this is hilar! the kid from brooklyn. copy and paste into your browser:
big mike is fuckin' hilar! you have to hit his site and stream his videos. he's too much!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
this is hilar! the kid from brooklyn. copy and paste into your browser:
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:41 AM
I don't understand the whole, what would jesus do phenomenon. is it supposed to temper people from making hedonistic decisions? it seems so open to interpretation. like, if I lived my life by, what-would-jesus-do, I would assume that he would live my way.
here's an example:
I'm at the checkout line at whole foods and I have a quart of hot food from the hot food bar. the checkout girl says, "is that soup?" the soup is $6. otherwise they weigh it and it costs double.
what would jesus do?
I think if he were on a budget and was low on shekels, he'd say it was soup.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:04 AM
so I am planning my sister's bachelorette party. it's this weekend, saturday night. I got her a big black cock cake. the girl should know what she's giving up :)
I am in a snarky snatchy mood.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:00 AM
I admit it, I listen to it. I also listen to eminem and tupac.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:59 AM
that soda gives you gallstones?? I read about that. I am so glad I don't drink it. rarely, I mean, but anything in moderation is fine. good reminder, ocd.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:59 AM
ok... I think collecting dolls is creepy. It just screams, cybil-sweet-baby-Jane. doesn't it?
who collects dolls? that's like collecting figurines and hallmark chachkeys.
judgmental? of course! it's still creepy as shit.
it's still raining. I am so afraid to go to my car. I'm terrified that it will be saturated in h20.
my sister is getting married next week. I wish beyond wish that I didn't have to do it. I wish it were a few months from now. I'm not ready.
I don't understand marriage.
the truth of the matter is that it makes me feel stuck and trapped, like I can't breathe.
this blog has made me realize that I am a therapist's dream come true. I'm like super patient.
I'm allergic to meat and seafood, but I love the smell of BBQ. I've never been able to eat the stuff. I wear leather.
my dog vomited this morning. the shtunk of vomit makes me so nauseas. hellnine vomit is even more disgusting.
can't wait to see my brothers next week or my bff, Katie.
ok, clearly, I'm in BIG avoidance mode. can you tell?
I've been up since the crack of my ass and I went to bed not five minutes earlier.
Insomnia sucks ass.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:51 AM
Monday, February 27, 2006
my favorite curse words are:
one of my girlfriend's just called someone a, cum guzzling whore, which is now on my FAVORITE curse words list.
and your favorite curse words?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:09 PM
I love the rain. but I have that sunroof issue, don't I? poverty just isn't as festive as it's cracked up to be.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:11 PM
I am always intrigued by people who fervently throw away pieces of their past, recent or ancient. I'm not talking about ending pack ratting or whatever that lil phrase is called. I mean when you throw your past away as if to erase those memories, hoping they'll never catch up with you.
it never really works because you can run from yourself until your blue in the face, but unfortunately, you catch up to you because wherever you go, there you are.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:08 PM
hassid break dancing -- adorable and hilar
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:26 PM
those who live in california suffer from annoying bird chirping 24/7. I have never heard birds with such a relentless need to chirp. rain or shine, day and night, the birds chirp. they can't shut their pie holes for 5 fuckin' minutes.
who behaves like this? is it the female birds or the male birds? and what do they have to yack about all the time? don't these freaks sleep?
it's like the never ending coffee klatch.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:53 AM
Sunday, February 26, 2006
my best friend taught me how to read cock size. it's invaluable. it's not in the hands and feet. that's a myth. it's much deeper then that. and you know, he's always accurate. every cock he's read that I've seen post reading has always been exactly as he predicted.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:44 PM
you know what I just realized, unless you have an incurable disease, people don't unconditionally cheer you on. and that sucks ASS.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:52 PM
my dog is farting up a fucking storm. I mean for the love of god, have a heart, child. he's just a farting machine. oy vey a shmear.
my cravings today are out of control. I want oreos, double stuffed. and I want bagels with vegie cream cheese and I want macaroni and white trash cheese. and I want really good french toast with roasted potatoes.
instead, I'm eating a protein bar.
fuck off, you know.
what a busy day. I have so much to do.
gotta write, too.
