to me, hoodia sounds like clit removal. why name a diet drug, hoodia? it's such a stupid name.
Friday, March 31, 2006
ROCK! you must listen to their new song, not ready to make nice. their political agenda against the war and moxie to speak out against it in the face of such hideous backlash from the christian reich is so amazing! support the chicks.
beavers with voices :) what's not to love?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:56 PM
kvetch some more.
eat. fat. gobs and gobs of fat. preferrably in the sodium realm.
fart. I think farting is divine. why people must hold back, I will never understand. who wants to get all squeezed up with gas?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:55 PM
cipro is DISGUSTING. my doctor refuses to give me a liquid prescription for it. and what pisses me off about that is it's because he wants me to learn to swallow pills. hi, choke phob. what part of, I will never swallow a fucking pill, do you not understand?!?!?! for the love of god. when I was on birth control pills, I crushed them. it is what it is. I don't swallow pills.
and cipro is so nauseating. ugh.
it could be worse.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:53 PM
holly and molly are such non-jew names, aren't they? you just don't get jews with those names. not that katie is such a jewey name either. and I'm named after my great grandmother, katie and my great grandfather, louie. I have a cousin louie katie. I'm katie louie. funny, no?
so, yesterday when I was at the park, some guy asked me if he could buy my dog?! I said, "if I asked you to buy your kid, would that be appropriate?" he said, "this is different and I want your dog. he's so beautiful." I said, "yeah. too fuckin bad. he's not for sale."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:07 PM
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I am so completely disgusted and offended by pastels. it's not natural, and it's not appropriate under any circumstances. it's freakish.
meterosexuals, corporate weekenders and women wear pastels. bible thumping -linen pastel tote bag carrying- vanilla ice cream and ham eating F-R-E-A-K-S.
that is what spring pastel apparel buyers are.
women who wear pastels wear strings of pearls, and I don't mean cum pearls, the real pink clam slammin' ones.
there is nothing attractive about a pastel. pastel wearers have glazed doughnut faces. They smile at scampering puppies, tapioca pudding and wicker picnic baskets filled with blush Chablis.
I FUCKING HATE PASTELS!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:36 PM
well, my new crackberry came today. all is write with the world now. I can't tell you how relieved I am. however, I will still be sitting shiva for the original.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:15 PM
you have the audacity to send the below comment in an email and expect the recipient to believe you:
"half of Hollywood has my eggs. I have about 100 illigetimate kids from my stolen eggs that I won't recognize ever."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:07 PM
katie cruise eating junk food in public.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:05 PM
receive my blackberry.
exercise good hand care.
play catch with my dog on the beach.
have pilate arms.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:00 PM
"I want to adopt, and I plan to adopt before I have my own kids," the pop star recently told TV's "Extra."
this sentence is just wrong on every level. it's just so UN-baby-look-at-me. isn't it?
"I think Angelina Jolie has done amazing, amazing things, and the international adoption rate just since her has skyrocketed," Jessica said. "It's unbelievable."
who knew multi-national adoption would become a jet setting fad?! what's going on with american homeless and crack babies? aren't they ever going to make a comeback!!!
houston on katrina victims:
Many people in the nation's fourth-largest city complain that the influx has led to more murders and gang violence, long lines at health clinics and bus stops, and fights and greater overcrowding in the schools. Some of those claims are debatable, but the sentiment is real.
how BUSH. but my favorite is this sentence:
"We still feel sorry for them. We still want to help them, but it's to the point where enough is enough," said Torah Whitaker, 25, of Missouri City, a Houston suburb.
that is just a shame bundle, isn't it?
why are we kvetching about immigration? I must've missed the american born dream memo, the one that requests the immediate termination of immigration so that we citizens can vie for house cleaning, veggie picking and cab driving jobs. hasn't anyone given any thought to the poor residents of beverly hills and bel air? they don't hire english speaking help. god, people, think it through!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:28 AM
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
katie naked :: who the fuck wants to see katie naked??? for the curious here you go, imagine a frog with hips the size of the world wide web. that's me in the flesh.
pearl child abuse
james blunt personal info :: did ya'll see his beautiful video? go to launch and see it right now. you will laugh so hard, you'll pee a little.
boycott pearls old school house
deafness milton berle
mother sister fuck :: alright, boundary.
