Katie Schwartz

happy new year! have fun. be safe. have a healthy, prosperous and festive new year. love, jewgirl & jewcifer

he'll get impeached this year. a girl can dream...

the bitch's blog is one-year old today. can you stand it?! prior to having a blog, I really didn't get the whole blog thing. don't judge. don't be vile to fehatty. last year at this time, crionaberry encouraged me to start a blog. ok, she hocked me and I'm so damn glad she did! thank you darling crionaberry. who knew a blog would be such a laugh and a half or that I would make such festive blog friends?! BUT, I HAVE!!! it's been super festive squared. I really appreciate everyone I've had the privilege of meeting, reading and shmoozing with. thanks for letting me be a venomous snatch on wheels. making me laugh my fat ass off. making me think. and being all around good natured, INSIGHTFUL e-stalk and blog buddies. hugs-kisses-and blow jobs (for good measure), cuntsteinowitz

darlings... d-cup, another favorite blog read, has spun a fab yarn all about jorge's gayness .

crionaberry give me the url for wee mee's. it's so retarded and camp, you must run now and create a wee mee .

welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays. 1. I keep having the strangest dreams, that just above my diaphram (not of the bc variety), I have a giant burser that could be misconstrued as a third tit. so, what have I done, well, I'll tell you, I've FREAKED MYSELF OUT to the point of trying to find those cancer sniffing dogs to be 100% certain these are not foreshadowing dreams. so far, no luck. 2. that I will get fired. it's a running theme in my life, and was my gig of choice in 04'. who am I to break with tradition. I realize there's a new year on the horizon, and as much as I'd love to give up certain neuroses, it feels forced and cliche. + we've bonded. we're tight. why give up something so near and dear to my heart?! ps: I just realized that #2 covered two fears. that makes this a three fear week. not bad, schwartzy. in all honesty, if I actually wrote about each fear I had in a week, we're talking th...

romius self help , a favorite blog read, posted about a chick with a double vadge . it's so god damned funny. tragic, right? perhaps not. it reads super fetish. check out his yarn about the twins.

it's the cauble family crotchmas letter . don't worry, people, I emailed her and reminded her that the christmas theme colors are red and green, NOT red and black.

as many of you know, I email blair for guidance and to comment on some of her unsavory, anti-christian posts. if she is going to truly represent the body of christ, I expect puritanical zealotry! she never responds, but she's really busy. I'm sure she will one day, and on that day the skys will part and the light will shine on me. I dropped her a line today, you know, to check in. here's the email I sent: hey lees: how's it going? did you and the caubles have a good CHRISTmas? whadya's do? I'm sure it was a big ol' nog fest, huh? did you go to church? I didn't see you there. not that I was there, but I have spies. I'm in the loop. you're not the only broad with a mainline to the big j. I went for chinese and a movie. nothing special. don't worry, I won't admit anything . I hope you know you can email me back. you won't be like damned to hell or anything. hey, do you and steve have CHRISTmas sex? what's the rule on that? do we kno...

if you haven't been following the virgil yarn, check it out, along with fifth dimensions comments! mxyzptlk: Virgil B Baade

today it occured to me that mary supposedly died a virgin. if it were any other dame, there isn't one broad hopped up on orgams who's heart wouldn't break for her. so, why don't we feel bad for the virgin mary? she never got the penetration, the finger fucking, the fondling, the oral gratification, not one grand finale and poof she's knocked up and donchya know, dead. is giving birth to jesus enough of a reward? shouldn't we feel badly for her? where's the moment of silence for mary's virginity? I for one am extremely blue about the fact that nobody bent mary over and fucked her like a whore because lemme tell ya something, it's a fabulous feeling. every girl should try it, whether she's a straighty or a lezzie. would jesus have been considered a dirty bird and less of a god if he was created out of intercourse? other babies aren't, so what gives? I don't know. I just don't know. but it's givin me ahj.

this is so wrong on every single level. tori and dean on their love "We sat on a bench overlooking the lake and I gave Tori her last Christmas present" – an antique platinum ring with an Edwardian oval-shaped sapphire from Neil Lane. "I'd wrapped the ring in a much bigger box, and as soon as she opened the ring box I asked her to marry me again. It was very romantic and magical ." Spelling adds that as soon as McDermott proposed, "I immediately started crying and said 'Yes! Again and again and again!' What made it so special was the notion that a year ago when he proposed, the thought of having a baby together was just in our hearts, and now our baby boy that we created from our love is nestled in my belly ." I'm not sure what creeps me out the most, the fact that she said they made the baby from their love or the fact that they are procreating. thoughts?

