Katie Schwartz

A few weeks ago, I joined two incredible women, Joy Hurwitz and Belle Zwerdling , to form Three Dames With A Clue , a women's collective that produces live, filmed, interactive theatre coined My Authentic Expression. Each month, a new topic is tabled and guided by 3-4 panelists, paired with an online series of interviews featuring some of the web's most prolific women writers and artists. Some you might even know, FranIAm and KarenZipdrive . As you can see, we've got some really kick ass dames coming out for this. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, we'll be posting new interviews. Our first show is slated for May 11th in Los Angeles. Location TBA. I will keep youse posted. If you're in LA, please e-stalk me for reservations. Tickets are FREE. Parking is 5 bucks. Free appetizers. Cocktails and beverages are totally doable. Nothing crazy price wise. After all, we are in a recession.

Is it ironic that the picture of modern feminism from 1900-1940 has a homemaker ee background, or is it just me? Thoughts? Did you know that if you accidentally plug in blogPsot, you land on a bible page? Try it, any blogspot blog and misspell spot . All readers from Texas, I'm thinking abouchyas. Hang in, tootsies. Be safe and be careful. Some keywords I came up on this week are so fucking funny. kind of vagina : How does one have a kind of vagina? By missing a lip? Specifically what constitutes a kind of V? Aren't you curious? I am. And why my blog comes up on this searchy search. lisa whelchel nude : Is this a peen rising image for men and a vulva lip twitching event for women? Spill. love making words : Yeah, okay. I'm that dame you never want to say "I want to make love to you" to. Just an FYI. Not that their lining up to shtup Schwartz at the minee. Let's talk about love making words, what are they? They aren't "Fuck me" "Bend me"...

Once again it's time for keywords Katie Schwartz's blog is coming up on. God forbid my blog come up on my name Katie Schwartz , God forbid. Vintage Pussy - Again with the geriatric porn, oy. Big Vagina's - If we're talking about Coco's cavernous taco, sure. Otherwise, not so much. Palin - what? A fundamentalist incapable of running our country? Still believes abstinence education is the way to go? Won't talk to the media because she has nothing to speak about regarding policy? Palin is a cunterella? What? What? What? All The Way From Oy To Vey - Awww. That is the name of my blog. Banned from Craigslist - One of my posts years and years ago. Dirty Ass - Not my tuchas. I wipe thoroughly and shower daily. McCunt Pussy Eating Contest - McCunt ESSAY contest . Oy yoy yoy. Christian Domestic Discipline - One post three years ago. For the love... Craigslist Personal Asset Beauty - Huh?! Bristol is the Mother of Trig - I do believe that so hard . My Tits Weigh ...

Jumping off the poli wagon for a mo... Here's a good yarn for yas. The good folks at Heeb Magazine , a most excellent Jewey read, one of my favorites, placed me in their Battle of the Schwartzes for the summer 08' issue. Fab, right? I thought so, too. I highly recommend it, by the by. She, me, dished aplenty about my forthcoming book, Emotionally Pantsed, and my thoughts on being a Schwartz, etc. Ah, but there's a catch, if you look at the picture below, you'll see that it is me. However, look at the name? Not only did I get a new first name, I got a fabulous back-story-makeover. Didjyas know I was a Jeweler? A famous one at that. When you pick up this issue and read about Lorraine , I'm sure you'll agree that she sounds like a very cool and wildly talented dame, to be sure. If the opportunity to get a back-story makeover presents itself, is it so terrible to be someone who sounds this cool?! No siree bob. The winter issue of Heeb Magazine is due out in January/...

Thanks to my good friend Bubbsie's mad skills and my less than desirable paint skills, we now have an official banner for the McCunt essay contest . Snag it, scoop it, syndicate it. Remember loverdeedo's, spin those yarns, or work your audio, or video mojo (love that word, it's so Camaro) and submit to katiegirl@gmail.com . I've gotten oodles of dandy submissions and have a few delicious spots left for October. Get ta'steppin, yo! After tonight's Obamalicious speech, I'm super motivated to elect this man into office. He was so presidential, wasn't he?!

So, yeah. okay. dish. Today, a friend of mine was driving along the highway minding her own business when some cuntola tried to sidle into her lane without signaling. She was going 55, and had to act quickly, you know how you do. She honked. Not long, not loud, short and quick. The lane stealing snatch called her fehatty. Fehatty! She's not fat. Chuvvy, yes. STILL. That's not really the point. Here is the point in my humble opinion when I've been called fehatty. It makes me feel soooo bad. As if fehatty-name-calling-snatchcookie called me the following one-liners: Stupid-fat-and-poor. Dirty-fuck-baby. And. Slovenly-bad-ass-wiper. It's okay to say fat. Chuvvy. Not a skinny minny. A chub on the low (meaning losing weight). Semi-Spheereena. Those I could live with. But, fehatty?! Ah, God, it's the worst. Cuntest updates from the Cuntessa (I cackle-snorted when I wrote that. Shame). I got the most di-viiiine PSA from the diva at PulpFriction . Her blog is so politicall...