daisy dukes legs
fuck my mom :: how is this even possible that I would come up on this search?! do you see milf dish on this blog?
dukes of hazzard
daisy duke hee haw
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:25 PM
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
at approximately 8:54 PM, I suffered a painful loss, something I'm not sure I will ever recover from. though my relationship was brief, it was far from inconsequential. in fact it was one of the most profound unions I've ever experienced.
we spent every waking minute together. we were joined at the hip, the best of friends.
the click wheel on my crackberry croaked. I am overwhelmed with sorrow. so much so that I will be sitting shiva for her, and shrouding all mirrors so that I can reflect on our journey together; 3 short months. it's never enough time is it?
a memorial service will be held on saturday morning at 8:54 AM. please feel free to attend.
forlorn crack whore no more
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:58 PM
if I had the name, wally, I would change it to something leaner. wally is a gutteral fat name that gets trapped in your throat. it's right up there with sally.
I think day brides are creepy. who gets all wildly married in those big white dresses at 11AM or at 3 in the afternoon? those kinds of brides serve queer ass organic greens and poppyseed cake. I hate those weddings. I always get a fucking headache and just HATE having to wear a skirt that early in the day.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:38 PM
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I keep getting adoption spam with the subject; adopt your little bundle of joy. when you open the email, you see a young couple in a very field of dreams (hack) holding a baby.
it seems to me that adoption should be a spam boundary. I understand hoodia, viagra, every kind of drug under the sun and of course a good rehab because you're now a junky. but children?
who direct markets children?
"get your child. we've got all kinds, whites, browns, yellows and beiges. all ages, too, from infant right up to teen. whatever kind of child you want, we got it. and at discount prices. just come to our wholesale child warehouse and pick your child today. it's as easy as 1, 2, 3. pick the kid, pay 9.99 and wallah, you can be a parent, too. we're so confident you're going to find the child you want, we've even implemented a 90-day return policy JUST IN CASE.
if you're ready to be a parent, and can't get knocked up, or make it abroad like the jolie-pitt's, come on down to the wholesale child warehouse today!"
the god damned shame of it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:57 AM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I'm gettin' a whole lotta slack from about.com's deaf division because of the post about the deaf girl who got whacked by a train text messaging her parents. I'm not apologizing. I don't think finding the humor in death belittles the loss of life. I think it helps cope with the loss. personally, I think it's vital to laugh at everything, even deathings.
death sucks ass. amidst the falling tears, why not indulge in uproarious belly laughs?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:15 PM
Same Circus, Different Towns by Cormac Brown
it's realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly good :)
Cormac Brown a.k.a Write Procrastinator has written “Forty Winks With Luci” on Flashing In the Gutters.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 1:05 PM
I have this crazy eye situation that's stumped every doctor in the greater Los Angeles area for the past 7 months. it's incredibly ugly, and frustrating, but it's not permanent and it's not cancer, so it's not really that big o' deal. I'm blurry all the time; that's the worst part of it. and I wear sunglasses all the time now. and I NEVER WORE GLASSES. sun or otherwise (20/20).
still... doable. not cancer.
anyway, my latest adventure was at the jules stein eye institute. great doctors! they gave me this prescription for a gel that I put on my eyes twice a day. it looks like a man spent his love nectar all over my eyeballs. isn't that hot?! it even peels like a mask. WOW. jealous?
I decided to look up this gel. turns out it's pookie gel, metrogel. I'm using vag gel on my eyes as prescribed by an eye specialist at the institute. no wonder it looks like I've got jizz on the lids?!?!?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:33 AM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
I'm trying to finish these essays that are due this month and I'm havin' a real hard time getting them written. I'm trying to get my mojo to flow. I HATE writer's block.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:33 PM
I had a meeting today with someone so anal retentive, I could actually feel his sphincter muscle begging for a reprieve.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:29 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
"I so love providing a free service to some idiot. I think I'll ban her IP's so she has a meltdown trying to proxy in." -- doc
all because I said that I didn't agree with her post about getting people to ban the sale of books.
"What a fucking loser. A fat lonely girl, obsessed with lesbians and homeschoolers. I must be manna for her." --doc
if you click through and read that link, you won't believe the horrific things these people are saying. it's so shocking. they want to see me banned because I have a different opinion.
