Tuesday, December 30, 2008

08 WASN'T GREAT. 09 WILL BE SUPER FINE

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish you all a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. May all of your wishes come true. May you find happiness by your design. I am thrilled we are going into 09 together.

I know I've been on an unplanned hiatus these past few weeks, but an explanation will be forthcoming in a few days and a lot more posting and commenting on your delicious reads.

Thank you for being in my life and for being such great e-buds, friends and blog buds. You're all tits to the tenth and I am a better person for knowing you.

Love,
Katie

"If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose" - Charles Bukowski

“There is a time to stop reading, there is a time to STOP trying to WRITE, there is a time to kick the whole bloated sensation of ART out on its whore-ass.” - Charles Bukowski

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The Best Queen in LA


A day without this Gay would be devastating. This queen is fierce. Christmas in HanCOCK Park wouldn't be the same without him. Are you kvellarella for his decor? Me too!

Sunday, December 07, 2008

New Letter at Dear Thyroid

A lovely dame named Melissa wrote a beautiful hate letter to her thyroid and submitted it to Dear Thyroid. She's 30-years-old and her life has been turned upside down and inside out. What is so impressive, in my opinion is her commitment to kicking her thyroids ass and extricating the "awry" from her "thy". The girl's got moxie! Give a read.

SUCK THE LINING OF MY WOMB, YOU WRETCHED BEAST


I wrote the below ventfest last night thinking I would publish it. Instead, I passed out from egg-zzausgion.

I am so angry. Using Insanareesta's face as my menstrual product of choice this month couldn't quell my level of rage. In fact, neither could turning her into a train-pulling-record-breaking stunt cunt, or watching her mattress surf in freezing cold mud, naked, clinging to the rope attached to a John Deere tractor driven by a misogynist woman (a-la Palin), named Billie with a heart above the "I" (just to piss me the fuck off). Nothing will extinguish my severe level of frustration, not a damn thing.

Well, I guess moving will... help.

Snatcheeola continues to bang. Bang. Bang. When she smells smoke. I'm this close to posting an add on Craigslist for every smoker in LA to stand at her windows, chain smoking.

What DICKS me off the most is that the landlord is taking her side because she kvetches three times a day. Do you believe? Who does that? Worse, when I'm in the kitchen doing whatever-the-fuck-I'm-doing (dishes, heating something up, taking something out of the fridge, ya follow), she clangs pots and turns on the water full blast (FYI: You don't have to be wasteful to hate me).

I've never seen such a thing, it's appalling. This shit would never happen and never did happen in New York, or San Francisco, or anywhere else.

I swear I'm not being a giant pussy by not banging back, really. I'm handling the sitch another way. To be discussed when I can spill.

Oy yoy yoy. I wonder. In this deeply recessed economy, during this supposed "season of giving", what kind of person would choose to take time out of their day to make another person miserable? Why would you make time for such a thing? Then I think, something must have happened, a trigger of sorts that made her deranged. Not that I'm passing out compassion-candy-canes to her right now. Although, if she righted the wrong, I would.

MONKEYSTUD


Thank you SimianStudMuffin, for the coolest, campest most fabulous T-Give vinty postcard, evah. I luv it - I luv it - I luv it.

My BB didn't do this baby justice, it is fabulous. I taped it to my fridge, so I can see it every day.

Such a mensch that Simian... I couldn't adore him any harder.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

PIRATES? PIRATES.

Image found here. Tits, right? I thought so, too.

Moving the story along, my very good friend Crionaberry wrote the most kick ass post about health insurance, it's surly, sassy and sadly true. A must read. Ga'head. check it out.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

WHY AM I SUCH A FREAK O NATURE

I am looking for an apartment as yas all know. Admittedly, I have weird ass requirements. Not that any of you are shocked, of course. Me being me and all.


The sound of vertical blinds clacking like cheap, hollow high heels is so unnerving, it's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. And carpeting. Please.... I can't breathe. It's a fiber-allergen waiting to attack.


A building that looks like this, screams death on toast with a peach schnapps back. In California, I can't live in a high rise either. I'm an e-quake phobe.

No. No. No. This kitchen is wrong on too many levels. It's a claustrophobe-mare with a pink flower to boot. What the fuck?! White is good, sure. It's that half wall situation that's got me jeaned out and hello, whatever happened to refrigerators?! Ya can't throw in a fridge? Suck my menstruating ovaries.


We need to digress for a minee. Buildings like this also jean me out. Wanna know why? It feels college dormy, even though we're strangers leading our own lives, let's all BFF. I'll pop over all the time, OMGeers. No. So not gonna happen.


Our tour is almost over. If the person who actually posted this, thought the image of Euro-daddy-architect and chick-who-won't-date-him-unless-he-has-a-brand-new-BMW is the kind of building I would consider, they couldn't be more incorrect. Then again, I just might be the trash they're trying to weed out.

I found what I love. Click FLOOR PLANS . In the bottom left corner you'll see little photos. Click each, to see the bigger picture of each mini-pic. This is my kinda joint, so stunning, I'm plotzarella from this place.

A REPRIEVE


Right?
For once my people ain't takin' the heat.
Thanks for sending, Lewch.