I think my neighbor whacked his wife, and now he's engaged again. I mean what is with everyone getting married?!?!?!! I can't get married. I can't do it. It's not for me. no, no, no, no.
I'm off like a prom dress.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:59 PM
Saturday, February 25, 2006
so, this morning when I was heading out, chubbette 2 spotted me in the hallway and smiled, more liked smirked in a sinister way. I wonder what she's up to. gahhhd, I hope she's not fatal fat attraction. how suck ass would that be!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:25 PM
that's right! lisa's having just a humdinger of a time praying for herself, so she's requesting that people sign her prayer warrior list and pray for her, too. she's had it rough and she needs prayers. poor girl. oh, I just felt a crocodile tear.
(ps) she's also posted a new journal entry. shameful as ever, it's some letter from a chick named chrystal. hello, drop the h...
ok, who is ocd about lw? at least you don't see me asking you to pray for me! gahhhd.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:22 PM
This is beyond disgusting. women who are raped and victims of incest will be forced to bear children. and rapists would be entitled to the same parental rights. there is only ONE clinic in south dakota for women to currently get a safe and legal abortion. this is so incredibly horrific, get involved! stop this from happening.
you can make a donation to STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING at planned parenthood
South Dakota Legislature Votes to Ban Most Abortions
Doctors Who Perform Procedure Would Face Prison
By CHET BROKAW, AP
PIERRE, S.D. (Feb. 25) - Gov. Mike Rounds said he is inclined to sign a bill that would ban nearly all abortions in South Dakota, making it a crime for doctors to perform an abortion unless it was necessary to save the woman's life.
The ban, including in cases of rape or incest, was approved Friday by South Dakota lawmakers, setting up a deliberate frontal assault on Roe v. Wade at a time when some activists see the U.S. Supreme Court as more willing than ever to overturn the 33-year-old decision.
Planned Parenthood, which operates the only clinic in the state that provides abortions, vowed to sue. But even before the bill has a signature, money to defend it poured in. Lawmakers were told during the debate that an anonymous donor pledged $1 million to defend the ban, and the Legislature was setting up a special account to accept donations.
"We've had people stopping in our office trying to drop off checks to promote the defense of this legislation already," Rounds said.
Many opponents and supporters of abortion rights believe the U.S. Supreme Court is more likely to overturn its 1973 Roe v. Wade decision legalizing abortion now that conservatives John Roberts and Samuel Alito are on the bench. Lawmakers said growing support among South Dakotans for abortion restrictions gave the bill momentum.
"I think the stars are aligned," said House Speaker Matthew Michels, a Republican.
The legislation was decried by opponents who said it would particularly impact rape victims and poor women. Currently, a clinic in Sioux Falls is the only place where abortions are provided in South Dakota. The closest alternative is a Planned Parenthood location in Sioux City, Iowa, about 90 miles away.
"It's a sad state of affairs that we have only one choice (for abortion) right now," said Charon Asetoyer of the Native American Women's Health Care Education Resource Center in Lake Andes. "But if you have to go out of state, the cost of making that trip will be prohibitive."
If a rape victim becomes pregnant and bears a child, the rapist could have the same parental rights as the mother, said Krista Heeren-Graber, executive director of the South Dakota Network Against Family Violence and Sexual Assault.
"The idea the rapist could be in the child's life ... makes the woman very, very fearful. Sometimes they need to have choice," Heeren-Graber said.
About 800 abortions are performed in South Dakota each year. Leslee Unruh, president of the Alpha Center, a Sioux Falls pregnancy counseling agency that tries to steer women away from abortion, said most of them do not stem from rape or even failed contraception, but are simply "conveniences."
Unruh said she believes most South Dakota women want the state to ban abortion, and many who have had abortions "wish someone would have stopped them."
Under the measure, doctors could get up to five years in prison for performing an illegal abortion. The House passed the bill 50-18 on Friday, and the Senate approved it 23-12 earlier this week. If signed, it would become law July 1.
A judge is likely to suspend the abortion ban during the expected legal challenge, which means it would never take effect unless the state gets the case all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court and wins.
Rounds said his staff will review the bill for technical defects. He said he vetoed a similar measure two years ago because it would have wiped out all existing restrictions on abortion while the bill was challenged in court.
