Wednesday, October 31, 2007
I ooed. I ahhed. Lovely. Until I saw this... 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Holy Shit...another fuckin' FAT ASS ACLU LOVING LIBERAL LOSER I WAS REJECTED BY EVERY IVEY LEAGUE KYKE BITCH writing her self-important JEW blog on the internet. What a fuckin' shock... Go blow a nigger and watch holocaust films WISHING you were a tall THIN Anglo-Saxon...
Oh, one last thing, Pagan, the next time you're sucking a juicy black cock and loving it, I would suggest watching a nice Jewey porn, something vintage Annie Sprinkle. Tell ya what, I'll do the same thing and we can compare notes. Let's check in with each other next week. Sound like a plan? Cool.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
I think Niagara is missing its Fall. Let's not have a *panic-picnic. I found it at 3AM between my thighs. Too bad it's not a holiday weekend, Taco Grand Rapids could make some serious bank on tourism.
It appears that a few stragglers have made it through without paying admission--fuckers. My mothah fuckin' cock suckin cramps have escalated beyond savage. Each womb gripping runner is laughing riotously at my heating pad and pain pills. I've been tossing and turning like a fish outta water all night. I'm overtired and in pain. Argh...
I am grateful. I'm menstruating and everything is working. Thank God!
*thank you, izzy
Thursday, October 18, 2007
- It's not torture. It's a routine I used to have every morning. I love the ritualistic aspect of it. By going through the motion, I can actually feel the texture of the hot buttery toast melting in my mouth and it gives me pleasure.
- I don't watch it consecutively for 30-minutes. I glance at it in passing while I'm getting ready or while I'm checking email or drinking coffee, or shmoozing on the phone. Knowing it's there brings me comfort.
- I've had too much change in the past 8 months. I need some semblance of continuity and for some bizarre reason, I find it in toast.
- I feel guilty because there are so many starving people in the world and to invest money and time into something that you aren't going to use is frivolous and inconsiderate. I know. It's just toast. Still. The guilt.
- It keeps me legal, I stick to my diet.
For all of those reasons, I make toast every morning.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
My apartment manager and I are in the middle of a shit war. Without disclosing the contents of an essay about our shitistory (fear not, you'll be able to read it soon! As if, Schwartzy. Anywho), our shituation has escalated. After taking my toilet's hand in marriage without my consent, he came back to the scene of the crime to (wink-wink) check on who-the-fuck-remembers, so he could chat up a storm and shit himself into a frenzy.
Ever since I denied him that porcelain privilege, I've noticed a faint, yet noticeable stench of anal wretchedness that no ass should legally be able to produce, just outside my bathroom window a few times a week. What should be a grassy area between my building and the building next door is a gassy area thanks to shitfucker.
While sitting in my kitchen this afternoon, I caught him quietly skulking past me and towards my bathroom window. I ripped open the blinds and said, WHATRYA DOIN?! He was so stunned, he said, Oh, oh, oh, nada, nada-nada-pipes-pipes-pipes. How stupid does this yutz think I am?! I said, Listen you, I am onto you and your funky ass. If I jump through this window, will I unearth your private dumping ground? Because if I do, you have no idea what deep shit looks or feels like. I'm about to crack your ass wide open, buster. MOVE IT ALONG.
He sprinted from the scene of the crime. I don't know for certain if he was shitting back at me because I came between him and his lover. I don't want to find out. Alls I can tell ya's is if I smell that funk again, it's on, my friends. It is ON.
It's my own little version of Like Water for Chocolate ... without the sex--Thank God.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Walking into the store today was like going to a sports arena to watch The Norms vs. The Tards in their final game of the series. You can feel the animosity and competitiveness. It's so strange. The Norms are just outright mean and The Tards are fighting back, giving it to them right up their asses. It's surreal, uncomfortable and fantastic all at the same time.
I'm rooting for the short bussers. I hope the retard revolution leaves an indelible imprint in all industries. It's so long overdue. Are you with me?!
Non-sequiturish of the day: Can dogs be retarded? Seriously, can they?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Jesus spams me a lot. When you spend that much time schlepping on a cross, I suppose the idea of not schlepping something feels foreign. He's gotta hawk something, so why not mortgage. He's also sent me life and health insurance quotes. He's so busy with himself that Jesus.
You Could Start Your New Year with a Lower Mortgage Payment! Refinance Today! Spend 2007 with more money every month:
- More money for credit payments
- More money for car payments
- More money for school payments
- More money for life payments! Life Payments? The subtext feels very, for the extortionist, pedophile or embezzler in you.
It's an angry day. Deal. Love. Jew.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
This morning while pouring my fresh, hot percolated coffee into my favorite mug, out popped, Good morning you stunning piece of ass you. And then I realized... it is.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Check out Diva Smack's blog. I adore this broad. She's generous, kind, smart, caring and always there when you need her, always. Welcome her back. This incredible dame has been wrongfully accused and harassed by a group of Internet censorship loving nutbags. Check out this post and this one. Run. Read. Now.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Here are my questions specifically:-
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -
- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings-
- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)? -
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?-
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?-
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The meshpucha sped right past The Thornbirds remake today. How did we do it? Baggage. God forbid one piece of luggage be thrown out JUST TO BALANCE the load a bit. Oh, no, no, no. That would be responsible and make others happy. Who cares. They're mine and I love them.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Flaunt your beautiful boobies for Boobiethon this year and/or make a donation. Ya like em'? You want keep em'? Save em'.
It's been a surreal few days. I think my family is fast becoming a poorly made, goyisha revision of The Thornbirds. I just need a gay priest to fall in love with. Know any?
I've also been fielding questions about the whereabouts of The Kid. I'm trying to handle it graciously. My responses are contingent upon my mood. It's just too overwhelming sometimes to engage in deathversations. There are two questions that bug the shit out of me. How did he die? I am guilty of asking that one, too. The second one I wouldn't dream of asking, How old was he? As if a certain age justifies the death. I know. I know. I know, everyone deals with death their own way. Sing that song and dance somewhere else, sister.
By Sunday, I was on dead dog overload, so when I was asked how The Kid was doing, I said, he's fine. The guy responded and said, I'm glad cause I really like him. My guilt has guilt. I'm gonna fly by the coffee shop sometime this week and tell him my son peeled.
I'm ovulating. Oh, that reminds me, I need to call my slumlord because strange, cummy looking water is dripping from my faucets. I have oyska bottles of Whole Foods water so I don't get knocked up or diseased. What can I tell you-- I'm so boring right now.