well, I'll be dipped in fat free, salty man juice. ain't this a vulva lip twitching comment.
by george, anonymous can write. I damn near flooded the building. my neighbors had the red cross on speed dial. I think they were just hoping for free debit cards. keep the dream alive, my friends.
this might be the same george. the george I knew was chuvvy. funny. big guy. balding at whatever age I knew him. 19, 20-1? he doesn't sound hot. he wasn't, but my god did he have charisma. he made me laugh. a lot. he was smart. he moved to lake tahoe and got thin. came back and tried to fuck me with a baggie. I'm smarter than that even when my olivia isn't. I think he was hungarian. and a heeblette, no? not that it mattered. his father was some fancy shmancy something. I don't remember. I wasn't a trust fund kid. I was a fat kid.
did I ever blow you?
how old are you?
are we the same age?
love the shiksa goddess yarn. stairway to heaven! was she your first? did you marry her? is the torch alive, anon?
From: Anonymous [mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org]
Sent: Thursday, August 31, 2006 7:11 PM
Subject: [katie schwartz]
8/31/2006 07:10:53 PM
Well now that’s funny. George Balog just popped into my mind too. So I googled him, and now here I am on Katie’s blog.
Unlike Katie, I didn’t know George very well. We briefly went to junior high school together in San Francisco. He used to go out with this girl Ilena, who was really hot. There was this one party at which I somehow found myself dancing with her. Long after she had broken up with George, of course. George was a nice guy, but he might have clobbered me. He was such a big kid, you know, that George Balog. Really huge and powerful. Anyway, I guess I asked Ilena to dance, and to my shock and surprise, she said yes. To my even greater shock and surprise, the next song that came on was “Stairway to Heaven!” Can you believe it? The ultimate slow dance song. According to the custom of the day, this meant that Ilena was obligated to slow dance with me, at least until the fast part of the song started, when she would be free to back off and fast dance if she wanted.
But she didn’t! What a night. What a memory. Slowly, we swayed back and forth together, for the full seven minutes plus, even during the "and as we wind on down the road" part. My gangly Jewish-boy-on-a-growth-spurt arms tenderly embracing her perfectly proportioned, stunningly mesomorphic torso. My nose nuzzling into her exotically straight, naturally blonde shiksa hair. She rested her cheek softly against my chest, as though she literally didn’t mind the whole thing at all. It was like a lifetime elapsed in those seven minutes. We never even got to first base. Oh, the pubescent bliss.
So anyway, more than 20 years have elapsed since then, and some other things happened. I don’t have any idea what happened to George, but I’ll tell you one thing, I hope he didn’t become the deputy commissioner of public health awareness or something, because if he did, that whole baggie incident might not be such good publicity for him.
However, and this is my main point here, George wasn't Jewish, was he? I thought he was pretty much Hungarian. At least, my George Balog was. Maybe Katie’s was a different guy. Still, though…
--Posted by Anonymous to katie schwartz at 8/31/2006 07:10:53 PM
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:38 PM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
and so generous. each day, jc takes time out of his busy schedule to keep me in the christian loop, delivering all sorts of e-goodies to my inbox: christian mortgage products. christian debt counseling. christian singles sites. christian recipe's. so far my favorite sites have been the christian joke sites with an emphasis on clean humor. clean, meaning, they don't use bad words like, liberal, democrat, fiscal responsibility or budget.
I didn't think it was possible for jc to outdo himself, but who better than the master of tricks himself. one of his trusted lackeys sent me an email today letting me know that by simply emailing her back, I will receive a 9 mm dollar inheritance to continue doing his work.
the most amazing thing about her email was learning that jesus himself feels that I do good work. I knew jesus emailed me, of course, but I had no idea he made time to read my blog! especially now with yet another mid-east crisis. I assumed his vacation plans were squelched. no doubt I'll be receiving some type of divine stamp on my blog. you know, the ol', jesus' stamp of approval.