Take the poll Free Poll by Blog Flux like I said, queer ass poll.

this is like the season finale for your people. the season finale for my people is october, yom kippur. so, have yourselves a super beautiful christmas . here's something highly entertaining I found over at a favorite blog read of mine, into the sunrise , soy makes you gay !

when I'm a blue jew, god sends me to coffee talk with blair. she's very encouraging that blair, even with her lackeys. she's also graciously implemented a strict don't ask don't tell policy for jews. THANK GOD! anywho... I am very confused about this week's journal entry, the mom time christmas party . there are a lot of anti-christian sentiments that are of great concern to me. I sent her an email last night for some clarity and guidance about it. I'm still waiting to hear back, but I'm filled with the spirit of jesus so it's not like I'm freaking out or anything. dear warnsey: get it? no?! lees, c'mon, facts of life nickname! happy CHRISTmas. you must be like so excited! the season finale is finally here. too cool. I read this week's journal entry, about the mom time annual christmas party at the mall. you gals really seemed to whoop it up doing the, eat like a scavenger hunt game you worked SO hard on. I guess my evite got lost ...

one drunken evening, miss nevada exposed her boobies and her high tight (bitch) ass. gave a lil head. noshed on some mock pussy. sucked a lil' tittie, and she's lost her miss nevada title because of it?! hmm. the ambiance and the lighting might be different, but it's still the miss usa pageant. so, what the fuck? even more disturbing, miss nevada is apologizing for her behavior. she has no business apologizing. she's done nothing wrong. we live and we learn. she's positioning herself as a cautionary tale for your young girls. and, do you know what her messages are, be careful because you never know who might take your picture. honey, please! she was so far up that camera's ass, she was belching film. missy nevada is also apologizing for her behavior, saying it was reckless. question, the drinking or not videotaping the millionth installation of tales of sapphic sororities ? here's what really offends me, the drug lord that is miss usa is deserving of a s...

been thinkin' see, bout' a new blog name and address. help me decide. stay with katie schwartz or go for one of these (available, so don't even think about boosting) camp names: jewtawkintame : jew tawkin ta me jewdish : jew dish yojew : yo jew supjewgirl : sup jew girl superjewgirl : super jew girl heeblette : heeblette allthingsjewish : all things jewish gotjew : got jew

welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak.... but on saturdays. 1. I am terrified of becoming incontinent and anally incontinent. my grandmother, mary's uterus got bored one day and decided to trip the light fantastic by making a grand entrance into the world on my watch. was it traumatizing? you have to ask?! one of the signs that you and your womb are about to have a sans consent "meet and greet" is incontinence. I over kegel myself into an inappropriate frenzy. still, I panic about it. though I've never had a face to colon, I worry about it for obvious reasons, and being forced into a colostomy handbag. it's just an accessory I'm not super keen on. ok, more like terrified of. 2. swollen eyelids I worry that my eyelids will be swollen forever and that they will never go down. I'm told another year or two, but it's already been a year and a half. though they aren't as swollen as they were, they're still swollen. I hate...

the enormously talented and wonderful amy guth , author of three fallen women has invited 36 jewish bloggers to participate in a most festive chanukah blog tour . she sent her heebs a list of 8 questions representing the 8 nights of chanukah. so much fun! thanks for thinking of me, amers. you're a honey squared. happy hanukah or chanukah! Breathe. a quick intro yarn and the games begin because if I’m going to pay homage to Hanukah, I’m going to do it right. Capisce?! Hanukah is my grandmother Helen Schwartz’s holiday. She was the greatest love of my life. She taught me how to make her great-great grandmother’s latkes. she always said that when you make latkes if you don’t bleed a little, they aren't made with love. between the peeling and the grating, please, latkes scream love! Walking into her house during Hanukah was coming home. The smell of frying latkes, sour cream, fresh apple sauce, wax burning from the celebration of lights and loud voices, each outranking the other. ...

run, don't walk: church sign generator . emailing lisa welchel right now.