MAYBE MEEMED?

MonkeyStud might have meemed me. I think he did, though I'm not sure. I know, I'm a fucktard. It's Sunday, can I get a pass? Thanks.

1. Five names you go by
a) Katie
b) Louie
c) Schwartzy
d) Jewgirl
e) Quatz

2. Three things you are wearing right now
a) Sweatshirt
b) Sweats
c) Keen shoes

3. Two things you want very badly at the moment
a) (this is MonkeyMucker's answer and quite honestly, I can't think of a better one. He said exactly what I feel) for Bush and Cheney to be led from the White House in handcuffs and then tried for their crimes against humanity
b) Great results tomorrow, resolution finally and no new issues.

4. Three people who will probably fill this out
a)
Fran I Am
b) Bethy
c) Cormac Brown
d) Bubbsie
(Yes, I can count, thanks. I just hunched on 4)

5. Two things you did last night
a) A deep and rewarding conversation w/my ma, one of those life lesson convo's that I wouldn't trade for all the bagels in Brooklyn. It was that good, my friends.
b) Wrote my neurotic phobia list, it's enviable, yo.

6. Two things you ate today
a) So far, just medication
b) coffee, bliss in a bucket

7. Two people you last talked to on the phone
a) My dad
b) Wellie

8. Two things you are going to do tomorrow
a) Der'apt
b) Writing

9. Two longest car rides
a) Driving across country (US) 6 times
b) Driving from Durham to London

10. Two of your favorite beverages
a) Bottled room temperature Gingerale
b) Ice cold coke-a-cola from a can

Thursday, November 27, 2008

HAPPY THANKSGIVING


Dear Readers,

I am so thankful for you.

You've made me laugh, and think, and cry, and some of you have become friends, dear friends, the greatest friends a girl could ever hope for.

I am so appreciative of your goodness -- your intense minds -- your mad blogging skills -- your outrageous comments -- our disagreements -- when we same page harder than ever and so much more. I wouldn't trade any of you for all the shmear in the world. (And I fuckin' love shmear on a bagel, yo.)

I hope you have a beautiful Thanksgiving.

xoxoxo'ng it,
Jewgirl

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

From Pappa Schwartz



Thanks, Pops! Kick ass image.
Have we all seen this?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Adventures in Fucktardaree

Continuing the Am I the fucktard or are they, series, I'd like to tell you about a banking experience from hell today.

The bank in question hasn't peeled yet from peer pressure, and so I opened an account with them. Not with any degree of confidence, more out of necessity.

Hours into our courtship, they attached someone else's $10,000 platinum credit card debt to my account -- accidentally -- or so they'd like me to think. It all felt so shamefully My Big Redneck Wedding. I called customer service and said, "Hey, I don't have a credit card with youse, much less credit card debt, so can you please remove this from my account."

The response from the I-hate-my-fucking-job-because-I'm-underpaid-and-have-zero-benefits employee was "Hmm. Your name is Katie Schwartz, right?" "Yes, it is," I said. "Hmmm... I guess there's another Katie Schwartz, or are you just trying to get out of paying your credit card debt?" Har, har, har, he laughed. Yeah- hardee-fuckin-har-har-har, in this economy.

He wasn't able to help me and told me to go the branch. Off I went to the branch... aaaaagain. I sat across from a banker and explained the credit cardbacle I now found myself in and she said, "Oh well, I wish I could help you, but I can't. You need to call customer service." "I did that already and they told me to come to the branch." "They were incorrect. I can't help you. Sorry." "Indeed," I said, "Close my account immediately and give me back my money."

This evening, I got an email from the bank I broke up with that read:

Dear Katie Schwartz,

Regarding your Checking account, we are happy to assist you. Shut up. Really?


You are a valued customer of (Go fuck yourself bank, dumb ass), we appreciate your taking a few moments to thank us. Thank you? I would've remembered sending a thank you e-stalk after cursing you out this afternoon.

It is our pleasure to learn that we were able to assist you with your banking needs. Well I'll be dipped in shit. You assisted me with my banking needs? Is that why we broke up? We are committed to providing you with the best quality service possible. In my next life, right?

We thank you for your business. Newsflash, putz, we got divorced.

Sincerely,
Bankcunt

Nervy little nervetards, the whole lot of em', I tell ya.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

What the Fuck, Katie Schwartz?

Shalom Lovers.

Sorry I was so out of the loop last week -- I read nothing -- I blogged bupkas. Officially, I was the worst blogdatable out there.

Last week was sooo harreeeblay, a reprieve surely would've been getting skull fucked by Cheney's pacemaker, jizzed on by Bush's Yorkie and peed on by Laura Bush.

I'm boring? Really? I don't know, I think beets, prunes and figs are boring. Just an FYI, Anony, I'd rather be called fat, dirty, cheap and poor than boring. I'd rather be told I had vadgeitosis than be regarded as dull, flat or stale. Last week wasn't the week to kick a Jewgirl when she was already down. And PS: Grow a set and leave your name -- pussy.

See what I did there? I vented. We're not done.