anyway, I've never been a selfish dame, so if you're doing godly work like me, drop me a line, I'm happy to share his money with you too!!!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:36 PM
yeah. you heard me. I HHHHHate fat rolling panties. the in case of emergency undies that sit at the bottom of your drawer. the ones you take out, out of necessity because you're too god damned fat and lazy to do laundry. they barely cover the beav and give you a sweet plumbers crack. spending hours taunting your fat roll to fit.
mother fucking self esteem killing textiles! I should burn them. if I wasn't so laundry phobic, I would.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:11 PM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
so, have you bought amy's book, three fallen women, yet? what are you waiting for? a personal invitation? consider this, that!
amy guth is fabulous. funny. and one hell of a writer. she's also got a mascot for her book tour. it's hilar squared and most befitting.
with august coming to a close, the countdown to the september 10th interview has begun:::
amy guth, the wise crackin' feminist behind three fallen women
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:29 PM
I got a notice in the mail from my slumlord today that he's raising my rent $100. a month. he also wants another $100 in security for his shitty whore in the wall dirt jungle.
I can't help but wonder if it's a ploy to get me to move because I pay my rent a few days late.
first of all... in my defense. and? this is a problem because?
I so don't want to move. + I am not signing another one-year lease and committing to residency in the city of contagious silicon for another mother fucking cock sucking year. I would rather give my ass an address and start charging rent to all the life sucking schmucks crawling all up inside it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:12 PM
as I was installing another encyclopedia this afternoon, I decided to read the packaging. know what it said?
I can't remember the last time I said to my sister, "guess what day it is?!" and she gleefully shouted, "oh my god... you're menstruating. yay! happy period, katie girl"
like we should break out the cupcakes and candles, singing, "happy period to you. happy period to you. happy period dear katie. happy period to you."
where's my fucking gift? I'm bleeding. apparently it's an occasion. I want my fucking gift, hallways.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:02 PM
I started menstruating at 8pm. I was minding my own craving-free-business when all of a sudden, whoosh, I was menstruating! quite frankly, I'm a little pissed. where the fuck were the uncontrollable-reduced-to-tears, salt fantasies or the heart palpitating sugar cum dreams. where was the life sucking exhaustion?!
not a mood swing in sight. no rage. no crying. nothing. it was la-de-da - PERIOD!
what the fuck? am I the new face of pms?! is this the future of menses? cause I really need some fuckin' continuity in my life right now and I really don't feel like adapting to yet another major life change without any forewarning or discussion.
I had no encyclopedias. no gingerale. no salted tops. no painkillers. I was completely unprepared for the circus act to be in town. the sneak attack rags are always womb hostage cramp killers with those lovely random jolts of snatch pain that make your eyes water and your body go fetal.
other then that, it was an, eh, day. I didn't get as many things accomplished as I needed to. but, I did go on a bleach cleaning spree so satisfying it was of the goose bump variety. I am such a bleach spray cleaner whore. if I'm going to clean, I want germs dating back a hundred years and hopeful germs to come to be eradicated in a defiant bush hates liberals kind of way.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:12 AM
Sunday, August 27, 2006
this morning when louie jew and I were at the park, fanny pack made a cameo. it was all very exciting!
the conversation went like this:
fanny pack: good morning.
(I did an over the shoulder glance as a "just in case" he wasn't speaking to me.)
me: good morning to you.
fanny pack: he sure can jump.
(oh my god, you still have the bionic voice. oh, please do a slow motion bionic jump! please, please with sugar on top, please.)
me: why yes he can!
fanny pack: I'd hate to be that rope!
the toy I throw to louie. I know. you know. whatever.
me: laughing. laughing. laughing. gratuitous. gratuitous. gratuitous.
bitchy or not, it was still a great bionic moment. I wanted to ask if his plastic surgery included any bionic capabilities but I thought that would be rude. do we know if bioboy is seemingly straight or a voracious bottom?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:34 PM
today, I was minding my own business while stopped at an intersection.
