Wednesday, January 31, 2007

change is good

I know. I changed the blog. what am I? 10. no.

I know we all have a love hate relationship with change.

am I rhymee? love a good non sequitur

anywho, it's still me, just darker. every girl needs a splash of color. right?

hate it?

love it?

don't really give a shit?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

this is flawless

emails from jesus. is that hilar?

ah, rhetoric

the marketing of evil: how radicals, elitists and pseudo-experts sell us corruption disguised as freedom.

this is the cornerstone of censorship. so damn offensive and scary. on the marketing of evil: Americans have come to tolerate, embrace and even champion many things that would have horrified their parents' generation – from easy divorce and unrestricted abortion-on-demand to extreme body piercing and teaching homosexuality to grade-schoolers.

Americans have fallen victim to some of the most stunningly brilliant and compelling marketing campaigns in modern history.

The Marketing of Evil reveals how much of what Americans once almost universally abhorred has been packaged, perfumed, gift-wrapped and sold as though it had great value.

Highly skilled marketers, playing on deeply felt national values of fairness, generosity and tolerance, have persuaded us to embrace as enlightened and noble that which generations since America’s Founding regarded as grossly self-destructive – in a word, evil.

From the federal government to the public school system to the news media to the hidden creators of "youth culture," nothing is exempt from the thousand-watt spotlight of Kupelian's journalistic inquiry. In the end, The Marketing of Evil is an up-close, modern-day look at what is traditionally known as "temptation" – the art and science of making evil look good.

(fyi) the rhetowriter: DAVID KUPELIAN is the Managing Editor of, the world's largest independent news Web site. He is also a widely read online columnist and the driving force behind the acclaimed monthly news magazine Whistleblower.

Monday, January 29, 2007

what book do you signify

while hopping potd's way (love the potd blog), I happened upon this frustrating, deeply annoying-ish quiz that I simply had to take because I'm a schmuck. give it a try. you'll love it.

you're the sound and the fury by william faulkner

Strong-willed but deeply confused, you are trying to come to grips with a major crisis in your life. You can see many different perspectives on the issue, but you're mostly overwhelmed with despair at what you've lost. People often have a hard time understanding you, but they have some vague sense that you must be brilliant anyway. Ultimately, you signify nothing.

I signify nothing? how is this possible?

take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

that katie sure is a sinner

for godsakes, I blog so much about the christian reich movement in this country and what do I have to show for it? not a god damned link from one christian blog calling me, offensive, a sinner, the devil's mistress, the devil's work, the anti-christ. bupkas. close your eyes. what do you see? precisely. NOTHING.

I am completely overlooked. I'm not asking for a world war here. BELIEVE ME. I'm just looking for some acknowledgment. I was in
hell house for fuck sake. shouldn't that immediately qualify me?!

jews for jesus

is it the chach? the notion of being saved? what is it that makes some of my people become jews for jesus?

christmas: It is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, the Jewish Messiah, and it's also an incredible time for introducing others to the greatest Jew who ever lived.

that's just fuckin' great. let's give the zealot christians more reason to hate us. like we haven't already won most unpopular in this century?! oh, and another thing, doesn't this make us 2-fers in the jihad's eyes?

ps: could moishe from any deli nyc be more severely jewish?! oy vey a shmear. why leave us fabulous heeblette's behind?

the scared straight of food

for anyone who is a food addicted whore like me, you have got to watch the scared straight of eating. seriously. I eat 33,000 calories a day took my wig off. that's an expression, I have a full do.

when you eat yourself out of cheekbones and into a bed ridden, horizontal diaper wearing person, it's just heartbreaking. what was so fascinating about this show was that you could SO clearly see how easy it is to get there, even though you think it isn't.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

bottoming for my bosses

dear bosses,

hi. how are ya's? how's it going? great, I'm sure. all four of ya's live up my ass. what a thrill for you's that must be and for such cheap rent, too!

unfortunately though, this is a notice of rent increase. I know. I know. it sucks. but, with all of the additional tenants ya's have shoved up there and the additional real estate you've built, and are now occupying, I have to charge more.

thanks to you's, I have a village up my ass and constant foot traffic on rectal way. and, not lackadaisical foot traffic, runners-- some with heels and all with purpose. it's a bit exhausting and anally challenging. I'm so bunged up, oatmeal and laxatives couldn't save me now.

don't get me wrong, being your ace bottom has been so, wow- rewarding, I can't stop orally gushing about it. I'm thrilled. truly. but, I'm concerned that if I don't charge additional rent now, ya's-'ll begin construction on more villages and eventually a highway connecting them. and you know what that means, workerbees in their cars, zooming at high speeds along the intestine-405 so's not to be late to meet the king of my ass that is the four of you.

so, dear bossy bosses, ya's have one week to pay or quit.

your loyal bottom

Saturday, January 27, 2007

cruising for jesus

yes, you too can cruise for jesus. it shouldn't come as a shock. after all, you can now be the proud owner of a bobble head jesus', space jesus, jesus robot, jesus and friends toys for tots, jesus pencil toppers, jesus dress up dolls, complete with a cross hangin' j. so, why not cruise with the man?

my god (no pun intended), jesus has more chach than any salvation army I've ever been to!

today, I hit my beloved blair's journal and low and behold, guess what I found out? she's on a christian cruise!