The global economy is bottoming for Bush. Small nations are folding. The US economy is so deep in the shitter, it's like a diarrhea tsunami rolling deeper and deeper inland. Everyone is struggling, stressed to the point of delirium and freaked out. We're all doing the best we can. Right? Right. And now it seems I'm going to have to move. Otherwise, I run the risk of becoming one of those strange headlines that my good friend bubbsie blogs about "Chubby Jewish girl gunned down by neighbor for allegedly smoking in her apartment".

Last Sunday Cybil, my next door neighbor, introduced me to a few of her personalities. I was sitting in my kitchen, writing and minding my own fuckin' business when I heard a hammer slamming a dozen times into our shared wall, so hard, dry wall crumbled. Following that, she shrieked "STOP SMOKING". Afterwards, she stomped down the hall and pounded like a banshee on my front door, wailing "I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, LET ME IN". Did I open it? Are you new? Fuck no. After a 3 minute, what shall we call it, fist-rest, she pounded on my door again. Did I answer it? I digress.

10 minutes later, I got a neurotic email pleading with me to stop smoking. Included in should-be-immediately-admitted-to-Bellevue-psych-ward's letter was her admission that she also pounded on three other neighbor's doors to find out if they were smoking. She managed to slip in a passive aggressive, I have no idea why you couldn't hear me, or chose not to answer your door, sentence, and a, or why you're choosing to ignore me, snippet for good measure.

I wanted to say:

Dear Insaneorette;

Have you thought about BFF'ng with lithium? I think you two have the potential to live a long and healthy life together. This pocket sized friend can be yours for $27 per 100/g -- doable, no? Worst case scenario, you have to scale back on the cost of hair products. The way I see it, you don't really have much of a choice. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself a victim of a 5150 sooner than you'd like.

Love,
Sanity

What I said:

Dear Neighbor:

When someone repeatedly whacks a hammer into my wall, screams at me and pounds on my door, I don't usually answer. I'm more of a let's diffuse the anger kind of girl. Though, since I've got your attention, I don't smoke. Even if I did, what I do in my own apartment is none of your business, as long as I am not breaking any laws and I'm adhering to the landlord's contract. Beyond that, there's not much you can do.

I'm sorry that you're smelling smoke. Did you know that there are raging fires throughout Southern California, and little ashes from the sky covering our cars? Perhaps that's what you're smelling. If that's the case, you'll have to track down the arsonists. You strike me as someone with a lot of gumption, so I'm sure you can find them. No doubt the police would be pleased to have someone with your superhero scent on their team.

Oh, and another thing, if you ever repeat tonight's drama, I'll be filing a restraining order against you and I'll win.

Take Care!
Katie-

She responded, of course, and apologized. Which was all well and good until I got a call from my landlord on Monday asking me to.... you guessed it, stop smoking. (A) I don't fucking smoke. (B) Even if I did, they do not have the right to tell me not to. All week long, Diva Insanity slammed on my wall with her beloved hammer.

Where I Channel Dead Jewish Relatives

I should fondle myself for old time sake. Just kidding. Gaaaaahd.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Oh, Frannygirl...



Today is a very special day, it's Frannylish's birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRANNYGIRL.
I wish you a happy, healthy and fabulous birthday, my sweet.
Big hugs and kisses.
Click on over and wish our girlie the happiest birthday evah.

Love,
me

Monday, November 10, 2008

THERE IS A FARM IN YOUR HOUSE


Mike Dell’Aquila is the Co-Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Farmhouse Magazine (one of my favorite reads). Inspired by a formative, passionate group of writers and editors with a penchant for blending emerging and published voices, FM has evolved into one of the most reputable and exciting online magazines. So much so, they've taken their success to an entirely new level, adding a publishing arm, launching TODAY. Like the mensch he is, when I I hocked Mike about an interview, he graciously agreed.

KS: Tell me about YOU, the Farmhouse Magazine Editor-in-Chief.

MDA: I have a hard time talking about myself and defining myself along any lines. This much is true: I really got into literature and creative writing toward the end of high school and by the time I got to college I couldn't really picture myself doing anything else but that. What makes me laugh is that it happened almost in spite of (not because of) my high school curriculum. I discovered writers like Jack Kerouac, Hunter S.
Thompson and Chuck Palahniuk outside of the classroom and the rest is history, I guess. So I ended up majoring in English at Penn State University and graduated in 2004. I spent a few years working various jobs and now I'm back in school, getting my MA in English from Brooklyn College. I'm also working on a novel, which I'm pretty excited about.

KS: When did you start Farmhouse Magazine?

MDA: I started Farmhouse Magazine the July 2005, right after I graduated college. I spent years talking about wanting to do something to get young writers and artists' work out there and finally my then-fiance (now wife) just pushed me into it. I don't know if she was just sick of hearing me talk about it all the time or not, but if it hadn't been for her I don't know that we'd be having this conversation.

KS: What made you choose the name Farmhouse? (Love it, by the by)

MDA: Long before we had a magazine, we had a name for it. In high school and college, we would go to one of my friend's grandparent's farm and either camp on the mountain or sleep in the Farmhouse. We'd have some of the smartest—and some of the dumbest—conversations there, and it was just a generally special place for all of us. Back in the day, we used to say that we'd start a magazine or a newspaper type of publication and write all sort of things, ranging from the sublime to the absurd. I suppose that part came true. Basically, I wanted to pay tribute to those memories and friends.

