Wednesday, January 10, 2007

10 more things to lose sleep over

if I'm going to freak out about whacking my dog at the vet's, of course I'm going to find more top 10's to obsess and freak out over. why? so I can share them ... with YOU.
10 things you need to know about your dentist. talk about a mercury buzz kill.
10 things you need to know about hospitals. like july's a real murder. death. kill month.

10 things you need to know about your vet

now that I am riddled with guilt and TERRIFIED that louie jew was left alone post-op, I am sharing the burden. 10 things you need to know about your vet. oy.

this part made my palms sweat, my gums itch and my knees weak. I'm such a wuss.

5. "Surgery's a cinch. It's the overnight stay you should be worried about."
If you think your pet will be tenderly nurtured through the night after surgery at a veterinary office or hospital, think again. Many vets don't staff their offices overnight, so it's important to ask about what happens in the wee hours.

guess who?!


you know you have issues when...

in the hopes of being a good diet soldier and having a clean eating day, you log onto food websites and place mock orders of everything you want to eat. you never submit the order of course because that's just evil. but, the idea of the food coming makes you salivate almost enough not to place the order.

I am so wrong on several if not all levels.


the tallest shims

I feel like they're virgins. someone should introduce them so they can shtup before they peel. is that insensitive or nurturing?

but, you're a vegetarian?!

what is wrong with people? I am so sick and tired of dealing with unsolicited advice vomiting out of people's mouths and into my lap. I may be a fat, restless, prickly mess at the minute swimming in my own private idaho. but, here's a thought, that doesn't give YOU carte blanche to rip me a new, none of your fucking business, asshole.

whatever happened to minding your own pot? you have your cauldron of issues and I have mine. if you need more, visit your local homeless shelter. I promise you'll find gallons of crisis and agida begging for a few extra stirrers.

yesterday someone asked, why are you fat? you're a vegetarian. it's not the first time a presumptuous cow has asked me such a dumb ass question. I just answered with belligerent honesty this time.

well, you cunt sucking whore, I'm not sure, but it just might have something to do with the pre-menstrual whiz shots sans crackers I voraciously inhale. or perhaps it's the fine cheese cutlets eaten like steak with a side of mashed potatoes and salad. then again weekly fifths of sour cream masked as "dip" for chips isn't much of a help either. although, it's possible my appetizer parties for one might be the true culprit and reason for my sphere-ish figurine. in any case, it's none of your fucking business, now is it?!

it's an angry day.

craigslist ad, seeking girlfriend goddess

a friend of mine emailed this to me today and it's just too funny not to post. what kind of man really thinks like this?

Seeking Girlfriend/Goddess -- $400 per Week

I am looking for a girlfriend/goddess for dating, romance and potential long-term relationship. Therefore, this ad is posted in the right category. It is formatted like a job listing because I think it is FUN to write it that way.

I believe in the old-fashioned concept of the gentleman paying. I also believe in a new-fashioned concept of the gentleman paying the lady. I believe this eliminates much of the tension women (and men) experience in dating, and makes for a balanced, healthy relationship with long-term potential.

$400 per Week for Girlfriend/Goddess. 16 hours per week. We decide on a regular day (e.g. Friday). You start work at 7:00 p.m. and finish at 11:00 a.m. the following day. That totals 16 hours per week. For this, you will receive $400 per week in cash. But I am flexible and negotiable on the above.

Job Duties:
Being a LADY.
Expressing your feelings.
Receiving flowers and gifts.
Having fascinating/amazing/enchanting conversations.
Being taken out to classical music concerts.
Being taken out to musical theater.
Being taken out to parties.
Being taken out to romantic, nonviolent films.
Being taken out to art galleries and exhibitions.
Getting teased to make you laugh more and more.
Having FUN.
Holding hands.
Kissing--deeply and exquisitely.
Being WILDLY passionate.
Getting VERY wet.
Being worshipped as a Goddess.
Surrendering to a very powerful man--he is the priest, you are his altar.
Becoming the Goddess he is worshipping.
Being elevated into extreme Goddess-ecstasy.... screaming! many times you lose count.
Sleeping deeply and having beautiful dreams.
Not being afraid of love.
Not being afraid of the truth.
Not being afraid of a man with a very LARGE vision for the world.
Opening your heart WIDE.
Experiencing magic.
Experiencing your own Divinity.
Job Qualifications:
You must LOVE "girlfriending."
You must be PASSIONATE.
You must believe in God, love God, and know that God loves you.
You must be WILLING to be worshipped as a Goddess.

You must be an EMOTIONALLY STRONG woman. Feelings happen. "Emotionally strong" means you don't get stuck in your emotional process. You should be strong enough (a) to work through your feelings whenever any "un-goddess-like-baggage" comes up in you, (b) to let it go (with loving support from a man who cares), and (c) to GROW into the Goddess you are destined to be. In other words, even if a part of you believes you are not a Goddess, you must be willing to let him PROVE you are a Goddess, which includes making you FEEL like a Goddess... and he can definitely do this..... but only if you let him.

Your hair must be at least to your shoulders.
Your weight must not exceed the normal range for your height. A "thick" body is NOT acceptable.
Your breasts must be at least "B" cup size.
You must be a REAL girl, who was BORN a girl.
You must be single and available.
You must be in excellent health.
You must be a NON-smoker.
You must NOT drink heavily (a glass of wine with dinner is okay).
You must NOT use 420 or any other recreational drugs.
(Note: Age, race, nationality, and education are open.)
I'm confident, passionate, funny, gallant, romantic, spiritual, brilliant, highly educated, and very MALE. White, 50-ish, 6-1, 180. Deep, sexy voice. High integrity. Baggage free, for the most part anyway (and highly skilled at letting go of whatever baggage comes up). Tantra master who can genuinely DELIVER "so many times you lose count," as stated above. Clean, healthy, vegetarian (you need not be), nonsmoker, alcohol free, drug free, and STD free (recently tested). Vasectomy. Perfect gentleman. I live alone in a delightful Culver City neighborhood and work at home in my home office. I am a litigation consultant--my clients are attorneys.
Job Application:
Double check to confirm that you meet ALL the Job Qualifications listed above. Please do not apply unless you do.
Email me your name, pics and tell me a little about yourself.
Include a face pic and a full-length pic. Please be sure I can clearly see your figure and the length of your hair.

If I am interested, I will reply with my pics and a request for your cell number. If you are still interested, email me your cell number. I will then call you and arrange to meet for a face-to-face job interview. Suppose you get hired. And suppose you totally love and cherish this job, and you want MORE HOURS. Then, if you want to get paid for those additional hours, you must make me more successful by means of your Goddess Magic. Remember, behind every great man is a great woman.... and THAT is the essence of your job. Do it well, and you will be rewarded well.

God bless you.

the god bless you in the end???? that's just magic, isn't it!


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