The K-Love Friends and Family cruise. Premiere Christian Cruises puts this all together and they are the same people who will also be putting together the Music Boat cruise to Jamaica in April of this year. But that’s not all, my best friend in the whole wide world,, was to be speaking on the cruise so I would also get to spend time with, which is too rare since and live in different states and both have crazy busy lives.

And, yes, the whole thing is an inside joke with her manager, David, but I am sincere about you clicking on the link and joining her mailing list.

k-love, in case you were wondering, features all your favorite christian contemporary singers under one roof for a whole fucking week. well, sign me up and slit my wrists with a super sharp knife.

I think from now on, I'm going to refer to all of my bff's in the whole wide world as .com's.

music to my ears

leave it to the goddess that IS jane fonda... thousands protest war in iraq. very inspiring. read it. Silence is no longer an option, Fonda said

At the rally, 12-year-old Moriah Arnold said, Now we know our leaders either lied to us or hid the truth. Because of our actions, the rest of the world sees us as a bully and a liar.

The founders of our country gave our Congress the power of the purse because they envisioned a scenario exactly like we find ourselves in today. Now only is it in our power, it is our obligation to stop Bush.

Tickle Me Elmo Tmx Giggle and Shake Chair

ok... isn't this more of a toy for mom? it's a chair that vibrates for fuck sake. what part of child is synonymous with vibrate?! EXACTLY-- bupkas!

big gay fun


ah to be gay

this is a mainstream ad from the 1950s. fabulous enough! do you realize that you'd never see an ad like this in a straight rag today? over 50 years later! that makes me quite sad...

and now for.... fartkisaf

fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays.

1. rejection. waiting. waiting for rejection.

2. I won't make my 2/1 rejection deadline. see where my head is at? the shame...

3. my slumlord won't let me move downstairs without a new deposit, rent increase and a new lease. I really need to make this move asap because of haglette's arthritis. stairs are an ish. otherwise, kid's doing great.
4. rejection yet again.

5. overall anxiousness because I've been cataloguing my rolodex of fears for fun!

6. really strange ass dreams. some deathy. some super random and deathy.
7. new tires, new brakes, a tune-up and new windshield wipers. if I don't get it done this week, I'm worried my back tires will expode.

that concludes this week's fears. sorta

Friday, January 26, 2007

the hater

you have GOT to read the fabulous post that the oh so smart and funny skirmish of wit has spun about love god's way... you know, flippin' homos into heteros cause it's the godly way. the fucking shame of it. her spin on it is so clever. check it out.

the exploding whale

this afternoon, I visited the ever so funny, johnny yen and got such a fabulous laugh. the exploding whale in oregon video from the 1970s. you have got to see it. the highway patrol in their infinite wisdom thought, hmm... let's not bury the dead, shtunking carcass, let's blow it up with dynamite. yeah! the seagulls will nosh for days. --oy vey--

Thursday, January 25, 2007


well, this day sucks ass. no. really. it does.
remember that phrase, a lady in waiting. it's not applicable. it's just a thought.

defense megacenter huntsville: I'm just curious about the use of megacenter. is it really necessary to call a defence center mega? it's not implied?
leewee did post for us. she pulled some oldies but goodies. the god diet. big closet fun with j-dawg. the jews. and, of course the usual submissive leepee jerk off material we've all come to know and love.
I'm off to edit, feel shamefully forlorn and wallow in deep, DEEP frustration.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

dear coco's vagina

dear coco's vagina:

hi! how are you? it's sooo great to see you making the rounds. so, I wanted to ask you, what's it like to be a show and tell vagina? you're like so famous! omg. I googled coco's camel toe and got 212,000 search results on google. can you believe that?! but, get this, when I googled coco's vagina, I got 500,000 + results... crazy, girl.

you seem to get invited to the coolest functions ever! but, I wonder, have you thought about visiting schools for the blind? I think that could seriously be your target market. not that I know for sure, but they could definitely use some guidance and you are such an expert! vaginal braille could really take off. I can SO see a braille vadge calendar on coco's world. can't you? I bet your audio pod casts would be all the rage.

anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. so sorry! how did you get into lip show and tell? when did it start for you? I bet I know, high school, right? there was some boy you were all wet and bothered for and he just wasn't that into you until you started wearing proper tacowear. he must'a flipped his lid. yowza.

if you'll notice, I included a picture of you wearing a more modest lipfit versus the one I posted earlier, which is a more severe lipfit. does the event dictate the lips, does ice or does your handler?I can't imagine how mine would decide. mine is a bit of a pussy-- hates being divided in two. I guess they see themselves as a team. but, when I look at you, you absolutely work as a team. you take the divide in stride. very cool. so, I don't know what the problem is. maybe you have some advice for my vadge? I'm WAY OPEN to feedback.

