Katie Schwartz

I wrote the below ventfest last night thinking I would publish it. Instead, I passed out from egg-zzausgion. I am so angry. Using Insanareesta's face as my menstrual product of choice this month couldn't quell my level of rage. In fact, neither could turning her into a train-pulling-record-breaking stunt cunt, or watching her mattress surf in freezing cold mud, naked, clinging to the rope attached to a John Deere tractor driven by a misogynist woman (a-la Palin), named Billie with a heart above the "I" (just to piss me the fuck off). Nothing will extinguish my severe level of frustration, not a damn thing. Well, I guess moving will... help. Snatcheeola continues to bang. Bang. Bang. When she smells smoke . I'm this close to posting an add on Craigslist for every smoker in LA to stand at her windows, chain smoking. What DICKS me off the most is that the landlord is taking her side because she kvetches three times a day. Do you believe? Who does that? Worse, when I...

I cracked a mother fuckin' cock suckin' tooth-with-filling last night. fuck.fuck.motherfuck. FYI: It's very uncomfortable. I woke up again at 4AM with class-5 cramps and a tsunami bursting through the clam dam. I got the lovliest, sweetest holiday cards from monkeyboy and bethylish . Isn't that so menschy. Thank you guys. I also got a postcard from Teeny . She's in Egypt. She said, "Eh, you've seen one tomb, you've seen em' all." Funny, no?! Back to the cunt fit. I am so mad ! Six weeks prior to The Kid peeling, I found out that my next door neighbor's dog peeled. My heart broke for her. She chose to get another dog, so I got her some dog chach. It was such a difficult time for her and I wanted to be supportive of her choice. Welllllll, do you know that since my dog peeled, I've run into this cunt a half dozen times and each time, she hasn't said word one to me. I am fuckin' furious about this. She won't even look me in...

The majority of my yesterday was spent pining for The Kid . I went outside and was overwhelmed by the gazillion happy, healthy, rambunctious dogs and dog owners that were out. Not a dead dog in sight, and yes, it pissed me off. I was angry that my dog wasn't part of the pack. The anger turned to sadness. I want him back. I'm still searching for the upside of death. I wrote. Writing more today. I'm so close to finishing these two particular essays that I need to finish. I think I'll clean. Oh, CBB. I'd like to have a social call with my sister and my mother. My stomach is bothering me today. I'm a kvetchy, whiny, cunting pain in my OWN ASS today and yours, too. Excited?! My neighbor fucked Bartholomew last night. I don't know what's more offensive, waking up in the middle of the night to, I'm Cumming, Bartholomew, I'm Cumming , or that he only fucks her once a week. The whole thing is just wrong. At the very least, give the man a nickname. She...

every time I park across the street from my buildink under the street lamp, my yachna neighbor screams ( sight unseen) BACK UP THREE FEET. THRRREEEEE FEET. THREE FEET! BACK. BACK. BAAAACK! GAAAAAAAAAHD. it would be a nice gesture if he said, you might want to back up a little. but, this is a demand, bordering harassment. I could be on the phone or in the middle of a conversation with a passenger. fuck. juice and I could be exiting the car and he's hockin. thanks for your concern, but what if I like bird shit? what if I'm too cheap to spring for a paint job or I'm going for an organic white with a green hue?! back-the-fuck-off, bitch. today, after berating my ignorant parking job, he wailed, when are you going to get that damn sunroof fixed?! I wanted to scream, suck my ovaries, pig fuck. why is my sunroof his business? it's my car and my choice. I happen to like the slide factor. so it doesn't close all the way. if I have a problem with it, don't I have the ...