KS: Since inception, has the magazine met or exceeded your expectations?

MDA: Well, after we were able to patch together a really impressive and dynamic first issue, I had serious worries that we might be a one-and-done publication or that there would be a huge drop in quality. The opposite thing happened. Not only were we able to continue getting more and more submissions, but the quality also kept going up. The fact that we survived those first few issues was certainly enough to exceed my expectations; the fact that we are where we are now in terms of readership, submissions and starting a publishing arm is really entering on the "wildest dreams" terrain.

KS: What separates Farmhouse Magazine from other magazines?

MDA: We're really committed to finding new and emerging voices in the arts. We're kind of banking on the fact that there are a lot of readers and other writers who are all interested in reading a publication that puts the quality of the work itself back in the forefront. I don't want to take anything away from the mainstream or even small press magazines that all publish really great literature, but unfortunately the industry at large requires a lot of marketability from its authors. Their overhead is pretty steep, which means that they have to take the safest bets to move as many copies as possible. Since we're an online publication, we're able to have the approach that good work is good work no matter who writes it. For example, even in this most recent issue we have the sort of range that we like to maintain: in addition to having a few MFA recipients showcasing their work, we also have a high school student who was previously unpublished and everything in between.

KS: What kind of work does Farmhouse Magazine accept?

MDA: We accept all sorts of literary fiction, poetry, satirical pieces and creative non-fiction. Really, anything but genre-based pieces. Genre fiction can be very fun and entertaining, it just does not have a room in the Farmhouse, unfortunately.

KS: How frequently do you publish?

MDA: We just switched to a quarterly format for a number of reasons, not all of which need to be explained here. We're finding that doing quarterly issues instead of bi-monthly ones allows us to review a wider range of work and keep the level of quality as high as possible.

KS: Any plans on moving it to print?

MDA: The magazine itself probably won't move into print, but we are now rolling out a publishing arm of the organization. We're going to work with a lot of the contributors we've previously collaborated with to get their novels and short story collections out there. We also have a Best-Of Anthology coming out in November, and that features our favorite pieces from the first three years online. I think that's probably how we're going to move forward with striking a balance between the online publication and the print world.

KS: Where do you see Farmhouse growing in the next five-years?

MDA: We're making a pretty big commitment to our publishing arm, and I believe that a lot of our growth will come from that. I would like to continue to work closely with our growing network of contributors to both give their work as much exposure as possible and also given them more control over their work. Looking down the road, it would be great to be able to help the next generation of writers.

KS: What new endeavors is Farmhouse working on?

MDA: Again, the publishing side of our organization is what has us all very excited. We're trying to make this Best Of Farmhouse Magazine anthology as big as a success as possible, not only to get our name out there, but also to introduce a lot of new readers to some of the best pieces that have appeared on our site during the last three years. More than starting up new endeavors, I believe that we're more interested in finding new ways to make good on our promise of promoting new and emerging voices in the arts. Our publishing venture helps us out toward this end, as does more of an effort to do some marketing and cross promotion with people in our growing network and community.

--
If you haven't checked out Farmhouse, start with the fall issue right here. Don't forget to pick up your copy of "The Best of Farmhouse Magazine" Anthology available on sale TODAY, November 10th. They are such menscharellas, they included one of my essays "My Legs are Closed for Business".

I'm so proud of The House of Farm! If you haven't read the magazine, you will fall madly, wildly and passionately in love with it. Run. Read. Now.


Sunday, November 09, 2008

Hate Mail or Hate Femail, You Decide

This morning, I woke up to this yummalicious mail in my box:

"I am so sorry that I took the time to view your website. gruel and spew. thanks for nothing. However your site and others like it have kept the hate mongers of your ilk out of jail for at least a couple of months.


Politially Ill"

We're going to break this down first, to be sure we understand it.

According to Dictionary.com, Gruel is A thin watery porridge, or Chiefly British Severe punishment. That said, maybe s/he meant to say that s/he spewed their gruel after reading my site, or that until January 20th, Bush should forego water boarding me, and hand me over to the British for another form of severe punishment. Thoughts?

I couldn't find Politially on Dictionary.com. I hate to assume, but I'm almost positive s/he meant that s/he was politically ill after reading my "hate mongering" site.

It's true that I dislike evangelicals, zealot fundamentalists in any form. I do celebrate religion and those who practice religion that doesn't infringe on my political rights. I'm a practicing Jew for chrissakes. Two of my favorite people are fiercely religious, one is an Episcopal Priest and another is a devout Catholic. We're very supportive of each other's religious freedoms and have dished religion plenty. I've learned a lot from these two women and I'm wild about them.

What I'd like to know is how I am a "hate monger". To be clear, I am exercising my freedom of speech by writing about things that I am vehemently opposed to and support like: Overturning Proposition 8. Supporting Obama. Castrating the right wing for voter tampering. Calling republicans repubtards. Running a McCunt essay contest on my blog. Supporting a woman's right to choice. Stem cell research, and a slew of other causes and issues.