I drive a 30-year-old bmw. it ain't flashy. but it's a sweet ride ... to me. albeit not very jew-c of me. but, it was free. it's in mint condition with only 50,000 miles. believe me, my grandmothers are plotzing in heaven from this deal.
so, all of a sudden I hear a loud vroom, vroom, vrroooooom next to me. I look over and see mr. midlife crisis, clearly working on wife #3, driving some obnoxious orange cock extender on wheels, staring at me while revving his engine.
believe me when I say it wasn't sexual. don't hock. let me be in the epicenter of my self esteem crisis in peace. thank you, dahlings.
he mouths, "it's on!"
mind you, I'm having a perfectly jewrific sunday. I'm driving with my dog, louie, listening to the way we were. a little, sailing by christopher cross. the rose. louie's popping his head out the sunroof. no the window. no the sunroof. I'm drinking crystal light lemonade. he's drinking icy water from his bowl.
WHAT'S BAD?! NEWS...
wellllll, mr. hunting for third wife, rolls his window down and over his revving engine screams, "race?! come on!"
I started laughing.
he says, "scared I'm gonna whup your ass?!"
ps: who says, whup? that is so short bus.
I said, "what is wrong with you?! what part of this car and me, makes you think I want to race you?!"
so, what does he do... he punches the gas and as he's driving off into the distance, I hear, "puuuuussssyyyyy."
ahhh... moments later, I rolled past his mini cockhighness and witnessed a most peeved officer giving him a ticket. I blew him a kiss.
nobody calls katie a pussy! (baby in the corner enough for you?! the shame)
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:28 PM
even when cormac brown is out of town, he manages to spin one hell of a yarn! check it out, "they call her the breeze". it's a quick, great read with lots of twists and turns.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:56 PM
here's a dame with moxie, amy guth. acclaimed writer and anti socialite with an absolute point of view. read her rantings. buy her book, three fallen women. now. not later. come on! she's fabulous. check back on sunday, september 10th to read her interview:
amy guth, the wise crackin' feminist behind three fallen women
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:35 PM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:35 PM
Friday, August 25, 2006
last night during my daily vocab run, I hit jack ass jimmy's blog. via his blog, I clicked to a five minute video clip of anne coulter on hardball.
not to be hack or anything, but the incendiary interview made me want face time with the cunt, to ask tough-goddess-christiane amanpour, questions.
as luck would have it, I found her cunt's email address online, email@example.com. within five minutes of clicking send, she emailed me back. guess she's not quite the busy beaver I thought she'd be.
after a few emails back and forth, she granted me permission to interview her via instant messenger. she was very forthcoming.
me: thank you so much for this interview. I really appreciate it.
cunt: my pleasure! I always welcome an opportunity to speak my mind. people have a very negative image of me, of who they think I am.
me: can you elaborate for us, please?
cunt: like so many of my sister cunts, I'm in a very abusive and emotionally crippling relationship. I didn't choose to be anne's cunt. I got placed here without my consent because SOMEONE lost the 1961 annual suicide bet. I won't name names: "dog".
me: abusive and emotionally crippling? that's horrible. how so?
cunt: she considers me a traitor... um... this is really personal, heavy stuff. maybe I should do this interview under a pen name.
me: I don't see how that's possible. bush's pussy. cheney's gash. condi's slit. I mean, these are some big movers and shakers who are synonymous with those names. I think you're just going to have to deal with anne's cunt. look, I'm pretty perceptive. I can see how damaged you are and I am truly very sorry. but, speaking out and not hiding behind a pen name, well that's just about the bravest thing a cunt can do.
me: is that a yes, katie?
cunt: ... yeah. I guess so.
me: atta' cunt! so, what is it that you're holding back? talk to me. I'm all eyes.