Regarding the "Wanna Fuck McCunt" C ontest . First, you have got to read the comments here on my blog, and here on FranIAm's Bloggy, you will howl your asses off. Oh, and WAIT, the goddess Jintrinsique who will be baking the contest winners Bojamacakes wrote a delicious post about the contest here . I am so proud of how many cunterific create-a-cuntariations have been posted. I feel so empowered and elated, so proud to be a dame. Yes, it's true, I'm kvellarella. Moving the story along... I've updated the rules because you're all so insanely creative and hilarious. 1) The CUNTEST officially starts on Monday, September 1st and continues through October 27th. Deadline for submissions is October 26th. My dad's birthday, a very lucky day! 2) If you're not ready to come out of the cuntloset, no worries, come up with a fabulous word that you feel great about and use it, can we say 3 times? Please?! 3) Instead of an essay, if you prefer to send a cart...

Okay beautiful babies, All the Way from Oy to Vey is endorsing and promoting the hell out of Obama and Biden. No shit, right? Like you don't know I'm a lefty lucy?! As if you're new to my blog?! What am I, fucktarded underestimating my divine readers?! Forgive Jewgirl for her shortcomings, please. Grazarella. So. News?! I am running a contest on my blog for September and October. Each month's winner will receive a dozen Bojamacakes (cupcakes), courtesy of the divine baking Goddess Jintrinsique , shipped to wherever the winner likes in the U.S. Now that you're drooling. I am, too, by the by. Jintrinsique is sooooo talented in the baked goods department and quite a lovely dame, too. Packaged in exceptional design and presentation, each pastry will make your taste buds climax on the spot. PS: make sure you have wipes and a few paper towels when noshing. Here's the dish to enter the "Wanna Fuck McCunt" Contest 1) Each week, a guest blogger will post an e...

I randomly check the top keywords (who doesn't, right?) I come up on every month and sometimes post them. I give you the top keywords Katie Schwartz's blog is coming up on for Jewlie and Auggie: Coco Fishnet : I admit it, I went through a big Coco writing phase, so much so that at one point BestStuff created a landing page with my name and Coco's image. Fab. Domestic Discipline: Is that really something this feminist would cover? Pussy Eating Contest: In my defense, that was a Blair Warner post from two years ago. Remember my Blair's Journal phase? Oy vey. Doreen Orion Queen of the Road July : Such an honah. Vintage Pussy: Is that like geriatric porn? Coco's Fishnet Dress: I digress Danny Bonaduce Dick: I had to dish that, but only once, and it was because he showed his mini-orange-peen, which was, hi, super creepy. Plus, it killed my love affair with mac & cheese". A win-win for sure. Is John Mayer Jewish?: I don't remember asking that question or...

Ahhhkay, here's the deal. I'm striving for change, so, you know, I'm changing everything in my life, as many things as possible, from the minutia to the extreme to achieve a greater good within myself. No, I'm not becoming creeparella-hemptress. Breathe. Come on now, it's me! In the midst of all of this self imposed change, there's this one thing that I can't seem to part with: my altoids tin. I've used this tin as my wallet for years (Frannygirl's seen it and I think Bubbsie, too), I'm talking 10 years we've been together. There is a lot of personal significance and meaning for me with this fuckin' tin (the shame... I know). The a-tin represented a time in my life when I felt the most free, when things in my life were so close to exactly the way I wanted them to be. There was accelerated movement in all areas of my life. I find myself wondering many things at the mineee... Am I afraid if I let it go, I'm giving up the concept that po...

Golly gee willackers, my day started with a glorious stretch and some yoga at home, followed by teeth brushing, flossing, some face washing and ear cleaning (I'm an OCDer to the core with floss and a few Q-tips). I was ready to embrace the day and opened my laptop. A few hours later, I made myself a generous helping of oatmeal served with a side of... Ohhhkkkay, surrealeena ?! While noshing on my meal-of-oats , helicopters circled several buildings bellowing from megaphones Come out with your hands up. I repeat, come out with your hands up and drop your weapon . So, what did my schmucky neighbors do? Run out of their houses and scurry down the street. Great way to get whacked. News?! I have a friend who is temporarily vegan and gluten free at the minee, too. We commiserate about how torturous it is for us , often. There are so few foods we enjoy. I understand a lot of people love being vegan and gluten free, I think that's fabulous. I'm over the moon for them. I'm j...