I never get sick. seriously. never. ok. maybe once a year. maybe. but that's it. what I just had. holy shit. I have hit my lifetime sick quota. two weeks ago I got a head cold. fever. took a z-pack and rested. I was feeling much better until tuesday , a day after menses began. welllll... I just got my ass and stomach kicked by a flu that bent me over and left me for dead until today. I have never felt so sick in my life. I have never begged to be removed from my body until I got this flu. I never EVER want to go through this again. it was life changing. how strange is that? who knew a flu had such power. maybe it's just post flu blues. who knows. I had a fever of 102-103. every orifice felt gang banged by 10 gnomes, 12 elves, 3 sleighs and 50 trolls. after 4 failed soposotires, I called my doctor on wednesday night BEGGING HER for an anti-nausea drug. with insurance 175 = 9 pills. thank god for insurance because without it, it would've cost 700 for 9 pills. amazing. scary,...

my menses has begun. I am experiencing hostage worthy cramps and have a heating pad strapped to my lower back. I'm taking pain medeys. I'm nauseas. headachey. I'm retaining enough water to cure a fucking drought. and, I feel as ugly as fat sally . with all of that, I remain grateful that I am menstruating. every month I receive this bill is a month I celebrate. riback , are you thrilled for me?

the contents of my desk... lewch asked and who am I to deny?! I've tagged him o' plenty. I am tagging a plenty, too. it's a good meem because I'm a nosy bitch. I'll do the home desk versus the work desk because it's far more interesting. my work desk, you know, at my job, well that's just dull squared. let me just say, I don't have a proper desk. I have a giant table in my kitchen. I can't have a proper desk. it gives me agida. I can't write on something so proper. it makes me uncomfortable. I have to be able to lay on my table. sit on my table. sit on a chair in front of my table. see my couch. I can't feel stuck or trapped. I'm a freak. deal. 1950s better homes and gardens cookbook . I can't tell you how much this inspires me. it's just so camp. I love it. the language. the images. the recipes. what doesn't make me nauseas, which most of it does, makes me scream. two sex books, one from the 1940s and another from the 1920s ...

oh, I seriously need to score some whale vomit. 18K here I come! go, whale vomit .

watch 60 minutes tonight ! Revisiting The Horrors Of The Holocaust Millions Of Nazi Documents Are Being Made Available To The Public (CBS) One man holds his fate in his hands: a list of inmates — his name among them, but crossed off — who were sent to a notorious slave labor camp few ever emerged from. Another holds the very card he signed as a teenager upon his entry to a concentration camp. A third sees a form the Nazis created to track the mail he never received in Buchenwald because the rest of his family had already been murdered at Auschwitz. All three Holocaust survivors are viewing for the first time the records the Nazis meticulously kept on them and 17 million other victims of Hitler's Third Reich. Their stories and other revelations from the secret archives previously closed for 60 years are part of correspondent Scott Pelley's report , this Sunday, Dec. 17, at 7 p.m. ET/PT on 60 Minutes. post it on your blog!

I am joining the legions of bloggers with a queer ass friday thing, but I'm an aquarius, so I'm posting it on saturday's. welcome to, friday's fears and reminder that katie is a freak. 1: waking up with an ant infested vagina ants freak me out. they're highly organized and travel in massive packs. what if pussy juice is a delicacy in the ant world but nobody talks about it?! underwear isn't protection enough and we all know that. tights or nylons are my best bet for keeping my vadgey safe at night when I can't monitor what gets in and what gets out. though I might get a yeast infection, it's comforting to know that I won't wake up with ants swarming my lips and racing in and out of my v-canal. 2: waking up to an army of spider babies spilling out of one of my ears I know the urban myth about a broad waking up and finding what appears to be a giant zit on her face. squeezing it and FREAKING OUT because of the army of vigilante spider babies pouring ou...