I could easily go through my stats too and find several click through's to my site from Doc's Oregon location.
what was she doing on my site in the first place? she's made it clear how much disdain she has for me in previous posts.
yes, I found it incredibly shocking that a lesbian would support any form of censorship. that doesn't mean I'm obsessed with her. having witnessed my gay and lesbian family members and friends suffer cruel and abusive acts of censorship and inequality, I couldn't believe someone as educated as doc would subscribe to such an act.
when you censor voices that you don't agree with, you set yourself up for being censored yourself. nobody should have the right to decide what is apropriate and what isn't. censorship is completely based on opinion, nothing more. I don't want the government or the christian movement or anyone else making decisions about what's apropriate for me to read or write or watch or listen to. that decision should be left up to me.
because we have the freedom of speech, we can speak out against books and things we don't agree with. but to get them banned and to make the decision of what's apropriate content for all Americans, well, that's just wrong. and that's not what this country was founded upon.
I just find this all so sad. I really do.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:13 PM
I asked my friend, writeprocrastinator to read what shlock wrote and tell me his thoughts because he's one of the most articulate, clever writers I know. here they are, acerbic, FUNNY, and brilliant...
written by: writeprocrastinator
I literally cannot make heads or tails of this and I've read it like three times. I don't know how she can make that comparison, it boggles the mind. A book encouraging child abuse versus the extermination of millions? That's like a finger cramp versus a slow amputation of every limb and I just, Jesus.
She chose that example to bait you just the way a Southern Baptist or Pat Robertson would too. How are you supporting these Pearl morons? I don't see it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:37 AM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
I moderate comments, so they are emailed to me and this is the email I received from blogger.com about Doc's comment that she posted to my site in its entirety. she can deny she made a comment until the cows come home, it's simply not true.
From: Doc [mailto:email@example.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:51 PM
Subject: New comment on book banning
Doc has left a new comment on your post "book banning":
I'm sorry, moron, explain what being a lesbian has to do with not supporting child abuse?Supporting these people and their abusive books would be the same as supporting Hitler killing millions of Jews.
Grow a brain, little girl. And stay off my website.
the green bits are doc's comments posted to my book banning entry.
"I'm sorry, moron, explain what being a lesbian has to do with not supporting child abuse?
If you're going to quote the moron, could you at least get it right?! gahhhd. I can't believe a lesbian is advocating censorship. I'm not gay, but I have a lot of gay friends and gay family members. not only are gay voices censored, but so are their rights. it's not about the content. it's about freedom of speech.
"Supporting these people and their abusive books would be the same as supporting Hitler killing millions of Jews."
how do you make THAT CONNECTION?! that's just all kinds of wrong on every level. you're comparing the holocaust to a book on raising children! yes, their methodology is psychotic.
nobody's asking you to support them. you have the right to voice your opinion against what they are advocating. that is the beauty of freedom of speech. why seek to ban their books? what if someone wanted to ban your website because you were a lesbian? if you ban books you don't agree with, you're opening yourself up and others to being censored.
"Grow a brain, little girl. And stay off my website."
what kind of brain would you like me to grow, princess? did you have something specific in mind?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:03 PM
into the sunrise is calling on people to ban the sale of pearls old schoolhouse books. of course they are horrific books. but I can't believe that a lesbian is advocating book banning! shame on her! that's censorship and stupidity. you should absolutely never, under any circumstances kybosh freedom of speech. our citizens have lost so many of our rights as it is.
disgusting. do not support this!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:01 PM
I just discovered this website, don't date him, girl, and I think it's shit. basically women post about their boyfriends who have cheated on them. what bothers me about this site is the saying, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." they don't qualify their posts. they accept any and all postings.
for the record, if there was an identical site for men about cheating women, I'd feel the same way.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:54 PM
Monday, March 20, 2006
my sister and I did our laundry last night.
while we were taking our clothes out of the dryer, a german shantzi sans undies in cargo pants walked by our folding station and said, "somevon put zayr svetah in my dlyah. zay aren't getting it back."
Kerri and I looked at each other like, ok.
when he took his clothes out of the dryer and over to his folding station, my sister whispered, "that's my sweater. he's got my sweater. it's my favorite sweater. let it go. he can keep the sweater."
I said, "no way. I'm gettin' that sweater back."
