Sunday, November 02, 2008

Adventures in Repubtardism

Courtesy of the great Randal Graves, PALIN PUNKED! Prank Call with Fake French President Sarkozy.

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The Perfect American Family

I want to feel proud to be an American again. To me, the Obama family represents the best of America. He has got to win on Tuesday, November 4th. I kvell and get the chills every time I see pictures of them. Win, baby, win!

God Save The Queens

BEST OBAMA POSTER EVAH. Halloween night in WeHo.

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Is This Cunty?

The non-sequitur post from hell.

If I was paying for an opinion, I'd fill out a survey or log into a Dr. Phil forum, or ask a friend.

When I check-out at a store, all I want to be asked is, cash, credit or check?

"Should you really be buying pretzels", wholey Foods clerkcunt asks. Between us, Glutino Pretzels are gluten/vegan free noshies ta'die for, and one of the greatest organic, diet worthy, health conscious foods created. Not to be eaten every day, but if you want to feel like you're having a real snack on a Saturday afternoon or whenever, they're delish.

Back to clerkcunt. "How is the food I buy any of your business?" I asked. "I see you in here a lot and you always buy fresh veggies and fruit. I assumed you were on a diet. Why sabotage yourself?"

I walked right over to a manager and said, "Your clerk is stalking me." After explaining what happened, he apologized. We walked back over to clerkcunt. The manager said "Apologize to our customer. Customers buy whatever they want. If she wants to make bad food choices, that's her responsibility, not ours."

"YOU CALL THAT AN APOLOGY?!" I screamed. "You and your fucking store clerk can suck my ovaries, lick the urine from the folds of my labia and rim my pre-showered asshole." (It was 7AM, it seemed like a logical response.)

They offered to give me my groceries for free. In this economy, I should've accepted. Instead, I chose never to go back to that Whole Foods again. I've banned how many WF's now? The shame.

Maybe I'm overly sensitivo at my current weight. I really don't know. Here's how I feel about the matter: Fuck their eyeballs with salty cum. Spiders should screw each other's brains out inside their nostrils and line their sinuses with spidey babyballs before exiting. They should shit slugs, worms and scabies.

The scent wafting from scented candles gets stuck in your neck if you burn while sleeping. So gross. Never burning a scented candle again, Illume or other. Not. Going. To. Happen.

Space trash the size of a refrigerator is careening towards earth and scheduled to arrive in the Earth's atmosphere late Sunday. A year and a half ago, an astronaut tossed it overboard.

"NASA and the U.S. Space Surveillance Network are tracking the object - a 1,400-pound tank of toxic ammonia coolant thrown from the International Space Station - to make sure it does not endanger people on Earth. Exactly where the tank will inevitably fall is currently unknown, though it is expected to re-enter Earth's atmosphere Sunday afternoon or later that evening, NASA officials said." Let me make sure I understand this. A toxic ammonia coolant is watching the object speed towards earth to make sure it doesn't endanger us, but they are clueless about where it's going to land. Ah, now I get it. Right. Makes perfect sense. Moving along.

"This has got a very low likelihood that anybody will be impacted by it," said Mike Suffredini, NASA's space station program manager, in an interview. "But still, it is a large object and pieces will enter and we just need to be cautious. If anybody found a piece of anything on the ground Monday morning, I would hope they wouldn't get too close to it," Suffredini said. Suffredini, are you fucktarded? Did you miss Creepshow?

"As a matter of course, we don't throw things overboard haphazardly," Suffredini said. "We have a policy that has certain criteria we have to meet before you can throw something overboard." Really? You sure about that? Cause it sounds a whole lot like toxic ammonia coolant is a no-no and shouldn't have been discarded. "Oops." Isn't really going to cut it, sweetie.

My sister made a great point about Halloween. She went trick-or-treating with friends and their loin fruit. She said, "We teach our kids never to talk to talk to strangers or eat candy from a stranger, or enter their residence. On Halloween, we take them out to do that very thing. So weird."

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