"I've indicated I'm pro-life and I do believe abortion is wrong and that we should do everything we can to save lives. If this bill accomplishes that, then I am inclined to sign the bill into law," he said.
Associated Press Writer Doris Haugen contributed to this report.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:43 PM
Friday, February 24, 2006
she has a boyfriend. what the fuck?! life is so unfair. I'm fat, you don't see me getting fucked. she's twice my size and has cock on tap. this is fair? my tits are way better.
anyway, he's ugly, but he has a hot belly, but he's hairy and not in a good way, not like, you know, in a hairy balls way, in a hairy-mud-fucker-hemp-loving way. he's so, I listen to the beatles. how annoying can you get. and he feels sooo, I only fuck her from behind, and that's boring.
they have a red bean bag. how queer.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:24 PM
sucked ass so fucking hard. worst week. gaaahhd. I'm tired. hungry. I need to brush my teeth. a shower wouldn't hurt. and I think I got my period. It's trickling slowly. hate that. I just want to scream, WOULDJYA FUCKIN BLEED ALREADY!! my sister's hocking me to get a dress. get a dress. get a dress. I am so NOT IN THE MOOD.
life is ugly today!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:22 PM
I'm so excited because the building got another chubbette! now, we're two, we're growing in numbers. and she's fatter then me! I am beside myself with joy. I felt a welcome wagon was in order, so I left a whole pie in front of her door with a warm note that read:
dear chubbette 2,
I'm cubbette 1 because I moved in first, but I wanted to welcome you. from one whole pie eater to another!
the next morning I found the pie sitting on my front door with a knife in it and a note that read:
so much for trying to be friendly! gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:19 PM
Thursday, February 23, 2006
that my blog is coming up on
practice vaccum pussy
daisy duke stuff
HOW FAR IN CAN I SHOVE MY COCK
Lightening Lip cream+Los Angeles
I'm not sure how I feel about this round... it's creepy.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:39 PM
I know you know everything about my real family history as you watched me grow-up at The Palace. I know you know I'm Princess Claire and now you know what I really do.
I hear that I'm up for "Moulin Rouge." I'm up for all these features and I haven't acted in years. You know how surreal this life has been for me.
I deal with world leaders, but I prefer to take down a regime intellectually than use a silencer. I use my mind to take down the enemy and sometimes I have to wear a mini-skirt.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:11 PM
that phone sex is listed in the websters dictionary, and actually has a definition.
"Sexually explicit talk engaged in by telephone, especially to enhance autoerotic pleasure."
autoerotic pleasure. is that hilar?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:09 AM
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
the fact that every American isn't entitled to basic health insurance is so disgusting to me, I cannot begin to tell you. if you don't have money in this country, you're fucked.
we need the democrats back in office. for all of you voting republicans... can you wake up, please!!!!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:35 PM
MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark All the sweet, green icing flowing down Someone left the cake out in the rain I don't think that I can take it 'Cause it took so long to bake it And I'll never have that recipe again Oh, no!
what a queer ass stupid fuck lyric.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:10 PM
it's so weird that john denver is dead, isn't it? I mean, I was just thinking, he and sony bono are like the undead, but dead. they so don't seem deadish to me.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:08 PM
with a straight face, you say, "these spy TV shows are based on me."
and, this is my favorite one
"I've been working undercover to save humanity and alot of foreign dignitaries since college. When certain leaders are in office I work off the books pro bono."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:02 PM
can you imagine spending over a grip on these shoes? what part of these stilts scream fuckable?
SINGAPORE (Reuters) - A teenage guitarist got so carried away while bouncing up and down on his bed mimicking a rock star that he flew out of a third floor window to his death, a Singapore newspaper reported Wednesday.