I think s/he, the author of this email should meet the broad who left this comment last night:

"O my god! You are a Jew! Don't you feel bad about that? Don't you know that the Jews murdered our Lord? Get yourself together and turn to the right religion before it's too late, girl!"

Yes, I am a JEW, a big screaming proud Jew. Jesus was a Jew, too, sugartits. Just an FYI, I think you might want to re-read your bible because we didn't murder Jesus. Jew-on-Jew killing ain't how we roll, yo.

PS: The proper term for "O my god" is "OMG" or "Oh my God", just a lil FYIer for ya.

Tomorrow, you must stop by. I scored an interview with the Editor-In-Chief of Farmhouse Magazine that I will be posting, and, and, and, their first anthology hits newsstands on November 10th!

Saturday, November 08, 2008

California Evangelicals Can Suck My Ovaries

How California can vote for hope and change in one column and for discrimination and injustice in another is so far beyond my comprehension, I'm still shocked and nauseous.

Do Californians not know from the Declaration of Independence: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. Say it with me, EEEEEEQQQUUUAAAAL. Not, equal, but, or equalish, or equal by my personal definition. EQUAL, full stop.

Hello, what about the fucking Constitution? Ever read that? Here's a link. Knock yaselves out.

We have to get involved and do everything in our power to stop this. Here's the dish: Revoke LDS Church 501 (c) (3) Status, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has gone too far in substantial activities to influence legislation.

Read the official Prop 8 Letter California and Same Sex Marriage. Add your notes to the pre-filled Tax-Exempt Organization Complaint (Referral) Form and email it eoclass@irs.gov.

Donate to Proposition 8 and help in the fight against discrimination and hate.

Sign the petition to Overturn Proposition 8.

At some future time: We shall rest easy tomorrow if we work for peace today


349/173—by 176 points, the landslide I wished and voped for.

I was watching MSNBC on election night. When Obams went from 170 to 230, they called it, and announced that Obama had won the election. I was in tears and finally felt like my vote counted. I was so proud to be a part of this American history-- In my lifetime, I never thought I'd be privileged enough to witness such a historic event on so many levels. The nation felt healed and the world celebrated. Every moment thereafter, his numbers increased as red states turned blue... it was magnificent.

After winning the election, I realized that Obama raised the bar of what I expect from my politicians. He eradicated good ol' boy politicking and made damn sure I knew that I had the right to make my elected officials accountable and to take responsibility for their actions.

Hope and prosperity are embedded into the foundation of this country, that's true. Unfortunately antiquated politics buried it for many years with stale, empty promises, lies and secrecy. On Nov. 4 those roots erupted in a surge of democracy and were victoriously restored.

Obama proved that goodness, brilliance and persistence pay off. Anything is possible. Nothing is outside of our reach. Dreams do come true and the world isn’t as ugly as it feels sometimes.

The GOP is reeling, clueless about how to play this game, the one where they need to man the fuck up and behave with integrity and ethics, and work alongside American citizens to make this country great again. Now, they're throwing Palin under the bus-- I don't mind though, because she's shameonnaise, a woman hating sandwich condiment. However, it would be nice if they grew up and figured out the best thing to do is... CHANGE.

Title reference Dictionary.com

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

YES WE CAN!

Such a beautiful video.





[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

OBAMA VOTING



Beautiful....

Don't forget: Calfornia voters, NO ON PROP 8
Vote OBAMA/BIDEN (Bottom of the ticket in CA)


[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

LOS ANGELES VOTERS PAY ATTENTION


If you haven't voted yet, OBAMA/BIDEN is at the BOTTOM of the ticket, be super careful and pay very close attention when you vote! Vote, baby vote! IT WAS AWESOME!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Rachel Maddow on Poll Tax

Love this broad.... She's right.



[ Find Your Polling Place Voting Info For Your State Know Your Voting Rights Report Voting Problems ]

ELECTION PREDICTIONS: PUNDITS WEIGH IN

More from HuffPo. A'course only one schmuck thinks McPainInTheAss will actually win. Gaaaaahd.

Matthew Dowd
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 338 McCain 200
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 250 Democrats 185 Republicans

George Will
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 378 McCain 160
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 254 Democrats 181 Republicans

Donna Brazile
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 343
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 39 Republicans
House Seats: 262 Democrats 173 Republicans

George Stephanopoulos
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 353 McCain 185
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats (59 if there's a run-off in Georgia)
Republicans 40 House Seats: Democrats 264 Republicans 171

Mark Halperin
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 349 McCain 189
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 261 Democrats 174 Republicans

Chris Matthews
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 338 McCain 200
Senate Seats: 56 Democrats 42 Republicans
House Seats: 264 Democrats 171 Republicans

Nate Silver
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 347 McCain 191
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 258 Democrats 177 Republicans

Chris Cillizza
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: 312 McCain 226
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 266 Democrats 169 Republicans

Arianna Huffington
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 318 McCain 220
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 254 Democrats 181 Republicans

Fred Barnes
Winner: McCain
Electoral College: Obama 252 McCain 286
Senate Seats: 55 Democrats 43 Republicans
House Seats: 255 Democrats 180 Republicans

Eleanor Clift
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 349 McCain 189
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 265 Democrats 170 Republicans

Markos Moulitas
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 390 McCain 148
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 268 Democrats 167 Republicans

