Katie Schwartz

I think I know why I'm single. I've just epiphed. 1:: men who say, I want to make love to you , turn me off. if a man said that to me, I'd laugh. that's horrible. I am a vile hideous, shameful cow. 2:: the intro sentences, I need. you need to. I wish you would. can you just. I accept you and love you for you, but. we need to get you on a budget. yeah. epic. HUGE. major. serious relationship killers for katie. 3:: I can't date a musician. I won't. or, date anyone who says, I have a guitar. I play. what I really want to do is... music music. music. there are more. they will pop into my head. I'm sure. I will post them. but, for now, I'm taking jewcifer out and then stepping out myself. have a good weekend. -- save our boobies: boobiethon.com

blow jobs cum shots : they picked up my mid-day blowjob post. I think I'm flattered. did you know there's a website called, the history of masturbation ? love a good dirty little secret. so sweet. I collect vintage sex books. -- save our boobies: boobiethon.com

I have to mop. for whatever reason, mopping and sweeping make me feel, fat, dirty, cheap and poor. I can do laundry. I can even vacuum. barely. but, I can do it. my kitchen floor needs to be swept and mopped. I'd rather have a rectal. I'm in a very assy mood. have you noticed? I'm all about the ass right now. the fact that I have to get my broom and my mop out makes me want to vomit. I have the strongest aversion to it. maybe I tripped over a mop in a past life or I was married to a sweeper who beat me. like I have time to ponder past life mistakes?! I got enough of that to deal with in this life.

what a fuckin' day yesterday. my ass felt gang banged by every schmuck in town. I guess I had, will bottom for you all day, slapped on my forehead. would've LOVED a memo or some type of forwarning. while we waited for jewcifer at the vet, my sister and I decided to grab a nosh. the stupidity of our waitress was epic, bordering brilliant. me: may I have an iced tea mixed with lemonade, please? waitress: what's that? we squinted. hi. bewildered. me, I wanted to beat her with a stick. kerri: it's a lemonade and ice tea in the same glass. waitress: yeah, but what is it? I wanted to say, you're not hot enough to be this stupid. if you want to be this fuckin' dumb, you stupid, cunt bitch whore, than you really need a makeover plan so you can catch a rich fellow! but, I didn't. when she brought our food, she said, "I brought extra silverware in case you needed it. DUMB ASS, THERE ARE TWO OF US. elijah didn't rsvp and nobody else but you has been to our ta...

my vagina and I got into a HUGE knock down drag out fight this morning. I suspended her vibrator privileges a few days ago, so she decided to lead a revolt against me. she's threatening me with a yeast infection. what a snatch! so cunty sometimes, you know? due to elevated horniness, she's been insatiable. it's becoming a problem. is it soo much to ask that she be a little sensitive to my needs?! I'm a very busy person. I don't have time to cater to her every moistened wish. I mean, gaahhhd. she can be so slutty sometimes, too. I'm so not like that. I'm far more reserved. I don't need it the way she does. as always, I'm conflicted. I hate to censor her of course, or anyone else, but we have to learn to co-exist a bit better. donchya think? it can't always be about HER and HER needs. when did vaginas corner the market on neediness?! *that isn't a fucking pun!* -- save our boobies: boobiethon.com

each week, into my brain pops new or existing fears to add to or expound on my rolodex of agida. you think it's easy being a neurotic chubby jew broad? it ain't. it's a lot of time, work and preperation. my fears this week... 1: I never want to be a sloppy menstruator. the kind of dame who let's ruby flow wherever she damn well pleases. 2: fingernail cancer. 3: running out of menstrual pain medication. 4: being fat with se's for the rest of my fuckin' life. 5: upcoming blood test results. 6: louie's ginormous lump on his shoulder and ankle -oy- this is the mamabootzah of ahj. 7: being stuck. you know what I mean. 8: becoming incontinent 9: my uterus dropping and crashing my vaginal canal right along with it. and, a total inability to then see my womb as the fabulous accessory it can be! 10: that the creative juices are being sucked out of my brain and heart forever! -- the only upside to insomnia is blogging. boobiethon.com : october is breast cancer awarene...

these are the things he probably says: 1: I'm way more of a god than jesus was. 2: four more years! four more years! 3: suck it harder, rummy, for' I bitch slap your sweet ass. 4: oh, condi, you da best dirty little secret I never had. save women's boobies! boobiethon.com

has jew hating become a fetish yet? I fear it's cumming. -- great articles jew review same sex marriage frank rich's essay : the joy of gay marriage show your titskeas for breast cancer awareness: bobbiethon !