MIAMI (Reuters) - A Florida man has confessed to bludgeoning his roommate to death with a sledgehammer handle and a claw hammer after an argument that started over an empty roll of toilet paper, authorities said Tuesday.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:10 PM
I am so hungry, it's just not funny. If I had my druthers here is what I would eat:
nachos, a massive plate of nachos dripping in cheese with fresh salsa and sour cream. I would also eat El Torito tortillas with enough butter to clog every artery I own. for dinner, I would eat a bowl of pasta the size of my face and for desert; I would eat a chocolate soufflé.
fuck, I am such a foodie-whore.
of course I won't be inhaling gobs of fat today, but you must admit I manage fat beautifully, right? I love food.
oh, food, food, food how I love you.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:57 AM
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
some freakish new behaviorist had the fuckin balls to respond to my let’s-help-katie-get-over-her-choking-phobia-mail, with:
I believe that the techniques of Energy Psychology are the most effective with phobias.
yeah, that's right, MUDFUCKER. how sprout loving, hemp wearing, california, organic, chanting nutfucko do you have to be to suggest to a broad who is terrified of choking that she should undergo ENERGY PSYCHOLOGY. are you fucking kidding me?!
what does he do for an encore? regress me to a past life rape!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:46 PM
is a very funny, irrevernt magazine, and in print, too. check out their second, HILAR, online radio show, tastes like podcast
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:22 PM
so, I have this intense phobia of choking. I mean it's really bad. anyone who knows me knows that this is my greatest fear in life, to choke or watch someone choke.
my phobia was under control until my dog choked on a ball about 3 months. it was fucking terrifying as hell. I got him to the vet in time, and the vet wasn't even sure he'd be able to get this specific ball out of his throat. I was a fuckin' mess. A MESS.
since, I can't get the choking out of my head. my fears have worsened ridiculously so. I watch people eat more intently. I stay even farther away from the foods I used to fear. I don't let my dog play with a ball (only a rope). I watch him eat. when he's out of my site, I panic, especially when he's at camp because they have balls there. I have nightmares about choking again. blah-blah-blah.
it's so fucking pathetic that I am petitioning the company that makes these specific kong balls to remove them from the shelf. the reason the ball is so dangerous is because it's so difficult to remove if a dog chokes on it.
so, my mother suggested I go see a behaviorist to resolve the issue and get it under control once again.
today some behavior phd chick called me back to discuss my case, so I tell her everything.
she says to me; "were you raped or molested?"
I said, "no. my phobia of choking stems from watching my father choke on steak three times as a kid."
I know, it’s anti-climactic.
she says, "are you sure you weren't raped or molested?"
I said, "I'm pretty positive. I think I'd remember."
so she says, "well, I think you were raped."
I said, "no, I think watching my dad choke repeatedly, because god forbid he take 5 minutes to chew vs. inhale, is what did me in."
she says, “listen, for $180 an hour, I can cure you of this phobia and get to the real root cause."
I said, "yeah. well, for $180 an hour, I can cure you of being a manipulative hack and a moron. whadya say?"
she hung up on me.
raped or molested?! please, like I would hide that, me of all people! if I were a sexual abuse victim, I'd be leading the 'we were raped' parade!"
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:01 PM
this is so fucking sick. read this article. right wing, zealot freaks!
They call themselves the Patriot Guard Riders, and they are more than 5,000 strong, forming to counter anti-gay protests held by the Rev. Fred Phelps at military funerals.
Phelps believes American deaths in Iraq are divine punishment for a country that he says harbors homosexuals. His protesters carry signs thanking God for so-called IEDs -- explosives that are a major killer of soldiers in Iraq.
The bikers shield the families of dead soldiers from the protesters, and overshadow the jeers with patriotic chants and a sea of red, white and blue flags.
"The most important thing we can do is let families know that the nation cares," said Don Woodrick, the group's Kentucky captain. "When a total stranger gets on a motorcycle in the middle of winter and drives 300 miles to hold a flag that makes a powerful statement."
At least 14 states are considering laws aimed at the funeral protesters, who at a recent memorial service at Fort Campbell wrapped themselves in upside-down American flags. They danced and sang impromptu songs peppered with vulgarities that condemned homosexuals and soldiers.
The Patriot Guard was also there, waving up a ruckus of support for the families across the street. Community members came in the freezing rain to chant "U-S-A, U-S-A" alongside them.
"This is just the right thing to do. This is something America didn't do in the '70s," said Kurt Mayer, the group's national spokesman. "Whether we agree with why we're over there, these soldiers are dying to protect our freedoms."
