Thursday, October 23, 2008

I was Humiliated!

Today, I was humilareena and her friends, Shame, Oh The Shame, and You Shameful Snatch.

Seriously. What happened today is so embarrassing I wasn't going to blog it until my sister said, "How can this shamevent be off limits when you so freely blog about menses."

The girl has a point.

I scheduled an appt with the cable man today because I needed him to switch out my boxes (that is not an innuendo, schmucks). My DVR was tiling and squeezing up when I'd change the channels. It also incessantly froze and garbled. Being a lazy bitch who doesn't really give a shit, I wasn't bothered.... for six-months.

At 10 AM, cabletard enters the premises on time (shock of shocks). He's pleasant enough and clean-cut. Having had cable / Internet issues to the degree that I have had with AT&T, I wanted him to stay and make sure that my Internet connection didn't go down and that I knew how to work the new DVR box. Being a busy boy, he got a little snippy. I needed to shut snipparena down, so I handed him 20 bucks and said please just make sure everything works, okay?

He took the 20 and coyly said, "Um, I don't want to... ya know... like, um, well" He was blushing, blushing, blushing. And then I realized what he thought the 20 was for.

I guffawed and said, "WAIT A FUCKIN' MINUTE, YOU THINK I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME? YOU THINK I'D PAY 20 BUCKS FOR YOU TO FUCK ME?!"

He heartily laughed it off and said, "Well, yeah."

YEAH?!

Are you fucking mother fucking cock sucking kidding me?!

As my friend Izzy said, "For 20 bucks, the most I'd ask you to do is strip down to your tool belt and dance for me." If, if, if that, ever.

I was so angry, I wanted to grab a baseball bat. Instead, I said, "I DO NOT PAY FOR SEX. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW WITH YOU OR ANYONE ELSE. LOOK AT ME? WHAT DID YOU THINK? I WAS SOME DESPERATE FAT CHICK LOOKING FOR SOME CABLE-COCK?! GOD DAMMIT. FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU, YOU CABLE PULLING, BASEMENT DWELLING, INTERNET SCREWER UPPER."

At this point, he scurried into the corner like a banished five-year-old for spilling milk. I was even more infuriated with him for being such a fucking pussy, so I screamed, "Just do your fucking job and make sure everything works and then leave."

My Internet did go down three times and 30-minutes later everything was up and running. Now, mutually humiliated, he grabbed his things and scurried out the door. But, before he did, I gave him another guilt-$20 (in this economy, Schwartz? Guilt is a powerful weapon of mass distraction, so yeah.).

Say it with me, oh, the shame, humilareena....

FROM A SCHWARTZ


HA. I love it. A Schwartz sent it to me. I can't say which one cause, ya know, the Schwartz who sent it wants to remain anony. Out of respect for that Schwartz, I'll shut my pie-hole.
HOW FUCKING FUNNY AND FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABULOUS is this picture?!?!?! Ah, I love it.
Thanks for sending, Schwartzy.
ME

 

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