1: did you know you can buy burqa's on ebay? 2: I'm torn between the above burqa and the wannabe kkk-ish burqa below. 3: why hasn't nike come up with a burqa? 4: how does a man know if he's attracted to a burqa beav? 5:are burqa's an aphrodisiac or a fetish in the middle east? ps: it's a very cheap fashion statement. don't forget bobbiethon ! show your tits! make a donation!

yes. it's true. the dams have broken and I am bleeding. my lips have parted for the red seas to flow. I have the worst fucking cramps on the planet. my vagina hurts. my dog has a lump on his ankle and his shoulder. god willing, it's nothing. I can't stop feeling myself up. it's almost breast cancer awareness month and I'm a ddd, so it's not a 10 minute thing. more like 10 hours. I've had to cut myself off from my vibrator. paco and I were getting a little too close. I'm hoping for vibrator privileges when I can exercise restraint. I'm a slut. this will be difficult. do not forget to read the boobiethon post and to expose your beautiful boobies for breast cancer awareness this month !

when I ran home for a quick nosh, my neighbor was giving someone a blowjob in her kitchen. food and sex. does it get any better?! but, she doesn't eat. she's trailing right behind nicole richie for anorexic of the year. this neighbor is the cunt who tells me to stop sneezing all the time. our kitchens overlook each other. whatever. she also leaves her window open. so, I walk in. I'm minding my own business and I hear: take it. take it all. suck it. ooh. yeah. yeah! yeah! I look out my window because I'm that person and I see her on her knees blowing a short, stout, suit. very boss-y like. I grabbed an apple and proceed to sit at my kitchen table to watch. again, I'm that person. all of a sudden, I hear her say, I kid you not: YOU CAME IN MY MOUTH. THAT IS SO DISGUSTING. WHAT KIND OF GIRL DO YOU THINK I AM?! you can't buy material this good. do you understand that? he says to her, what? I mean, what? where did you ... what? I could feel her rage. he nodded his h...

BoobieThon Begins Sunday, October 1st. Donate $$$! Submit your Beautiful Boobies and Save our Breasts! Last week while blog hopping myself into a heated frenzy, I happened upon a very pink site , BoobieThon.com . Being a well hung dame with an, I love my breasts blog motif, it was love at first sight. So… I read. I clicked. And, I read and clicked some more. 2006 BoobieThon Press Release -> Bloggers bare all for breast cancer research This year’s Fund Raising Goals -> We're requesting that in the spirit of the original Boobie-Thon, the first $359 donated this year go toward Children's Hospital Boston as the "bloggers helping bloggers" portion of the Boobie-Thon. We have selected this charity to honor Baby Samson , the son of the bloggers at snazzykat.com and minorthird.com . Samson was born on February 24, 2006, with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome a.k.a. HLHS. His parents have requested Children's Hospital as the recipient of donations in his honor. (...

my blog came up on some of the most curious and fabulous keywords this week: bobbie applegate -> I looked him up. he makes more money than god playing catch and he's not fucking me, so what gives? coco -> I did write about coco and ice-t, but I would think that chanel would come up way before fehatty's blog guess who's cumming -> guess who's coming to dinner is one of my favorite movies. I wouldn't deface it. ok, that's a lie, but I didn't! guthagogo -> this is just fabulous! the great, amy guth and author of, three fallen women ! katie cleavage -> I'm not showin' ya's my tits, so build a bridge and get over it. this is the gazillionth time it's come up. that's a big no. I love my boobsicles, but they ain't gettin' published on my blog. katie schwartz -> search engines do really work! my aunt plays with my cock all the time -> ok, you sick fuck. incest is a boundary. I'm so forlorn that my blog is com...