Ed Rollins
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 353 McCain 185
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 249 Democrats 186 Republicans

Paul Begala
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 325 McCain 213
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans

James Carville
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 330 McCain 208
Senate Seats: 60 Democrats 38 Republicans

Charles Mahtesian (National Politics Editor, Politico.com)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 311 McCain 227
Senate Seats: 56 Democrats 42 Republicans
House Seats: 256 Democrats 179 Republicans

Morton Kondracke
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 379 McCain 159
Senate Seats: 57 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 269 Democrats 166 Republicans

David Plotz (Editor, Slate)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 336 McCain 202
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 39 Republicans
House Seats: 257 Democrats 178 Republicans

Alex Castellanos (Republican media consultant)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 318 McCain 220
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 42 Republicans

Dan Gerstein (Democratic media consultant, former manager of Sen. Joe Lieberman's re-election campaign)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 318 McCain 220
Senate Seats: 55 Democrats 43 Republicans
House Seats: 260 Democrats 175 Republicans

Tom Doherty (New York Republican consultant)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 331 McCain 207
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 42 Republicans
House Seats: 255 Democrats 180 Republicans

Robert Y. Shapiro (Columbia University political scientist)
Winner: Obama
Popular Vote: Obama 53 McCain 47
Senate Seats: 58 Democrats 40 Republicans
House Seats: 259 Democrats 176 Republicans

Robert Erickson (Columbia University political scientist)
Winner: Obama
Popular Vote: Obama 52.5 McCain 47.5
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 41 Republicans
House Seats: 253 Democrats 182 Republicans

Alan Abramowitz (Emory University political scientist)
Winner: Obama
Electoral College: Obama 361 McCain 177
Senate Seats: 59 Democrats 40 Republicans (with a run-off in Georgia)
House Seats: 256 Democrats 179 Republicans



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FINAL PRESIDENTIAL POLLS


From HuffPo: Final Presidential Polls. Work a phone bank, volunteer. Get the dish here.

New national polls on the last day of the race:
Hotline: Obama 50, McCain 45
Ipsos/McClatchy: Obama 50, McCain 42
Daily Kos/Research 2000: Obama 51, McCain 45
Marist: Obama 53, McCain 44
WSJ/NBC: Obama 51, McCain 43




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DO NOT LET INTIMIDATION STAND IN THE WAY OF YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE!

We all know what a scandaliciouos scumbag John McCain in the ass is and how disgusting and deceitful the repubtards are as a rule, so we shouldn't be shocked by the article below. They've been licking Satan's cum stains from their faces for how many years now? However, they have found a way to sink even lower. This article nauseated me. Shameless bunch'o bitches.

By DEBORAH HASTINGS, AP

In the hours before Election Day, as inevitable as winter, comes an onslaught of dirty tricks — confusing e-mails, disturbing phone calls and insinuating fliers left on doorsteps during the night.

The intent, almost always, is to keep folks from voting or to confuse them, usually through intimidation or misinformation. But in this presidential race, in which a black man leads most polls, some of the deceit has a decidedly racist bent.

Complaints have surfaced in predominantly African-American neighborhoods of Philadelphia where fliers have circulated, warning voters they could be arrested at the polls if they had unpaid parking tickets or if they had criminal convictions.

Over the weekend in Virginia, bogus fliers with an authentic-looking commonwealth seal said fears of high voter turnout had prompted election officials to hold two elections — one on Tuesday for Republicans and another on Wednesday for Democrats.

In New Mexico, two Hispanic women filed a lawsuit last week claiming they were harassed by a private investigator working for a Republican lawyer who came to their homes and threatened to call immigration authorities, even though they are U.S. citizens.

"He was questioning her status, saying that he needed to see her papers and documents to show that she was a U.S. citizen and was a legitimate voter," said Guadalupe Bojorquez, speaking on behalf of her mother, Dora Escobedo, a 67-year-old Albuquerque resident who speaks only Spanish. "He totally, totally scared the heck out of her."

In Pennsylvania, e-mails appeared linking Democrat Barack Obama to the Holocaust. "Jewish Americans cannot afford to make the wrong decision on Tuesday, Nov. 4," said the electronic message, paid for by an entity calling itself the Republican Federal Committee. "Many of our ancestors ignored the warning signs in the 1930s and 1940s and made a tragic mistake."

Laughlin McDonald, who leads the ACLU's Voting Rights Project, said he has never seen "an election where there was more interest and more voter turnout, and more efforts to suppress registration and turnout. And that has a real impact on minorities."
The Obama campaign and civil rights advocacy groups have signed up millions of new voters for this presidential race. In Ohio alone, some 600,000 have submitted new voter registration cards.

Across the country, many of these first-time voters are young and strong Obama supporters. Many are also black and Hispanic.

Activist groups say it is this fresh crop of ballot-minded citizens that makes some Republicans very nervous. And they say they expect the dirty tricks to get dirtier in final hours before Tuesday.

"Oh, there's plenty of time for things to get ugly," said Zachary Stalberg, president of The Committee of Seventy, a Philadelphia-based government watchdog group that is nonpartisan.