I do have one weird question... wearing skirts, talk about lip R-and-R! huh?! that's why you wear them, right? or only when you menstruate? wait. do you menstruate regularly?

anyway, I hate to cut this short, but I gotta run. can't wait to hear back!


ps: I love how you and ice coordinate outfits and you're very into pastels. so cute. send him my love.

coco's vagina

I just need to understand why a cavernous taco is a perfect accessory. we're talking big pookie pain, so what's the scoop behind the scoop?! no accidental lip chick enjoys the ride, BELIEVE ME. is it a status thing? are tacos making a comeback?


I'm with vadge, I'm spreadin' my ass out. I ain't nobody's, at your convenience, girl. talk about a self-esteem buzz kill. gahhhd. unless someone's willing to travel down compromise lane, it's severely dead.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


unlike this fabulous diva and she IS a fabulous diva, I have flat jew ass syndrome. add the additional poundage and, wow, I am a serious wide load.

as we head into wednesday

I think she's praying for a sweet piece of ass. you?

so far this week is not sucking. let's hope the tides they are a turnin'. gotta get back to work now. most un-festive, but a girl does what a girl has to do (just look at the image above).

whack some other jew

people have lost their ever lovin mother fuckin minds.

last night my sister and I were in the car stopped at an intersection when some asshole took the right too wide and was heading right for us. ker was lookin at me and I was looking dead ahead and saw this big white car barreling towards us. like an idiot, I said, ker, we got a problem.

who says that?! what a fucktard thing to say.

then the car swerves and almost hits the car beside us, but doesn't and continues up the road soaked in shame. ps: my sister and I both looked at the couple the car also missed and thought we were having a bonding moment. yeah. not so much. this cunt glared at my sister and I LIKE IT WAS OUR FUCKING FAULT that the car ALMOST hit them. I was so furious, I screamed out the window, hey, lady, lighten up, you're walkin out of your car tonight, not being tagged, bagged or rolled. it wouldn't kill ya to crack a smile.

side note: mel gibson is a vile jew hating freak-o-nature, but I so want to incorporate sugar tits into my slang repertoire. the ish. I have terrible guilt, so I don't.

moses or jesus

I'm in a conundrum. when it comes to schlepping and ahj, who wins? moses or jesus.

this is hilar squared, a jesus moses comparagraph about their leadership styles. isn't that just so very myers-briggs? but, in an ivy league, secret society, frat house, raper-ee way. I don't know. seems very anti-religion.

deathy, but funny

wow-- now that's cunty

Sunday, January 21, 2007

the sickest man I know

mount joy on bush's complaint about sahdy's hanging.

"I so cannot see how they fucked up those last two hangings accidently. I mean you only have to go to wikipedia, to find the "Official Table of Drops" that sorts it all out in easy to read metric and imperial measurements. It's all very Martha Stewart, really."

got nuttin' but love fah ya, mj.

sundays at schwartzys

1. no leewee journal entry today. I'm most forlorn about it. no family pics to mock. no entry to dissect. how am I supposed to go into my week without her direction and guidance? what about me? what about my needs?! a busy excuse just won't cut it. you can't have a WEEKLY journal if you're going to journal at your convenience. it's self defeating. just call it, the leepee journal whenever I fucking feel like it.

2. must clean. house is utter chaos. not totally, but for me it's chaotic (how very twit and sledge of me). I could not be less in the mood for a cleanse fest. I need the clarity, so I'm going to do it. tomorrow night is laundry. I hate bringing clean clothes into a dirty house. it's fat.

3. two writing deadlines this week that I haven't even begun. I suck. I've been skipping around one and I need to just dive in, womb first.

4. trying to get hageen groomed. he's covered in mud and smells like wet grass and canine fur. I must admit, I love it. still. kid's gotta get groomed today. at least he doesn't smell like pee pee. that would be vile. though dog excrement would probably be far worse.

5. after I clean, I'm going to have a fabulous, long, chick shower.

6. I think I'm also going to call my dad today and check-in. see how he's doing. haven't spoken to him in ages. the guilt. I'll call my aunt fudgie, too. but I have to clean first. I'm so unmotivated. I suck the ass of an old scotsman.

I'm done berating myself online, now it's time to segue into what promises to be a highly successful offline berating session. I just hope that doesn't cut into my cleaning time. although, I could combine them. ah, now that's using the noddle.

have a fabu sunday.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

hil's in

the goddess that is hilar is in. she had me at first lady.

and now for.... fartkisaf

fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays.

1) that I'll be stuck forever.
2) that throwing out my garbage every single day isn't enough and should be increased to twice a day given my severe phobia of maggots.
3) that I'll always be a 5-7 day menstruator versus a 3-day-er.
4) that I'm being haunted by dead people.
tune in next week for more fears and chronic reminders that katie is in fact a big fat freak.

Bush Says Iraqis 'Fumbled' Saddam Hanging

bush says iraqis fumbled saddam hanging

best fuckin' headline of of 07'. I don't care if we are just 5 minutes into the new year. it's absolutely genius. the only headline that could top that is, bush has been impeached (and) upon hearing the news, cheney emptied his bank accounts and fled to switzerland.

