Katie Schwartz

Yesterday morning I got my period. I followed protocol: pills. Pad. Rock back and forth. At 4AM I woke up to what must be at least 6 postal workers with machine guns spraying a half dozen postal offices. But, in my vagina. The wounded are pouring out and dragging my womb with them. If they don't stop shooting soon, I'm going to call FEMA and the National Guard. Oh, wait, they wouldn't show up.... The Coast Guard? This is a liquid issue.

This afternoon I started my menses. Last night, I was in crampsnatchville. Today, the cramps are very heating pad friendly and the flow is steady as she womb rolls . No clotting. No tempests. Just standard menstrual happenings in flangette town. Tonight I am prepared for a war zone and believe you me, I will win the war. According to Spinner.com , LL Cool J's pre-concert peenyquirements are "(1) small bottle of Johnson & Johnson Baby Oil and 24 long stem de-thorned roses". Let me tell you why I love him so hard for this, he's creating a romantic masturbatory experience and sharing it with the world. The visuals are fabulous. I imagine he dims the lights. Stands in front of the mirror and slowly takes off his shirt, smirking at his reflection and gushing at the image of himself. He watches himself jerk off and cum into each rosebud. It's just a hunch, ahhhkay. According to rumor, his cock is otherworldly huge, like vadgey run for your life huge. Speaking of coc...

I think Niagara is missing its Fall. Let's not have a * panic - picnic . I found it at 3AM between my thighs. Too bad it's not a holiday weekend, Taco Grand Rapids could make some serious bank on tourism. It appears that a few stragglers have made it through without paying admission--fuckers. My mothah fuckin' cock suckin cramps have escalated beyond savage. Each womb gripping runner is laughing riotously at my heating pad and pain pills. I've been tossing and turning like a fish outta water all night. I'm overtired and in pain. Argh... I am grateful. I'm menstruating and everything is working. Thank God! *thank you, izzy

I started my menses yesterday. It came on strong, fast and hard. My womb is an outpouring of emotion. Oy, I'm just one hot mess, eh?! I am so happy to be menstruating. Everything is working and in order and right on time.

**Images: current views** Mitigating circumstances have exacerbated the death of my son. Not to diminish the weight of his death or the impact it has had on my life. Regardless, I would be the mess I am today and in the Jewiest of mourning. Oh, how I pine. Big pineage. That said. Dr. P said, Katie, you have to start to build anew. Anew? What an odd and antiquated choice of words for " In a new and different way, form, or manner ." Fuck him. Though, he's right. I just don't want to agree with him. I wish I could chose not to. I can't. Channel your anger, your grief and your emptiness productively , my mother says. She's right, too. I write. I knit. I scream. I yell. I cry. I sweat. I walk. I stretch. Bupkas. Now, I am trying to blog. This week, I want to catch up on my favorite blogs and comment. (Bored yet? Disgusted with me yet? Me too.) Today, I decided to menstruate. Yes, Mountjoy , I am menstruating. My menses commenced late this morning. It felt like ...

In this very moment, I can hear one of my neighbors complaining to someone on the phone about how hot he is and how bad his day was. all I want to do is say, when your cunt bleeds at 90 mph and you have hostage vice gripping cramps, you can complain. until then SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WHINY, WRETCHED, VILE, BLOOD & CRAMP FREE COCK SUCKIN BASTARD. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! ahhhhhhh... I feel better now that I got that out. I am hemorrhaging like hunted fresh kill. my poor beav and ovaries. they're on fire. I think the lack of sleep is making me a bit irrational. I wonder.. does lack of sleep affect cramps? my sister is having a horribly painful menses this month, too. we got our periods hours apart this month and every time we're together, our hormones mingle to accelerate the flow and increase the pain. that's never happened to us before. usually our hormones are super good to each other. NO. I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES MY MENSES RIGHT NOW...

the gates have opened and my flange is flowing with fire engine red blood. it's a crampy, gushy gaza strip between my sweet thighs. it's a shame they don't make bush pads. though, I'd never shove a bushpon up my snatch, I'd happily bleed all over his smug, disgusting ass. and I love menstruating! love it.

menstrual watch 2007 is tapering. I didn't have to purchase heritage library sized menstrual wear for my vagina this month, so I'm real pleased about that. did you know tampons are satan's little cotton fingers ? I think I got that link from guthy , wp or doc . I can't remember. forgive jewgirl. I'm not a born again, which means I'm allowed to shove any god damned thing up my flange I damn well please. do we know if christians masturbate? what's the scoop on vibrators? are they the devil's work? years ago, I wrote a joke about housing villages and cities in my womb. I have to find it and post it. did you read about the kid born in new zealand . yeah. his parents wanted to name him 4real. the judge said no. no. no. that the name was unfair to the child. no shit. this really is a bubs post. I feel guilty posting bubsy oriented posts, though guilt is my cardio. that's all I got right now. I have to get back to writing. I'm completely stuck on thi...

I'm taking a peenyatus (penis hiatus). why isn't penis spelled, peenis ? cock hunting will resume in the fall. I'm actually quite glad I'm taking a dick break. cbb (can't be bothered) with dishing, jhsushing, hymen sparring -- none of it. by the time I'm ready to throw myself back on the market, my cuntarella will be one ravenous whore. I can live with that. menses watch 2007 continues. the hurricane is so epic, I'm ready to send in the encyclopedia of maxi-pads. let's hope it doesn't come to that. wiki says that each cycle only produces 80 ml of blood (1/2 cup). right. more like 180 ml (1 cup). show me a dame who produces a half cup per cycle and I'll show you the menstrual reduction pill she's gobbling. whatchya's doin this weekend? juice and I are schlepping to the park. I'm writing. cleaning. hitting a few gayroohj sales and probably ebaying myself into a frenzy. speaking of egay (it is a queens paradise, donchya know), the cunt...

we're 3-days into the war zone betwixt my thighs and my ovum is giving me one hell of a ride this month. cramps. clots. and a tsunami flow. this menses just might make it into the menstrual hall of fame. a girl can dream. today it hit me that change really is brewing in my direction. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. I had a very busy day. I mean really busy. do ya's ever listen to vintage tupac? have you heard the songs dear mama or keep your head up ? beautiful. dear mama keep your head up

at approximately 5 am, the lips parted for the womb to percolate one unfertilized egg. I will admit that I love my menses. it reminds me that everything is in working order. mind you, I could do without the crampers. rye rye , self help , any thoughts on my cycle this month?

menses commenced at 10:15 this morning. I'm expecting a full blown war zone betwixt my femine thighs and meaty jew lips. cramps, epic. the egg, pissed off about lack of fertilization and taking a no hostages approach to menstruation this month. little bitch. here's a newsflash, ovum, I call the shots, not you. you want to be pissed off at someone, you should've thought of that long before choosing me as your host in this lifetime.

my god, I am SERIOUSLY MENSTRUATING . I'm talkin' no joke bleeding, yo. it is a war zone betwixt heeblette's thighs. I sent in an army of pads and plugs. drugs for crampage and still no reprieve. oy vey.

I am menstruating. I do so love getting my menses. the cramps I could do without, but that's what pain meds and heating pads are for.