Wednesday, October 15, 2008

As I Fantasize About a Sinusectomy

Let's discuss other creepy and surreal things, shall we? Fab.

First, the above photo is Sarah Palin in her office. Did she whack the bear herself? When she's cold, does she drape the bear over her body so they're lying face to face? The God damned animal's shoulder blades are still intact. And the bear looks like he's fucking the top of her settee. What's happening with the crustacean? Stuffed and real or fake? Did the huntress capture it herself?

Second, 33 Million Dollar home for sale in Bridgehampton. Originally built in 1898 by local nobility Dr. John Gardiner and named Dulce Domum, this country residence was set upon a 20-acre parcel 200 ft. above sea level. The soaring vistas viewed southerly across the farm fields to the ocean and north to the Connecticut shore from the 50 ft. observation tower are breathtaking 475 tons of local rock was used for the base foundation of this 12-bedroom compound, which consists of the considerable main house with multi-level stone terraces, a substantial guest house with a greenhouse conservatory overlooking a botanical nursery and a palatial gunite pool, a substantial barn artist studio with gym, living quarters with a 4-car heated garage. Lovingly restored and renovated in 1998, accommodating every modern amenity conceivable for a first class lifestyle. This dignified gated property consists of three single and separate parcels - all organic, replete with rolling distinguished lawns, walking paths, gardens and tennis retreat with basketball court and playground. A haven of luxury!

I find this to be terribly surreal and have some rhetorical questions. How does one shop for a 30MM dollar home? Do you flip through "For Sale" ads, bypassing homes for 10MM, 15MM and 20MM until you reach the coveted 30MM and say, "Ah, perfect!" Do you look online? Do you put the word out to mega rich friends? Do you email vulgar-displays-of-wealth-realty-and-associates and say, "Hi, I'm in the market for a 30MM house, do you have any for sale?" What do you wear to purchase a 30MM house with 11 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms? What criterion do you look for in a 30MM home? As you browse from room to room, do you actually say things like, "Oh, you know what, the layout of this living room is kind of a deal breaker, it's just too small. I was looking for 10,000 square feet, not 9,784." "There's a weird creak in the upstairs hallway." "I had my heart set on 12 bedrooms, not 11."

What issues could you possibly have with a 30MM home?!

Third, I have been sneezing for three-days straight. If I don't get a reprieve, I'm calling my allergist for a sinusectomy tomorrow.


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