Other reports of intimidation efforts in the hotly contested state of Pennsylvania include leaflets taped to picnic benches at Drexel University, warning students that police would be at the polls on Tuesday to arrest would-be voters with prior criminal offenses.

In his Jewish neighborhood, Stalberg said, fliers were recently left claiming Obama was more sympathetic to Palestinians than to Israel, and showed a photograph of him speaking in Germany.

"It shows up between the screen door and the front door in the middle of the night," Stalberg said. "Why couldn't someone knock on the door and hand that to me in the middle of the day? In a sense, it's very smartly done. The message gets through. It's done carefully enough that people might read it."

Such tactics are common, and are often impossible to trace. Robo-calls, in which automated, bogus phone messages are sent over and over, are very hard to trace to their source, say voting advocates. E-mails fall into the same category.

In Nevada, for example, Latino voters said they had received calls from people describing themselves as Obama volunteers, urging them to cast their ballot over the phone.
The calls were reported to Election Protection, a nonprofit advocacy group that runs a hot line for election troubles. The organization does not know who orchestrated them.

"The Voting Rights Act makes it a crime to misled and intimidate voters," said McDonald. "If you can find out who's doing it, those people should be prosecuted. But sometimes it's just difficult to know who's doing what. Some of it's just anonymous."

Trying to mislead voters is nothing new.

"We see this every year," said Jonah Goldman of the advocacy group Lawyers' Committee for Civil Rights Under Law. "It all happens around this time when there's too much other stuff going on in the campaigns, and it doesn't get investigated."

In 2006, automated phone calls in the final days leading to the federal election wrongly warned voters they would not be allowed to vote without a photo ID. In Colorado and Virginia, people reported receiving calls that told them their registrations had expired and they would be arrested if they showed up to vote.

The White House contest of 2004 was marked by similar deceptions. In Milwaukee, fliers went up advising people "if you've already voted in any election this year, you can't vote in the presidential election." In Pennsylvania, a letter bearing what appeared to be the McCandless Township seal falsely proclaimed that in order to cut long voting lines, Republicans would cast ballots on Nov. 2 and Democrats would vote on Nov. 3.

E-mail assaults have become increasingly popular this year, keeping pace with the proliferation of blogging and Obama's massive online campaign efforts, according to voting activists.

"It is newer and more furious than it ever has been before," Goldman said.

And Republicans are not exempt. "Part of it is that election campaigns are more online than ever before," said Goldman. "During the primaries, a lot of Web sites went up that seemed to be for (GOP candidate Rudy) Giuliani, but actually were attack sites."

New York City's former mayor and his high-profile colleagues Fred Thompson and Mitt Romney were also targeted in fake Internet sites that featured "quotes" from the candidates espousing support for extreme positions they never endorsed.




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Sunday, November 02, 2008

Adventures in Repubtardism

Courtesy of the great Randal Graves, PALIN PUNKED! Prank Call with Fake French President Sarkozy.






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The Perfect American Family



I want to feel proud to be an American again. To me, the Obama family represents the best of America. He has got to win on Tuesday, November 4th. I kvell and get the chills every time I see pictures of them. Win, baby, win!

God Save The Queens


BEST OBAMA POSTER EVAH. Halloween night in WeHo.

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Is This Cunty?

The non-sequitur post from hell.

If I was paying for an opinion, I'd fill out a survey or log into a Dr. Phil forum, or ask a friend.

When I check-out at a store, all I want to be asked is, cash, credit or check?

"Should you really be buying pretzels", wholey Foods clerkcunt asks. Between us, Glutino Pretzels are gluten/vegan free noshies ta'die for, and one of the greatest organic, diet worthy, health conscious foods created. Not to be eaten every day, but if you want to feel like you're having a real snack on a Saturday afternoon or whenever, they're delish.

Back to clerkcunt. "How is the food I buy any of your business?" I asked. "I see you in here a lot and you always buy fresh veggies and fruit. I assumed you were on a diet. Why sabotage yourself?"

I walked right over to a manager and said, "Your clerk is stalking me." After explaining what happened, he apologized. We walked back over to clerkcunt. The manager said "Apologize to our customer. Customers buy whatever they want. If she wants to make bad food choices, that's her responsibility, not ours."

"YOU CALL THAT AN APOLOGY?!" I screamed. "You and your fucking store clerk can suck my ovaries, lick the urine from the folds of my labia and rim my pre-showered asshole." (It was 7AM, it seemed like a logical response.)

They offered to give me my groceries for free. In this economy, I should've accepted. Instead, I chose never to go back to that Whole Foods again. I've banned how many WF's now? The shame.

Maybe I'm overly sensitivo at my current weight. I really don't know. Here's how I feel about the matter: Fuck their eyeballs with salty cum. Spiders should screw each other's brains out inside their nostrils and line their sinuses with spidey babyballs before exiting. They should shit slugs, worms and scabies.

The scent wafting from scented candles gets stuck in your neck if you burn while sleeping. So gross. Never burning a scented candle again, Illume or other. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Space trash the size of a refrigerator is careening towards earth and scheduled to arrive in the Earth's atmosphere late Sunday. A year and a half ago, an astronaut tossed it overboard.