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alsense tagged me. I was sick. flu with a sinus infection back. really hot. everybody cum! al, forgive me. after hitting vocab's blog tonight, I was reminded of the tag. I am now fulfilling my tagbligations as you have so generously done for me on a million occasions. This tag has rules. pay attention 1. Each player of this game starts with the “6 weird things about you”. 2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. 3. At the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says “you are tagged” in their comments and tell them to read your blog. :--0 1. I am not a hypochondriac. I fear death. there is a difference. so, I write eulogies. incessantly. shamelessly. about myself. the people I love. whenever I am more terrified than usual about the peel factor, I eulogize myself into a heated frenzy. 2. I get distracted way too easily when I masturbate. my mind goes...

when I was a kid, I asked my dad if fat men had penises. I asked because I couldn't see them. what I can't figure out is if peni recognition at such a young age means I was molested or intuitive. hmm. something new to ponder and hopefully obsess about.

love this man. he's fabulous. must be a real yoga enthusiast. the other day I found my neighbor standing in the hallway talking on the phone and peeing in a cup. I briskly walked by. he turned his back. like that's really going to help at that point?! after I walked by him, he said, sorry about that. I said, what do I care. you're not peeing in my cup. knock yourself out. pee in every corner of the building. I really don't care. I think I'm becoming desensitized or I've truly stopped caring. either way, my life is a mess.

I have a neighbor. he's a dick. very cliche and pretentious. drives a convertible. struts himself around the block around evening time, toting his pussy-should-be-at-the-end-of-a-mop, dog, smoking a cigar twice his size. he's a bit of a mini me. works out to glisten. he's all about steamed chicken, veggies and maintaining his mini lean man physique. I'm sure I'm the anti-christ to him. he probably thinks if he stares at me too long he'll catch fat. I should send him a letter telling him it's not contagious, but I prefer when he quickly looks away. yesterday morning we were both getting into our cars at the same time. I had jewcifer with me and in the creepiest fucking tone, he said, he's your buddy, isn't he? I thought, eww. that is so porn and so wrong. I said, no more than your dog is your buddy. he looked surprised. I raised an eyebrow and said, the way you said that was creepy. sorry. but, it was. as if. louie is my son. I know divorce lawyers. b...

after getting a gazillion viagra and plaxo comments, I realized it was time to turn on comment verification. I am most blue about this. I don't know why it bothers me so much. could be the cold medicine. maybe I'm a big ol' overly sensitive whoremoan at the mineee. am I pms'ng?! if I am, I know mister mister will be most pleased.

I read somewhere that someone asked her publicist if the monies raised were going to charity and the publicist said, no. the money goes to tori. I imagine mama candy is so angry that she's actually making facial expressions!

like father like son. copping a feel, and so young. two christmas queens in a pod. december 9th journal entry:: the busy guide's mom to bible study + early family CHRIST mas photos. read it. it will affirm your love for blair. tools for digging: write it down and walk it out. paralell translations. original languages .

lewch mentioned that my, yarn to spin , post might've made things sound super tragic. that is not the case. I would hate for anyone to think anything deathy is taking place. so I wanted to give a quick update. nobody peeled. thank god. bad cold. fever. step drunk drama. it's all good. working on an essay to post. but, I got sick so I wasn't able to finish it. tomorrow is a new day and I'm on antibiotics :). hope everyone's weekend is grand.

sigh. I will be back later with one hell of a yarn to spin. really. come back.

I'm having an angry day. I feel angry, don't I? I look angry, right? the rage is just oozing out of my snatch faster than the speed of light. I don't even have my menses or a yeast infection so what gives?! more later. loving.fehatty. ps: new word, snatchtastic

thanksgiving at blair's ... epic.

this administration is truly fucked. it's a hell of a hannukah gift! read excerpts from this article. Rumsfeld Memo Proposed 'Major Adjustment' in Iraq By MICHAEL R. GORDON and DAVID S. CLOUD, The New York Times WASHINGTON (Dec. 2) - Two days before he resigned as defense secretary, Donald H. Rumsfeld submitted a classified memo to the White House that acknowledged that the Bush administration's strategy in Iraq was not working and called for a major course correction. "In my view it is time for a major adjustment," wrote Mr. Rumsfeld, who has been a symbol of a dogged stay-the-course policy. "Clearly, what U.S. forces are currently doing in Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough." Nor did Mr. Rumsfeld seem confident that the administration would readily develop an effective alternative. To limit the political fallout from shifting course he suggested the administration consider a campaign to lower public expectations. "Announce that wha...

