Monday, January 08, 2007

does leewee masturbate?

I feel like she doesn't. it kind of bothers me. fear not, I have a plan:

leewee, here's a masturbation-sex meemish that I wrote just for you. however, you are free to tag a few of our fearless soldierettes.

1. did you lose your virginity to steve cauble or jesus christ?

2. did you masturbate to jesus or another high school crush?

3. have you ever masturbated?

4. if so, do you recall the age and whether or not you had an orgasm?

5. was it vaginal or clitoral?

6. what is the best way to reach a woman's g-spot, and does it involve any "hymns"?

7. do you masturbate weekly, monthly or just on special occasions?

8. do you have a vibrator, a dildo or a shame-o (you know, a homemade vadge ride)?

9. do you feel dirty after you masturbate? if so, how do you cleanse? do you use a special talc?

10. what's your favorite porn? bush christmas or it came upon the midnight clear?

13 comments:

Al Sensu said...

Phew...for a moment I thought you wrote "hymens."

Coaster Punchman said...

Thanks for brightening yet another morning!

Anonymous said...

Boy, has that righteous bitch put a bug fair up the Schwartz Sphincter. I love it!

If we are going to interrogate Lisa on her self abuse history (and lets face it, she ain’t gonna call it self-pleasuring; for god’s children friggin’ the love button can only ever be considered abuse), we need only look at old episodes of the Facts of Life. Lisa probably found god the moment she discovered Nancy McKeon using a chromed motorbike part to work out her third climax of the morning in the ladies room on set. That being the case, I feel comfortable suggesting the following responses:

1. did you lose your virginity to steve cauble or jesus christ?
Neither. Charlotte Rae held me down and one of those black rent a studs who they rolled out as Tootie’s boyfriend, did me on the table in the kitchen set one night after shooting was done.

2. did you masturbate to jesus or another high school crush?
No, but I call his name out every time I come.

3. have you ever masturbated?
Come on! Does a bear shit in the woods? Am I still getting royalties from that crappy TV show I did twenty years ago? Hell yes.

4. if so, do you recall the age and whether or not you had an orgasm?
My minister has told me that female orgasms are evil, and the devil’s work, created to make women promiscuous. Well that what he said after he got me off three times in a row, anyway.

5. was it vaginal or clitoral?
Hell, no, it was anal!

6. what is the best way to reach a woman's g-spot, and does it involve any "hymns"?
Hymn. Her. I don’t give a shit who is pushing my button – if they know how to do the driving, I don’t mind who’s at the wheel.

7. do you masturbate weekly, monthly or just on special occasions?
Well I have a callous on the top of my index finger…

8. do you have a vibrator, a dildo or a shame-o (you know, a homemade vadge ride)?
Vibrators are the devil’s work. Being a macrobiotic vegan, chilled cucumbers are my ride of choice.

9. do you feel dirty after you masturbate? if so, how do you cleanse? do you use a special talc?
Feel dirty? Hell, I look and smell dirty. Only a good irrigation gets rid of that sort of funk. In fact, for a while there, I was thinking of naming my kids “Summer” and “Eve”.

10. what's your favorite porn? bush christmas or it came upon the midnight clear?
Well you know my husband has such a big collection. I kinda like “Mary had a little ram” but if push came to shove, I could go past “Bukakke girls” or my fisting favourite “Extreme Sex XXV: The Search for Seiko”

Anonymous said...

Yeh hey! Good on ya MJ for answering this tag. Why does SHE get all the fun?

Tell me she's reading your blog. It will make my day!

Anonymous said...

What is with blair's daughter off the shoulder slut dress?

I am almost ready to make her jailbait of the week for that.

But my "jailbait" series was supposed to be about of age girls who look young.

Just thought I'd drop by give you a few creepy thoughts for the day.

Love Romius

Anonymous said...

I just read that wench's blog. Is it just me, or does her husband seem to "be away on business" a hell of a lot? I think Lisa ought to hire those upstand folk at "Cheaters" just to make sure he's not spreading the "christmas cheer" into distant pastures...

katie schwartz said...

sensu, hymen is a dirty word. I would never ever use such a dirty word on my blog.

katie schwartz said...

mount joy, I LOVE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW. you are deliriously sick and perfect. I screamed. cried. howled. peed a little even reading your comment. oh my god, too funny.

katie schwartz said...

honey dip! how are you, sweet cheeks.

isn't mount joy's response HYSTERICAL!

leewee has not surfaced as of yet. I think she views me as the anti-christ or maybe the devils work? not sure. do we know?

katie schwartz said...

romius, you are so wrong on so many levels. you simply must stop by more often!

katie schwartz said...

mount joy, he doesn't cheat on her, heavens no. he just sucks the odd cock that just HAPPENS to slip into a random glory hole here and there. that's hardly cheating!

Anonymous said...

I've said that for years Katie. Having sex with one guy doesn't make you gay. Maybe its not even gay sex.

I pretty much think that sex with blair is like sex with a guy though.

I bet she fucks all selfish like.

katie schwartz said...

really romius? I get the sense that she lays flat on her back, spreads her legs and turns her head to the side, whispering, "do it quickly, please. I have souls to save and a book to write."

 

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