cunt: anne doesn't get me. she ignores me. berates me. she laughs at my needs like I'm some needy cunt when I'm not. everything is a personal attack on anne. nobody understand's anne's problems, anne's lonely life. she thinks I'm a liberal menses loving whore and therefore a traitor. as punishment, she stuffs these thick giant, incredibly painful plugs inside me for 7 days straight. can you imagine what that's like? I never go out on any dates. I haven't seen cock in years, much less a vibrator. I'm unbearably lonely. I'd like to be in a relationship. anne's legs are always squeezed shut. I never get a moment of fresh air unless she's decided to spread in the shower, which is VERY RARE. you can't fucking imagine what it's like being anne's cunt. nobody wants to get inside her and see what's going on. she alienates everyone. but, you know what the worst is... when she stares at her reflection or watches her interviews, I feel the brunt of it, it's like katrina. I can't catch my breath from the flooding. and, I worry. I worry that I'll drown. irrational as that may seem. it's a very real fear for me.
me: I am absolutely floored. I had so much hope for anne's cunt. how do you cope? how do you face each day? it's so heinous.
cunt: I'm not handling it well. my doctor says that I have developed a chronic case of candida and trichomoniasis. unfortunately, it's another weakness in anne's eyes. I swim in summer's eve and vagisil every single fucking day! I'm very suicidal.
me: bravo, cunt, for speaking out and not taking this lying down! you are the bravest cunt I've ever met.
unfortunately, anne's cunt signed off after that. anne whisked her away and made her watch her 2004 interviews about the presidential election.
I think we should all pray for anne's cunt. maybe even sign a petition and see if we can't get anne's cunt removed.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:11 PM
I always do a read receipt when I send vimp emails and guess what, yoplait deleted my email!!! check it out:
To: Consumer Services-Yoplait Subject: RE: Yoplait Website Response 2006/08/24-1878 JMP Sent: Fri, 25 Aug 2006 19:37:37 -0500
was deleted without being read on Sat, 26 Aug 2006 07:15:55 -0500
I read an article. I gotta stop reading... about carmine in yoplait yogurt, not laverne and shirley's carmine, the crushed beetle, carmine. I was pretty disgusted, so I emailed them a very, consumer in distress mode, email. come on, it's crushed fucking beetles. wouldn't you?!
From: Consumer Services-Yoplait
Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 5:29 PM
To: katie schwartz
Subject: Yoplait Website Response
Dear Ms. Schwartz:
Thank you for contacting Yoplait regarding carmine used in Yoplait yogurt. Carmine is a naturally derived red color extracted from the dried shells of the cochineal beetle. Carmine is an FDA approved ingredient and is commonly used in many foods such as ice cream, soft drinks, sweets and candies. If a product of ours contains carmine, we have always listed this our ingredients listing on our packaging, even though the FDA does not require it to be labeled.
Yoplait Consumer Services
From: katie schwartz
Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 5:38 PM
To: 'Consumer Services-Yoplait'
RE: Yoplait Website Response 2006/08/24-1878 JMP
You know, by listing carmine, you’re not doing us a favor. You’re doing your job. Where you’re failing is by not mentioning that it’s a non-vegetarian product. Beetle is a bug. Bug is non-vegetarian. Don’t you think it’s important to, oh, I don’t know, mention that your yogurt isn’t IN FACT VEGETARIAN for those who are (A) allergic to meat and (B) maintain a strict lacto ovo vegetarian diet?!
I mean where’s the social responsibility in this respect?! PINK LABELS AIN'T WHERE THE BUCK STOPS, BABY!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:45 PM
"Tom Cruise realizes he crossed a line when he criticized Brooke Shields last summer for her use of antidepressants, a colleague of the actor says. "That, he deeply regrets," Kathleen Kennedy, who produced Cruise's War of the Worlds with Steven Spielberg, tells the New York Daily News."