Shirley Phelps-Roper, a daughter of Fred Phelps and an attorney for the Topeka, Kan.-based church, said neither state laws nor the Patriot Guard can silence their message that God killed the soldiers because they fought for a country that embraces homosexuals.
"The scriptures are crystal clear that when God sets out to punish a nation, it is with the sword. An IED is just a broken-up sword," Phelps-Roper said. "Since that is his weapon of choice, our forum of choice has got to be a dead soldier's funeral."
The church, Westboro Baptist Church, is not affiliated with a larger denomination and is made up mostly of Fred Phelps' extended family members.
During the 1990s, church members were known mostly for picketing the funerals of AIDS victims, and they have long been tracked as a hate group by the Montgomery, Ala.-based Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Project.
The project's deputy director, Heidi Beirich, said other groups have tried to counter Phelps' message, but none has been as organized as the Patriot Guard.
"I'm not sure anybody has gone to this length to stand in solidarity," she said. "It's nice that these veterans and their supporters are trying to do something. I can't imagine anything worse, your loved one is killed in Iraq and you've got to deal with Fred Phelps."
Kentucky, home to sprawling Fort Campbell along the Tennessee line, was among the first states to attempt to deal with Phelps legislatively. Its House and Senate have each passed bills that would limit people from protesting within 300 feet of a funeral or memorial service. The Senate version would also keep protesters from being within earshot of grieving friends and family members.
Richard Wilbur, a retired police detective, said his Indiana Patriot Guard group only comes to funerals if invited by family. He said he has no problem with protests against the war but sees no place for objectors at a family's final goodbye to a soldier.
"No one deserves this," he said.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:24 PM
with myself, first, above everything else.
I dislike someone who will remain nameless more then you can possibly imagine. this person is the archetype for stupidity. I am perpetually incensed, disgusted and overwhelmed with disdain for this individual.
here's the kicker. I have SO MUCH GUILT about my disdain for this person, you couldn't possibly imagine.
I am a wretched beast.
I'm in between hair colors, so I look like I have a fuckin' swarm of goldfish swimming around the top of my head; or like I'm trying to reenact a thorn hat scene from some semicolon biblical yarn.
Oh, I'm going back to my natural hair color versus the jet hideous black I was for so long. whatever, I'm so annoyed.
I hate when people stare at me. It makes me feel annoyingly short.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:58 PM
Monday, February 20, 2006
I have so much shit to do, it's just not funny. but I also need to run to whole foods to get something to eat because I'm STARVING.. please, I could live off of my body for months and still not starve to death.
I hate dieting.
If I could eat a vat of cheese in any shape or form right now, I would. Cheese and crackers by the millions. Pizza in 50 pound intervals. The god damned shame of me.
I'm not craving sweets. Go figure.
Just salt. Sick amounts of salt. Pots and pots of salt. but disguised in well managed fat.
I need to focus.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:24 PM
... do we think I will start getting hate mail? a week? two weeks? 48 hours?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:22 PM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:42 PM
do we know if born again's like, lisa welchel, fuck? I've tried to imagine her bending over and her gay husband giving her an unrelenting fierce pounding.
I've even gone so far as to visualize her saying:
"oh, baby, shove that big christian cock up my ass. whore fuck me mary magdeleine style. spend your love nectar all over my supple Corinthian tits."
but I just can't see it. it's killing me. do these type of born again's fuck? we know billy graham and his sicko cohorts do, and we know the trinity broadcast network christian crazies, fuck dirty and wrong on all kinds of levels... but do the welchel's of the world, too?
I admit I can see him carousing the midwest for glory holes to shove his meat bat through. but I can't see her getting off, much less having sex outside of procreating.
do we feel bad for her? we orgasm whores of the world. I don't think so.
she still freaks me out. even more since I read her website obsessively. she's my dirty little secret.
I think I'm revving to write something about these homeschooling-born-again's... but like really.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:25 PM
Under the Bush administration, organizations that promote abstinence and encourage teens to sign virginity pledges or wear purity rings have received federal grants. The Silver Ring Thing, a subsidiary of a Pennsylvania evangelical church, has received more than $1 million from the government to promote abstinence and to sell its rings in the United States and abroad.
According to the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, the federal budget in 2005 allocates $168 million to abstinence-only education. President Bush is seeking $206 million for 2006.
