chanukah blog tour 5767

the enormously talented and wonderful amy guth, author of three fallen women has invited 36 jewish bloggers to participate in a most festive chanukah blog tour. she sent her heebs a list of 8 questions representing the 8 nights of chanukah. so much fun! thanks for thinking of me, amers. you're a honey squared. happy hanukah or chanukah!

Breathe. a quick intro yarn and the games begin because if I’m going to pay homage to Hanukah, I’m going to do it right. Capisce?!

Hanukah is my grandmother Helen Schwartz’s holiday. She was the greatest love of my life. She taught me how to make her great-great grandmother’s latkes. she always said that when you make latkes if you don’t bleed a little, they aren't made with love. between the peeling and the grating, please, latkes scream love!

Walking into her house during Hanukah was coming home. The smell of frying latkes, sour cream, fresh apple sauce, wax burning from the celebration of lights and loud voices, each outranking the other. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

I absolutely love being Jewish (queer ass as that sounds).

Moving right along…

1. Quick! You must turn a plate of latkes into an upscale gourmet delight (as if they aren't already?). What would you add to them to dress them up, flavor and/or garnish them?

Like many of my fellow heeblettes, I want a homemade, heart attack worthy latke doused in sour cream and applesauce; including the goojshies… you know the goojshies.

I’ve co-prepared and shared, down home southern soul food meets Hanukah latkes. Brooklyn Italian ziti with a latke back. Venezuelan black beans and fried plantains with latkes.

That’s about as gourmet as I could go and the latkes I made were always traditional.

There’s nothing like a traditional latke grated by hand. Nothing. How could you not love/hate the feeling of egg, grated onions and potatoes and matzo meal sticking to your fingers?! And, that shtunk of oil, it just permeates your walls for weeks and months on end. It infiltrates your skin for god sake. You walk down the street and old Jewish men with ancient balls are swarming you. It’s a wicked aphrodisiac and probably a mating call in ft. lauderdale.

2. What is the dumbest thing you've ever heard anyone say about Chanukah?

Oh, wow, I had no idea your people invented candles. I thought it was just bagels.

TRUE STORY. I thought I would die. My head cocked to the side and I looked at her with the most sinful grin.

My other favorite was when a guy asked me if hanukah was the holiday we have sex through a hole in a sheet.

Just when we fuck goyum, I said.

3. What's the best possible use for olive oil?

I am an olive oil whore! I love it. I use olive oil in everything. tapenades, homemade cornmeal crust pizza, when I sauté or roast any veggies.

The best use of olive oil is to remove any piece of jewelry, un-screw something that's stuck or anything that's wedged. It works like a dream!

4. Settle it once and for all. Latkes or hammentaschen? Which to you prefer? What about pitting the winner of that contest against sufganiyot?

Latkes, hands down. there is no contest. But, I love, love, love, LOVE sufganiyot. They are the dreamiest fat pellets from heaven. The ideal meal for schwartz would be latkes with a sufganiyot back. Delish squared.

5. What's the best way to mix up a game of dreidel?

Invite goyum and tell them it’s the Jewish version of twister and play on a twister sheet. It’s hilarious.

6. My novel, Three Fallen Women, shockingly enough, is about the three women. Which three women would you like to have over this year for latkes and why?

A latke fest with gloria steinem, adrienne rich and nora ephron would be tits to the tenth power! I respect and admire these women tremendously. they each have such a strong point of view. I love their work. it would be like a 60s beatnik revival. We’d drink wine. Smoke cigarettes. Wear black, and bash the bush administration. It would be fabulous!

7. Other than Three Fallen Women (har har), what book do you think would make a great Chanukah gift this year? What book would you like to receive as a gift this year?

everyone should own a copy of three fallen women. another book I love to give, especially to the lads is, a mind of its own, a cultural history of the penis. A book I would love to receive this year would be, the play goes on by neil simon. I’ve been meaning to get it but haven’t.

8. What bloggers didn't participate in Chanukah Blog Tour 5767 and you think should have?

off the top of my head, a big jewish blog: one of the contributors is norman finkelstein and he just feels like that cousin.