Friday, August 25, 2006

anne coulter's cunt


last night during my daily vocab run, I hit jack ass jimmy's blog. via his blog, I clicked to a five minute video clip of anne coulter on hardball.
not to be hack or anything, but the incendiary interview made me want face time with the cunt, to ask tough-goddess-christiane amanpour, questions.

as luck would have it, I found her cunt's email address online, abyss@coulter.com. within five minutes of clicking send, she emailed me back. guess she's not quite the busy beaver I thought she'd be.

after a few emails back and forth, she granted me permission to interview her via instant messenger. she was very forthcoming.



those of you who can't handle strong language are advised
NOT TO read the interview.

me: thank you so much for this interview. I really appreciate it.

cunt: my pleasure! I always welcome an opportunity to speak my mind. people have a very negative image of me, of who they think I am.

me: can you elaborate for us, please?

cunt: like so many of my sister cunts, I'm in a very abusive and emotionally crippling relationship. I didn't choose to be anne's cunt. I got placed here without my consent because SOMEONE lost the 1961 annual suicide bet. I won't name names: "dog".

me: abusive and emotionally crippling? that's horrible. how so?

cunt: she considers me a traitor... um... this is really personal, heavy stuff. maybe I should do this interview under a pen name.

me: I don't see how that's possible. bush's pussy. cheney's gash. condi's slit. I mean, these are some big movers and shakers who are synonymous with those names. I think you're just going to have to deal with anne's cunt. look, I'm pretty perceptive. I can see how damaged you are and I am truly very sorry. but, speaking out and not hiding behind a pen name, well that's just about the bravest thing a cunt can do.

cunt: *sigh*.

me: is that a yes, katie?

cunt: ... yeah. I guess so.

me: atta' cunt! so, what is it that you're holding back? talk to me. I'm all eyes.

cunt: anne doesn't get me. she ignores me. berates me. she laughs at my needs like I'm some needy cunt when I'm not. everything is a personal attack on anne. nobody understand's anne's problems, anne's lonely life. she thinks I'm a liberal menses loving whore and therefore a traitor. as punishment, she stuffs these thick giant, incredibly painful plugs inside me for 7 days straight. can you imagine what that's like? I never go out on any dates. I haven't seen cock in years, much less a vibrator. I'm unbearably lonely. I'd like to be in a relationship. anne's legs are always squeezed shut. I never get a moment of fresh air unless she's decided to spread in the shower, which is VERY RARE. you can't fucking imagine what it's like being anne's cunt. nobody wants to get inside her and see what's going on. she alienates everyone. but, you know what the worst is... when she stares at her reflection or watches her interviews, I feel the brunt of it, it's like katrina. I can't catch my breath from the flooding. and, I worry. I worry that I'll drown. irrational as that may seem. it's a very real fear for me.

me: I am absolutely floored. I had so much hope for anne's cunt. how do you cope? how do you face each day? it's so heinous.

cunt: I'm not handling it well. my doctor says that I have developed a chronic case of candida and trichomoniasis. unfortunately, it's another weakness in anne's eyes. I swim in summer's eve and vagisil every single fucking day! I'm very suicidal.

me: bravo, cunt, for speaking out and not taking this lying down! you are the bravest cunt I've ever met.

unfortunately, anne's cunt signed off after that. anne whisked her away and made her watch her 2004 interviews about the presidential election.

I think we should all pray for anne's cunt. maybe even sign a petition and see if we can't get anne's cunt removed.

so sad...

carmine in yoplait yogurt {{{UPDATE}}}

I always do a read receipt when I send vimp emails and guess what, yoplait deleted my email!!! check it out:

Your message
To: Consumer Services-Yoplait Subject: RE: Yoplait Website Response 2006/08/24-1878 JMP Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 19:37:37 -0500

was deleted without being read on Sat, 26 Aug 2006 07:15:55 -0500

I read an article. I gotta stop reading... about carmine in yoplait yogurt, not laverne and shirley's carmine, the crushed beetle, carmine. I was pretty disgusted, so I emailed them a very, consumer in distress mode, email. come on, it's crushed fucking beetles. wouldn't you?!

From: Consumer Services-Yoplait
Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 5:29 PM
To: katie schwartz
Subject: Yoplait Website Response

Dear Ms. Schwartz:

Thank you for contacting Yoplait regarding carmine used in Yoplait yogurt. Carmine is a naturally derived red color extracted from the dried shells of the cochineal beetle. Carmine is an FDA approved ingredient and is commonly used in many foods such as ice cream, soft drinks, sweets and candies. If a product of ours contains carmine, we have always listed this our ingredients listing on our packaging, even though the FDA does not require it to be labeled.

Sincerely,
Yoplait Consumer Services

From: katie schwartz
Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 5:38 PM
To: 'Consumer Services-Yoplait'
RE: Yoplait Website Response 2006/08/24-1878 JMP

You know, by listing carmine, you’re not doing us a favor. You’re doing your job. Where you’re failing is by not mentioning that it’s a non-vegetarian product. Beetle is a bug. Bug is non-vegetarian. Don’t you think it’s important to, oh, I don’t know, mention that your yogurt isn’t IN FACT VEGETARIAN for those who are (A) allergic to meat and (B) maintain a strict lacto ovo vegetarian diet?!

I mean where’s the social responsibility in this respect?! PINK LABELS AIN'T WHERE THE BUCK STOPS, BABY!

COME ON!

paging princess cruise


"Tom Cruise realizes he crossed a line when he criticized Brooke Shields last summer for her use of antidepressants, a colleague of the actor says. "That, he deeply regrets," Kathleen Kennedy, who produced Cruise's War of the Worlds with Steven Spielberg, tells the New York Daily News."

I guess someone's bride of scientology, hatie better off homeless, has developed an alarming case of post partum cutting. Or the cult of scientology really wants a fucking paycheck. whatever the reason, someone needs to tell mary that she can't skulk back into her creepy, vile, uneducated, dumb ass freak closet and exit "normal." though my aunt fudgie always says, "katealah, the damage is only done when you're six feet under," I'm sure she'd exclude mary cruise.

neighbor cunt


my neighbor went from being polly pleasant to an epic snatch. bitch moves in. bitch asks me IF I see fed ex IF I will buzz them into the building so they can leave her high cuntness her cuntmanual. I agree. what the fuck do I care. I'm not signing anything and it's only IF I run into them. she thanks me, blah, blah, blah.

newsflash, I didn't run into fedex so I couldn't let them in.

well, I ran into her cuntness yesterday and she shot me a demonic glare. I thought to myself, ya know what, ya vile non-leash using, nazi dog owning, jewgirl from hell, who died and made you queen of the cunts, huh?

get off the snatch express, gaaaaaaaahd.

 

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