Monday, November 24, 2008

Adventures in Fucktardaree

Continuing the Am I the fucktard or are they, series, I'd like to tell you about a banking experience from hell today.

The bank in question hasn't peeled yet from peer pressure, and so I opened an account with them. Not with any degree of confidence, more out of necessity.

Hours into our courtship, they attached someone else's $10,000 platinum credit card debt to my account -- accidentally -- or so they'd like me to think. It all felt so shamefully My Big Redneck Wedding. I called customer service and said, "Hey, I don't have a credit card with youse, much less credit card debt, so can you please remove this from my account."

The response from the I-hate-my-fucking-job-because-I'm-underpaid-and-have-zero-benefits employee was "Hmm. Your name is Katie Schwartz, right?" "Yes, it is," I said. "Hmmm... I guess there's another Katie Schwartz, or are you just trying to get out of paying your credit card debt?" Har, har, har, he laughed. Yeah- hardee-fuckin-har-har-har, in this economy.

He wasn't able to help me and told me to go the branch. Off I went to the branch... aaaaagain. I sat across from a banker and explained the credit cardbacle I now found myself in and she said, "Oh well, I wish I could help you, but I can't. You need to call customer service." "I did that already and they told me to come to the branch." "They were incorrect. I can't help you. Sorry." "Indeed," I said, "Close my account immediately and give me back my money."

This evening, I got an email from the bank I broke up with that read:

Dear Katie Schwartz,

Regarding your Checking account, we are happy to assist you. Shut up. Really?

You are a valued customer of (Go fuck yourself bank, dumb ass), we appreciate your taking a few moments to thank us. Thank you? I would've remembered sending a thank you e-stalk after cursing you out this afternoon.

It is our pleasure to learn that we were able to assist you with your banking needs. Well I'll be dipped in shit. You assisted me with my banking needs? Is that why we broke up? We are committed to providing you with the best quality service possible. In my next life, right?

We thank you for your business. Newsflash, putz, we got divorced.


Nervy little nervetards, the whole lot of em', I tell ya.


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