"WASHINGTON (Jan. 17) -
President Bush said Tuesday the unruly execution of Saddam Hussein "looked like it was kind of a revenge killing," making it harder to persuade a skeptical U.S. public that Iraq 's government will keep promises central to Bush's plan for a troop increase.

In his toughest assessment yet, Bush criticized the circumstances of Saddam's hanging last month, as well as Monday's execution of two top aides, including Saddam's half brother.

I was disappointed and felt like they fumbled the -- particularly the Saddam Hussein execution, the president said in an interview with PBS' Jim Lehrer."

I spose' it would've been less feeble if bush stripped sahdy and hired a bunch o' bull riders to chase him with the rope and hog tie him, dragging him until he choked to death or was shocked to death from being skinned by all the rocks and sand.

I can see where that definitely would've secured overwhelming support in sending 20,000 more troupes to bigfat iraq.

"It basically says to people, `Look, you conducted a trial and gave Saddam justice that he didn't give to others. But then, when it came to execute him, it looked like it was kind of a revenge killing, the president said.

It makes it harder for me to make the case to the American people that this is a government that does want to unify the country and move forward," Bush said. "And it just goes to show that this is a government that has still got some maturation to do."

call it morbid curiosity, but what would a successful hanging look like in bush's eyes? is there a hanging that would pacify americans into sending 20,000 more troops into iraq?

here's a thought:

it's 6 PM. the evening air is filled with tension. a nokia video cell phone pans across the sun, setting over the soft silky sands of iraq. the sky is bursting with orange and purple hues. bon jovi's song, dead or alive, crackles through the phone as we cut to sadam stepping onto a
little giant companion ladder.

sadam's neck is being earnestly guided into a sterile white nylon-poly blend rope by two strapping iraqi's adorned in abu ghraib hoods. once the noose is safely around sahdy's neck, we see a blurry close-up of sadam's stoic face and the hoodies leaping back, waiting for the order. a thunderous voice proclaims, مت (die) in arabic. the little giant companion ladder is pulled out from under sadam as we bear witness to him unhurriedly gasping his last breath.

now that's a hanging!

as redundant and cliche as this sounds, it's always worth repeating. bush is a disgrace to this country with no respect for human life or democracy. he's sickening and vile.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Reinaldo Arenas

if you don't know reinaldo arenas work, you must read him immediately. he was an exiled cuban novelist and poet. read his books.

I am that child
with the round, dirty face
who on every corner bothers you with his
“Can you spare a quarter?”

I am that child with the dirty face,
no doubt unwanted,
that from far away contemplates coaches
where other children
emit laughter and jump up and down considerably

I am that unlikeable child definitely unwanted,
with the round dirty face
who before that giant street lights or under the grandams also illuminated
or in front of the little girls that seem to levitate
projects that insult of his dirty face

I am that angry and lonely child of always,
that throw you the insult and warns you:
if hypocritically you pat me on the head
I would take that opportunity to steal your wallet

I am that child of always
before the panorama of imminent terror
imminent leprosy, imminent fleas,
of offenses and the imminent crime.

I am that repulsive child that improvises a bed
out of an old cardboard box and waits,
certain that you will accompany me

Monday, January 15, 2007

dear leewee...

I sense God wants to do a new work in me and my life this year and I would love to start 2007 off with a divine breakthrough. I am also recently being challenged in the area of submitting to spiritual authority (not our own church; something else.) So this has been a really good opportunity for me to walk in obedience to my covering, trusting God to bless my desire to walk with a yielded heart.

dear leewee:

grrrlfriend, how are you? lord up. devil down! get it?! (wee, you never saw, pimp's up. ho's down on hbo? you HAVE GOT to see it. you'll love it. lot's of souls to save and prayer ops)

it's so funny you say that you feel god wants to do a new work in you because I feel like (s)he wants to do a new work in me, too! we are so in sync -- omg.

what were your symptoms? mine was really bad gas. I could not stop farting. it was crazy, gf. loud, long farts. once I got past how satisfying it was to just let er' rip, I quickly realized that each fart was actually a message from (s)him, urging me to be more submissive to (s)him's will. (s)he even encouraged me to buy a switch if I was being disobedient. you might want to consider it too, lee. it's the only way to fully surrender to spiritual authority. the bruises hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks, but look at me, I survived and so will you!

you must email me back. I'm dying to know what your symptoms were.

here's to obedience 07'!


lee wee's post o' the week

this week's leepee entry was about the daniel fast... with a few choice gems.

I realized too late that I hadn’t written a journal entry for this week. I breathed a quick prayer, “Dear Lord, I don’t want to let my cyber friends down again but I don’t have a spare minute to write this before I leave town and I don’t want to be writing while I’m with Angela. What can I do?”