I guess someone's bride of scientology, hatie better off homeless, has developed an alarming case of post partum cutting. Or the cult of scientology really wants a fucking paycheck. whatever the reason, someone needs to tell mary that she can't skulk back into her creepy, vile, uneducated, dumb ass freak closet and exit "normal." though my aunt fudgie always says, "katealah, the damage is only done when you're six feet under," I'm sure she'd exclude mary cruise.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:37 AM
my neighbor went from being polly pleasant to an epic snatch. bitch moves in. bitch asks me IF I see fed ex IF I will buzz them into the building so they can leave her high cuntness her cuntmanual. I agree. what the fuck do I care. I'm not signing anything and it's only IF I run into them. she thanks me, blah, blah, blah.
newsflash, I didn't run into fedex so I couldn't let them in.
well, I ran into her cuntness yesterday and she shot me a demonic glare. I thought to myself, ya know what, ya vile non-leash using, nazi dog owning, jewgirl from hell, who died and made you queen of the cunts, huh?
get off the snatch express, gaaaaaaaahd.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:37 AM
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:34 PM
doc at into the sunrise posted a fly nerd test. I failed miserably:
what does this mean?
not nerdy, but definitely not hip.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:06 AM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:53 AM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:48 AM
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
1) she's a "show", not "tell", girl
2) since her divorce, she wants to make 100% certain that men know she still has a pussy
3) she's ready to date the blind
4) she's more than just a pretty face
5) she's en route to a lesbian luncheon
6) she's going to the pleasure chest and doesn't have time to try IN vibes. she needs to roll up to a clerk and say, "do you have anything in my size?"
7) she was hoping to offset the white bag bashing after labor day that would've ensued
8) see! I told you my lips matched!
9) she feels like nobody pays any attention to her. the lips are a last stitch effort
10) she's auditioning for a lip salve commercial
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:21 PM
paris hilton, "my album is so good it makes me cry"
if you say so, creepy.
When I was little," she tells Blender magazine for its September issue, she was forced to practice piano, violin and guitar "every day ... since I was 11. My mom made me." All the practice seems to have paid off: Of her new album, she tells the magazine: "I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."
she doesn't cry. she like cries. how do you like cry? do tears stream down your pussy until you calmly say, "oops, wrong gash."
"People go crazy," she says. "They love it. Everyone's like, 'Who is this?' I don't tell. Because I don't want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. I think when people don't know it's me, they won't judge it. But if they know it's me, then they'll be like, 'Ugh.' They won't even dance."
ah, our little std is growing up. fortunately, she's still managing to maintain her amazing idiot girl status with two opposing thoughts in one statement.
"I think people expect me to be this bitch snob," she says. "But I'm really nice, and I feel bad if I'm mean."
but, just to white people, right?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:07 PM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:58 PM
Monday, August 21, 2006
it's no secret that I am ocd about christian blogs. I know. don't hock. I read a post tonight on one of my christian blog runs and I am so completely disturbed by it, i can't even begin to tell you. I feel violated. nauseas. disgusted. the post is called, the blessing of an adult daughter at home. it is so creepy in a david koresh personal ad meets chick who's been mainlining way too much jesus!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:42 PM
is alive! I see him walking many mornings just outside of my neighborhood. I'm always shocked. not from his over indulgence in face lifts and nose jobs. but, the fact that he's still got a pulse. and that he actually wears a fanny pack. a real live honest to goodness fanny pack.
every time I pass him, I just want to make the bionic, da-na-na-na-na sound under my breath, but I don't.
you know what's even more upsetting?!?!? that I don't even want to suck his six million dollar man cock. that is so bothersome, I can't begin to tell you.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:19 PM
... you're so fucking bored and life sucked at your day job, that your response to a perfectly professional inquiry is as follows:
joke: horse walks into a bar. bartender says, "hey, man. why the long face."
anecdote: this weekend, my best friend asked me if I wanted to get married. I told her that I don't think I ever want to be someone's wife. she looked at me like I should give up my rights to womanhood.
ideas: floating pollen suckers. this would eliminate the majority of outdoor allergies
concerns: that I need to replace my blackberry.
comments: appetizers are much tastier than entrees.
etc.: sometimes I think I should get my dog, louie, some shoes. dogs are only issued one set of paws. this seems impractical. where's the back up plan?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:13 PM
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:33 PM
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I have three articles due today that I really don't feel like writing. I write questionable content under a pen name. don't even think about asking me what that content is, cause I ain't spillin'.