In a 2001 study published in the American Journal of Sociology, Peter Bearman, a professor of sociology at Columbia University, found that only 12 percent of the more than 2.5 million adolescents who had made a virginity pledge by 1995 remained abstinent until marriage. Abstinence pledges do delay sex for an average of 18 months, Bearman found, but those who break their pledges are a third less likely to use protection.
Pledgers are less likely to be prepared for an experience that they have promised to forgo, the study found.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:34 AM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:25 AM
his album will not feature his pop-star wife. "We have collaborated," he says. "But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, 'Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife.'"
yeah, cause his wife gets SO MUCH RESPECT that you really should hold out for that.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:19 AM
Sunday, February 19, 2006
ok... I think I'm concerned. my blog comes up, it seems, on the following keyword phrases:
suction cup for vulva lips
vibrator bought orgasm
Ball Sack Brewing Co.
long lip vaginal
dick sucking lips
what does this say about my blog entries?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:54 PM
I have to go dress shopping. you know what I don't understand, why you have to dress a certain way to attend certain functions. I mean, it seems to me that you should be able to wear whatever you want to any damn function you are supposed to attend. I don't get it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:31 PM
I dreamt about a pink oddly shaped vibrator last night. I am now on a quest to find said vibrator, though I don't think such a thing exists. Nor do I think my vagina is big enough to accomodate such a vehicle.
Is nor a word? I mean really, is it?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:29 PM
Friday, February 17, 2006
... how to make my links smaller?? you know, the giant white ones.
come on computer muffins, help a sistah out.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:39 PM
tonight, spike, jenkins, tar, butch and petals are doing a stake out.
at 10 pm, I'll be in santa monica with my cohorts to reclaim our goods. will keep ya's posted.
I’m so excited. it's my first stake out.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:36 PM
there is nothing more shameful then having rain pour down on you while you're driving because you can't get the sunroof closed. this is only worsened by having to plant your fat ass on a wet seat and extricating yourself only to look like you've just peed all over yourself.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:45 PM
totally turns me on when I watch a man I'm attracted to, typing on a laptop. sends me deranged. can barely keep my legs together.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:19 PM
I'm going vibrator shopping this weekend with my friend. I'm going to buy two vibrators:
one named, cindy. I am a straight girl who names 90% of her vibrators chick names. I think I'll get another one for the shower named, butch.
good thinkin, schwartzy. that's the spirit.
I'm so forlorn.
I also have severe writer's block.
not as much as I'd like to, but... a girl can dream.
oh, who the fuck am I kidding.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:06 PM
if I were any more in limbo right now with EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE, I would spontaneously combust. I should nickname myself, patience. not because I exercise the practice of. rather because I am forced into it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:04 PM
I'm so fucking frustrated, all I want to do is eat cupcakes. i won't, but it's what I want to do; sit in front of dozens and dozens and dozens of cupcakes and fervently inhale them.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:03 PM
when you're at the computer store to get your laptop keyboard replaced and the clerk says:
you might want to get a crumb cover for your keyboard seeing as you eat at your laptop so often.
after turning 50 shades of shameful crimson, I said, what makes you think I eat at my laptop?
the fucking shame of me. how nervy. I knew I was busted. Katie, you rabid whore, take it like a man.
he takes out my old keyboard and shows it to me. it was stuffed, chock-a-block, teaming with everything I've ever eaten in my entire life, and topped off with ashes from when I used to smoke.
no wonder my keyboard stopped working. It was full.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:59 AM
or is it because my grandfather felt me up when I started developing at 10?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:56 AM
my mother and I bought my sister her first vibrators for her bridal shower. isn't that inappropriate on every level? I got her an S&M rubber ducky. my mother got her the big orgasm in a box.
on that day, my father sent me pictures of ethnic cocks espousing racial slurs with a note that said, "I'm not sure if this is appropriate to send to my children."
my mother called me shortly thereafter and said, "let's go to the pleasure chest and get Kerri some racy chachkeys for the shower."
that was fun. carousing the pleasure chest and the hustler store for sex toys and penis pops.