I'm hearing a lot of "I's and me's." I'm NOT hearing a lot of, "you and you's". in a situation like this when a zealot has a narcissism tantrum, something akin to breathing for these folks, that zealot should really consider the following inquiries instead, what would jesus do? or jesus, it's your decision. jesus, I'm going to let you pilot this one.

I immediately thought of my friend, Sarah, whom I introduced you to last year.

I never got a personal introduction. did you?

I logged onto her blog and discovered she had recently written about our church wide call to a “Daniel Fast.” Perfect! We are allowed to eat: fruits, veggies, legumes, brown rice, soy milk, nuts, oats, and honey. We are not allowed: caffeine! Diet Dr. Pepper! Beef, poultry, fish, all dairy, sugar or sugar substitutes, eggs, flour and all breads.

she is so walmart that leewee, isn't she?!

pastor shared the phrase, “Extreme obedience brings extreme blessing,” which has become our mantra around here.

how very s&m-ee meets extreme makeover.

I sense God wants to do a new work in me and my life this year and I would love to start 2007 off with a divine breakthrough. I am also recently being challenged in the area of submitting to spiritual authority (not our own church; something else.) So this has been a really good opportunity for me to walk in obedience to my covering, trusting God to bless my desire to walk with a yielded heart.

I guess those ipod face to penis sessions with jesus in the closet are REALLY PAYING OFF!

someone's getting a letter.


did you know there was a non-penile putz product? neither did I!

what's even better is that the website's url is, with a lil bacon favicon. news?!


I'm about to label myself into a god damned frenzy because I just noticed that you can.

ps: german or not, a store named schmuck?!

how am I?

I am menstruating. I do so love getting my menses. the cramps I could do without, but that's what pain meds and heating pads are for.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

the 10 things freak meem

"the 10 things about meemish that I really don't want to tell you but will because I'm a freak."

1. moon river is my favorite song ever written. the memories of my grandmothers humming along while baking mandel bread and knitting... so inspiring and cozy. I include it in everything I write.

2. I would rather hang out with my dog than the majority of people I've met in my life. I absolutely love spending time with him. he's funnier, smarter and more interesting. I'm a freak.

3. I have inappropriate, severe and unrelenting white coat syndrome. my fear of doctors is so intense that I am convinced it has something to do with a previous life.

4. I never lock my car and I usually leave my keys in the car. to me it's not stupid. it makes sense. what pisses me off is when someone breaks into my car and leaves the door open. OK-- here I went to all this trouble to leave the car unlocked. the least you can do is be a mensch and close the door after you've had your fun.

5. when I'm at home, regardless of the weather outside, I need to have at least one fan on. the whirring sounds is very calming to me. I can't think without it.

6. I cannot breathe when the heat is on. again, regardless of the temperature, and I always need fresh air.

7. when I was a kid, I was terrified of the weather. I'm talking unadulterated abject terror whenever storm clouds would hover. I would freak the fuck out and think a tornado was coming.

8. I hate, hate, HATE, abhor and despise cleaning my kitchen floor. no idea why. I do it, of course, but I absolutely hate it with a passion. cleaning anything else is never a problem.

9. when I get dressed, I always put my shoes on first. it's a very strange habit, I know. even after I shower, I will dry off and stand in front of a mirror in my towel or completely naked, but I must have my shoes on --weird.

10. I have to write my writing notes and inspiring quotes actually on my refrigerator with a sharpie.

I think it's safe to say that I am an epic freak. I spose it could be worse.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

10 things meemish tags

you know that 10 things freak out post?! well, wp asked me to do a 10 things you need to know about katie post. if I'm gonna do this, so are YOU... see the list?! you better do it. we'll call this meem:

"the 10 things about meemish that I really don't want to tell you but will because I'm a freak."

wp: I know you hate me right now
riback: if you sigh in irritated fashion, mister mister, you know the consequences. I'm pms'ng
sensu: I can hear the, you cuntsteinowitz from hell, pouring out of your mouth.
politits: you're a spirited jewgirl and will have MUCH to say on the topic!
bubs: come on... you gotta do it. <- that's guilt.
mount joy: the shock value alone will be worth it and you haven't posted in a hundred years.
johnny yenta: do it!
evil spockowitz: you have to do it in third person.
lewchers: anything less than sarcasm will not be accepted
skirmish of wit: witty and clever always rules out.
self help: throw me a bone, wouldjya?!
daleish: PLEASE!!!

the other peeps I would also LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to do this, but who probably won't are: lesbian dad, crionaberry, doc, amers, cpunch, bathos, drug boy, whineish, the daily pitchfork.

and now for.... fartkisaf

fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays.

1. more troops being sent to iraq.
2. americans will still be fast asleep when the next presidential election rolls around.
3. the dems won't choose a truly winning prezy and vice prezy combo.
4. the anti-semitism will continue to swell in this country until it explodes.
5. gay marriage will never be seen as a basic human and equal right.
6. leepee will never write me back.
7. stem cell research will never reach its full potential in this country, resulting in more inhumane and devastating suffering and deaths.
8. censorship and freedom of speech will continue to flourish.

ok, so it's been an introspective week. can you really argue with my ahj and fears? I mean, really, can you?!??!?!?

chubby jesus

I am so thrilled right now, I can't even begin to tell you.... a chubby j is a happy j.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

10 more things to lose sleep over

if I'm going to freak out about whacking my dog at the vet's, of course I'm going to find more top 10's to obsess and freak out over. why? so I can share them ... with YOU.
10 things you need to know about your dentist. talk about a mercury buzz kill.
10 things you need to know about hospitals. like july's a real murder. death. kill month.