so, I'm listening to, 38 special . you know the song. come on. guess. you know. I'll tell ya at the end if you don't. yesterday, I was at one a' them there organic food stores with my sister. we were standing in line to buy fat. packaged in organic it's the perfect self-lie. a skinny blonde with a hight tight ass and the word CUNT plastered across her forehead was in front of us buying whole coconuts. who fucking eats whole coconuts anyway?! so, whole cunt checks out, but doesn't leave the checkout area. she doesn't want her dumb ass coconuts bagged either. she wants to carry them out so the WORLD CAN SEE WHAT A THIN PERSON EATS! WELL FUCK THAT WHOLE CUNT BITCH WHORE! her leather bag straps are draping over the atm/credit card machine so nobody else can use it. the clerk is checking us out and bagging our fat. and, what's whole cunt doing? observing our purchases and glancing at us contemptuously while TAKING HER RECEIPT AND FOLDING IT. but not just fold...

I was up most of the night last night. I just, for the life of me, couldn't sleep. oy, how I hate inomnia. it's the jewyear. it began yesterday. l'shona tova, my fellow heebels. I have so much on mind. so many things weighing on me right now. I hate that detached from myself feeling. know what I mean? especially when it's combined with that lovely, gone-to-far-what-do-you-want, feeling. wait a minute... was that a super chaotic-twitney-kfreak sentence?

below is a bit of dish about the boobie-thon, straight from the nipple (fine. website. gahhhd) pay attention, chick-a-dees. read. click. submit. "The fifth annual blogger " Boobie-Thon " launches on Sunday, October 1, 2006. It will run through 11:59 p.m. EDT on Saturday, October 7, 2006. This yearly event features bloggers showing their (covered and uncovered) breasts in order to raise money for charity during Breast Cancer Awareness Month. (Please click here for the 2005 site). Watch this space in the upcoming days for more information and updates, and also for how to submit your photograph!" interview (likely) to follow next week with founder, robyn pollman and 2006's event coordinator, lisa . will keep you looped ;).

Yahoo Entertainment News 9/22 WASHINGTON -- A majority of the nation's networks have told the Federal Communications Commission that its policy putting TV station owners at risk of huge fines for a slip of the tongue threatens to end live broadcast television. In papers filed late Thursday at the FCC, Fox, CBS, NBC and Telemundo argued that the government policy already has forced TV writers and producers to alter scripts and has caused network affiliates to avoid airing controversial programs or broadcast them on late at night. ABC was expected to make a separate filing. "The commission's sweeping departure from restraint in its approach to indecency has resulted in an unprecedented intrusion into the creative and editorial process and threatens to bring about the end of truly live broadcast television," the networks wrote. read the rest ....

today, while I was christian blog hopping for a change... (I know. shut the fuck up). I happened upon this doozy of a yarn and thought, what kind of a fuckin' moron is this broad?! this is a proud christian republican dame who voted for bush! here's the deal: en route to her bible belt state from some other freakish bible belt state, in her carry on bag, she packs a toy gun and spurs for the chuldrin. so, of course she was stopped during a security check in. here is her story VERBATIM: The conveyer belt on the x-ray machine stopped with my bag inside and the guy began squinting at the screen really close. He says "Hey Joe? Are spurs allowed?" (we'd bought some for the boys at Rawhide), and the guy goes "Yeah, we allow 'em" but just then I looked back at my husband and we both realized that in that same bag with the spurs was a little pink cap gun that we had bought for our daughter! He said "We may have to destroy the weapon" I said "I...

mullet boy's birthday is sunday and he wants a saucy beav with a hot rack. he's accepting photos , but would welcome a face to penis if anyone is willing to schlep to louisville. girls ?

you need to see this. it's important. turn your sound up. don't hate me .