maybe that's why I'm such a whack job.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:52 AM
it's not casino. my vet is 90% sure it's a fatty deposit. how relieved is katie?! I tend to run the gamut of emotions before a diagnosis. it's a gift.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:51 AM
when famous people end a relationship, we are delighted with their three stages:
stage 1: omg, are we sure it's over? is this just another cliché hollywood rumor?
stage 2: always feature the brave, indefatigable, and, oh what a pillar of strength that beaver is.
stage 3: note: she's moving on. she's a stoic, sassy girl. look at her go.
we should bronze her shit and keep it on a pedastal in our homes. bra-fucking-vo. what a woman!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:33 AM
Thursday, February 16, 2006
my groomer told me he had emphysema today. I feel so guilty. like. I mean, I always bring him a nosh and tip him well, but I feel like I should help him lift my dog onto the grooming table or something. Oy the guilt.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:59 PM
I am so blocked, it's not funny.
I gotta write my sister's essay for the speech portion of the wedding.
My dog has a lump on his stomach. Hi, cancer. Freaking out. Taking him to the vet in a few.
I have writing deadlines that I am shamelessly behind on.
what creative juices?
I'm ovulating. That's just not festive.
what is a blog?
I brought that homeless guy food, but didn't let him know it was from me, and left it in a bag on top of the garbage can. I'm just so irritated that he wouldn't take my money. I had to do something.
I need to vaccum. hate those negative ions though.
sneezing. sneezing. sneezing.
I am obsessed with a new homeschool blog, Lisa Welchel's blog. She's a freak squared. born again to the tenth degree. she considers pagens satan's work. she's so wrong on every level. I fear for her children. and it seems like she kinda married a big queen. but who am I to judge.
waiting. waiting. waiting.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:55 PM
... peeing at 4AM, and slidin' off your toilet seat and spilling onto the floor.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:17 AM
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Vice President Cited After Blasting Hunting Buddy With Bird Shot. The 78-year-old lawyer who was shot by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident has some birdshot lodged in his heart and he had "a minor heart attack" Tuesday morning, hospital officials said.
OMG. THE SHAME...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:12 PM
*Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.*
*Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.*
*A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.*
*Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.*
*The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.*
*If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.*
*Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.*
*HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.*
*Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.*
*A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.*
*Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.*
*The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.*
*Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.*
*You support states' rights, which means Attorney General Gonzalez can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.! *
*What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.*
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:40 AM
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:13 AM
Friday, February 10, 2006
I take my dog to this kick ass patch of grass in, too much money and too much time (beverlyhills), sometimes. this afternoon, that's where we went.
on the way out there's this gas station that I stop at to hose louie off. he loves it.
so there I am hosing louie. kid's havin' a ball. he's panting. he's drooling. he's in full canine bliss.
this car black car rolls up, so big and so money, like I never seen in my life. a man in an outfit gets out of the drivers seat and opens the passenger car door.
louie's now horizontal on the pavement and I'm pouring water in his mouth and hosing him off like a flower bed.
back to the passenger. she pours out of the car like evian water, cool and crisp. Draped in, let's-play-how-many-south-africans-died-for those diamonds. she was in her 70s and had a severe face lift. I'm sure she just finished lunching with the ladies and cross referencing bank accounts.
before strolling over she snapped her fingers and the hose went off. louie and I both stared blankly at the hose, then at her, then back to the hose.
the suit walked with her towards me.
she said, "girl, I'm sure the owners of that majestic beast would hardly appreciate seeing him in this paltry, unkempt condition."
I said, "honey. girl is the owner of this majestic beast. does he look unhappy to you?"
she looks at louie. louie looks at me, smiles and we both look at her.
"well, this is hardly appropriate."
"hosing my dog at a gas station or hosing my dog?" I was dying to hear her comeback.
"you are bringing shame to your family."
is that hilar or is that hilar.
