Sunday, October 01, 2006

lisa welchel, I spoke to jesus

I am so tired, oy. that jesus sure does love to dish. when my blackberry rang and the screen said, jesus calling, I was going to forward it to voicemail, but he'd only show up and want to have a girl's night. I'm menstruating, so I really wasn't up for that.

he wanted to talk about the lisa welchel/blaire situation. who knew there was one?! well, apparently there is, and a BIG ONE at that. he's feeling hocked to death (or to life, depending on your religious slant). she doesn't stop with him. she calls constantly. she has big time creepy chick syndrome. he is so OVER IT.

anyway, he asked for my advice. I really didn't know what to tell him. poor guy. she's way ocd about him. he's thought about filing a restraining order against her. but, he's afraid it would exacerbate the situation. he's in a serious conundrum. she constantly calls for guidance, thanks, a chat, to send good wishes to her family. to help her get through the day, finish her chores, have a larger following. she wants, and wants and wants. her neediness is overwhelming!

it's just way too one-sided. she never EVER asks about him. she's so selfish. and, you know how selfless that jesus is.

I told him that because she believes in the whole heaven and hell thing, he should recruit the evil forces of nature to lead her down the path of temptation. but to make her think it's what he wants. he thought it was a good idea, so he's going to give it a whirl.

I'll let you know how it goes. he said he'd call me next week.

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Guess what season it is

this time of year, if I'm single, which I am, it always feels like cock hunting season. like god forbid I spend the holidays and valentine's day without a man. because it's the worst possible thing that could happen to a girl.

like I need to drag my fat ass out and strategically hunt for relationship dick NOW.

and, the fact that I haven't found commitment peeny makes me a fucking inadequate freak-tard, incapable of the shrewdness required to manifest a man.

well, FUCK THAT!

so, I'm a pain in my own ass. so, I like impossible men who couldn't possibly fulfill my needs. so, I have issues with emotional intimacy. compared to the men I am attracted to, I'm still a rook. so what gives?!

has it occurred to the self help set that I am choosing to be single for yet another holiday season until I can eradicate these issues? does it make me that much of a vile, disgusting, shameful whore bag?! since when does a meat free holiday season or two equate to relationship loser?!

gaaaaaaaahd!

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today on lisawelchel.com

coffee talk with blaire. this week's journal entry.

this part's my favorite:

my mom chose the chili and sea bass. (That sounded really good on this crisp, cool, fall evening.) By the time my mom was served her ganache chocolate cheesecake, we realized she wasn’t going to get her bowl of chili. We later figured out she had ordered “Chilean sea bass.” Oops. We felt like real hicks.

fab.no?































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