10 things you need to know about your vet

now that I am riddled with guilt and TERRIFIED that louie jew was left alone post-op, I am sharing the burden. 10 things you need to know about your vet. oy.

this part made my palms sweat, my gums itch and my knees weak. I'm such a wuss.

5. "Surgery's a cinch. It's the overnight stay you should be worried about."
If you think your pet will be tenderly nurtured through the night after surgery at a veterinary office or hospital, think again. Many vets don't staff their offices overnight, so it's important to ask about what happens in the wee hours.

guess who?!


you know you have issues when...

in the hopes of being a good diet soldier and having a clean eating day, you log onto food websites and place mock orders of everything you want to eat. you never submit the order of course because that's just evil. but, the idea of the food coming makes you salivate almost enough not to place the order.

I am so wrong on several if not all levels.


the tallest shims

I feel like they're virgins. someone should introduce them so they can shtup before they peel. is that insensitive or nurturing?

but, you're a vegetarian?!

what is wrong with people? I am so sick and tired of dealing with unsolicited advice vomiting out of people's mouths and into my lap. I may be a fat, restless, prickly mess at the minute swimming in my own private idaho. but, here's a thought, that doesn't give YOU carte blanche to rip me a new, none of your fucking business, asshole.

whatever happened to minding your own pot? you have your cauldron of issues and I have mine. if you need more, visit your local homeless shelter. I promise you'll find gallons of crisis and agida begging for a few extra stirrers.

yesterday someone asked, why are you fat? you're a vegetarian. it's not the first time a presumptuous cow has asked me such a dumb ass question. I just answered with belligerent honesty this time.

well, you cunt sucking whore, I'm not sure, but it just might have something to do with the pre-menstrual whiz shots sans crackers I voraciously inhale. or perhaps it's the fine cheese cutlets eaten like steak with a side of mashed potatoes and salad. then again weekly fifths of sour cream masked as "dip" for chips isn't much of a help either. although, it's possible my appetizer parties for one might be the true culprit and reason for my sphere-ish figurine. in any case, it's none of your fucking business, now is it?!

it's an angry day.

craigslist ad, seeking girlfriend goddess

a friend of mine emailed this to me today and it's just too funny not to post. what kind of man really thinks like this?

Seeking Girlfriend/Goddess -- $400 per Week

I am looking for a girlfriend/goddess for dating, romance and potential long-term relationship. Therefore, this ad is posted in the right category. It is formatted like a job listing because I think it is FUN to write it that way.

I believe in the old-fashioned concept of the gentleman paying. I also believe in a new-fashioned concept of the gentleman paying the lady. I believe this eliminates much of the tension women (and men) experience in dating, and makes for a balanced, healthy relationship with long-term potential.

$400 per Week for Girlfriend/Goddess. 16 hours per week. We decide on a regular day (e.g. Friday). You start work at 7:00 p.m. and finish at 11:00 a.m. the following day. That totals 16 hours per week. For this, you will receive $400 per week in cash. But I am flexible and negotiable on the above.

Job Duties:
Being a LADY.
Expressing your feelings.
Receiving flowers and gifts.
Having fascinating/amazing/enchanting conversations.
Being taken out to classical music concerts.
Being taken out to musical theater.
Being taken out to parties.
Being taken out to romantic, nonviolent films.
Being taken out to art galleries and exhibitions.
Getting teased to make you laugh more and more.
Having FUN.
Holding hands.
Kissing--deeply and exquisitely.
Being WILDLY passionate.
Getting VERY wet.
Being worshipped as a Goddess.
Surrendering to a very powerful man--he is the priest, you are his altar.
Becoming the Goddess he is worshipping.
Being elevated into extreme Goddess-ecstasy.... screaming! many times you lose count.
Sleeping deeply and having beautiful dreams.
Not being afraid of love.
Not being afraid of the truth.
Not being afraid of a man with a very LARGE vision for the world.
Opening your heart WIDE.
Experiencing magic.
Experiencing your own Divinity.
Job Qualifications:
You must LOVE "girlfriending."
You must be PASSIONATE.
You must believe in God, love God, and know that God loves you.
You must be WILLING to be worshipped as a Goddess.

You must be an EMOTIONALLY STRONG woman. Feelings happen. "Emotionally strong" means you don't get stuck in your emotional process. You should be strong enough (a) to work through your feelings whenever any "un-goddess-like-baggage" comes up in you, (b) to let it go (with loving support from a man who cares), and (c) to GROW into the Goddess you are destined to be. In other words, even if a part of you believes you are not a Goddess, you must be willing to let him PROVE you are a Goddess, which includes making you FEEL like a Goddess... and he can definitely do this..... but only if you let him.