Ho Ho, No? State Bans Santa Beer By CLARKE CANFIELD, AP PORTLAND, Maine (Dec. 2) - A beer distributor says Maine is being a Scrooge by barring it from selling a beer with a label depicting Santa Claus enjoying a pint of brew. the man has to schlep the world in less than 24 hours and he's not entitled to a celebratory beer? or is it his fabulous fat ass? shame on you portland, maine!

have a good weekend. bye-bye now. find a nice jewish girl and tell her you love her.

matzo men . amy guth needs jew ! chhhhanukah is around the corner. 36 Jewish bloggers wanted. silly, festive Chanukah fun. drive plenty of traffic to your blog during Chanukah . isn't it positively the most! email amy for all the dish! *gimmie a break. I just saw gidget AGAIN. fab distraction content*

did you know that google analytics is free? if I'm not the only asshole that didn't, get it for your blog. great tracking and super free. if you need a gmail account, email me . I have oodles.

my mom is in the middle of a move. my friend crionaberry was telling me about a deep tissue massage she had this evening. so, when my mom called to discuss how sore she was, I said, ma, you should go get yaself fondled. I'm tired ---ok--- it's been a long fucking week. it was a slip o' the tongue. not a fantasy, creepies. my mom said, what the hell are you talking about? I said, ma, you know what I mean. a massage. go get a massage. she asked, and the fondling? I said, well that's really none of my business, now is it? we both howled. how-wled. I know. shut the fuck up, katie. all lips are sealed. good night, gracie.

joan crawford on love, love is like a fire, but you never know if it's going to warm your heart or burn down your house. as far as I'm concerned, she invented the word cunt. love ha. arthur miller on writing, to excel, to win out over anonymity and meaninglessness, to love and be loved, and above all, perhaps, to count . love him. donchya love the howard cosell play-by-play?! stanley tucci, to life and its many deaths . love him. you ever seen the imposters ? he wrote it. directed it and starred in it. putz. rent it. charles bukowski, what matters most is how well you walk through the fire . I love that man. edna st. vincent millay, it well may be that in a difficult hour, I might be driven to sell your love for peace, Or trade the memory of this night for food. It well may be. I do not think I would . exquisite. just perfect. what a dame, huh?!

get tested. be smart. wear a condom. swallow familiar cum aids.org . my beloved queenies, please pay attention and stop with the bug chasing who is getting this meshugena disease? don't be a schmuck. review. world . usa . loving.

the premiere first edition of girlistic magazine is live! head on over. download. print and distribute. girlistic is a feminist feast! art. intellectually stimulating features, reviews and interviews. chach. sex advice. and... girlistic is graciously publishing an ongoing essay series I'm writing called, my vagina and me. check out the first installation, my vagina and me, seeing eye to v . run. read. loving.

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that when major news outlets such as the, New York Daily News , ABC News , Fox News (hate their fucking republican guts), MSNBC , Chicago Sun Times and the New York Post , are all tracking and headlining britney spears vagina, there's a serious problem. if you google, britney spears vagina , you get over 1,300,000 search results. if you google, britney spears nether region , you get around 11,000 search results. if you log onto technorati as I just did, you'll see that britney spears is a #1 search; leaving world aids awareness day so far in the dust, it's not even an afterthought. people are really going for it, aren't they? psychologists are literally allocating time to think about and speculate about why britney is on a vadge exposing tear. some say it's because she was married to a man who never loved her. yeah. ok. well. she may be the thickest tampon in the box, but I'd like to think she knew that going i...

run like a dawg see this moo-moo

shalom, jewlcious and non-jewlicious peeps. how is everyones jewsday going? wp meemed me and I am meeming... see below. this is a personal meem. like, it asks personal q's. could be fun. who the fuck knows. why not. worth a twirl, donchya think? DO YOU SNORE? as if my life depended on it! ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? that's a creepy question, comparable to someone saying, I want to make love to you. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR? choking. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? yes. I was insanely creative. loved to create legolands. but loved to spin yarns even more. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF REALITY TV? hate it. it takes jobs away from writers. it's also fabulous. if your life sucks ass, reality tv proves your life is not half as bad as someone elses. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? incessantly. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? duh. chubby hairy jewbaca. what's not to love?! IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? I'm not sure. right now it is. though I vacillate. it would be lovely to be in love, but ...

we're done now. bye-bye.

the reason why blogging is such great procrastination is because it's a shot of post. click publish and walaah there's your quick fix.