I walked over to him and picked up the sweater and said, "that's my sweater. I'm very sorry that I accidentally put it in your dryer."
he freaked out and tossed his towels around, "you changed za temprachur of my dryer. you cost me time I cannot get back."
why would he want to keep a dirty jew sweater, you know?!
I put down one dollar in quarters and said, "here's a dollar for your trouble." he shook his head and glared at me, so I threw down another 50 cents.
I ran over to my sister and said, "let's get out of here. he's comin' for us."
we flew outta that laundrette.
who knew hostage negotiation was so stressful. 1,50 to get OUR SWEATER back. the shame. the god damned shame!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:27 PM
this morning, my friend, e and I were having coffee outside on wilshire blvd.
are you noticing a wilshire theme today?!
all of a sudden out of a lexus, pours an eastern european taco in beige trousers.
I'm talking a hardcore, no holds barred vagina. her lips were so cavernous, you could actually see where her pookie stopped and her ass started.
I said to, e, "do you fuckin believe those lips? I mean, you saw them, right?"
he was blushing and gushing with delight.
I said, "dude, come on, you don't like that, do you?"
with a shit eating grin, he said, "oh, yeah, I love pussy. and I love lips."
what kind of a fuckin' broad features her lips?! you know?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:53 PM
so, when I was taking louie to camp last week, I had a bag of his supplements, meds, his rope and a dozen cans of tuna and chicken. wellllll.... like an idiot, I left the bag on the top of the car. when I realized I had done this, retracing our steps made little difference because it was long gone.
I was super blue. it was $200 worth of hellnine supplies.
today I got a phone call from my vet saying that a doctor on wilshire had my bag. I was so excited, I called them asap.
sandy said, "finally. we've been trying to call you for days. we've got the bag. in fact, you must've lost it just moments before I found it. come on up."
I'm a jew. we don't do empty handed as gratitude. we bring food. I picked up a dozen gourmet chocolate chip cookies and showed up with a basket to claim louie's stuff.
I showed them a picture of louie. thanked them profusely and we exchanged the goods.
as I got into the elevator, I noticed the bag felt lighter then it should, so I opened it.
they boosted my dog's tuna and chicken; and 80% of his bottle of supplements.
are you fucking kidding me?
my friend, nicole, said I should've gone back and claimed half the dozen of the cookies. she was right. I shoulda, but that's not what a lady does.
so, I just cursed them out, but thanked them at the same time.
still, what an odd thing to do, no?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:45 PM
the god damned shame of the fcc! pay attention! censorship abounds.
March 18, 2006
FCC chairman Kevin Martin defended his agency's decision last week to fine broadcast companies nearly $4 million for airing indecent programming. "Whenever the commission is trying to determine what is appropriate and inappropriate, there's inherently lines that end up being drawn," FCC chairman Kevin Martin said during a news conference Friday. "And all of that ends up involving the context of the way particular words are used or not used. This debate is not new. The FCC's original indecency decisions, that were upheld by the Supreme Court, it was George Carlin's monologue ('Filthy Words'). I think the commission is going to continue to provide guidance consistent with our precedent on this and how those words are appropriate or inappropriate." Martin dismissed criticisms that the commission drew too fine a line when it ruled that someone could be fined for saying versions of the word "shit" during a TV or radio program but not versions of the word "dick."
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:41 AM
Saturday, March 18, 2006
people don't fart in public? I think farting is great. let er' rip, I say. why not!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:21 PM
ok. yes, the song, you're beautiful, is a lovely song, it's fabulous. but his video for this song must be mocked and with relentless shame. why hasn't anyone mocked this video. it is the epitome of shame.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:34 PM
I gotta tell ya, these points are the shit. this is like lifestyle dieting. and for a food obsessed foodie like me, hot damn this is good. still, I miss a good binge, ya know. I can eat anyone under the table. stop with the jealousy!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:00 PM
I was going to rent this apartment down the street from where I am now, but persheena was insistent on giving me a douche, you know middle eastern style. when I told her that I thought that was disgusting, she said, "oh, but it's not. you come over, take your underwears (like I wear more then one pair at a time) off, and I douche you. I said, that's a boundary. shock of shocks, I have them.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:58 PM
I love sitting naked and resting the twins on the kitchen table. talk about bliss on a board!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:57 PM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
there is a magazine called, bass master?! the shame.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:28 PM
so, lw's got a new book, the me in mommy. do you see, me in mommy? cause I don't.
