Katie Schwartz

if I'm going to freak out about whacking my dog at the vet's, of course I'm going to find more top 10's to obsess and freak out over. why? so I can share them ... with YOU. 10 things you need to know about your dentist . talk about a mercury buzz kill. 10 things you need to know about hospitals . like july's a real murder. death. kill month.

now that I am riddled with guilt and TERRIFIED that louie jew was left alone post-op, I am sharing the burden. 10 things you need to know about your vet . oy. this part made my palms sweat, my gums itch and my knees weak. I'm such a wuss. 5. "Surgery's a cinch. It's the overnight stay you should be worried about." If you think your pet will be tenderly nurtured through the night after surgery at a veterinary office or hospital, think again. Many vets don't staff their offices overnight, so it's important to ask about what happens in the wee hours.

weelee

in the hopes of being a good diet soldier and having a clean eating day, you log onto food websites and place mock orders of everything you want to eat. you never submit the order of course because that's just evil. but, the idea of the food coming makes you salivate almost enough not to place the order. I am so wrong on several if not all levels. sigh.

I feel like they're virgins. someone should introduce them so they can shtup before they peel. is that insensitive or nurturing?

what is wrong with people? I am so sick and tired of dealing with unsolicited advice vomiting out of people's mouths and into my lap. I may be a fat, restless, prickly mess at the minute swimming in my own private idaho. but, here's a thought, that doesn't give YOU carte blanche to rip me a new, none of your fucking business, asshole. whatever happened to minding your own pot? you have your cauldron of issues and I have mine. if you need more, visit your local homeless shelter. I promise you'll find gallons of crisis and agida begging for a few extra stirrers. yesterday someone asked, why are you fat? you're a vegetarian. it's not the first time a presumptuous cow has asked me such a dumb ass question. I just answered with belligerent honesty this time. well, you cunt sucking whore, I'm not sure, but it just might have something to do with the pre-menstrual whiz shots sans crackers I voraciously inhale. or perhaps it's the fine cheese cutlets eaten like ...

a friend of mine emailed this to me today and it's just too funny not to post. what kind of man really thinks like this? Seeking Girlfriend/Goddess -- $400 per Week I am looking for a girlfriend/goddess for dating, romance and potential long-term relationship. Therefore, this ad is posted in the right category. It is formatted like a job listing because I think it is FUN to write it that way. I believe in the old-fashioned concept of the gentleman paying. I also believe in a new-fashioned concept of the gentleman paying the lady. I believe this eliminates much of the tension women (and men) experience in dating, and makes for a balanced, healthy relationship with long-term potential. $400 per Week for Girlfriend/Goddess. 16 hours per week. We decide on a regular day (e.g. Friday). You start work at 7:00 p.m. and finish at 11:00 a.m. the following day. That totals 16 hours per week. For this, you will receive $400 per week in cash. But I am flexible and negotiable on the above. Job...