you run into me on the street, I’ll probably have a few copies up my sleeve, so I guess you can get it from me too! I have some old friends at Barnes & Noble – I used to help coordinate author signings at the Astor Place store – so I’m aiming to cash in a few favor chips. I’m hoping to have a 6S reading at a Barnes & Noble in the city in September to help celebrate the site’s second birthday. And when it happens, YOU, Ms. Katie Schwartz, are totally invited!

See! Is he not the menschiest of mensches?! Thank you, Evileen.

Run like a dawg and grab yourself a copy of the 6S Anthology at Amazon or Create Space.

Congratulations, Rob!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Ha! JibJab

Don't send a lame Passover eCard.
Try JibJab Sendables!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


"Wife Takes Divorce Drama to YouTube: In a tearful and furious YouTube video with close to 150,000 hits to date, former actress and playwright ("Bonkers") Tricia Walsh-Smith lashes out against her husband, Philip Smith, president of the Shubert Organization, the largest theater owner on Broadway.

She goes through their wedding album on camera, describing family members as "bad" or "evil" or "nasty," and talks about how her husband is allegedly trying to evict her from their luxury apartment. She also makes embarrassing claims regarding their intimate life, and then calls his office on camera to repeat those claims to a stunned assistant. "

The shame of it...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Shame

I admit it, Daisy from Rock of Shame is my latest OCD. You have got to watch this video from beginning to end, of Daisy attempting to talk. It's so flawless in that I'm-ashamed-to-admit-my-dirty-little-distraction-secret kind of way. You will SCREAM. Plastic surgery aged her and prior to this show, I think that might've been her claim to shame. I suck, I know.

Monday, April 14, 2008

More Birthday Wishes!

Happy Birthday Cormac Brown! Today, my online BFF fahevah, one of our favalish blogger's is one year older, aww. Click on over to Write Procrastinator's bloggy blog and wish that child the happiest birthday evah.

Happy Birthday, toots!
May this year bring you excellent health, oodles of happiness and prosperity beyond your wildest dreams.


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Happy Birthday, Amy!

One of our favarella bloggers, Amy Guth is having a milestone birthday today, yo! Click on "ova" to The Mouth and wish that divine diva a very, very, very HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

May this year bring you happiness beyond your wildest dreams, exceptional health and everything your sweet heart desires.

Wishingyou the happiest birthday ever.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

For an Encore, You Would Have?!

Yesterday, I was heading down Sepulveda about to make a right on Santa Monica blvd. A white van was parked on the street. He didn't have a signal on and I couldn't tell if he was pulling in or out of his spot. Parking spaces are very hard to come by in Los Angeles, so it was a fair assumption. Yes? Yes. Okay, I continued forward and all of a sudden, I hear, "YOU SLOPPY CUNT WHORE" bellowing out of the driver's mouth, along with a solid middle finger. The "sloppy" made me scream, I could not stop laughing. So furious, he kept wailing SLOPPY CUUUUUUUUUUUNT. I HAAAAAAAAAAATE YOU. VICIOUS BITCH. BITCH. BITCH.

I couldn't figure out how sloppy factored into the equation. My car was clean. I was clean. What was so sloppy?

Andy Kindler

Run like a dawg and watch this video of Andy Kindler at the Toy Show in NYC. It's sooo funny. Check out Andy's site, too. You've seen his stand-up, yes?

Keeping Yas Up-To-Date and Such

Have you donated fundage to Pilcrow? You haven't?! Oh, honeys, you have got to ChipIn there's an incentive and all. Check it out, this from Guthyroo: "For every $25 you donate via our ChipIn page between today and May1st, you will be automatically entered in a drawing for a gift certificate to Wishbone (super delicious) Cafe here in Chicago. Donate $25, we'll enter your name once, twice for $50 and so on. Not bad!" It's flawless. To read more about the incentive, check out the Pilcrow Lit Fest Bloggy.

Leah from Accidentally Jewish is working with OSRUI about an upcoming retreat on May 2. Here's the dish about the retreat: "Discovery Shabbat is a one night retreat for people who are 25-40 and Jewish, curious about becoming a Jew, or interfaith couples who want to know more about Judaism.We have two great rabbis coming to lead the weekend and our regional outreach coordinator. The cost of the retreat is $75 per person and includes lodging, food and all of the workshops. We also have a Facebook Group for people interested in attending the retreat. From lighting the Shabbat candles through celebrating Havdalah together, it will be a great chance to talk through some big and little questions about Judaism. I can say from experience that a Shabbat at OSRUI is truly a restful Shabbat." Doesn't that sound lovely!