the book is for, spirit, mind and body.
spirit being jesus christ. what kills me is that she only writes for the christian dame. would it kill her to write about spirituatlity in broader terms???
what a dipshit thing to do. I love that curse word.
burka birds could seriously benefit from a "me in mommy" read.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 5:09 PM
my sister's wedding was beautiful, truly amazing and wonderful! I had a fabulous time. my sister looked like a princess. I made a few friends. saw my flawless family. It was great. oh, and boy, did I make a show of myself walking down the aisle. I lost my bouquet and I was on ring duty, so I used the ring box as my bouquet. I also almost tripped, and screamed, "I'm ok! I'm cool!" when they asked for the rings, I said, "got it." I was so on it. In rehearsal, I really fucked that up, oh well.
I also joined weight watchers today cause I'm a fat ass fuckity fuck fuck.
Love my brothers. they were so perfect and fabulous. my dad - my mom. all great stuff.
more later. gotta work.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:03 PM
I'm not like a fire slut or anything, but I do think if a fireman comes onto a woman, be it single, married or otherwise, it is her civic duty to fuck him.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:02 PM
Monday, March 13, 2006
The reigning Miss Deaf Texas who was killed by a train was text messaging her parents and friends on her cell phone as she walked near the tracks and might have been distracted, police said.Tara McAvoy, 18, was walking about a foot away from Union Pacific railroad tracks. She had typed a message to her parents, both of whom are hearing-impaired, letting them know she was walking along the tracks from home to her mother's workplace on Monday.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:24 AM
Thursday, March 09, 2006
yes, it's true. there is a homeless guy in our neighborhood who is disturbingly HOT. he wears stretch ball pants, but if you dress him in some fabulous jeans and a nice long sleeve t-shirt with a short sleeve vintage shirt over it and some fly boots, you have got a hardcore stud on your hands.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 12:21 PM
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I am a freaking fat fuckity fuck fuck.
I love self depricating humor.
I love to be self depricating, period.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:06 PM
I'm all about the pine. I choose complicated men who give me extreme agida and perpetuate my fear of intimacy. it's a gift. I just adore difficult men to manifest.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:03 PM
is that britsky titsky is knocked up again with ktrailer's baby. it's bad enough she married her distraction then spawned his child, now she's doing it again? ewww. that is severely creepy.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:56 PM
I was write she's got a book hitting the shelves any day now...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:56 PM
I've been doing a lot of thinking about jesus lately. I guess it's the homeschool blog obsession that's got me all focused on the big dawg.
it seems like he's got serious work pressures.
think about it.
you've got a ton of people who do things in 'his name' and hock him constantly about everything, and it's always, couldjya, wouldjya do for me.
what a pain in the ass.
I think I've got problems.
he should hook up with moses.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:39 PM
I am so tired... exhausted. total insomniac at the minute. whatever.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:22 PM
I fucking hate work. I fucking hate my fucking jobs and my fucking bosses and I am so fucking over this shit, it's not funny. I work for such ass pains of the year. you can't imagine. you know what's worse about someone who is demanding, someone who is demanding in a nasal way. oh please. get over yourself.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:20 PM
I think I want one, but from the early thirties or the 20's. what a fabulous bike. they are so vintage and camp...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:19 PM
I bought the most fabulous pair of shoes today for my sister's wedding. I can rock these big time. they border ugly and camp all at the same time.
the outfit I got for the wedding--- oh please, it's so 5x5 ugly. whatever, I don't care. I never have to look at these photos a day in my life.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:18 PM
so what the fuck? scrapbooking? there are conventions for these types of crafts. and crafts? I mean who does crafts. "Oh, you're so crafty." what a horrible thing to say to someone. why don't you just call me a plastic ice cube, coke drinking triple wide ho. honestly. I just don't get the phenomenon at all. "let's scrapbook." you know what, get yourself a nice leather photo album and instead of yuching it up with a bunch of queer ass stickers, fly in a few photos and call it a day. it's just so poor -- you know?
those who struggle financially don't need to add insult to injury.
I read lisa welchel's new journal entry. apparently, she's submitting to jc re: her weight. if god wants her to be 120 pounds or 200 pounds, she doesn't care. it's all about the lord and what he wants.