I was so mad, I said, "listen, miss judgment. I come from a very respectable family in queens, ok, so that's an oxymoron, and if I could crack open a fire hydrant and follow in my great grandfather's footsteps, I would. so, why don't you get in your overpriced car and go back to minding your over-financed business. CAPISCE?!"
well, she laughed so hard, she nearly split a seam.
and all of a sudden this broad asks, "middle village?"
how did she know?
we became fast friends. turns out, she's a pretty cool dame.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:56 PM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
"Today I had a horrifying, frightful encounter with the paparazzi while I was with my baby. Because of a recent incident when I was trapped in my car without my baby by a throng of paparazzi, I was terrified that this time the physically aggressive paparazzi would put both me and my baby in danger. I instinctively took measures to get my baby and me out of harm's way, but the paparazzi continued to stalk us, and took photos of us which were sold to the media. I love my child and would do anything to protect him."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:46 AM
Monday, February 06, 2006
what happened??? for a minute jews were the chosen people. I think that was last year, right? now we're the fuckin anti-christ again.
I was cornered yesterday by a born again who freakin' begged me to take Jesus into my heart and be his servant.
since when is religion an S&M thing? why do I have to be the submissive in the relationship? Jesus doesn't feel very butch to me. those flowing locks and that crotchy loin cloth. the walking on water thing, which only makes fat people feel bad.
"oh, look at me, I'm Jesus. I'm thin, and I'm walkin' on water."
and then there's this whole, "he died on the cross for you."
did I ask him to schlep up there and get whacked for me? did I push a stake in the man's belly? did I tell him I had sins?
NO, I most certainly did NOT.ps: I'm suposed to define a sin?! talk about elusive. it's so open to interpretation, political affiliation and sooo much more. like I walk around with a sin list in my pocketbook.
is he kidding me with this?
I get plenty o' guilt in my own religion. I hardly need to adopt another for more guilt-injections.
This one kills me, too, "live your life doing everything in his name."
so not only do I have to manage my own "to do" list, I have to manage Jesus' list too?! why is this fair?
I could go on, and on... but I'm pausing for now because I'm going to sleep, ALONE. but, I hear Jesus is quite the ladies man. who knows, maybe he'll stop by for a shtup. I hear he is single...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:38 PM
Ah, my first crotch watch. I was 12. My grandma, Helen took me to the ballet, with binoculars! When the crotchley bachelorinas did the jump squeeze, Helen would gasp like a freshly rouged Iowan at an all you can eat meat and cheese buffet.
For the next two years, I was Helen’s ballet date. It was great. We’d take the subway from Brooklyn to the city, watch the ballet, and then over a slice of pie and coffee at Sarge’s Deli, we’d have crotchversations.
By 14, I was skilled in the art of crotch watching. Gay tops wore faded blue jeans with left hangers. Gay bottoms created the ass lip effect with a high seam. Gentlemen of a certain age had anklets. And fat men didn’t have penises, or so I thought. When standing or walking they were crotchless. When seated, anatomically correct. What’s a girl to think?! So, I asked my father. His response: “What are you a schmuck? What kind ah-fuckin question is that? Jesus fuckin’ Christ. Ahhh, you!”
He never did answer the question, so I asked my middle school teacher.
“Mr. Deprado, do fat men have penises?”
He was a portly gent. I figured if anyone would know, he would. This was not a wise decision. I was suspended for inappropriate behavior. My father laughed and Helen clapped, consumed with pride.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:33 PM
Thursday, February 02, 2006
my best friend is in town from ny. so great to see him. he was talkin' to a jew broad the other day from Longgg-Island and he said, "Katie, she was so Jewish ny, it was like talking to a bagel."
is that hilar or is that hilar!!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:58 PM
I got a habit of leaving my car keys in the car unless I'm going home. I also never lock my car. I picked it up from my dad... but. I'm trying to remember to bring them.
I'm kinda absentminded about some things.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:53 PM
ok, it's super clear to katie that she, me, is assed out of a critical vag gene.
the bride and adjunct bridely things one.
it's killin' me.
my girlfriends keep asking me details about my sister's wedding.
what are the colors?
I don't know.
what kind of flowers is she having?
I don't know.
what hotel is everyone staying at?
I don't know.
what's her dress look like?
it's bad enough that when we go to bride stores and functions, I get anxiety attacks, hives on my wrists and can't stop sneezing.
my best friend said, "honey, strap on your vagina, please, and spill."
what kills me is that I'm a feminine chick. I'm not butchly, so what gives?
if I ever got married, I think it would have to be an afterthought.
But here’s the thing, I’m so excited for my sister. She’s the earth mother incarnate.
oy such guilt.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:18 PM