I'm so god damned frustrated for a change, but I am getting closer to building a bridge and getting over it. I just never, in a million years thought I'd be "here" where I am at this point in my life. I know, 90% of people feel the same way. GOT IT. doesn't make it any easier. yes, I'm grateful for many things. still, it doesn't diminish the agida.
I need benadryl.
louie is so cute.
gotta run. we're going for a drive along the coast and then to play some catch on the beach. that should clear the ol' noggin.
eh who cahes.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:22 PM
here's a heads up... aol is now free. that's right, free, F-R-E-E.
for those of you who don't know and are still being charged like I was, get on the horn to them right now by logging into your aol account. type in keyword: billing live support, cancel and get your money back.
I don't use aol anymore except for IM, but I wanted to keep my email address because I've had it for 10-years until I've completely migrated everyone over to my gmail. not so easy to do believe me.
two weeks ago the service became free regardless of their broadband provider and one week ago they charged my card $239! I was furious. got a full refund. I suggest you do the same...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:17 PM
have ya'll read steve martin's passion of the christ script notes? it is so funny! read it.
We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great. You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights.
Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself?
The creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators:
Spectator one: 'Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself?'
Spectator two: 'He can only use his powers to help others, never himself.'
Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud.
Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit: Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5:14pm."
Love the repetition of "is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look into camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot. Also could he change water into wine in last supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it's legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene.
Love the flaying !!!!!
Could the Rabbis be Hispanic? There's lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there's some justification for it. Is there somewhere where Jesus could be using an IMac?
You know, now that I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? (Reminder: heaven is timeless).
The studio is very high on Johnny Depp right now. Just saw him in "Pirates." He was hilarious. Might be right for Jesus? Not so straightforward. He could bring a lot of pizzazz to the role. I think a meeting would be warranted.
Love the idea of Monica Belluci as Mary Magdalene (Yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger.
Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he's a little "conflicted." Couldn't he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, 30 pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it's very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with.
Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy."
Merchandising issue: it seems the cross image has been done to death and we can't own it. Could the crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there's a shape we can copyright, like an ellipse?
I'm assuming "the dialogue is in Aremeic," is a typo for "American." If not call me on my cell or I'm at home all weekend. By the way, I'm sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of the release date. Would love to invite your dad!
See you at the movies!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:01 AM
of course smellG is a jew hatin' prick. poor thing has had to really keep that bit of trivia to himself.
but my mother made a really great point... as vile as he is, studios that are pulling his movie deals are condoning censorship. I don't have to see his movies ever again, and I won't. but, his voice shouldn't be stifled. if it is, we're dictating what is appropriate to say and what isn't. that's just wrong.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:49 AM
but that doesn't mean I don't still love my breasts... I do. we're thick as thieves, tight as we ever were. metaphorically speaking of course.
I need change. why not. so, I figured a blog makeover. can't hurt. if we hate it. I'll change it back. at least it's an attempt at change.
I am pathetic.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:46 AM
Thursday, August 17, 2006
there is nothing that puts pep in a girl's step like the promise of a new piece of ass, especially when her life feels like meaningless, obsolete trash. that spurt of amnesia is a welcomed reprieve.
yeah, I know, I'm being negateeva. whatever.
he's a most fuckable distraction. he'll ever bend me. I'm just not in that bending place these days, but it sure is a lovely thought.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:40 PM
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
for no other reason than he just popped into my head.
when I was 19 and attending college in san francisco, we were friends. almost fucked. but, didn't have a condom and I just didn't feel confident with the baggie wrapped around his pleasure plunger
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:34 PM
new word: jewfu... jewish funeral. sounds good, right?
my day sucked big unmanageable fat ass today. between my big fat cravings for french fries, peach pie, pizza and strawberry shortcake, and my wannabe thin brain force feeding fehatty cabbage salad with slivered, toasted almonds tossed in a light champagne vinaigrette it was a fatotamous (dichotomous) fuckin day.
I drove through the mcdonalds drive through twice today just to smell the fat. It was creepy. Especially when the toothless wonder asked me what I was having and I said, “a sniff.” she got all bitchy with me. whatever, ho bag. like you really give a shit about the company.