I have just fallen madly, deeply, wildly and completely in love with google . go to google. type in, asshole and click, feeling lucky . turn your sound up when you are redirected to film strip international . it's official. I'm google's bitch. :)

it's almost 2 in the god damned mother fuckin' cock suckin' morning and what am I doing? working. I'm not getting to bed until 4 or 5. if my boss doesn't stop crawling so far up my fuckin' ass, I'm gonna charge him rent. he's got a god damned village touring my rectum with a few morons climbing through my intestines like it's mount fuckin' Everest. I'm one jew, ok. that's it. I didn't part the seas and I don't even have split personalities. give a heeblette a break, you know?! fuck me. fuck off. this sucks. I'm tired. not in the literal sense because I'm way too freaked out about my doctor's apt at 9:30 this morning, but I'd much rather be theoretically sleeping and horizontal. my organic, hairy cunt sucking whore neighbor, ted, what a dick name, knocks on my door about an hour ago, wearing hemp shorts and no shirt. with his fuckin' unshaven pussy face goatee, in that grating, dry eyes voice, and says , can you...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLEO !!!! monday is nicoleo's b-day. skip on over to verbs and wish her a very happy birthday! it's going to be a tits year for her! the breast ever!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo jewgirl

thank you jcbc ! this fabulous cavernous cunt clip is from the great carlucci ! so fucking funny. turn up your sound... you will laugh your asses off.

Man Jailed for 11 Years in Bizarre Divorce Saga MEDIA, Pennsylvania (Sept. 16) Barbara Jean Crowther Chadwick is now Bobbie Applegate - she made up the last name. in past interviews, she has described a home life controlled intensely by her husband, with rationed toilet paper (six sheets per bathroom visit) and sex (7:30 a.m., Tuesdays and Thursdays). she should be grateful. he gave her six squares per visit. if she can contain her anal explosions to once a day, she can use up 90% of that day's squares and ration the other squares for peeing. what is so complicated here, people?! he also didn't withhold the cock. he was putting out twice a week. I'm not sure if this accounts for foreplay, but I assume that if it doesn't, he'd be willing to compromise and allocate a good 15 minutes towards it. it's all about negotiation, applegate. ps: does she thinks she bears a striking resemblance to c-app ? and, what is with that tattoo? could it be any rougher on the eyes?!...

how contrived and cliche can you be? well, I'll tell you. have a lil' native in the background for authenticity.

you can call me a cunt all you want. you can. there are some people who will always be the forever undead. like, mickey rooney . he still has a pulse, and apparently an official website, too. john wayne. sonny bono . buddy hackett . john denver . oh, wait. he hasn't peeled yet, right? raul julia. anne bancroft - goddess -

it's hotter than a hooker's pussy outside. speaking of hookers. I love this... hookers support network . I'm serious. I think hookers and sex workers should have health insurance plans provided by their pimps, production companies or clubs. why not?! who doesn't want a decent health plan? if I were a madame, all my girls would have insurance. it's the right thing to do! I've emailed the hookers support network and requested an interview. I don't think I get that many working girl readers, but I would love to interview him. I wonder what he'll say...

I've been desperate for Jesus since I was a little girl. The pastor laid his hands on me and prayed for me to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit and I immediately began to praise the Lord like I never had before. I was so excited. I felt so full of Jesus! she's so insightful that blaire, isn't she?! I think she's recounting her first sexual experience. sounds very full-body-orgasm. I thought everybody was Baptist. My friends and relatives soon informed me that I had probably been inducted into a cult. oh blaire, even us dirty jews? you thought we were baptist, too? I hope I'm not boring you. If not, join me next time when I tell you about the church I attended after high school. I can't wait. oh, I simply can't wait. my vulva lips are twitching like crickets in anticipation of more bible yarns from blaire. one more thing, someone should really tell blaire that reenrolled isn't a word. I know it's super cunty of me to point that out after such a...

I love being a vagina. I think it rocks. but, if I happened to be a man, I would: 1: have my hand down my pants and play with my penis and balls all day. 2: stare at my cock all day long. 3: put my dick in everything. 4: show everyone my dick all the time. 5: watch men pee, so I could be the best stand up pee-er on the planet. 6: flash my dick. 7: run up to the top of hills and pee all the way down. 8: walk by a row of parked cars, take me dick out and pee on them. 9: I'd do cock tricks. 10: I'd make stupid dick jokes every fucking chance I got. but, if I were that kind of man, I wouldn't be caught dead with myself because I'd hate myself. I'd so not be my type.

