Sunday, December 02, 2007

Housewife Tarot

From the 50s... I think I'm in love. I'm overcompensating for my shitty blogger of the year award by over-posting. Shameful, isn't it? I know. I know. I know.

So Weird

For the first time in over 5-years, I kid you not, I'm, well, cold. Can you stand it? It's such a shock. I am never cold. If my nipples weren't on the floor and it wasn't 30 below, I couldn't even feel a chill. My body temperature used to run suuuuuper hot. I think it's becoming normal. Weird. Exciting. Still. I ain't turnin' my fans off. The sound is so soothing to me. I can't use heat (FYI). Whenever the heat is on, I can't breathe. I have an allergic reaction to it. I can use a heating pad. Strange, no? Ooh, heating pad. It's not just for periods.

David O'Hara

I know that we all feel great disdain for the anti-Semite, sugar tits inventor, smell shitson. This, we all agree on. That said, let's not forget the stud that is David' O'Hara from Braveheart. This man in that movie with his full beard sent my vulva lips deranged. You wouldn't want him to take up residence between your legs? Are you retarded?! Come on... You know you want him, too.

And The Shittiest Blogger of the Year Award Goes to....

I have been a real fuckball blogger this week. I suck fat mannequin ass. It's been a hell of a week. Did you know Evil Knieval died? He peeled at 69. I wasn't a fan or anything. But, he was Evil Knieval. That name alone warrants some type of honorable mention, right?

I'm on a Christian tear again. I've noticed that many of the Christian blogs I fly threw, prioritize God before their families. I don't know about you, but if my ma said she loved God more than me, it would be a real self-esteem buzz kill. Let's break it down. If I was the husband, I wouldn't feel half as sexy. J-man had abs of steel, a kitsch thorn hat and strutted around in a loin cloth. How do you compete with that?! He oozed power and presence.

If I was the child of a born again, I'd feel like I could never live up to Jesus' standards. I can't turn water into wine. I can't walk on water. I can't bring things back from the dead or resurrect more than my own erection (if were a boy). If I was a girl, well, there is no competition, is there?


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