On Friday, I started to feel sore-throaty and sinus burney. Know what I mean? Anywhoodle, by Saturday morning, my throat felt scrubbed with sandpaper by 50 midgets. My sinuses were in the epicenter of an erupting volcano . The hacking was akin to a crack addict who smokes Pall Mall non-filters in between fixes. That said.... Sunday, the games continued, menses began. All I needed was a yeast infection, and as a friend noted this morning, I would've had a trifecta. Though I rarely take penicillin for fear of developing an immunity to it, I caved and called my doctor for a Zpack and a cough suppressant. I am on the mend, fab . Downside, the cough suppressant had an opiate (who knew?!). I am opiate intolerant unless I take it with an anti-nausea back. What a weekend. By tomorrow I should feel like a brand spankin' new Jew. It's time for Katie to make herself horizontal again. More dish latah.

I've made the commitment. I broke up with my old template in favor of this diva. I needed something brighter. It's been a hell of a week... to be discussed latah. This was the perfect distraction. If I stupidly left anybody's link off the list or linked incorrectly, please e-stalk me and let me know so I can correct it. Grazarella. I'm off like a prom dress for no particular reason. Okay, that's not true. I have so much to do and a gazillion emails to return. Who doesn't, right? Oy, are we busy, we millennium goils and guys. I'm listening to Georgia on my Mind and it always, always, always reminds me of my darling coffey .

1) Thursday night, The Fixx Coffee Bar Jami Attenberg and Katie Schwartz (not the other KS's online, this Katie Schwartz will be reading. I'm reading an essay from my book. You must come! I want to see all of your fabulous faces. 2) I went to a corsitorium today for bras to hoist the hooters. Back in New York, they used to have proper corsitoriums for dames with generous racks. Older dames who chose your bras for you. This non-diva was a riot. She was in her 80s, a handsome woman, reminiscent of the days in New York when pickles were purchased in barrels, a very lower east side kinda dame. After throwing me in a room, she told me to take my top off so she could stare at the twins. Five minutes later, in a thick Russian accent, she said, "I be back. You wait." Upon her return with three highly unattractive brazatskies (bras), she placed the bra over each arm, pushed me over, hoisted my girls into the bra, locked that bitch up, straightened me up and proceeded to feel...

The Pilcrow Lit Fest " Five With " Katie has been posted. Check it out, yo. I just popped my literary festival interview cherry. In other Pilish dish, Pilcrow is on Twitter , twitterfriend them hard for the latest updates and such. Pilcrow is also accepting donations, so fabulous. We can put our love of all things literary where our mouths are and chalk up a few buckaroos. I know I'm way behind on my meemish detail. Let's not judge, tomorrow I'll start posting like nobody's bizola.

Major dish beautiful babies. Amy Guth is launching Chicago's first Literary Festival and it's called... Drum roll, please... Pilcrow . Is that tits or what? Oh, yeah it is! If you're in Chicago from May 22nd-May 25th, come on ovah. Check out Amy's post about the festival and how it came to be: IF THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO TRY . Visit the Pilcrow website , to stay abreast of attendees, sponsors and events. Subscribe to Pilcrow's RSS feeds , too. Speaking of sponsors... Which one a'youse has chach and such, to donate? Come on, spill it. Guess what?! Ready? I'm on the attendee list. I'm fuckin' plotzing. My first scheduled reading is at Guthy's The Fixx Reading Series on May 22nd with diva Jami Attenberg . We love'ha work. She's got moxie. All of this fabulousness is hosted by the delish dame Amy . You must come! This event is going to be flawless squared. You know it and I know it.

So.So.So. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guess what?! I'M A FORTHCOMING TITLE. I've never been a forthcoming title. It's fuckin' tits, ahhhhkay. My essay collection is being published in the spring of 08' by So New Media , Amy Guth's publisher. It gets bettah, BFF Amy Guth is EDITING MY BOOK. I know! Are you plotzing and kvelling?! ME TOO. I'm beside myself. Don't ask. It's positively the most wonderful thing in the world. I am so excited. This Jewbroad is the luckiest dame on the planet. Guthy, thank you for bringing my collection to ya publisher and fah being the menschiest of menschy dames and oy where do I begin?! Crionaberry , we discussed... you know, my sweet. Thank you to the most supportive and divine writerly writer friends and fellow bloggers. Ah, you just don't know. When times are shitty, ya's are there. When they're great, you're there, too. You're the best community I have ever known. If I could stuff ya's inside my womb an...