I don't pawn my weight problems off on jc. If I'm gonna have a yachna with the man, believe me, I'm gonna hock him about much bigger issues.
and this whole, I submit to him inside me.
he's inside you? really? doesn't your husband get jealous? do you call out his name when you cum? oh, wait, she probably doesn't cum. well, unless it's the lord's will.
everything is all about s&m with these born agains.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:12 PM
so, teri hatcher just revealed she was sexually abused as a child. how very, redbook-book-deal-90's of her.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 6:32 AM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
are you seeing a pattern?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 3:31 PM
my deadlines have deadlines.... I also have to write my sister's essay. mother fucking fuck fuck. I have nothing. my head blanks out. which is odd because she's the central character in so many things I write. not that my work is predictible and boring. whatever. I'm so annoyed.
and I just found out my friend is an intellectual snob. what an odd thing to say, no?
whatever. I'm so irritated.
I'm off like a prom dress.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:30 PM
what a fuck nut day.
my house is a mess of epic proportions. I mean it is no joke, yo. I have got to seriously deep clean. who has time??? I am so freakin slammed right now, I barely have time to wipe my ass.
this week is going way too fast. my sister is getting married on saturday. oy. so not in the mood. I'd love to watch it in real time video while sitting on my couch shoveling gobs of pizza down my throat. now thats what I call well managed fat.
I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off today. nobody had the printer cartridges I needed. I went to the doughnut shop to smell the doughnuts. that was really unsatisfying. but walking out without a fat pellet in hand was even more unsatisfying.
everyone is crawling up my tits today and annoying the shit out of me for no particular reason. and my slumlord wants his rent. I mean lighten up, yo. you'll get it when I have it. isn't that good enough?!?!?!?!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:26 PM
Monday, March 06, 2006
I would never name the fruit of my loins, Kirby. what an odd name?!
kirby - it sounds so, I eat like a bird and I have no appetite.
kirby - it sounds short person
kirby - someone who annunciates wayyyyy too much
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:17 PM
if I retain ANYMORE mother fucking water, I swear to God, I'm going to float away with New Orleans. I just look at salt and start to swell. this is a bad jewey trait. we're water retainers. we can't help ourselves.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:16 PM
I am so fat right now it's not fucking funny. and, all I want to do is smoke lunch baskets filled with ciggys. omg. if I could, I would smoke myself into a fucking frenzy, and then I'd eat gobs and gobs of cupcakes and pizza. I would stuff my face with extra large pizzas all day!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:11 PM
now matter how much you may loathe and despise someone, sometimes you have to suck it up and take it for other reasons. I think that really sucks ass.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:11 PM
do you have ANY IDEA what it costs me to hoist my hooters???? 60 fucking bucks a pop! that's right. if I want to remotely minimize, which is a joke in and of itself, I have to shell out 60 bucks a pop!
mother bitch, that sucks.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 2:09 PM
I have two bff's, Katie and Peter. I wrote about my bff peter, but peter says I made no mention of this. but in my archives, I did. I love peter. he's my bff and it pains me to no end thinking that he doesn't know this. he calls me fred. I call him sereena. it's a tight friendship.
searching my archives for bff peter now :)
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 11:55 AM
oh joy, lisa is back in full effect with a new creepy entry, but there are pictures, too, of mrs. garrett. she looks creeped out by the christian ocd, too.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 8:01 AM
I took louie to the ranch on saturday when i got my hur cut. and I brought a rope for him to play with and gave strongly worded instructions for him NOT TO PLAY BALL.
welllllllllllllllllllll, they totally ignored what I said. he didn't play with the rope at all.
do you know how I know? when they gave it back to me it had ZERO DROOL. and louie is a drooler.
I'm hoppin! to the core, hoppin!
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:55 AM
I hosted a bachelorette soiree for my sister.
We got her a giant black cock cake with a little note that read, "let's hope your man is this dark on the inside."
Kerri's lesbian gal pals gave us an oral demonstration by eating air pussy. It was momentus.
My sister is getting married this weekend -- oy.
so, you know, I had to go shopping and get clothes. Yeah, that sucked really hard. I hate shopping. I hate being chuvvy. I hate. I hate. I hate.
