Friday, December 28, 2007

And How was Your Day, Katie?

On Friday, I was so fuckin’ angry I wished I had a penis. No, I don’t have penis envy. Friday, though. Friday, I wanted a penis, so I could say “SUCK MY MOTHAH’ FUCKIN’ DICK”, to everyone. I wanted to march myself out into the world in groin clutching, crotch enhancing man jeans, grabbing my dick at the speed of light, screaming at the top of my lungs. That’s how I angry I was.

If I could’ve thrown every piece of glass and ceramic I own against the wall so hard that I would’ve felt the reverberating debris inside my womb, I would’ve. I wanted to watch it all crumble into a gazillion little pieces onto the floor. I don’t think I could’ve screamed as loudly as I wanted to, but I sure as shit wanted to try.

The health care system in this country isn’t fucked up, it’s a diseaseapalooza.

Doctor’s secretary, we’ll call her Spawn of Satan says, “Take this new medication. If you have side-effects and feel sick, call.” Katie asks, “What side-effects should I look for? Can you describe what feeling sick means?” Spawn of says, “I don’t know. You’d have to ask the doctor.”

Hmm… Doctor’s on vacation until the end of the first week of January and doesn’t have a handy-dandy-sidekick, so who the fuck do you suggest I call if I have side-effects?! Jesus? It is the holidays. Maybe he’ll make an appearance if I’m desperate. Or should I call 911? What’s the split on that dosage? 99/1? If I’m short, how about some thirty-something ovum? I’m sure a recovered crack whore and her city hall husband, Monty, would be none too pleased to have a thirty-something Jew egg. What would be more insulting I wonder, the “Jew” or the “thirty-something?”

Fuck.Fuck.Motherfuck.Fuck. Fuck them with a fine tooth comb covered in lice and crabs. Fuck their eyeballs with searing hot, multi-colored toothpicks. Fuck their noses with impregnated-ready-to-pop black widow spiders.


Anonymous said...

I know this isn't the response you might be looking for, but nobody does angry funnier than you.

Sorry for you ordeal, but shit, you make me laugh. Hard.

bizQuirk said...

There's always the PDR Schwartzie!

bizQuirk said...

Katie you can call me 24 /7 for drug info! I will share.

Anonymous said...


And what is wrong with:


Chaylene said...

bilious pudenda couldn't have said it better.

Better yet, "LICK MY MOTHAH' FUCKIN' BILIOUS PUDENDA" has a nice ring to it.

Who's ass do I need to kick for makin' you blue? Just say the word and I'll be there with a switchblade.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"I wanted a penis, so I could say “SUCK MY MOTHAH’ FUCKIN’ DICK”

A lesbian that said it before "G.I. Jane" and Demi Moore didn't let them stop that from saying it.

Hang in there.

FranIAm said...

Oh Kateleh- was a fucking mess. I am so sorry to hear this shit.

They can suck MY MOTHA FUCKIN DICK too.

We may not have them, but they can suck them.

Fuckers. I am so sorry.

John said...

I agree about the healthcare system (you know what I am in the middle of thanks to my healthcare visit). Yea!!!


Al Sensu said...

I wish someone would suck my dick.

Bubs said...

Hey, Katie, you want me to beat someone up? Or break something? Cause I think I owe you, and it sounds like you could use it.

Ms Smack said...

Ok, that's really really bad. Can you make an appointment with another doctor to discuss side effects while your regular doc is away?

I think 'suck my clit' is actually more affective than 'suck my dick'

If you use it before the end of Jan, in a sentence, I will too!

Can you research side effects online in the mean time?

Fucking system. I didn't realise it was so bad over there.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Send me her number, I'll tell the bitch to suck my dick for you.

Madam Z said...

I know this is too late to help, but I'm sending you my sympathy. I hope you're all better now. I also hope you followed Ms. Smack's excellent advice and looked up the med on the Internet. I ALWAYS check on-line before I take any of the shit they shove across the counter at me.


P.S. Great anger rant!

dguzman said...

I've been screaming for people to suck my dick since about 1994, and my not having one has never stopped me. Just shout it out, Katie, loud and proud. Let THEM wonder what dick you're talking about.

Amy Guth said...

Dude, right? So much ahhj. I dream of Canadian healthcare. In the meantime, yeah, our healthcare system can suck my not-real junk, too.


design by