I just got a comment from mesothelioma and I am FREAKING OUT that it's a sign that I have asbestos cancer and I'm going to die, which I am REALLY not in the mood for. I have a doctor's appointment monday morning. full blood work up. fuckin bitch, man. is this a sign? do I have one foot on the peel?! I just emailed my sister. she'll know. she's the wolf. if her neck burns, I'm fucked. what part of hypochondriac did you miss while cruising my blog, meso?! oy fuckin' vey.

I'm never cold and for some reason I'm all nips tonight. no, not in honor of survivor, dumb ass. I'm ovulating. I can't sleep. but, I'm so fuckin' tired. deadlines. revisions. so NOT in the mood. the day job. fuck, man. it can really suck the creative juice right out of a girl's womb. --hmm. that's kind of an abortionee thing to say, isn't it? oh well, you know what they say, an abortion a day keeps the christians away. not in the bible belt of course, just on the east and west coasts. I'm so annoyed for no particular reason. I have to be up at the crack of my ass. mother fucker.

Rage Over MySpace Photo Leads to Arrest MESA, Ariz. (Sept. 14) - A 22-year-old woman was arrested after authorities say she tried to hire someone to kill another woman whose photo appeared on her boyfriend's MySpace.com Web page . Heather Michelle Kane was booked Tuesday for investigation of conspiracy to commit murder, Mesa Detective Jerry Gissel said. She was arrested after she met an undercover Mesa police detective at a grocery store, gave the officer $400 and offered to pay an additional $100 once the woman had been killed , according to court records. The records say Kane gave the undercover officer photographs taken from her boyfriend's social networking Web page of the woman she wanted killed. She also requested a photo of the woman's dead body . It wasn't clear if the boyfriend and the targeted woman were romantically involved, Gissel said. this bitch is giving cunts a bad name, you know! And, who the fuck does a hit for $500 measly bucks anyway?! ::BudgetHits....

a cat has 32 muscles in each ear. a dime has 118 ridges around the edge. a dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 years. a "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. a snail can sleep for 3 years. butterflies taste with their feet. if you are an average american, you will spend an average of six months waiting at red lights. leonardo da vinci invented modern scissors.

"Limbaugh handicapped races in new Survivor series, suggested "African-American tribe" worst swimmers, Hispanics "will do things other people won't do" I thought he was a deaf drug addict. what the fuck is he doing talking? click through to hear his racist sound byte.

my goodness, lindsey lohan's cunt has been busy. she's getting such a workout , this cunt . I wonder where her mother's cunt is? Oh, I do so hope they make a guest appearance together. wouldn't that be wonderful?! two lohan cunts at once. something the world just doesn't see enough of.

nothing says love like two hot beverages. I love ice-t. I think he's amazingly talented. that, and he's fearless. on that note, let's get cunty, shall we?! when I look at this picture and every other ice-t and coco image online, like, coco's cavernous taco , or coco's fishnet dress , or ice claiming ownership of coco's beav , as a JUST IN CASE. or coco and ice-t in matching pink ensembles , I think to myself, when does coco get time to menstruate? when I'm on the rag, you won't catch me in a flange outlined ass hugging pair of shorts or going braless. my nipples would be on fire in any one of the net mock-tops coco sports. t doesn't feel like he fucks a menstruating dame either, so you'd probably have to take that once a quarter menstrual shot to be his ho. when does coco get down time... you know, away from ice's cock. does she ever have the luxury of eating or not being perfectly groomed every fucking minute of every day?! in a way, co...

blaire married a faggelah. he's not a bottom. for sure. no way. he doesn't suck cock through a glory hole. he never plays, altar boy horn. he makes her cum all the time without saying, jesus. he doesn't squirt mayo, vanilla frosting or whipped cream into his mouth wishing, hoping and praying it was jiz. he's as straight as an arrow.

forgive the lack of images. I am having an upload photo issue. blogger's being cunty. If you haven’t heard of Amy Guth or read her, you will. She’s a dark, gritty writer with one hell of a point of view. A true woman’s woman. Fearless and talented. Smart and funny. So, of course her first novel, Three Fallen Women is being hailed by critics as a thought-provoking and gripping read. Gorgeously twisted, sexy and earnest. Touching and terrifying. Demented and ferociously dark. So.... Here she is:: Amy Guth, The Wise Crackin’ Feminist behind, Three Fallen Women If you want to know about Amy, just ask her. Anything. I did and here is what I learned : 1. Is there a woman in your family you admire? If so, who, and why? All of them are pretty salt-of-the-earth, really. I've always felt a really special bond with my Aunt Gwen, though. She lives in a funky house in the woods and always let me run wild with my creativity and made me believe in the feasibility of nonsense and impossible ...