"NASA and the U.S. Space Surveillance Network are tracking the object - a 1,400-pound tank of toxic ammonia coolant thrown from the International Space Station - to make sure it does not endanger people on Earth. Exactly where the tank will inevitably fall is currently unknown, though it is expected to re-enter Earth's atmosphere Sunday afternoon or later that evening, NASA officials said." Let me make sure I understand this. A toxic ammonia coolant is watching the object speed towards earth to make sure it doesn't endanger us, but they are clueless about where it's going to land. Ah, now I get it. Right. Makes perfect sense. Moving along.

"This has got a very low likelihood that anybody will be impacted by it," said Mike Suffredini, NASA's space station program manager, in an interview. "But still, it is a large object and pieces will enter and we just need to be cautious. If anybody found a piece of anything on the ground Monday morning, I would hope they wouldn't get too close to it," Suffredini said. Suffredini, are you fucktarded? Did you miss Creepshow?

"As a matter of course, we don't throw things overboard haphazardly," Suffredini said. "We have a policy that has certain criteria we have to meet before you can throw something overboard." Really? You sure about that? Cause it sounds a whole lot like toxic ammonia coolant is a no-no and shouldn't have been discarded. "Oops." Isn't really going to cut it, sweetie.

My sister made a great point about Halloween. She went trick-or-treating with friends and their loin fruit. She said, "We teach our kids never to talk to talk to strangers or eat candy from a stranger, or enter their residence. On Halloween, we take them out to do that very thing. So weird."

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Saturday, November 01, 2008

FUCKING VOTE

I overheard a disturbing conversation the other day between two broads "The lines are soooo long for early voting, imagine how long they will be on Nov 4th? I might just blow it off."


DO NOT BLOW IT OFF. ANYONE WHO THINKS THEIR VOTE DOESN'T COUNT, LEMME TELL YAS, IT COUNTS.

VOTE. VOTE. VOTE.

Do not leave your vote in the hands of others. This is our country and we need to reclaim it (that was so Barbara Streisand meets Shirley MacLaine).

Seriously, peeps... Vote!

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Thanks for the links, Frannygirl!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Barack Obama's Infomercial

If you missed it, here it is. Watch it for inspiration, hope and the promise of change, something I do believe This One will actually deliver.

I'm so proud of my family. Each has been proactively involved in his campaign, from donating money to volunteering and getting the message out there: VOTE FOR BARACK OBAMA and JOE BIDEN.

Sex and Politics

From my friend Patrick, Cabbage Patch Politics: Where McCain and Obama Can Both Win. Ha.

Obama Leads or Is Tied in 8 Key States, fab.

If we can turn our heads for just a wee minute from politics to, oh, I don't know, SEX. I have some delicious dish. My good friend Al Sensu is dispensing SEX ADVICE on Hard and Fast. Oh, man, this child was born to drop pearls of cum laced wisdom. Check it out, yo. You will not be disappointed:

Deep Throat (you want to do it or get it), Anal Angst (how many times have we all said that?), I Lost my Female Best Friend (awww. I feel for the guy).

After the read, e-stalk Al for advice. I have. Knock wood, I can now suck a bagel through an Asian man's cock. We all need a trick of the trade.

God, I hope my father doesn't read that last bit...

God Save the Queens


Palin Effigy Prompts Visit From Feds. West Hollywood, home of the brave and the proud is making a bold statement against Palin and McCain, a duo that wants to pray the gay away and send hold-outs to a remote island. In response, the Feds came for a social call? I digress. And. It's Hall-a-fuckin-ween. The parade will be filled with Palin and McCain drag queens done right for a change, and for less than 150K in clothing and 28K in make-up.
Are they kidding? The Feds.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

As Promised to September's McCunt Essayists

We announced the September McCunt essay contest winner, Frannygirl and the October McCunt essay winner, DrugMonkey.

As an added bonus, we are giving (love saying we, especially when we all fucking know we is just me) September's essayists one more shot at winning! That's right, beautiful babies, you have until this time next Tuesday to vote for the three following essays:

1) Sometimes I want to call Cindy McCain a Cunt, too by writer and renaissance man JDC of Democracy hypocrisy.

2) I am John McCunt and I approve this message by writer diva of Pulp Friction.

3) McMunt's Idea of Health Care Reform by writer and man of moxie squared, Rick of Traveling Man Rick.

Here's the deal, children, leave your votes in the comments section for each of the essays you are voting for. You have one week. Only new votes are counted, so get ta'steppin, yo!

Loving,
Schwartzy

Monday, October 27, 2008

And the Winner of October's McCunt Essay Contest

Is.... DRUG MONKEY!!!

DM, you have won a dozen Bojamacakes courtesy of baking goddess Jintrinsique. CONGRATULATIONS, TOOTS! Thank you for your wonderful essay, If you Listen Closely as you Read This, You can Hear me Reaching Hard to Create Three, I May Have Turn a Rotar Cuff.

I would also like to thank your fierce competitors, essayists Fredrick Schwartz of Hell's Leading Newspaper, the Dis-Brimstone and Mister Mister of one of the net's finest poli reads, Earth Observation. You rocked it, beautiful babies.

Thank you, Drug Monkey and CONGRATULATIONS, ya big stud.

 

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