Your hair must be at least to your shoulders.
Your weight must not exceed the normal range for your height. A "thick" body is NOT acceptable.
Your breasts must be at least "B" cup size.
You must be a REAL girl, who was BORN a girl.
You must be single and available.
You must be in excellent health.
You must be a NON-smoker.
You must NOT drink heavily (a glass of wine with dinner is okay).
You must NOT use 420 or any other recreational drugs.
(Note: Age, race, nationality, and education are open.)
I'm confident, passionate, funny, gallant, romantic, spiritual, brilliant, highly educated, and very MALE. White, 50-ish, 6-1, 180. Deep, sexy voice. High integrity. Baggage free, for the most part anyway (and highly skilled at letting go of whatever baggage comes up). Tantra master who can genuinely DELIVER "so many times you lose count," as stated above. Clean, healthy, vegetarian (you need not be), nonsmoker, alcohol free, drug free, and STD free (recently tested). Vasectomy. Perfect gentleman. I live alone in a delightful Culver City neighborhood and work at home in my home office. I am a litigation consultant--my clients are attorneys.
Job Application:
Double check to confirm that you meet ALL the Job Qualifications listed above. Please do not apply unless you do.
Email me your name, pics and tell me a little about yourself.
Include a face pic and a full-length pic. Please be sure I can clearly see your figure and the length of your hair.

If I am interested, I will reply with my pics and a request for your cell number. If you are still interested, email me your cell number. I will then call you and arrange to meet for a face-to-face job interview. Suppose you get hired. And suppose you totally love and cherish this job, and you want MORE HOURS. Then, if you want to get paid for those additional hours, you must make me more successful by means of your Goddess Magic. Remember, behind every great man is a great woman.... and THAT is the essence of your job. Do it well, and you will be rewarded well.

God bless you.

the god bless you in the end???? that's just magic, isn't it!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

cars need gas?

wait a minute. wait a minute! hold the presses. ok---let me get this straight, cars that require gasoline don't have auto-fill gas genies? gas isn't automatically in the tank prior to running out of it? no way! is this a new thing?

I simply cannot believe that anyone's friends or family would condone this level of stupidity. I'm confounded. bewildered. mouth-agape shocked.

Monday, January 08, 2007

yes, I know


does leewee masturbate?

I feel like she doesn't. it kind of bothers me. fear not, I have a plan:

leewee, here's a masturbation-sex meemish that I wrote just for you. however, you are free to tag a few of our fearless soldierettes.

1. did you lose your virginity to steve cauble or jesus christ?

2. did you masturbate to jesus or another high school crush?

3. have you ever masturbated?

4. if so, do you recall the age and whether or not you had an orgasm?

5. was it vaginal or clitoral?

6. what is the best way to reach a woman's g-spot, and does it involve any "hymns"?

7. do you masturbate weekly, monthly or just on special occasions?

8. do you have a vibrator, a dildo or a shame-o (you know, a homemade vadge ride)?

9. do you feel dirty after you masturbate? if so, how do you cleanse? do you use a special talc?

10. what's your favorite porn? bush christmas or it came upon the midnight clear?

dear leewell

you know you love your new nickname, leewell, donchya? it's camp, lighthearted, even a bit whimsical.

OK. we ARE SO done with flattery time. do you know why? because, missy, I have a bone to pick. a serious, ginormous bone(r).


leewee. get it? it's a pee pee joke.

seriously, welch(es) (oh, that sounds like felches). but, welches, that's a juice of the grape variety. good for blood pressure. ya ever get a spike, leepee? if you do, suck that liquid back like it's the blood o' j.

so, child of a lesser god, though you don't email me back, I'm holding my breath in the hopes that you will.

I don't understand why you didn't go to church for christmas. that's so harsh, dude. you know he felt slighted. you hock him all year long and the one day he asks you to toss a lil' thought his way, what do you do? you eat mexican food and open prizes. girl, you're like, omg, I hate to say it, but the... anti-christ. I am so disheartened by your actions. I'm blue and not of the crocodile variety.

leezer (get it, like skeezer), you have to make it up to him. those pearly gates could be closed for business and no matter how much you pray 364 days out of the year, it's that 365th day that could bite ya right in the ass.

plus... soldiers. that would be us, me. the people who follow you. girl, are you b-lining us right for hell's doorway?! cause it sure seems like it. think of others. isn't that what christ is all about, sweetie, selflessness.

think about it and get back to me.


ps: by the way, did you get steve a do-it-yourself-in-a-pinch glory hole kit or a massage with relee for christmas?

leewell's spin on christmas

ok. point blank. the j-lovin diva is getting thin again and she's chucking her quacker factory prints for real life people clothing. what the fuck?!

this sucks ass. it's totally unfair. those are not store boughten c-bones either. those are real.

cruel, I tell you, cruella de ville squared. breathe, schwartzy, breathe.

this crotchmas, our blair outdid herself. she threw a big ol' tarjay soiree.

