and now for... ffartkisaf

I am joining the legions of bloggers with a queer ass friday thing, but I'm an aquarius, so I'm posting it on saturday's.

welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.

1: waking up with an ant infested vagina
ants freak me out. they're highly organized and travel in massive packs. what if pussy juice is a delicacy in the ant world but nobody talks about it?! underwear isn't protection enough and we all know that. tights or nylons are my best bet for keeping my vadgey safe at night when I can't monitor what gets in and what gets out. though I might get a yeast infection, it's comforting to know that I won't wake up with ants swarming my lips and racing in and out of my v-canal.

2: waking up to an army of spider babies spilling out of one of my ears
I know the urban myth about a broad waking up and finding what appears to be a giant zit on her face. squeezing it and FREAKING OUT because of the army of vigilante spider babies pouring out. I'm not stupid. of course that's fake! it doesn't even make sense. what schmuck isn't going to notice a spider burrowing into her face for fuck sake?!

for me it's a two-fold issue: the idea of spiders using my ear like a 1950's make out lane to have reckless, unprotected sex because that's plenty disturbing and you know it. but, even worse is the fear of spiders loving my ear so much, they use it as a birth canal for their spawn. not only is that a vile thought, it's creepy and rude!

Comments

Writeprocrastinator said…
Perfectly rational fears in a way and before anybody says different, think about how you flinch when you see something skitter on by on the periphery of your vision.

As cockroaches, mice, rats, junkies, and crackheads are par for the course at some of my work sites (because they come out mostly at night) I'm somewhat inured to them. But every once in awhile, they still manage to startle me.

It's that instinct that goes all the way back to when we were kicking it in caves...
11:18 AM
Amy Guth said…
If you are an Aquarius, that means you have a birthday soonish, no?

What will we do to celebrate in the blogosphere?
8:58 PM
Anonymous said…
Now I'll dream of creepy crawlies. But it's better than the Barbie nightmares.

Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. Your blog is a scream! It's a breath of jewey air for us ex-pats in the Deep South.
9:29 PM
Anonymous said…
Now I'll dream of creepy crawlies. But it's better than the Barbie nightmares.

Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. Your blog is a scream! It's a breath of jewey air for us ex-pats in the Deep South.
9:29 PM
Anonymous said…
Now I'll dream of creepy crawlies. But it's better than the Barbie nightmares.

Thanks for adding me to your blogroll. Your blog is a scream! It's a breath of jewey air for us ex-pats in the Deep South.
9:30 PM
Katie Schwartz said…
oh shit, wp, that's funny in a most uncomfortable way!
7:23 PM
Katie Schwartz said…
why yes it is aimish. when is your birthday?
7:24 PM
Katie Schwartz said…
dcup, you're a broad after my own heart. we share the "at birth" busty thing. your blog is quite fabulous, too, my dear. thank you for adding me!!!
7:25 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SPEAKING OF ABORTIONS

Image
Menses just commenced. It's 1:14 AM. I was asleep. That felt good. At 12:24, I popped up. I think I'm awake, maybe awakeish is more accurate. I'm always surprised when those handy-soapy-foamy-bottles run out of soap. For some lame ass reason, it never occurs to me that they ever will. They feel so lifetime supply , even though the bottles aren't more than 8 inches tall. Similarly, when I flip on a light switch and the light flickers to its death, I think "Now what?" Duh, schmuckette, you change the fucking light bulb . Intellectually, I know this, yet for some odd reason, it never comes to mind. In fact, a few years ago, my mother walked into my house and said, "Why aren't the lights working?" I said "I don't know, I flick the switch and they don't work." After a fit of uproarious laughter, she said, "Would it kill you to change the light bulb?” Hmmm. "No", I shamefully responded. I wonder why... it is that I hav...
Read more

Best Spam Evaaaaaaaaaaah -UPDATE-

Image
Look what I found in my box today?! Aside from the fact that I'm a VADGE and there is a glaring typo " fie" instead of " fine" , they've made this dame a raging cunt- hate that (and her high, tight rack. Bitch ). Women don't behave this way. Women aren't cunty. Women don't emasculate men. That is not how we roll, yo. UPDATE : From the fabulous and flawless MonkeyMucker : Actually hon that's not a typo. the word "fie" is a somewhat rare wordthat is used to denote scorn or used in place of a swear or curse word.It was more popular in the old days, like say during the 16th thru 19th centuries . Who knew?! I had no idea. Simianboy, you're a wealth of knowledge. Grazie. Penis enlargement patches also do not work. If you want to keep your junk intact, don't be stickin' things in it, or on it that can damage the meat bat. Don't let anyone make you feel badly about your manhood, either. It's your dick, live it. Love it....
Read more

Get Listen Up

Image
Have you seen the infomercial for Get Listen Up ? I thought the idea of a product that turns "Ordinary hearing into Extroidinary hearing" was too camp for words. In the mersh, a hospitable narrator takes you through all kinds of folks using it in church, hunting, watching television, listening to your spawn on the playground, all doable, right? Right. I was sold, too. Until.... my friendly narrator lady said "Listen to what your neighbors are saying about you." Okay, creeparella, how very big brother. Watch the mersh . Doreen sent me a kick ass, smart ass article this week in the NY Times called, " Skin Deep - Hey, Mom, the Rabbi Approved my Tattoo ". Speaking of Diva Doreen, I finished her flawless, brilliant book Queen of the Road (it's tits to the tenth, children) and she's graciously allowed me to interview her. I'll be posting that this week and you will love every word. Frannylish sent me, in her words an "oy gevalt" article ...
Read more