Artist, writer and all around Renaissance man, Lewchyroo: John Donald Carlucci, Wildwoods and Astonishing Adventures Magazine has just launched a kick ass Etsy store. You have got to check out his artwork, it's sooo beautiful! To find out more about his work, check out Rusty Dreams and Epiphanies: The Art of John Donald Carlucci on Facebook.


Oh, that Bubbsie is THE SHIT. He kicks ass hard and couldn't be more flawless if he tried. He sent me this fabbylish license plate with commentary and awwwl.
I don't know if the plate is supposed to reflect the Texan pronunciation of "overflow", or what. All I know is, you must have been in my subconscious
because the first thing I thought was the driver of this car is advertising her successful ovulation and/or menses: "ova" and "flo"
Hilar squared or what, children?!

Thank you, bubbsie :)

Sunday, April 06, 2008

From My Cold Dead Hands...

... has died. His politics aside, I was very sorry that he died, especially of Alzheimer's.

The Thing About Love

Ooh, have ya's heard Alicia Keys new song, "The Thing About Love"? It's gorgeeeoso. Happy Sunday everyone.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I see... Uh-ha, Okay

One month ago, I sent the DMV my registration renewal with a check for $216., the amount on the notice. The check cleared about two-weeks ago. However, I never received my tags. Curious, no?! Last week, I called to inquire about my tags. I was hung up on twice. The Third person I spoke to had no idea who I was because she couldn't get the spelling of my name right. After 30-minutes of "kratie hortz, cattie scortz, radie shorts, katie schwats, hatie mortz, katie scorts and matie wartz", I was beyond done, I hung up on her (sorry).

Friday, still tag-free, I had no choice but to call. Fortunately, I got a really nice man on the phone. He was so helpful, I appreciated that a lot.

DMV Man: Name?
Katie: Katie Schwartz

(He got the spelling right on the first try. Sweet.)

DMV Man: You recently sent in your car registration.
Katie: Yes, I did and the check cleared.
DMV Man: I see that. We did cash the check.

(Not only were we communicating, we were on the same page, so far so good.)

Katie: Why haven't you sent me my tags?
DMV Man: Because you paid too much. The registration fee was only $86.
Katie: I see, but the renewal notice said the amount was for $216.
DMV Man: Yeah, that was a typo.
Katie: Okay, so why didn't you send me a check for the difference and my tags?
DMV Man: We didn't know what to do, so we did nothing.
Katie: (Laughing) You're kidding, rrrright?

(Schmuck, wake up, they did nothing. He was right.)

DMV Man: No. I'm not.
Katie: I see. We need a plan of action so that I can get my tags asssap.
DMV Man: And the refund?
Katie: Well, I'd love the refund, but right now, I really, really, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally need those tags.
DMV Man: I can process the refund and expedite your tags right now, so you receive them in 5-days, will that work?

(I was so fuckin' irritated because there was no logic behind the DMV's decision to do nothing that I wanted to shoot myself in the head. But, he was so nice and he was trying so hard. Plus, he was being very honest.)

Katie: That would be great. Let's do that.
DMV Man: Okay, will do. Bye.
Katie: WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. Don't hang up, not yet. Let's process the refund together and make sure that my tags are coming. Can we do that, please? Pretty please?

(I'm pretty sure at this point he thought I was just a lonely freak of nature. I was fine with that assumption, I would've douched the man and sucked his cock simultaneously for those tagarooneys.)

DMV Man: Okay, processed.
Katie: Great! When will they come?
DMV Man: 5 business days.
Katie: So, I should have them by next Friday? Should I follow up on Wednesday to make sure they went out?
DMV Man: No need to.

(Yeah, right.)

Katie: Thanks so much, you've been a gem! Have a good weekend.

Oh, I am in Looooooooooooooove

If Tom Waits had been born a woman, he would be The Pierces. Check out this song, The Secret. These broads are deliciously dark. I am wildly in love. Listen-Watch-Now.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Get your Fixx Tomorrow Night, Lovahs

Tomorrow night (Thursday, April 3rd @ 7:30 PM) if you are in Chicago, do not forget to treat yourself to a literary feast, Guthy's Fixx Reading Series with Shanna Compton, Jennifer Knox and Danielle Pafunda. Hit The Mouth for details. Run like a dawg, bubbies.

Also, have ya's been checking in on the Pilcrow Lit Fest blog? There are some fantabulous interviews and the latest dish about the Crow of Pil. Hit it, yo.


While my sister and I were doing our laundj here, we noticed the dry cleaners sign. I am dying to know what color whtite is and most curious about the fabrics fancy and extra. When I walked in to inquire, the owner was out running an errand. The broad behind the counter said she doesn't answer customer questions and made it VERY CLEAR that she was just keeping an eye out for him until he returned.

He never did return.... Hmm.


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