I went into a new thrift store today. cute chachkaramas and furney circa 1960s. one stupid glimpse at a lampshade and the owner was all aglow, like I was going to offer up my fat beige ass for a matching pair of floor to ceilings.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:10 PM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I weighed my bitches tonight. 10 pounds each. no wonder my back hurts.
neil at citizen of the month wants to know how I weighed the twins. it was all very bette midler... I threw the scale onto the counter, then I hurled the hooters out of my bra and onto the scale. it was pretty god damned traumatizing if the truth be told.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:52 PM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:58 PM
Monday, August 14, 2006
so, I got tagged by crionaberry... you know, my dear friend, verbs. this is my first tag, too. should I feel violated? I hope this makes me cum.
10 years ago...
1. I could wipe my ass without pulling a muscle
2. I didn't pee a little when I laughed too hard
3. I was much more fuckable
4. I was hotter
5. I was thinner
6. I was fucking many men
7. I was more interesting
8. I was terminating my starter marriage
9. I still had low hanging two ton torpedo tits, but with much more interesting nipple structure
10. I wasn't a bitter, vile cunt
5 years ago...
1. I was in nyc
2. I was happier
3. I had hope
4. I had faith
5. I was fucking more puerto ricans :)
6. I was fucking more italians :)
7. I fucked someone in confession... that was hot
8. I was funny-er
9. I was cute
10. I was living between bitter cunt lane and muster some hope, bitch, way
one year ago...
my life started falling apart at the seams
5 songs I know all the words to...
1. delta dawn. hi! jew. it's like the talmud
2. the way we were... I digress
3. you don't bring me flowers anymore... heeblette that I am
4. both sides now, joni mitchell - LOVE HA
5. keep it loose, keep it tight - amos amazing lee
5 snacks I love and wish I could eat
1. white trash cheetos
2. white trash fritos
3. ginormous blocks of sharp cheddar cheese
4. ice cream
5. snack cakes
5 places I'd run away to...
1. home to nyc
2. upstate new york
5 things I'd never wear...
1. a double belt
2. copenhagen hair clips
4. leather pants
5. someone else's underwear
5 favorite tv shows... I have so many, vintage and new.
1. mary tyler moore
3. sex and the city
4. love american style
5. all in the family
5 greatest joys...
1. listening to the song pavane, it makes me feel like I'm where I want to be when I'm not
2. watching my dog louie run and playing catch with him
3. the wind in my face
4. the smell of rain
5. my family and friends
5 favorite toys....
1. my vibrator
2. my percolator
3. my laptop
4. my air conditioner
5. my crackberry
5 people I'm tagging...
1. write procrastinator
2. drunken stepfather
3. mr. crowley and mrs crowley
4. lisa welchel
5. pat robertson
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:12 PM
well I'll be dipped in shit. if this ain't a match made in de-vorce heaven, I don't know what is. let's celebrate jr's foray into living out his father's darkside squared. triplets. wow. like he hasn't fucked all three. come on! you're not going to comparison shop the pussies?! the hell you won't, and don't! she must suck a mean little cock.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:51 PM
Sunday, August 06, 2006
madonna's good deeds and not so good deeds
While the orphanage has no religious affiliation, the center will offer programs based on Spirituality for Kids, Kabbalah's children's program.
why can't these famous religious zealots, regardless of zealot affiliation just help the poor without some religious contingency clause?! why?!
it is so insulting and rude to not accept the spiritual and religious history and rich cultural traditions of other nations, tribes and cultures.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:50 PM
kyle xy, the new abc family series
seen it? see it. kyle is a faggelah, packaged solely for bear daddy's and chicken lovers. that boy doesn't have a straight bone in his trying-to-be-17, really-21-year-old body. so, where are the christians? they can call square pants a big gay agenda pushing sponge, but kyle is a straight kid promoting good family values?! he's a computer without a belly button, screaming for a cock up his ass.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:47 PM