"our annual, Target Party for the Cauble kids. Each year, they invite their friends to the local Target store for a party. I went to Target early and bought $5.00 gift cards for every girl, Sharpee'd their names on them, and hid them for the morning Advent Calendar hunt. It is always so much fun to see which kids actually try to find something good and which ones buy the biggest gag gift they can find."

big christian fun. wait! it gets better.

"Christmas day was as magical as it should be. Full of gifts, home movies. traditions, homemade biscuits, naps, movies, Mexican food, dominoes, just enjoying family."

I don't see church or jesus mentioned anywhere in that magical fucking crotchmas day. do you? yeah. didn't think so. SOMEONE IS GETTING A LETTER!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

and now for.... fartkisaf

fartkisaf: friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays. sundays.

1. change. oy.
it's a mother bitch, ain't it? knowing you need to invoke change. being a duality and appreciating the value of change, but also fearing change. nothing quite says resolution like being at odds with oneself 100% of the time. it's super festive squared.

2. louie's ankles.
he started physical therapy this week and his arthritis drenched ankles blew up like the size of cleveland. being a neurotic freak of nature, I panicked. but, the following day, I noticed marked improvement and though the ankles are still swollen, they're more like the size of maine now. as long as he's not in pain and his quality of life remains the same, it's all good.

3. eenie meenie minee mo which sibling gets to tell the monster she's a big fuckin' alcoholic ho?!
that would be me. fuck fuck mother fuck.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

random nonsense

"No pardner, this isn't where I work... It's where my money works for me. I know my savings are safe here, because wherever you see that insurance emblem displayed you know your savings are protected by an agency of the U.S. Government."

that's one hell of an ad I found online, isn't it?!

I've decided that abstinence is very similar to going carb free. there isn't an upside to either.

I really think there should be a fat sucking program for the poor. I see it as a win-win. lemme splain. fattie poor folk get fat sucked out of their bodies making them thin. their fat is then injected into poor starving people making them healthy and robust. it's a good idea, no?

I'm not sure what's worse, fat rash or fat pull. fat pull is when appropriatee fitting underwear still manages to get sucked under the majora belly roll.

in my opinion fat pull blows fat rash away. fat rash though uncomfortable can be remedied with powder or lotion.

one fellow fatty I consulted with thinks fat rash is way worse, because you can't avoid it, skin on skin getting moist --pretty fucking nasty. the girl makes a point.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

the kreplach brothers

riback, another blog love has the funniest landing page with a survey and all, the kreplach brothers. jewey enough!?

new katieism

for broads that prefer meat on the fly, fuck and chuck. get it? I'm lame. whatever. it's probably older than dirt.

watch out psychic cindy, here comes pat robertson

oh, jesus, please come gather your soldier-eeiest hypocrites. really. they've exhausted us completely and we're ready for your second coming. if you'd like to drop them at hell's gate, we're all for that. though I have a feeling one of the blogs I love, the pitchfork will be none to pleased. unless of course, you grant them permission to hang them from their hateful, zealot ballsacks and nipples. who wouldn't appreciate such a decorative ceiling arrangement?!

when fundamentalists dress up psychic cindy predictions as, god said, it just sends my vulva lips twitching like a country cricket on a hot summer eve. who better to make those predictions than the one, the only, pat pining for cock robertson. that queen sure does love being the bell of a crystal ball, doesn't she?!

ps: to my beautiful fagehalla's, while I hate to pawn her off on you, we all know she's a bible thumping, glory hole suckin' queen. she just hasn't been caught with the darkest cock in her mouth... YET. the day will come, my pretties. the day will cum.

she's been a busy beaver this year, our jshlubertson, schlepping to israel to predict millions of deaths towards the end of 07' (in big j's good name of course). she's not sure what disaster will strike, but she's certain it will be an act of terrorism or something au-nater-ahl. she's also sure it won't be nuclear.

call me a dipshit wrapped in a riddle, but I'm having a super hard time imagining THAT conversation:

JESUS: hey pat, jesus here. I just wanted to give you the 411 on 07's outlook. towards the end of the year there's going to be a disaster, but just in america. millions of your people will die. it's not going to be nuclear, but it will be natural or an act of terrorism.

PAT: this is primarily going to impact the non-christians though, right?

JESUS: I haven't decided yet, but I'll keep you in the loop.

PAT: well, what about sinners? I mean, will you at least make sure their lives are taken?

JESUS: again, I haven't decided yet.

PAT: I see.

JESUS: pat, quit bein' a ball buster, ok?! I took time out of my busy schedule for a face to penis to tell you that millions of fucking americans are going to die in a non-nuclear natural disaster or terrorist act. what more do you want from me?! you are such a needy dick sometimes.

OK, so that's my fantasy conversation.

I just think that if jesus were really going to take time out of his day to spin that yarn, it would've been far more detailed. so, either splat is lying (like that's a stretch) or she's withholding to recruit believers. either way, she's a vile life sucking cockroach and I canNOT wait for the second coming: the day she's caught with her pants around her ankles.


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