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I'm listening to blue... joni mitchell I love joni mitchell. she makes everything right in the world. writers block. agida. a suck ass day. insomnia. anger. sorrow. joy. nervous energy. can't sleep. can't crack a decent thought. hate my fat. so over the thyroid 30+. if I felt any uglier. if my hair were any thyroid dryer. if my reflection were any more alien. I swear to god, I'd explode or will actually, literally and figuratively. waiting for joni to kick in. until she does, let's be cunty. SACRAMENTO, Calif. (Sept. 8) - Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger apologized Friday for saying during a closed-door meeting that Cubans and Puerto Ricans are naturally feisty and temperamental because of their combination of "black blood" and "Latino blood." schnatzinegger is so disgusting. what about dominicans? they aren't naturally feisty? I'm sure if you cruise some history books, you can find some black/latino blood coarsing through their veins. what abo...

louie and I go to the park two to three times a day. love to play catch with the kid. so much fun. anywho there is this older broad; you know, the stoic silent type. she always shows up after 4 pm with her giant beige dane. I feel like she rapes him; has inapropriate sexual relations with him. it's the way she dotes on him. looks at him. steers him away from his would be friends. it's so canineophile. totally creeps me out. like he's going to share her dirty little secret with the world. I'm sure if he and jewcifer had 5 minutes to dish, oh could daney spin a yarn. and it's not like louie keeps secrets from me. he'd spill. I'd call the heat. the fuzz. the flat feet and she'd be locked up... in solitary of course. main population could get her whacked. I'm ovulating. I also won't be blogging this weekend unfortunately. monday deadline. this will be my last post until monday. pine. please. love pineage. I will pine too. we'll pine together. I...

I just realized something... my jewergies are a serious occupational hazzard. I fear I am devolving into a seasonal cocksucker. could it be? I can't give someone a sneezejob. believe me... I would know. if I can't breathe through my nose, I can hardly suck a bagel through an asian man's cock. so what the fuck is a whore like me supposed to do?! I think I'm forlorn.

isn't that soooo sweet! I have a tear in my eye and joy in my heart! wikicunt

there are those who take fucking seriously and those who don't. for those that do, run to al sensu's site for his lastest wood, clit smacking yarn.

people out here have such a hard on for their cars. like it's the most important introduction to who they are. the only thing that matters. I actually have neighbors who own ridiculously expensive cars and live in tiny little boxes that they rent. I ask, why are you bothering? save ya money and buy something! what kind of a schmuck who doesn't have more money then god would spend twice their rent on a car?! I said a horrible thing today. I want to feel guilty about it. I really do. but, I'm having trouble getting there, which has NEVER happened to me before. there was a broad in a shiny new 450K mercedes (pause on mercedes for a minute. I looked up the car and it really is 450K . can I just say for the record that if I'm going to buy something for 450K, especially a car, it better have a sybian seat that heats up and makes me cum... A LOT. it better have a whirling dervish of tongues that can dine at the Y like nobody's fuckin' business. it better drive for me. ...

I have nothing to blog about. I've been sneezing for days. it's extremely unattractive. I got freaked out by a christian today. the mayor of my block bought a new mercedes and has decided to go with a white nautical clothing theme. I'm ovulating next week. I'm fat. I have to speak at my best friend's wedding in 7 weeks. I have nothing to wear. work sucks. I'm forlorn about a certain something. cryptic enough? I'm thinking that when I reincarnate, I'd like to come back as a black man with a freakish 12 inch cock. at least then I'd have a better shot at being considered a porn star. I'm nauseas. I'm tired. but not sleepy tired. I have so much to do and there isn't enough time in the day to do it all. I feel like a suburau: ugly. beaten up and hung out to dry. I got a marriage proposal today via email ;0 sigh sigh sigh