I am exercising my ass off every day this week and starving myself. Healthy Shmealthy. I hate most of the people I have to see this weekend.
this weekend: white jew trash meets new york culture and arrogance
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:49 AM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
people have the most odd screen names. I wonder why...
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:32 AM
my car is fogging up from the inside because the carpets are wet. can you say, vile? I'm taking it to the car wash next week so the carpets can be cleaned... oh joy. I wonder what that will cost. My brothers are coming into town next week for my sister's wedding. can't wait to see them. I'm as fat as a house. isn't that hot? I'm finishing the hair drama today. oy. I drink way too much coffee. tonight is my sister's whorefest.
lisa welchel's husband is a pastor. I don't know why I'm so utterly fascinated by her, but I am. I think it's because she's so, oh, I don't know, creepy in a christian way.
I am avoiding the shower like the plague. but I must man up, strip and dip.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:29 AM
The ADVENTure of Christmas
"Redeeming the Meaning of Christmas... Have you discovered that Jesus sometimes gets lost in the middle of the hustle and bustle of His birthday party? Would you like to be able keep your children’s focus on Jesus and be able to join them in the wonder of the celebration?"
do you really need me to tell you why this is hilar?
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:21 AM
Friday, March 03, 2006
tomorrow I am going shopping for wedding clothes. ugh. I am so NOT in the mood. it's because I have challenged self-esteem at the minute. it's just not as high as it could be. I also have a fucking million things to do today, and work. I gotta work. I hate my job. it's so reprehensibly and unforgivably dull. you just don't know.
I just realized that blogger has spell check. isn't that a tasty cake wrapped in a sell by date never expires, wrapper.
alright... I'm going to my car now. shit. shit. shit. shit. mother fuck. shit. I know it's drenched. for the love of god. speaking of god, pat robertson was kicked off the christian counsel he's been a member of for 30-years because of his comments about Israel's ariel sharon and Venezuela's Ceaser Chavez.
pat's losing it. I just can't wait until we catch him with his pants down, and his cock inside some inapropriate beaver. oh, happy day!!! I know it's coming. I can feel it.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:24 AM
it was an s.b.d rain. I just know it. I'm procrastinating... like my friend, write procrastinator. I do not want to deal with the car and its moisture agida this morning.
(ps) writeboy has a shop, too, mousepads, t-shirts, check it out, funny ass writing-isms.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:20 AM
I worry that my lips might be too meaty. I never want to be that lippy chick.
it fucking rained last night and nobody fucking told me! I didn't put my fucking tarp on. god, I'm so fucking mad --- I am TERRIFIED to go to the vessel. she's probably floating in her own water.
omg. and mold. I am deathly allergic to mold. all I need is to drive around in a fucking allergen.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:15 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
he vomited again this morning. so much for trying to save a few dollars and buying him tuna on sale. gaaaaaaaaaaahd. clearly he doesn't have a budget belly. oh joy for Katie.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:40 AM
I think honeymoons should be called, moons of honey.
I also think weddings should be called guiltings.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 9:39 AM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 7:14 PM
today when louie and I went to the pet store to score some treats. I was all hopped up on frustration and angst. big time.
he asked for my signature, the clerk, you know. I signed. he said, "thank you, MRS. SCHWARTZ."
I shamefully wailed, "I'm not a MRS. and I don't want to be a MRS. I don't want to get married. it's not for me. I don't have to be a MRS. to afford treats for my dog. I can do it all by myself. and I can't BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD JUST HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CALL ME MRS."
he turned red.
the customer behind him; his jaw dropped.
I glared at him and said, "that doesn't mean I'm a lesbian, ya know."
before skulking away, I said, "let's pretend none of this happened!"
I am soooooo ashamed....
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 4:11 PM
deadman. great music. super mudfuckeree. you can just feel the hempseeds.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:55 AM
going super big potty can be quite a disappointment if things don't come out the way you want them too.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:54 AM
I was looking at my reflection in the mirror and I have way too much face. where did my cheekbones go?
last night, I bought weight watchers ice cream bars -- yeah, clearly I won't be doing that again. I ate the entire box.
I also think I had a conversation with someone at 4am. I don't remember. I talk in my sleep. let's hope she, me, didn't divulge any secrets.
my sister's wedding is in 10 days. I'm still fat.
her bachelorette party is this saturday night.
Posted by Katie Schwartz at 10:47 AM